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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pfb? 11 month old

120 replies

koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 17:21

I've just been to visit my old next door neighbours - I'll call them John and Sue for the purpose of this thread! They're a lovely couple in their 60s and I've known them since I was 10/11, they still live next to my dad. Sue has met DD (11 months) before but John hasn't so I thought I'd take her round for the first time.

They have 4 grandaughters, all grown up now and I remember how much John used to love taking care of them, going on walks with them in their pushchairs etc. So he was very excited to meet DD and immediately wanted to play with her and hold her etc. DD is a bit wary of people at first but soon warmed to him.

While me and Sue were talking in the living room, John took DD out into the back garden to show her the birds. I could still see her from a distance but I didn't feel very comfortable about it. I have anxiety and start to feel a bit panicky when she goes out of sight with people other than her dad and grandad etc. They soon returned and I relaxed a little.

After a while he wanted to show her his garage because he had toys in there from when their grandkids were small. So off he went with her, again returning within a few minutes but this time she was out of sight. I tried telling myself I was being silly - I've known them since I was little and know they're good people but I still worried. DD was fine and happy she had toys to play with.

Later on in the visit DD was standing up holding onto something and lost her balance, smacking her head on a cabinet door on the way down she cried for a couple of minutes and has a red mark but she seems ok now.

I've since returned home and noticed a huge red scratch down her arm, and another one on her chin and I can't help but worry that she hurt herself when he took her outside. He's lovely and means well but he's not looked after babies for a long time so has forgotten how much you have to keep an eye on them. For example, he came back with her clutching a bag of lego, a small piece of which just about to go in DD's mouth!

Am I being PFB/crazy or do I have reason to worry?

Btw the bump incident wasn't anyone's fault.

OP posts:

AnotherTimeMaybe · 30/08/2015 09:44

Is it true that no other mum would think twice about this?
About what? Leaving DC with neighbour? It depends, the ones I know personally would only leave with family like grandparents or aunties but not neighbours
Only you know if you trust this man 100%
No matter what you should still speak to gp

Original poster

koalabearsears · 30/08/2015 09:54

About letting her go out of sight with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

koalabearsears · 30/08/2015 09:58

AnotherTime, do you mean leave with as in babysitting or letting him take her outside?

OP posts:

MamaLazarou · 30/08/2015 10:07

I would be happy to let my baby go off for a few minutes with a kind, responsible adult who I knew and trusted. I think most people would. Your anxiety surrounding this is not usual, and life does not have to be like this. Good luck at the GP. You're doing the right thing for your daughter by seeking help.

BumWad · 30/08/2015 10:11

This seems like a complete non incident to me

BumWad · 30/08/2015 10:14

Ok I didn't read the whole thread. I hope you get sorted op.

Gileswithachainsaw · 30/08/2015 10:22

of course I would of I knew the people.

I took dd as a baby into my mum's work the staff promptly took her for a walk around the office.

These were people I didn't know but who mum had worked with and spoken fondly about for years.

I wouldn't with a complete stranger but friends or family or a neighbour id known for years of course I'd not worry if they went out of my sight.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 30/08/2015 10:39

I have a 21 month old and a 7 week old. I definitely wouldn't think twice about a trusted adult taking DD1 out of my sight for a few minutes (and would have felt the same at 11 months). In all honesty, I would allow a trusted adult to take my 7 week old out of my sight for a few minutes in the same house (and have done!)

Original poster

koalabearsears · 30/08/2015 10:46

Ok that makes me feel a bit better. I wish I could have had a normal reaction to this but considering I used to panic when I left her with her dad while I had a shower then it's no surprise. Her auntie and uncle visited last week and I left her in the living room with them while I made them a drink. I forced myself not to go in and check on her and it was tough but I managed. They rarely see her so it's not like she knows them.

OP posts:

MamaLazarou · 30/08/2015 11:20

Your anxiety is not your fault and it doesn't make you a bad parent. It may be hard to admit to, but it is treatable and can be fixed. Take it easy on yourself, OK?

Aridane · 30/08/2015 11:32

Sweetie - it's not PFB - you're not well. Please get help.

BTW - your neighbours sound lovely

BocaDeTrucha · 30/08/2015 12:26

I would have let ds go at that age but thinking back, ds would most likely have been screaming the place down as soon as I gave him to someone he didn't know. That was when his separation anxiety kicked in!!!!

Original poster

koalabearsears · 30/08/2015 12:44

Yeah she doesn't seem to have separation anxiety. She's a bit wary for the first few minutes but then she's all smiles. I'm the only one who gets anxious!

OP posts:

ladygracie · 30/08/2015 12:56

Family friend taking the baby to see something for a few minutes elsewhere in the house/garden? Wouldn't be an issue at all for me.
This for me. Honestly it wouldn't have been a problem at all.
I really hope you manage to get some help soon

AnotherTimeMaybe · 30/08/2015 14:52

AnotherTime, do you mean leave with as in babysitting or letting him take her outside?
Both. I've explained my history so you must understand why I at least would never leave both DCs alone with anyone. Bear in mind what happened to me was from someone DM had full trust in - till this day she doesn't know as it would kill her
So not having full trust in anyone has nothing to do with the way you reacted and the panic you went through
For me you are right in not leaving her alone with neighbour again - there is abuse happening out there, I'm not going to tell you there isn't, so you must be careful
But you should also be careful about the way you're handling this.. I would love it if DM was more cautious so that she could protect me better, but I'd hate it if she was a hot mess, a nervous wreck in the process of doing it so, and id probably end up with serious confidence issues
So do take care of yourself and don't go overboard

Original poster

koalabearsears · 30/08/2015 16:21

Well, just been to visit my dad with DD. We were sat in the garden and I could clearly see next door neighbour's garden and garage which was open as usual. I even bumped into 'Sue' and she gave DD a kiss on the cheek and she was talking about what a lovely time they had the other day.

I feel so much better about it after seeing their house which I know sounds bizarre but in my mind it seemed like I was a LOT further away from DD when in reality it was like she was in the next room. Nothing in the garage to be concerned about apart from old furniture and a freezer and I gave it a thorough check from my dad's bathroom window!

I know I have to be careful who I trust and that abuse does happen but DD was completely safe and I've been very silly to get so worried. They are a lovely couple and just wanted to enjoy time with DD like a lot of family and friends do.

Definitely going to see the GP on Tuesday.

OP posts:

AnotherTimeMaybe · 30/08/2015 16:23

Well done mum!

Original poster

koalabearsears · 30/08/2015 16:29

AnotherTime I do completely understand, and I think you're so brave. I assumed your mum knew.

Valuable lesson learned I think. I just need to get the balance right.

OP posts:

BocaDeTrucha · 30/08/2015 17:44

Koala, sounds like you're having a more positive day today. That's great. It's bloody hard work, this parenting lark, isn't it!! But your dd sounds like a happy little girl so you're clearly doing something right!!!

AnotherTimeMaybe · 30/08/2015 18:13

koalabearsears thanks lovely and good luck, you're doing great!

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