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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Invitation rescinded - help me respond to this text without BU

123 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/08/2015 22:52

OK. I've had various threads about poor DH's weird family but think this one may take the biscuit......

We have a 1 and a 2 year old and I am currently 28 weeks pregnant. We are off on a UK holiday in a week's time.

We are staying in two destinations and had agreed with DH's aunt and uncle that we would stay with them in between for 3 nights. This was all agreed in January and we had booked our hols around dates that suited them. All fine and agreed. It was very helpful as I could wash our clothes etc in between and cut down in packing. They have often asked us to go and stay (we never have due to distance and babies etc) so didn't feel this was prevailing.

I've just now had a text from DH's aunt saying can we postpone and they will come and visit us at the end of October (ie two weeks before the baby is due)

Reasons for us not coming are that the uncle has been back at work for two days after his holidays and is a "bit grumpy". One of their DDs has a practice DOfE expedition and they are getting a dog in 2 weeks time.

We are now in quite understatement an awkward position as we have to find 3 nights of accommodation at pretty short notice. The places we staying were booked loads in advance so we got good deals but over that weekend are now really expensive. We'll obviously look elsewhere but it's not very nice to be worrying about where to stay at this late stage.

DH is fuming. I actually feel like I could cry.

How do I respond to this text? My natural instinct is to say "Oh, OK." and not rock the boat - although I was actually speechless when I got the text. But then I think maybe I should politely say actually this is very inconvenient. Or maybe I should just let DH deal with it.....

OP posts:

SootyTheCat · 27/08/2015 23:16

I wouldn't worry too much about the Oct visit - maybe they forgot when your due date was and hadn't realised how badly it would clash?

The dog thing - will they have just got the new dog when you visit? If so, you definitely don't want to go stay with them with your two young children. But very inconsiderate of them to not have delayed getting the dog till after your visit.

The other two excuses are rubbish.

You mention washing clothes being a problem, so are you camping or staying at a holiday park with ridiculously pricey laundry facilities? Is it definitely too far away to come home for the few days in between, even if it means driving many hours it may work out cheaper and less stressful?

lavenderhoney · 27/08/2015 23:17

Something is going on they can't tell you about I expect.

Just text back and say " gosh that's short notice! Never mind- and the baby will be due end out so we won't be having anyone staying! You're welcome to come and visit us/ have dinner if you're going to be around, if things are going well with my pregnancy. I'll call you tomorrow and we can have a proper chat. Take care"

and look on late rooms or hotel.com etc. there's nothing else you can do and you can't just turn up!:)

grapejuicerocks · 27/08/2015 23:18

I'd just text ok and leave it at that. They'll get the message you're not happy but you haven't been rude. unlike them who didn't even have the decency to phone you.

Then obviously turn them down next time they mention coming to you.

Pigeonpost · 27/08/2015 23:18

Don't be snippy with them, there is no point. And don't mention October now. Short sweet reply of "ok, thanks. Hope things settle down soon" followed by a vigorous AirBnB search. We host AirBnB in our spare room and it's bloody brilliantly!

Lovetunnocks · 27/08/2015 23:21

I think there is probably more to the cancellation than meets the eye. It sounds like they are making excuses - could the Uncle be massively depressed rather than simply grumpy? Also, who proposed that you stay with them in the first place, you or them?
Whatever the real reason you just have to suck it up - yes it is annoying but it's only three nights and you should be able to find somewhere else, albeit at expense that you hadn't banked on. Don't let it ruin your holiday.

Lovetunnocks · 27/08/2015 23:23

In answer to original text I would just reply 'Oh that is such a shame, we were looking forward to seeing you. Unfortunately we wont be available to host you in October as we will be preparing for the baby. Much love xxx' Then never involve them, or any other relatives, in your holiday plans ever again.

lorelei9 · 27/08/2015 23:25

I think either get DH to reply or don't reply
But don't be hosting them later on!

I think if you pushed they might relent but the atmosphere would be horrible

Really poor behaviour on their part.

Marcipex · 27/08/2015 23:26

DoreenLethal I love your solution

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/08/2015 23:29

The dog is arriving the week after we leave apparently but I'm assuming they need to carry out preparations of the type that preclude visitors the previous week. mind boggles

They kept inviting us to stay with the DC and thus was the first time we had taken them up on their invitation. I have all the texts and emails from January and we did not book anything until they had explicitly said these dates suited them

I absolutely understand that there could be other issues at play but I'd like to think under the circumstances that I'd sort out an alternative or at least suggest some.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/08/2015 23:31

Love your solution too doreen. Although they are so bloody rude, I think they would lie on the floor with the curtains closed and the lights off if we arrived

OP posts:

Lovetunnocks · 27/08/2015 23:41

Okay, well if they have previously been keen on you staying then I would say something big is happening that they don't want to tell you about - purely because the excuses are so rubbish. Would also recommend airbnb (though pick carefully and read between the lines in reviews). And take your washing to a launderette. And have a good time.

