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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My aunt won't give me my gran's rings.

127 replies

readingphoenix · 27/08/2015 22:07

My gran’s will of 1981 stipulates that her two rings go to her daughter, my auntie (Doreen), but that after Doreen’s death they were to come to me, her only granddaughter. Ok, so the last time I heard my aunt was still alive, about 90 odd. I am now 46. I have never seen these rings, she fobbed me off the three times that I have ever asked. I tried last year to communicate with her family (her sons, my cousins), which even though we hardly see each other I have an ok relationship with, but they didn’t get back to me. I don’t want the rings for myself but for my two daughters. I would especially love to give one of these rings to my daughter who is getting married in march (it would mean it was the ring of her great grandmother) and it would mean so much to me as she never met my mother (her grandmother as she died quite young).
I understand that my aunt is still alive and is therefore under no obligation to give them to me now but I am worried that she could die and her family deny any knowledge, given that I have never seen these rings, and my aunt, on the few times I have seen her has been reluctant to speak about them. What can I do, any suggestions?

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 28/08/2015 07:18

I think you should leave the poor woman alone.

Bakeoffcake · 28/08/2015 07:18

Can you imagine the sons' talking to their mum about it?

"mum, you know your mum's rings, the ones you love, well your niece, who you haven't seen for years, wants one of them to give to her dd. Yes I know it's hard, but come on hand it over"

Like that's gonna happen!

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 28/08/2015 07:23

You're not the same person who wants to sell the war medals are you?

mollie123 · 28/08/2015 08:00

gran's will was 34 years ago and you were 12 at the time (1981) are you sure about the contents and how it was written. your aunt is now the owner and no doubt cherishes/had cherished these rings. let it go.

LittleLionMansMummy · 28/08/2015 08:11

Yabu. And grubby. That is all.

Ripeningapples · 28/08/2015 08:14

How much are these rings worth for this much angst? If they're similar to the "Star of Africa" may be some of it's justified. However, it's rude to ask if you haven't been in touch with the lady for many years. Perhaps your grandma imagined you would visit somebody who was so important to her occasionally and maintain a famililal relationship with them.

I can just imagine the conversations on the other side. "Ooh mum, you were going to pass those rings on to Phoenix but really why should you even worry about it and what happened, she's never so much as sent a Christmas card and there wasn't even a card and bunch of flowers when dad died. And now she's got the cheek to ask for the rings. Oh, mum, I'm so glad you sold them so my dd could go on that school trip in 1989, now I know you were going to replace them, but really in the circumstances, is she really worth it, especially when that nice upright recliner would be so helpful with your arthritis".

Honestly.

Original poster
readingphoenix · 28/08/2015 08:22

Thank you very much and the others on here who have understood me. Far from being a money grabber, which these comments have hurt me, I couldnlt care less. But it is written in a codicil to the will. I don't think asking to see some rings three times in over 30 years is grasping. And just to be clear I have never liked this auntie even when I was a child. when I rang her a few years ago (I have spent most of my life outside of the uk, I was brought up in Singapore and I brought up my family in Zimbabwe and I continue to travel now my two daughters are grown), my aunt asked me, her niece 'ooohhh you're still alive then'. Given that I had grade 3 aggressive cancer 12 years ago I don't think that was a nice thing to say to your niece. My daughter works in new York, for finance, therefore I can assure you we don't need these rings for financial gain and I have wonderful jewelry that my wonderful Italian mother in law gave me which I value so much. I can assure you that being very family orientated, and never having met her great grandmother, or her grandmother my daughter would be over the moon to receive something that my gran obviously wanted to keep with the females of the family. I will stipulate again I was the only granddaughter and was also very close to my gran. I have given many things to my niece (my brothers daughter) that belonged to my mum, and I can tell you that it felt wonderful. By the way, when my mum was dying, she was 46, I was 19, my mum made me promise her that I would get those rings and never sell them. My mum knew what her sister was like (we lived in Singapore when my gran made her will) and Doreen always got as she is money grabbing. So again thank you to those that have written constructively and sorry to those of you who haven't understood the situation or what a codicil is.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 28/08/2015 08:23

Your aunt is still alive but you want the ring anyway for your daughter. Have I got that right?

