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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My aunt won't give me my gran's rings.

127 replies

readingphoenix · 27/08/2015 22:07

My gran’s will of 1981 stipulates that her two rings go to her daughter, my auntie (Doreen), but that after Doreen’s death they were to come to me, her only granddaughter. Ok, so the last time I heard my aunt was still alive, about 90 odd. I am now 46. I have never seen these rings, she fobbed me off the three times that I have ever asked. I tried last year to communicate with her family (her sons, my cousins), which even though we hardly see each other I have an ok relationship with, but they didn’t get back to me. I don’t want the rings for myself but for my two daughters. I would especially love to give one of these rings to my daughter who is getting married in march (it would mean it was the ring of her great grandmother) and it would mean so much to me as she never met my mother (her grandmother as she died quite young).
I understand that my aunt is still alive and is therefore under no obligation to give them to me now but I am worried that she could die and her family deny any knowledge, given that I have never seen these rings, and my aunt, on the few times I have seen her has been reluctant to speak about them. What can I do, any suggestions?

OP posts:
diddl · 28/08/2015 09:02

Well, who knows, you might get them when she dies, you'll have to wait & see.

But you don't like her so I don't see why you think she would be interested in showing you the rings or talking about them with you.

Can you imagine how awful it is for her not even to have been given her mums rings unconditionally?

Why do people will stuff with conditions?

Mermaidhair · 28/08/2015 09:02

Op, you have been given a hard time on here. Has anybody had a love one ask them to promise something on their death bed? I have, so I understand how these things can haunt you. You feel like that is the last thing this person wanted, and it is important to them. I think the post didn't come across properly. Flowersfor you. I hope your dgm rings find their way back to you.

SurelyYoureJokingMrFeynman · 28/08/2015 09:12

Yy, MermaidHair, I helped a friend exhaust all reasonable avenues attempting to fulfill a deathbed promise, so that they knew they'd done their best and it was out of their hands.

That's why I suggest OP become involved at probate (might need a lawyer, costing more than the monetary value of the rings!). But be prepared to walk away if the rings have gone.

Janeymoo50 · 28/08/2015 09:20

I guess the answers lie in your question, the key words being Gran/Aunt - until it is time (and not before), the rings belong to your Aunt regardless. I do though understand your point, my mum died two years ago and I had charge of her three rings (wedding, engagement and eternity). Even though it was not stipulated anywhere, I gave her wedding ring to my youngest niece and she now wears it as her own wedding ring as she married last year. The engagement ring I gave to my eldest niece as my mum had mentioned to me once she wanted her to have it (as she was the oldest grandaughter and would look after it). I have her eternity ring and I am going to wear it round by neck on a chain on my own wedding day.

DameMargaretOfChalfont · 28/08/2015 09:34

So again thank you to those that have written constructively and sorry to those of you who haven't understood the situation or what a codicil is

OP - I'm sure that we all know what a codicil is, however your desire to acquire a ring for your DD by March next year has NOTHING AT ALL to do with the will/codicil.

Mentioning the ring that you want for March seems very very grabby.

If you are worried that, after auntie's death, the rings go AWOL I suggest that you get a copy of the original will + codicil and see the exact wording. You may also require legal advice as to the legality of the situation.

TBH there's nothing stopping auntie from selling the rings now and enjoying the money - after all who will sue a dead woman?

kungfupannda · 28/08/2015 09:35

Until your aunt dies, the rings are hers. Whether the will is phrased in a way that creates a legal obligation for them to pass to you at her death or not, during her lifetime they are hers.

You are completely out of order chasing her about them, or trying to stake any claim at all while she is alive. It's like going into someone's house and measuring for curtains on the basis that you're going to inherit it once they're dead.

All you can do is to wait and see what happens. If they don't come to you in due course, you can take advice and see if the will allows for you to pursue the rings through legal avenues. If not, then you can write to the executors with a copy of the will, asking for her wishes to be honoured. Ultimately you might have to let it go.

But if you keep raising it during her lifetime, you're highly unlikely to endear yourself to her or to her family. Your daughter has no right to the rings on her marriage. If you bring that up, you're basically saying to someone 'give me your stuff now because I want it.' It's hers. It may at some point in the future become yours. But right now it's hers and there's nothing you can do about it except sour relations even further and probably make sure the family do everything they can to make sure you never get your hands on the rings.

I have a family member who kept on at my gran about a particular ring, nagging about having it left to her. My gran was furious about it, but did leave it, with a fairly snarky little comment in her will. Maybe you'll find that your aunt does the same.

UrethraFranklin1 · 28/08/2015 09:40

None of that makes the slightest difference. We have understood the codicil obviously better than you: On Doreens DEATH they are supposed to revert to you. Doreen isn't DEAD, so why are you trying to take jewellery from a 90 plus ear old woman? Hmm

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 28/08/2015 09:41

do you even know what the rings look like?