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/08/2015 23:47

Actually - I've been reading all your texts to DH and he thinks they are fabulous.

We may be able to stay with SIL (need to check tomorrow).

Am veering between not replying at all bit know I kind of need to

Think I'll wait a few days and say:

Sorry to hear about all these issues and for the delay in replying. We were busy looking for accommodation near you as thought we could pop in if uncle X felt up to it. Fortunately though SIL has saved the day so we'll be staying at X and won't manage a visit. We'll let you know re: October as don't want to book something in and then have to cancel. X

Is that too horribly passive aggressive?

OP posts:

summerconfusion · 27/08/2015 23:56

Haha, it's the most passive aggressive thing I've ever read but unless you want to go for actual aggression what else can you do?

Patapouf · 27/08/2015 23:58

It's not p.a., if anything it's too nice! If you have no intention of letting them stay in October, make it crystal clear now.

lorelei9 · 27/08/2015 23:59

I think it's great ...though I'd maintain a stony silence

The dog thing is insane

Btw wouldn't it be better coming from your DH?

Lweji · 28/08/2015 00:04

I'd probably include something about being too grumpy to entertain guests so close to my due date in October.

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 00:04

I do wonder if DH should send it......

But then, she texted me so I'm wondering if it looks more of an issue if DH takes over comms.

There is a bit if me that would just like to ignore it but then I don't want to be accused of rudeness.

I'm finding this all quite hard to deal with as it's the antithesis of my own family

OP posts:

ncterrornc · 28/08/2015 00:07

Way too nice!

I'd text 'really? We've booked around staying with you'

reallybadidea · 28/08/2015 00:18

How about replying 'OK. Thanks for letting us know.'

You're acknowledging that you've received her text, so can't be accused of rudeness, but you're not attempting to pretend that it's all OK, because it's not.

I can't think what could be going on to make it acceptable to behave like this. Even if something genuinely very stressful is going on, you don't use bullshit excuses like that!

mellicauli · 28/08/2015 00:22

I would go easy on them..sounds like a major domestic incident behind that text. Isn't "a bit grumpy" English for "had a blazing row, is now in a terminal strop and will probably leave if we have house guests at this point"? Under those circumstances allowing you to come also spoils your holiday.

I'd just express regret in a neutral way and explain Oct plan isn't going to work for you because of proximity to your due date. They only suggested that date because that's when half term is (i e next available school holiday)

SuburbanRhonda · 28/08/2015 00:26

I definitely wouldn't mention October. Then when they bring it up just get your DH to say no.

Lweji · 28/08/2015 00:34

mellicauli makes a good point, actually.

Busyworkingmum71 · 28/08/2015 00:35

I'd bet tempted to send "that's fine, thanks for letting us know. We didn't really want to come anyway you miserable selfish inconsiderable shits"

But would probably, in reality, go with something similar to noiwontstoptalkings text.

Wearyheadedlady · 28/08/2015 00:38

Can't you just turn up, pretend the text never arrived?

I think its a bit rubbish to cancel you by text tbh.

And to give 3 excuses!

One reason is enough, 3 excuses are just that...

peacefuleasyfeeling · 28/08/2015 01:17

I'm intrigued by the polarities in the responses here! I agree with Melli and a couple of previous posters that it sounds like there is something afoot which, for their own reasons, they don't feel they can be altogether upfront about. DP's recurring depression and anxiety has put us in similar situations a couple of times; all has been ticking along nicely and we've made plans with friends or family, then he's taken a downward plunge and we've had to bow out of said plans, sometimes at very short notice, and not always feeling able to be completely open about the reason why. And of course, as I imagine your DH's poor aunt is too, feeling really guilty and panicked and stupid and full of regret. So if there is even an outside chance that something along those lines is happening in their lives, please be kind and spare them the passive aggressive digs, jibes and implied eye-rolls. That would be the nice thing to do. Good luck with finding alternative accommodation, I hope something turns up. Has anyone suggested a youth hostel yet? I have stayed in a few and been very impressed

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