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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My aunt won't give me my gran's rings.

127 replies

readingphoenix · 27/08/2015 22:07

My gran’s will of 1981 stipulates that her two rings go to her daughter, my auntie (Doreen), but that after Doreen’s death they were to come to me, her only granddaughter. Ok, so the last time I heard my aunt was still alive, about 90 odd. I am now 46. I have never seen these rings, she fobbed me off the three times that I have ever asked. I tried last year to communicate with her family (her sons, my cousins), which even though we hardly see each other I have an ok relationship with, but they didn’t get back to me. I don’t want the rings for myself but for my two daughters. I would especially love to give one of these rings to my daughter who is getting married in march (it would mean it was the ring of her great grandmother) and it would mean so much to me as she never met my mother (her grandmother as she died quite young).
I understand that my aunt is still alive and is therefore under no obligation to give them to me now but I am worried that she could die and her family deny any knowledge, given that I have never seen these rings, and my aunt, on the few times I have seen her has been reluctant to speak about them. What can I do, any suggestions?

OP posts:
Charis1 · 28/08/2015 11:01

It doesn't make any difference whether it is in a codicil or a will. If the rings were left by your grandmother to your aunt, she ( and you) have no say what so ever on who the aunt leaves them to. Being in a codicil doesn't change that.

Charis1 · 28/08/2015 11:02

In other words..

They are not your rings and they never will be

HeighHoghItsBacktoWorkIGo · 28/08/2015 11:23

How can you say that Charis? Can you fortell the future?

I agree the rings are the Aunt's, but I also see that the GGM's wishes to keep the rings within the family, down the female line has some moral claim too. I think disposing of family heirlooms except in extreme circumstances, rather than passing them to the next generation is pretty grabby.

Charis1 · 28/08/2015 11:30

some moral claim too very dubious, and no legal claim what so ever.

Hellochicken · 28/08/2015 11:31

YABU
"I am worried that she could die . . . and her family deny all knowledge" about some jewelry!

I think your attitude is all wrong. These are gifts. Your grandmother thought enough of Doreen to give them to her.

For you to want to get them for your daughters wedding before Doreen has died is really awful. If they were given, that is completely different.

My only suggestion is not to upset a 90 year old about her mothers rings.

AlisonWunderland · 28/08/2015 11:33

The thing is, if you have never seen these rings, how will you know if Doreen or her family give you the actual rings?
They could give you anything from a charity shop

cedricsneer · 28/08/2015 11:47

Firstly I don't really get the death bed thing. Its one thing to have a conversation about following your dreams/ looking after loved ones- a vow to keep some rings seems like attaching value to all the wrong things. But I get that people are different, so, Hmm.

However I really don't understand the "doreen didn't show me the rings" stuff. You seem to have no relationship with her do I find it odd that you think it would be ok to occasionally check in with her to pester her to see some rings you may inherit. Still seems entitled to me...

I don't even know if I am going to inherit any jewellery but if I was I certainly wouldn't need to see it in advance. It's all a bit weird. I think the consensus here is to let it go. Are you going to?

DobbyTheFreeElf · 28/08/2015 12:02

Is Doreen invited to the wedding?

DameMargaretOfChalfont · 28/08/2015 12:19

Dobby!!!!! Grin

fearandloathinginambridge · 28/08/2015 12:27

My gran’s will of 1981 stipulates ... after Doreen’s death they were to come to me.

The key words here are ...after Doreen's death ...

I wouldn't waste energy and emotion chasing these rings either now or after she has died. The relationship doesn't sound a positive one and I am sure your mother wouldn't want to see family rifts being widened for the sake of a couple of rings.

When my mother died she gave her wedding ring and engagement ring to my younger sister without any discussion. I spent a while feeling sad about that and then realised in fairly short order that life was too bloody short to give a damn. People are more important than possessions.

Viviennemary · 28/08/2015 12:36

But if your aunt is still alive then she hasn't gone against the wishes of your Gran as the aunt hasn't died. But the fact you have kept asking probably means you won't see these rings even when your aunt does die. Because it's not really on to ask about items before somebody has died. I don't think you have any comeback legally as in the will the rings were left to your aunt with a wish that they would be passed on.

