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AIBU?

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Original poster

Invitation rescinded - help me respond to this text without BU

123 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/08/2015 22:52

OK. I've had various threads about poor DH's weird family but think this one may take the biscuit......

We have a 1 and a 2 year old and I am currently 28 weeks pregnant. We are off on a UK holiday in a week's time.

We are staying in two destinations and had agreed with DH's aunt and uncle that we would stay with them in between for 3 nights. This was all agreed in January and we had booked our hols around dates that suited them. All fine and agreed. It was very helpful as I could wash our clothes etc in between and cut down in packing. They have often asked us to go and stay (we never have due to distance and babies etc) so didn't feel this was prevailing.

I've just now had a text from DH's aunt saying can we postpone and they will come and visit us at the end of October (ie two weeks before the baby is due)

Reasons for us not coming are that the uncle has been back at work for two days after his holidays and is a "bit grumpy". One of their DDs has a practice DOfE expedition and they are getting a dog in 2 weeks time.

We are now in quite understatement an awkward position as we have to find 3 nights of accommodation at pretty short notice. The places we staying were booked loads in advance so we got good deals but over that weekend are now really expensive. We'll obviously look elsewhere but it's not very nice to be worrying about where to stay at this late stage.

DH is fuming. I actually feel like I could cry.

How do I respond to this text? My natural instinct is to say "Oh, OK." and not rock the boat - although I was actually speechless when I got the text. But then I think maybe I should politely say actually this is very inconvenient. Or maybe I should just let DH deal with it.....

OP posts:
BrideOfWankenstein · 28/08/2015 01:34

If it was me, I'd answer something rude like: "ah, okay. We won't be coming then. Can't have you in October though - washing my hair and ironing shoelaces"
But I'm rude like that and can't be arsed to be nice to people who ruins all my plans.

Fatmomma99 · 28/08/2015 01:44

It always works out better when you're aloof and "ok" with what has been presented to you, so I think your text is gooooood.

VenusRising · 28/08/2015 02:03

I also think there's a lot more going on than they've said.

I'd bet that uncle x is depressed and they are all up to their tonsils with stress.

Not somewhere you would like to stay being pg and having two young uns.

I think you'll have to have your own arrangements, and maybe this frees you up to go somewhere you really like and is really lovely instead of where they live.

I'd not send any nasty or aggressive texts, they could be all stressed out/ ill/ hiding something. .

I find that in the main people do their best, so if they can't do something that's been arranged, there is a good reason for it.

I very much doubt they've cooked up this just to inconvenience you personally.

Of course you feel let down, but you're a big girl, so make arrangements that suit you and be more independent in future. They don't owe you anything.

With regard to their proposed October visit, I'd not say anything now, but would write them a letter in September, reminding them that you're going to give birth soon, also hosuse guests would be too inconvenient for you all as you gear up for your third baby's birth.

And good luck with it all, hope you have a lovely holiday.

Vernonon · 28/08/2015 03:08

I once told a friend I'd have her parents to stay for a couple of nights and then cancelled because we were having our bathroom done. She was furious with me as it was a couple of weeks before so short notice and she couldn't understand why they couldn't still come.

The real reason was that then-dp and I had an awful relationship and I was scared he'd get drunk and shouty, and embarrass them (and humiliate me). I couldn't tell her because I wasn't telling anyone what he was like at that stage.

So I wouldn't be passive aggressive. For all you know, something major and difficult is going on.

(Broke up with ex-dp in the end and friend got over her fury - not sure I've ever explained)

FishWithABicycle · 28/08/2015 03:56

First half of your suggested text is fine OP but don't say you'll "let them know" about October. October is not open for them to visit at all ffs. They are cancelling visitors a week before getting a new dog how can they possibly think it is therefore OK to invite themselves to visit a week or 2 before the arrival of a new baby. The second half needs to be much more firmly explaining that they have got to be kidding if they think they can visit you then. Previous posters have already given appropriate wording ideas.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 28/08/2015 04:14

Your text is far too nice Grin

BrendaandEddie · 28/08/2015 04:27

Oh fgs just book a hotel! there might be something totally different going on. Maybe illness.

ShouldILTB · 28/08/2015 06:12

I'd reply along the lines of "the kids were really looking forward to seeing you and we'd planned our trip around staying with you so this make things rather difficult for us. October won't work for us as I'll be almost due then and I'll be very grumpy"

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 06:38

For various reasons that I don't want to get into here for fear of outing us all, I am very sure that uncle is not depressed.

Another type of illness is of course possible. But I would have expected -at the least - for aunt to suggest some alternative accommodation perhaps or even say we could contact them if we needed any help to find somewhere. Perhaps I'm expecting too much though

OP posts:
goblinhat · 28/08/2015 06:51

as I could wash our clothes etc in between and cut down in packing.

Lovely.
I have had guests like that before.

Lovely to see you auntie and offload out laundry.

LindyHemming · 28/08/2015 06:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flutterbutterfly · 28/08/2015 06:59

id go with a couple of days silence ( make them sweat)
Then one of the nice PA messages above.

They need to know that they have inconvenienced and cost you money. That they won't be staying in oct (or any other month)

RingDownRingUp · 28/08/2015 07:01

I would just send a polite text, something along the lines of 'oh that's a shame,we were looking forward to seeing you'.

