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AIBU?

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Original poster

Invitation rescinded - help me respond to this text without BU

123 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/08/2015 22:52

OK. I've had various threads about poor DH's weird family but think this one may take the biscuit......

We have a 1 and a 2 year old and I am currently 28 weeks pregnant. We are off on a UK holiday in a week's time.

We are staying in two destinations and had agreed with DH's aunt and uncle that we would stay with them in between for 3 nights. This was all agreed in January and we had booked our hols around dates that suited them. All fine and agreed. It was very helpful as I could wash our clothes etc in between and cut down in packing. They have often asked us to go and stay (we never have due to distance and babies etc) so didn't feel this was prevailing.

I've just now had a text from DH's aunt saying can we postpone and they will come and visit us at the end of October (ie two weeks before the baby is due)

Reasons for us not coming are that the uncle has been back at work for two days after his holidays and is a "bit grumpy". One of their DDs has a practice DOfE expedition and they are getting a dog in 2 weeks time.

We are now in quite understatement an awkward position as we have to find 3 nights of accommodation at pretty short notice. The places we staying were booked loads in advance so we got good deals but over that weekend are now really expensive. We'll obviously look elsewhere but it's not very nice to be worrying about where to stay at this late stage.

DH is fuming. I actually feel like I could cry.

How do I respond to this text? My natural instinct is to say "Oh, OK." and not rock the boat - although I was actually speechless when I got the text. But then I think maybe I should politely say actually this is very inconvenient. Or maybe I should just let DH deal with it.....

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 28/08/2015 07:53

good response from your dh. and i wouldn't make another date with them and def don't have them in october!

Bakeoffcake · 28/08/2015 07:57

What are they normally like? if they are usually lovely then I too would be thinking something quite serious is going on and they don't want to tell people. Your dh sending that text will just add to their problems.

Yes, it's extremely inconvenient for you but tbh you just need to get a grip and find somewhere else, plus give them the benefit of the doubt, you really don't know what's going on in their lives.

magoria · 28/08/2015 07:58

I would be making it very clear what they have done.

Something like sorry to hear that, hope there are no major issues. At such short notice this leaves us in a real pickle can you recommend a few cheap B&Bs? I'm afraid Oct is out of the question. I will be due/in labour/have a new baby with a 1 & 2 year old and not be having any house guests. Perhaps we can catch up early next year.

BrianButterfield · 28/08/2015 08:03

Surely doing laundry at a relatives house is fairly normal? If I had people staying between trips I'd ask if they wanted to use the washing machine.

magoria · 28/08/2015 08:03

X post about the accommodation. Still make it plain there will be no October holiday for them at your cost.

echt · 28/08/2015 08:11

Why are some posters getting arsey about laundry? Hmm When I receive visitors who've been travelling, I know they'd 1. like a drink and 2. be pointed at the washing machine. It's not an imposition, as I won't actually be bashing their rancid undercrackers on a rock.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 08:22

I think we have to take aunt's text at face value.

I do accept that there could be other issues. Bit surely you would text and say that you were really sorry but something had come up that meant that it just was impossible for us to stay (no need to go into details) and at least offer some details of nearest places to stay?

What DH and I found quite shocking was that it was a litany of crap excuses with no regret even expressed.

And - yes - I do understand that uncle could be lying bleeding to death on the floor whilst she texted but I think it's more likely that this is not the case than it is

Interestingly, MIL has now divulged that she has had similar experiences in the past. Her view is that aunt does stuff like this unilaterally to "punish" uncle. Not sure how correct this is and don't really want to investigate further but definitely makes me think that the right thing to do in future is not to rely on them for any accommodation etc.

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/08/2015 08:27

Considering the background. And considering the October suggestion (thinking more clearly in the morning) it doesn't sound like much is going on other than lack of consideration.
I wonder if the difficulty in finding a date to suit was already them not wanting you to visit.

Waltermittythesequel · 28/08/2015 08:52

They've let you down at short notice and that's crap but you and your dh sound a but dramatic about the whole thing.

He's texting 'in sorrow' Hmm, you're like a dog with a bone about them finding alternative accommodation for you...

It's just all a bit OTT is it not?

I wouldn't expect them to find alternative accommodation because I know how to Google!

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 08:57

Could have been - bit again the gist was at their suggestion so just struggling with why you would suggest that if you didnt want people to visit.

The dates thing was because they said they so, so wanted us to visit and uncle has quite a lot if work commitments etc but he wanted to be there. To be honest, we ended up booking the other bits of our holiday for far later in the year than we wanted because they were so insistent that they wanted us to stay. I did say a few times during the process that we completely understood if it was not suitable and obviously they were very busy etc. that would have given them a gracious exit

I think what we are struggling to understand was this constant insistence of oh no we must come etc and now this bunch of rather random excuses late in the day

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 28/08/2015 09:00

I doubt that they ever expected you to follow through and have been discussing their get out for weeks.