DrTinkle · 28/08/2015 09:50

You shouldn't be addressing this until after she dies. If there is any malice there your persistence now won't help you in the long run as they'll either hide/lose/sell them.

Floralnomad · 28/08/2015 10:05

urethrafranklin has summed the situation up beautifully . OP whatever you say you are being grabby and quite honestly your behaviour is more likely to result in you not getting them .

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 28/08/2015 10:12

I can't believe you're chasing a STILL ALIVE 90 odd year old woman for some rings you've never seen.

With a bit of luck she'll croak before next March and that'll work out nicely hey?

Maybe she's sold them and has gone on a cruise around the world with the money, and the family will hand over 2 pieces of charity shop tat after her death - because having never seen these rings that hold such sentimental value Hmm, you really wouldn't know the difference.

velourvoyageur · 28/08/2015 10:16

Smacks a bit of "you'll be dead soon so youmight as well just hand them over". She's not just waiting for the end you know Hmm maybe she wears them everyday!

has to be one of the grabbiest posts I've seen here
according to her will your gran wouldn't even want you to have them now, but only after your poor aunt dies! jesus christ

velourvoyageur · 28/08/2015 10:24

"sorry to those of you who haven't understood the situation" Hmm

atticusclaw2 · 28/08/2015 10:24

You need to take advice on the precise wording of the will.

If the rings were left to you but your aunt was given a lifetime interest in them then they will be your property on her death.

If the rings were left to your aunt with a codicil expressing a wish that they be passed on to you upon your aunt's death then in all likelihood you have no right to them whatsoever.

Speak to a solicitor and show them the will. It will take them very little time to tell you for certain what the position is.

I am a solicitor but don't practise in this area.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/08/2015 10:25

It sounds as if communication with that side of the family faded after your gran died and your focus on the jewellery irked them. I don't rate your chances of inheriting the rings, sorry.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/08/2015 10:25

A codicil is an amendment to a will. The key thing is how the amendment is worded. So knowing what a codicil is, isn't the point. The specific form of words used is. Did the will just give your aunt an interest during her lifetime or was it an outright gift with an expression of what your GM would like to happen when the Aunt died.

p.s. In either case the Aunt being alive is a significant block to you getting the rings!

atticusclaw2 · 28/08/2015 10:27

If you post the wording of the gift and the codicil there are enough of us lawyers on her that we will be able to give you a view (albeit that you should still always take proper advice rather than relying on someone anonymous on the internet being who they say they are).

Mermaidhair · 28/08/2015 10:28

Can everybody please stop with the "grabby" posts. I wouldn't be surprised if the op is in tears, after reading message after message saying the exact same thing. She made a death bed promise to her dm. It may not have been worded the best, but please give her a break now.

noiwontstoptalking · 28/08/2015 10:28

Doreen may be horrible as you say but:

She is still alive, therefore you are not yet entitled to the rings.

They belonged to her mother therefore they will have far more sentimental value to her than to you.

If you have lots of other family pieces and lots of money why are you so bothered about these rings?

You've never seen them, they may be horrible, they may be tiny/huge/completely unsuitable for your daughter.

Does your DD rely want them for her wedding? I wouldn't want a ring I'd never even seen foisted on me as a wedding ring.

A great grandma is quite a distant relative. I'd be surprised if your daughter feels the same way about these rings as you do.

Mermaidhair · 28/08/2015 10:30

And also the " you will never see the rings again". You do not know that, and it may be distressing for her to be told this.

Mermaidhair · 28/08/2015 10:31

She is "bothered" by these rings as she promised her dm she would get them. She has said it if you read her posts.

LIZS · 28/08/2015 10:36

Did your dm/dgm have any reason to suspect that aunt wouldn't hand them over in time? You might be better reconciling yourself to not getting them, or at least not until she has died. It doesn't sound as if you have had the type of relationship where you could simply ask now and expect a positive response. Unfortunately if they do disappear in the meantime there will probably be little you can do.

lunar1 · 28/08/2015 10:36

I feel so sorry for the aunt. She is an elderly woman and you are waiting for her to die, preferably before March. I'm hoping when the ring boxes are handed over they contain haribo rings! Never heard anything so grabby as this.

TheRealAmyLee · 28/08/2015 10:45

If your gran wanted the rings to go down the female line then that is what should happen BUT until your aunt dies you have no claim to them.

Personally I would focus on keeping good family relations and put it out of your mind for now. Then once your aunt is no longer here THEN approach her surviving family (preferably with a copy of your grans will) and nicely and politely ask.

TheRealAmyLee · 28/08/2015 10:50

I know how it feels to not be able to honour a promise to your mum who is no longer here so you have my sympathies but please try not to worry about it so much. Right now you need to keep family relations good. Trust me that will make all the difference later on. Focus on building and maintaining a positive relationship with that part of your family and then deal with the rings when the time comes.