Sounds like the uncle is depressed or has some sort of stress-related illness and they don't want to go into the details with you (hence the pointless bits about the son and puppy).

I wouldn't mention October. You can make some excuse about that later if need me. They sound like they have enough on their plate at the moment.

goblinhat · 28/08/2015 07:08

I agree, probably enough on their plate to be delighted at looking forward to a load of dirty clothes.

Itscurtainsforyou · 28/08/2015 07:13

Sympathies op, something similar (although only one night) happened to us last year. We just replied "oh ok" then received a phone call a few days later with a more elaborate excuse explanation.
Whether it was true or not I have no idea, but I'll not be relying on them again!

Iggly · 28/08/2015 07:18

Anything could be up. Maybe the uncle is a violent thug for example.

My mum used to do this - come up with terrible excuses to hide the fact her husband was violent and bad tempered.

greenwichjelly · 28/08/2015 07:19

I agree with goblinhat. Sounds like your visit to them wouldn't be much of a visit for them; more of an imposition. Like you're only going because it's somewhere to do your laundry. As for them suggesting alternatives, why? Presumably you know how to use the internet?!

NameChange30 · 28/08/2015 07:24

I don't think you should be having this conversation by text message, or email, or anything like that. They should have called you tbh, but since they didn't, your DH should call them - but maybe not straight away, maybe when the dust has settled and he's feeling less angry.

I think it would be reasonable to point out that they've put you in a tricky position by letting you down at short notice. But there's no point having a big go at them. And it would also be a good idea to ask if everything is ok with them. As others have said, they might be going through a very difficult time. It doesn't completely excuse them letting you down but it would explain it. And lastly I think you should tell them that you won't want visitors in October because of your due date.

In these situations I always think it's better to be calm and assertive rather than passive aggressive, as some people seem to advocate with their suggested replies.

In any case good luck finding an alternative, and I hope it doesn't stop you enjoying the holiday. I'm sure it will work out!

EponasWildDaughter · 28/08/2015 07:33

The up and down of it is that they feel they want to cancel having visitors staying on those days.

It's not good of them to do it at such late notice, but it's not anyone's place to tell them their reasons aren't good enough. (imagine that as an AIBU! I've had to cancel my relatives coming because of X y Z but they don't think they're good enough reasons and have got sniffy/gone silent/turnedup anyway!)

Or it could be, as others have suggested, that there is something else going on.

Glad you're going to SILs.

I would text: ''Thanks for letting us know. October is 2 weeks before my due date so cant host then, sadly. Take care x"

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 07:33

Um ok - I was going to ask to do a couple of loads of washing at a time that suited. Obviously do it myself

Washing has never been mentioned so at least I can rest assured that that wasn't the issue Grin

That's totally fine if they find it an imposition. They're quite entitled not to have anyone in their house. But, the corollary to that is if you dont want anyone in the house, stop mentioning that you want them and their DC to visit every time you see them

There was much considering of diaries to get the date to visit them and we booked our holiday around that date - which they knew. So, for me, booking a visit with family in advance means that I expect it to take place - it wasn't a vague discussion

I've got quite a lot if things booked in far in advance - a friend's wedding later in the year and a family member is planning to visit from overseas next year. She's sorting out who ti come and see when now. Just because she's organising in advance, it's fine for us to say with little notice that actually she can't actually come and also flake out of other friend's wedding (because we got 9 months notice of that)?Confused. I don't understand that or think it's fair.

Anyway, we will find somewhere else to stay and won't be making any plans with them in the future - if uncle is depressed or whatever - then that covers that off too so seems best all round

Things have moved on somewhat in that DH actually texted his uncle to say that we were disappointed and it left us in somewhat of a tight spot given that dates had actually been booked in at their instance and their convenience.

OP posts:
PegsPigs · 28/08/2015 07:39

Great text OP. The only add is about DC3 being due in October as this softens the PA tone (which is perfect BTW!) and gives a reason when you do end up not letting them visit. They will have been forewarned.

PegsPigs · 28/08/2015 07:42

Oh I see DH has replied. Well let us know what they say.

The thing is when someone has rescinded an invitation there's no way I'd stay with them even if they did say 'oh yeah go on then' as I'd feel too unwelcome.

JustOneMinuteAtATime · 28/08/2015 07:44

The problem with DHs text is that if they relent, you're going to have an awful stay because everyone knows they don't want you there.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 07:50

Actually - SIL has just saved the day and said we can stay with her (although she is away for the weekend - but at least we will see her in the Sunday)

So, even if aunt now relents (wow - how hospitable) we can politely say we have made other arrangements and don't want to muck SIL about.

DH is quite adamant that we are not staying with them so there's no way he would accept a re-instated invite

His text was good in that it was very polite and measured - it was sent more in sorrow that in anger. I was shocked but it's more upsetting for him as it's his family and he feels sad about it

OP posts:
Wolpertinger · 28/08/2015 07:53

Good on your DH - they are his relatives after all.

I have ILs who are good at grand invitations but even better at bailing just before the event. No illness/hidden family secret - just they like the image of themselves as sociable hosts but when push comes to shove, they just aren't that sort of person and so invariably come up with 10 crap excuses at the last minute.