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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Invitation rescinded - help me respond to this text without BU

123 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/08/2015 22:52

OK. I've had various threads about poor DH's weird family but think this one may take the biscuit......

We have a 1 and a 2 year old and I am currently 28 weeks pregnant. We are off on a UK holiday in a week's time.

We are staying in two destinations and had agreed with DH's aunt and uncle that we would stay with them in between for 3 nights. This was all agreed in January and we had booked our hols around dates that suited them. All fine and agreed. It was very helpful as I could wash our clothes etc in between and cut down in packing. They have often asked us to go and stay (we never have due to distance and babies etc) so didn't feel this was prevailing.

I've just now had a text from DH's aunt saying can we postpone and they will come and visit us at the end of October (ie two weeks before the baby is due)

Reasons for us not coming are that the uncle has been back at work for two days after his holidays and is a "bit grumpy". One of their DDs has a practice DOfE expedition and they are getting a dog in 2 weeks time.

We are now in quite understatement an awkward position as we have to find 3 nights of accommodation at pretty short notice. The places we staying were booked loads in advance so we got good deals but over that weekend are now really expensive. We'll obviously look elsewhere but it's not very nice to be worrying about where to stay at this late stage.

DH is fuming. I actually feel like I could cry.

How do I respond to this text? My natural instinct is to say "Oh, OK." and not rock the boat - although I was actually speechless when I got the text. But then I think maybe I should politely say actually this is very inconvenient. Or maybe I should just let DH deal with it.....

OP posts:

giantpurplepeopleeater · 28/08/2015 10:16

Personally, I think you and DH have been very good about it all, and probably too nice.

I agree with all that you've said about how they invited you, booked well in advance around them, they haven't bothered with any regret/ trying to help you source something else.

Personally, I don't agree with everyone jumping to the conclusion that something else is afoot - and that you have to take what she has said at face value.

I also think you have every right, and should be clear, about the inconvenience this has caused and the upset you feel about it. You don't have to be rude to do so.

I'd be minded to say that you are very dissappointed given your whole holiday was arranged around these dates and confirmed in advance with them, that you are upset as would have liked to have seen them, but have now made arrangements elsewhere.

Also - whenever they ask about coming to you I would say that you don't want to enter into any agreement unless it is a firm one - suggest some dates that suit you but explain that you won't consider plans booked for those dates until you have recieved confirmation of them booking their flights. To be honest they just sound flakey to me - so make sure you treat them like that to avoid being caught out in the future!

MonkeyPJs · 28/08/2015 10:38

I think some people just say "you must come and stay!" etc and not really mean it, then commit to something so far in advance it doesn't feel real, and when it does remember that actually, they don't much like having house guests. I've been in a similar situation once and honestly think this was the case - in my case we ended up staying one night but it was all a bit awkward so left early.

derxa · 28/08/2015 11:02

I think you've been useful to them re UCAS forms etc. and they tried to string you along. They had no intention of letting you stay. Sorry for harshness . This is also the reason your DP is feeling sad.

AyeAmarok · 28/08/2015 11:13

Good on your DH.

Men are better at this sometimes, they worry less about "oh, what will they think if I say this" and just put the facts out there.

ivykaty44 · 28/08/2015 12:46

October is not possible to host as heavily pregnant with impending hospital stay so not convenient

Lweji · 28/08/2015 13:07

there have been various requests for assistance with arranging work experience etc for their DC and helping with UCAS forms.
Ah!
Have you already helped them?

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 13:32

A bit but really the big thing (particularly for DH's profession) would be work experience. Which we've not organised and probably won't unless it is absolutely convenient for us to do so. Whereas before we would have done whatever necessary

OP posts:

Madmum24 · 28/08/2015 14:00

Disappointing and inconvenient; yes. But I too am a bit miffed at all of the passive aggressive text suggestions and the "sorrowful" mood that your husband has acquired.

Suck it up and look for a budget hotel and launderette

For those saying that doing a few loads of washing wouldn't be a problem; it would be for me, not having a tumble dryer combined with bad weather means that my short-of-drying-space house would be dripping from the walls with condensation with my washing (which with a large family couldn't wait) and several extra loads.

Meerka · 28/08/2015 15:00

Go with 5foot5's suggestion.

it's a pain in the arse and bloody annoying but there's no need to go into passive aggressive game playing.

SisterMoonshine · 28/08/2015 16:01

It's good you've sorted somewhere- you don't want to be at CP on a Friday night!

IceBeing · 28/08/2015 16:14

You will tell us what if anything you get messaged back?

