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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My aunt won't give me my gran's rings.

127 replies

readingphoenix · 27/08/2015 22:07

My gran’s will of 1981 stipulates that her two rings go to her daughter, my auntie (Doreen), but that after Doreen’s death they were to come to me, her only granddaughter. Ok, so the last time I heard my aunt was still alive, about 90 odd. I am now 46. I have never seen these rings, she fobbed me off the three times that I have ever asked. I tried last year to communicate with her family (her sons, my cousins), which even though we hardly see each other I have an ok relationship with, but they didn’t get back to me. I don’t want the rings for myself but for my two daughters. I would especially love to give one of these rings to my daughter who is getting married in march (it would mean it was the ring of her great grandmother) and it would mean so much to me as she never met my mother (her grandmother as she died quite young).
I understand that my aunt is still alive and is therefore under no obligation to give them to me now but I am worried that she could die and her family deny any knowledge, given that I have never seen these rings, and my aunt, on the few times I have seen her has been reluctant to speak about them. What can I do, any suggestions?

OP posts:

SistersOfPercy · 27/08/2015 23:28

I think you have to let it go tbh. I know how you feel though.

I was close to my nan and her wedding ring and a signet ring went to my aunt who I was also very close to. Signet ring bore DDs initials by coincide and aunt promised id have them.
Sadly my lovely Aunt died from cancer and after the funeral my uncle, a man id been close to all my life, cut us all off. I assume his daughter from his first marriage now has those rings and it does hurt. Dd should be wearing it. I try not to give it headspace now, I can't change anything. I tell her about her lovely great gran and she has fond memories of her great aunt. Those are worth more than the ring ultimately.

honeyroar · 27/08/2015 23:31

Tough. They're not yours yet and to hassle a 90 year old for her mother's rings is really poor taste.

FortyCoats · 27/08/2015 23:34

There are two possibilities...

your gran left the rings to her daughter. Willed them to her and requested that upon her death, they be willed on to you. If this is the case, you have no right to the rings. They are your aunts to decide if she will do as her mother requested OR having realised how you only care about the rings and not actually her or her immediate family, may not bother her arse.
your gran willed the rings to you but stated (there's a legal term I can't think of just now) that your aunt was to have the 'use' of them for her lifetime before they became yours. If this is the case, hold the paperwork and at least wait until the woman passes before you ask the family for the rings. If they are no longer in the family you can take legal action to be reimbursed from her estate but as they only hold sentimental value to you, I'm assuming you won't bother with that.

Floralnomad · 27/08/2015 23:36

sisters , I think your situation is different as you were obviously close to the people involved ,whereas the OP cannot even be certain that the aunt is alive so hardly a close family . Sorry OP but you do come across as very grabby and insensitive .

Postchildrenpregranny · 27/08/2015 23:37

If the will stipulated it then I would have thought OP is entitled to the rings on her aunt's death . And I cannot see the harm in trying to find out, nicely, where they are and remind auntie of her of her mother's wish. I don't think it's grabby at all .Old, second hand jewellry is worth much less than you might think anyway and OP made very clear the rings are of sentimental value to her (just had very pretty Edwardian 3 emerald and 4 diamond ring left to me by MIL made smaller and valued for insurance - £400)

Mrsjayy · 27/08/2015 23:42

Poor Auntie Doreen she isnt even dead maybe camp outside her house she cant have to many years left.

noiwontstoptalking · 27/08/2015 23:43

I'm not clear how much sentimental value can be attached to rings you have never seen OP (didn't you see them when your GM was alive?)

However that aside repeatedly asking a 90 woman where these rings are, is distasteful at best and potentially distressing at worst.

Give your daughter one of your own rings for her something old.

The others don't belong to you.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 27/08/2015 23:45

So Auntie Doreen is being nagged to hand her possessions over now because she might die at any moment?

Classy. Really classy.

You could just mug her. That might be less traumatic...

Aeroflotgirl · 27/08/2015 23:46

You sound very grabby, the poor woman sent even dead yet! Have you gotten to know Aunt Doreen, and have a relationship with her, or do you just want her for the rings.