Wow...

Arsenic · 28/08/2015 08:26

So again thank you to those that have written constructively and sorry to those of you who haven't understood the situation or what a codicil is.

Did the codicil make provision for you to demand the rings at will? Or on your DD's marriage? Or because your Aunt had said a mean thing re cancer?

Are you sure it us who don't understand the legal position?

WizardOfToss · 28/08/2015 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
readingphoenix · 28/08/2015 08:29

Thank you for your comments.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/08/2015 08:32

I agree that the rings will never reach you.

There's a lot of bad feeling between you and your Aunt, I suspect she'll have made sure you don't get them.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/08/2015 08:34

Reading your further posts, in the will it states that you will get the rings when Aunt Doreen dies, as she is not dead yet, there is not much you can do. After her death you can ask for the rings, if not, you might pursue it legally.

Original poster
readingphoenix · 28/08/2015 08:40

Thank you very much Toadinthehole. My thoughts entirely. Personally I wouldn't bother with this ... except I promised my mum ..... and I really don't see why they should go to my aunt's DIL who is not blood. I understand she is still alive but I thought she could have saved confusion by talking about them or showing me them. By the way my other aunt, who died, my gran had three daughters, my mum being the youngest, also tried to talk to Doreen so we are quite clear she doesn't want to ever hand them over.

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/08/2015 08:46

But your aunt is not dead yet.

I think, for your own sanity, you need to stop obsessing about the rings and what they represent in terms of your mum, gran and aunt. There's a good chance you will not get them passed on. And honestly, there are more important things in life to worry about.

Goshthatsspicy · 28/08/2015 08:48

I am feeling that this situation is more about emotions, than money / ring grabbing.
I'm sorry you've been hurt by your Aunt.
I'm not sure there is much you can do, especially as she sill lives.
Flowers you must have even through a lot.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 28/08/2015 08:50

She is under no obligation to show them to you as she is still alive.Also, that's not what you want, you already said you want it for your daughter's wedding.

Arsenic · 28/08/2015 08:50

But you are talking about wanting them by March, for your DD's wedding.

Arsenic · 28/08/2015 08:51

I'm a bit confused about how showing them to you would assist anything anyway.

Badders123 · 28/08/2015 08:53

Your aunt is still alive.
You therefore have no claim to the rings (as per the codicil) until she is dead.
At that point you could pursue the legal route,
Til then im afraid there is nothing you can do.

greenwichjelly · 28/08/2015 08:53

Good god OP, you sound absolutely awful.

Badders123 · 28/08/2015 08:54

You seem very keen on actually seeing them...are you worried your aunt has sold them?

Aeroflotgirl · 28/08/2015 08:56

Exactly, however much you don't like aunt, she is nit deceased yet, so has the right to keep hold of those rings. You can only pursue it after her death, so leave it at the moment, get your dad a nice piece of jewlery for her wedding to wear, or a ring from you and her dad.

Catsgowoof · 28/08/2015 08:58

Do you think your aunt would sell them to you so you could have them now?

SurelyYoureJokingMrFeynman · 28/08/2015 08:59

If the will is like the one I quoted, Aunt Doreen has never owned the rings, she's been lent them for her life time.

It doesn't matter whether reading is close to Aunt Doreen: her grandmother, the owner of the rings, left them to reading. Presumably because GM wanted the rings to be heirlooms going down the female side of the family. She's complicated things by making them go via Doreen, when she could have left them to reading's mum, but maybe was working by a strict "eldest daughter" principal.

But I agree with others: in practice you'll never see those rings.

Someone above suggested some legal thing where you declare an interest in your aunt's probate, when the time comes. If that's straightforward to do , you could fulfil your promise to your mum that way; and just be prepared to move on in the likely event the rings have already been disposed of.