But I have heard of things being left to a person for a lifetime's use only. Like property and then it passes on to the person specified in the will. But this doesn't seem to be the case here.

DobbyTheFreeElf · 28/08/2015 12:42

Well I was just thinking, if Doreen was invited to the wedding the OP could pretend to shake hands and quickly whip the rings from her 90 year old aunties fingers instead and hand them over to the priest or best man to look after until they where safely on her daughters fingers - joke. Grin

Reubs15 · 28/08/2015 13:52

Good God op if someone was ringing me just to check if I was dead for some rings I would ensure they never got them!

mellowheart · 28/08/2015 16:43

They're just rings, what's the big deal. Would they really make your daughters any happier. Not worth falling out over, it just makes you look very grabby. I would just forget you ever knew anything about them.

comingintomyown · 28/08/2015 16:57

Do you know why she didn't leave one ring each to her daughters ?

This sounds like a lost cause I'm afraid and in your shoes I would drop it, if the rings find their way to you in the future ok and I'm sure your DD would still be delighted to receive one as gift then

Jurysout2 · 28/08/2015 17:01

Dobby classy GrinGrin

OP you've obviously spent a lot of time thinking about these rings to the point you've already planned to 'gift' the ring that you haven't got yet to your DD. What a very greedy mare you are! Shock Doreen is not dead yet, leave her alone.

I secretly hope you NEVER get the rings. Your main worry is she won't die in time hand over the rings in time, for your DD's wedding, NOT her relies withholding them. Greedy, Greedy Greedy!

Marynary · 28/08/2015 18:40

I think that it is really awful of you to hassle your Aunt and her family about about these rings. If anything it will probably made them feel less inclined to give you the rings when she dies and I don't blame them. I doubt that they have to give you the rings as they now belong to your Aunt. You say that she doesn't have daughters but does she have granddaughters or great granddaughter? She may decide to give the rings to them rather than to a niece she never sees.

JustHavinABreak · 28/08/2015 18:43

Hmmm OP the more you explain, the worse you sound Hmm

honeyroar · 28/08/2015 19:58

Dobby actually has a point (not about nicking the rings off her fingers!!) about the wedding.

You don't know this old lady, you don't like her and are coming across like you're chasing her simply for the rings. Why not try another tactic and befriend her, invite her to the wedding, try and crack the ice around her... She will then have you in her mind in a totally different way and be more likely to pass the rings on.

Does your future DIL even want these rings? Has she even seen them? I wouldn't want my DH's dead grsndmother's rings particularly, not as my wedding ring.

fabuLou · 28/08/2015 20:02

Shes still alive. Yabvu and grabby

Wearyheadedlady · 28/08/2015 20:17

Does she have any grand-daughters of her own now, this aunt? You can bet your arse the rings will be going to them, not you. Sorry. And you have no legal claim whatsoever, given that they are her property, to dispense with as it suits her.

hackmum · 28/08/2015 20:37

OP, I don't want to be unsympathetic and I'm trying hard to see your point of view here, but I'm afraid I also think you're grabby. Your grandmother left the rings to her daughter. She wanted her daughter to give them to you after her death. It is the height of bad manners even to mention the rings to your aunt let alone to ask to see them. Your aunt must surely be thinking that you can't wait for her to die and inherit the rings.

Jurysout2 · 28/08/2015 20:47

honeyroar try another tactic Hmm I think befriending someone simply with the hope that they might bequeath something to you is equally distasteful, dishonest and immoral. Can you really not hear how awful this suggestion sounds?

so the last time I heard my aunt was still alive, about 90 odd
OP is clearly fishing around to find out if the poor woman's dead and not getting the news she expected.

hackmum · 28/08/2015 20:57

"I tried last year to communicate with her family (her sons, my cousins), which even though we hardly see each other I have an ok relationship with, but they didn’t get back to me."

I wonder why?

You can imagine the conversation between the cousins, can't you - "Oh no, it's readingphoenix again, she only ever contacts us to see when she can get hold of those rings."

Wombatinabathhat · 28/08/2015 21:33

If she wanted you to have the rings - why not just leave them to you in the first place? Age is no bar. If they were left to me 30 odd years ago then they were mine to do what I wanted with. I may have sold them by now. Just saying