SistersOfPercy · 27/08/2015 23:48

I agree floral, but I meant I understood how it feels to kind of obsess over something you never owned in the first place. I've often thought of contacting the step daughter but then realise it's just not worth it.

Tbh I was (and still an several years later) more upset with the behaviour of my uncle. He stopped taking calls, cut off two kids who adored him. I know grief affects people differently but i lost both of them in one swoop.

ChristineDePisan · 27/08/2015 23:56

Are you still there, OP?

BreakWindandFire · 28/08/2015 00:47

Not a lawyer but the issue seems to be whether the rings were gifted to your aunt, outright, with a (non-legally binding) wish that they eventually pass to you, or whether there's some sort of trust where she has a life interest, after which they pass to you. If it's the former you have no legal right to the rings, and if it's the latter, you do.

Moopsboopsmum · 28/08/2015 03:52

She has probably sold them. Let it go. Forward not back. That is what we say in our house. My sister was left a beautiful gold watch and heavy chain worth thousands and thousands of pounds. I'm pretty sure her feckless husband has sold them but I would never ask as it is none of my business!

Arsenic · 28/08/2015 04:10

You could try wrenching them from her fingers (?)

Toadinthehole · 28/08/2015 06:49

I think the OP is being given a hard go.

Her grandmother's wishes should be respected. If her aunt intended to do this, one would expect her at least to have shown the OP the rings and assured her they were in safe keeping.

The legalities are entirely beside the point. Of course it is possible for a will to create a legal requirement that the rings come to her. But even if her grandmother's will didn't, I don't see why morals have to follow property rights. If the ring has been flogged off, or if the aunt plans to leave them to someone else, then the aunt is behaving badly and owes the OP an explanation.

Sounds to me like the aunt is being rude by having fobbed the OP off.

Arsenic · 28/08/2015 06:54

She's a nonagenarian. Maybe she has other challenges and priorities other than OP's strange agenda.

OP has clearly said she wants the rings for her DDs soon. Specifically to give one to one DD for her March wedding.

That was never the deal. Or she hoping the Aunt will be compliant enough to die before March?

If I was the OP's Aunt or cousins, I'd be tempted to ignore her too. It's the most tactful course of action.

cedricsneer · 28/08/2015 07:02

Looking at the title of this thread is very revealing. Why on earth should she "give you" the rings? You want them now and they are hers (certainly for now). If I were her and I had a relative who doesn't really know if I am alive or dead but only contacts me about some rings I would make sure they never got their grasping, entitled hands on them.

Maybe try a different approach, like enquiring as to her welfare.

Charis1 · 28/08/2015 07:04

Unless the original will stipulated life time interest only, the rings do not belong to the OP, never have and never will.

LindyHemming · 28/08/2015 07:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flutterbutterfly · 28/08/2015 07:09

Do you know what they look like? Do they know that you don't?

Do you know the stones or carats?

They could fob you off with any old tat.

I think it's ok to want her wishes honoured, it is poor taste if she's alive.
I'd guess you could put something legal in place if they are very expensive ( a declaration of interest for probate - they must exist)

Flutterbutterfly · 28/08/2015 07:11

Just read you want them for March......no it doesn't work like that.

londonrach · 28/08/2015 07:12

Your aunt is alive still. Why are you after the rings. Sounds like you are not close as you havent seen her. From what i understand its now up to your aunt when she dies what happens to the rings.

TheTigerIsOut · 28/08/2015 07:14

Extremely poor taste, can't believe you are pestering an old lady like that. IMO, you should sit and wait, and not expect anything, your grandmother was silly to dictate what happens to her belongings after the people she passed them to dies. If the rings come your way, fantastic, but I wouldn't judge your aunt's family for disposing of the rings after you brought so much grief into what was a loving memento of your grandmother.

Iggly · 28/08/2015 07:15

Let's not forget - your gran was your aunt's mother.....

So put yourself in her shoes.

Bakeoffcake · 28/08/2015 07:15

This cannot be for real. No one can be that rude insensitive.

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