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 16:51

Oh God - just to out the washing to rest - they live in an enormous house with a utility room and have a housekeeper that comes in each day. I would not have expected the housekeeper to do the washing and would only have asked if it seemed that it was suitable. If they lived in a bed sit with a drying line over the bed, I ibviously wouldn't. In any event no one has ever mentioned doing any washing to them so I highly doubt this is the reason for the cancellation.

Re: the "sorrow". There is perhaps some confusion. When I say DH texted more in sorrow than in anger, I mean he stated politely in his text that he was disappointed with what had happened rather than angry and it had put us in a bit if a fix - which is a matter of fact. I think that's fine and - actually - I quite admire him for actually dealing with the issue and then moving on. MN seems to be full of examples of people who can't or won't say politely to their families when something has happened that bothers them.

The text was worded in such a way that it is clear that we do not want to have a discussion about it or expect the invitation to be restated.

On reflection, I think it's a better approach as it means that hopefully we won't now be bombarded with pretend "invitations" as everyone knows quite clearly where they stand and - even if we are invited - it will be quite clear why we refuse the invitations.

We both just want to move on now. We know where we stand in terms of a relationship - ie we can't rely on them (for whatever reason) so we dint feel the need to put ourselves out for then.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 28/08/2015 17:04

Sounds like a sensible conclusion OP. Sad when these things happen but at least you know now.

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 17:43

Just to update - the uncle has texted DH to say sorry but things came up at work so he wouldn't be around when we were there.

Not quite sure what is going on as he didn't mention dogs or DofE practice expeditions. We also didn't realise that any invite was conditional on his presence.

But anyway, the net result is the same.

What is good is that MIL has a very dysfunctional family background and uncle is her half-brother. He is the golden child and she is always very keen to foster a relationship with uncle and for us to do so too as their mother pushes that. So there was a lot if encouragement for us to accept the invites. Hopefully that will stop now

OP posts:

summerconfusion · 28/08/2015 18:40

Thanks for updating! The fact that uncle text back and not aunt suggests he was to blame for the uninvite and aunt's given him the phone and said 'you can deal with this'. Glad it's all over and done with!

EponasWildDaughter · 28/08/2015 19:12

Hopefully the insistent requests to come and stay will stop now OP.

Although, honestly, something tells me they'll start up again in a few months, once the baby has arrived etc

sonjadog · 28/08/2015 19:18

I think it sounds even more likely that there is something up that they are not telling you after the uncle's text. I wouldn't harbour resentment about this visit, but on the other hand I also wouldn't plan to go and stay with them in the future. Glad it worked out with sil instead.

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 19:18

Hmmmm - interesting you say that summer. I agree with you. DH is very much of the view that this is at the instigation of the aunt.

I have noticed in the family that there is a bit of anti-aunt bias with a view that she is hard work and the uncle is a poor put-upon soul. I've always found her fine and the uncle a bit of a hard-work boor to be honest. Who knows.

The good thing is that SIL can take a day off work and come and visit us at CP when we are there so we are planning spa treatments at the moment!

OP posts:

purplepandas · 28/08/2015 19:19

Bloody rude and bizarre. Do not even think about entertaining them in Oct (or any time). I am glad that you are sorted but cross on your behalf.

Wolpertinger · 28/08/2015 19:27

Gobbolino over the years working with families I have come to the conclusion that if one party is the 'nice one' and the other is the 'difficult one', in the long run they will always turn out as bad as each other.

YeOldeTrout · 28/08/2015 19:41

...this constant insistence of oh no we must come etc and now this bunch of rather random excuses late in the day.

Oh, that I do understand, sadly. People who like to say the right thing, want to be sort of person who really means it: but they don't. They can't. It's an impulse that makes them feel good but they never really meant it because they never thought thru the reality of doing it, or they can't acknowledge the difficult reality, and the fact that it doesn't actually work for them.

You should pity them really. Smile & never say yes again. OH, and tell them they can't come in October but another time 6 months or so later might be nice.

LuluJakey1 · 28/08/2015 19:42

I would say something like
'Oh ok, I am sure we will be able to find other accomodation for those three nights. There will still be something unbooked. DH is having a look now. SIL might be able to help. We will get sorted with something. I understand - sometimes plans that were convenient are not any more. October is definitely not convenient for us as baby is due then and we won"t be having guests- I can say that with certainty now Take care. Will let you know about the baby.'

Puts a bit of distance between you, draws a line about October, makes a point about effort to find something. Makes it clear next contact not until after birth and it will be you who make it...but quite pleasant.

GloriaHotcakes · 28/08/2015 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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