Silly people. All stuff and bluster probably. Better off in your SIL's house by a long shot.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 09:01

We've got somewhere else to stay now luckily so don't expect any substantive help. I did expect the text to end with an offer of help - yes.

DH does feel let down. He doesn't want to have an argument about it but felt that he did want to say that he was disappointed and it potentially put us in a bit of a tight spot - ie there were consequences to the cancellation given the late notice

OP posts:
Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 09:04

I do agree that we will be better if with SIL and I feel really relieved that we have managed to sort something out so quickly.

She is actually moving and was going to be staying with a friend until she got sorted out but fortunately her move has been put back and she extended her lease - very lucky.

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/08/2015 09:10

If I was cancelling on people in the same circumstances I'd certainly be looking at alternatives to suggest.
It still looks a bit like they wanted to offer but not follow through.
Put it down to experience.

MerryMarigold · 28/08/2015 09:11

a. You are going away in term time. I don't see how things can be so booked up with a week's notice.
b. Your kids are the perfect age for long distance travel if you travel at night or nap times so you could conceivably stay anywhere.

I agree with the PP who said it is odd of the ILs to do this, but your reaction is also v odd too. I understand you are pg and I was a bit more of a drama queen when pg, but your dh is not. I would be a bit annoyed, but I really would not expect them to come up with other suggestions or pay for alternative accomodation.

CrumbledFeta · 28/08/2015 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bakeoffcake · 28/08/2015 09:19

Well if the aunt has done this before to "punish her dh" then there's even more reason not to be so upset with them. There's obviously stuff going on you've no idea about (as lots have pointed out could be the case).

I'd be feeling sorry for the uncle at the moment.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 09:30

crumbled - I agree. We normally sort all of our stuff out ourselves or stay with ultra-reliable people like my parents etc. lesson learned. It was fine when we were child free and actually I would not have really cared but it's a bit harder to rearrange things with DC.

Re things being booked up - we're staying at a holiday type place (initials CP) and that weekend is booked up now apart from expensive type left overs. I think it's quite common for weekends at CP to be popular - term times or not. Obviously I've not said that every hotel in the UK is booked up but apols if my post was unclear on that. I don't think that.

Fortunately we are sorted out with SIL

Re: DH, I agree with what he has done. He's normally a very stoical person but this has upset him somewhat. He's very independent and I think he feels it's the first time he's actually accepted this constant forced hospitality - organised holidays around it etc - and he is disappointed about the cancellation taking at face value the reasons. He sent the text this morning and told me after the event but his preference is just to say that's he's disappointed, have it out in the open and move on but with the caveat that we won't accept any further invites - which I'm sure will be a relief for all!

OP posts:
Rachel0Greep · 28/08/2015 09:38

It's not an imposition, as I won't actually be bashing their rancid undercrackers on a rock.

This made me lol.
Glad you got sorted OP. Enjoy the holiday.

EponasWildDaughter · 28/08/2015 09:44

I don't blame your DH for being a bit sad about what they've done. You live and learn though.

I think the lack of proper apology from them is the worst thing about this. Manners really matter IMO. I honestly believe i could forgive just about anything as long as a heartfelt apology was given afterwards Grin

WingsofNylon · 28/08/2015 09:47

Hummm. It's very annoying. But you keep saying they are rude and bonkers etc, so I get the feeling that you don't actually care about seeing them just the expense and lack of washing machine access.

So overall it's probably best that you won't be staying with them. They don't want you there are you don't want to see them.

GoooRooo · 28/08/2015 09:54

I think your DH's approach is a good one. I hope they reply with something suitably apologetic.

When they offer for you to stay with them in future a 'I don't think that's the best idea' type response is the way to go.

G1veMeStrength · 28/08/2015 09:56

If you have got a whirlpool bath at CP they are v good for washing clothes in. Then spread them out in the sauna. Wink

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 10:08

I don't think they are rude and bonkers per se (have I said that?) I think their approach to this one situation is rude, yes. Re: aunt punishing uncle, I have no idea if that is correct and actually don't want to dig any further. I just dintvwabtvti unwittingly be caught up in any of that type of thing.

The point about the apology is good - I think if they had said look, we're really sorry but this isn't going to work out for us. Here's the details of somewhere close by that is child friendly. Let us know if there is anything else we can do to help. I would have been less shocked.

It's the litany of odd excuses re: DOfE and dogs with no apology and finished off with an invite to come to see us at a not very convenient isn't time etc that makes me think Confused Hmm plus the odd insistence that we must come to stay which has actually driven all this in the first place

Anyway, it is sorted now and lesson learned. It's quite a relief actually as both DH and I have vocational careers (I'm on mat leave) and there have been various requests for assistance with arranging work experience etc for their DC and helping with UCAS forms. Now we won't need to bother making any effort above exactly what suits us with all that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 28/08/2015 10:10

Sadly no whirlpool bath - we are slumming it Grin

You clearly stay in the accommodation we aspire to G1ve! Grin. I suppose there's always the lake.....!

OP posts: