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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pfb? 11 month old

120 replies

koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 17:21

I've just been to visit my old next door neighbours - I'll call them John and Sue for the purpose of this thread! They're a lovely couple in their 60s and I've known them since I was 10/11, they still live next to my dad. Sue has met DD (11 months) before but John hasn't so I thought I'd take her round for the first time.

They have 4 grandaughters, all grown up now and I remember how much John used to love taking care of them, going on walks with them in their pushchairs etc. So he was very excited to meet DD and immediately wanted to play with her and hold her etc. DD is a bit wary of people at first but soon warmed to him.

While me and Sue were talking in the living room, John took DD out into the back garden to show her the birds. I could still see her from a distance but I didn't feel very comfortable about it. I have anxiety and start to feel a bit panicky when she goes out of sight with people other than her dad and grandad etc. They soon returned and I relaxed a little.

After a while he wanted to show her his garage because he had toys in there from when their grandkids were small. So off he went with her, again returning within a few minutes but this time she was out of sight. I tried telling myself I was being silly - I've known them since I was little and know they're good people but I still worried. DD was fine and happy she had toys to play with.

Later on in the visit DD was standing up holding onto something and lost her balance, smacking her head on a cabinet door on the way down Sad she cried for a couple of minutes and has a red mark but she seems ok now.

I've since returned home and noticed a huge red scratch down her arm, and another one on her chin and I can't help but worry that she hurt herself when he took her outside. He's lovely and means well but he's not looked after babies for a long time so has forgotten how much you have to keep an eye on them. For example, he came back with her clutching a bag of lego, a small piece of which just about to go in DD's mouth!

Am I being PFB/crazy or do I have reason to worry?

Btw the bump incident wasn't anyone's fault.

OP posts:
PegsPigs · 29/08/2015 08:47

I would say the issue isn't being more assertive so he didn't take your baby but being more realistic about the risk if she's out of your sight. Are there 'safe' ways you could do this like her dad taking her for a few hours on her own more regularly? Then building up to other safe people like your dad while you're in the house but not in sight? Then to this couple while you're next door with your dad? I think little tiny incremental safe steps might help you feel comfortable that she can be safe with other people than you. At 10 months my DD had to go to the childminder's 3 days a week. It was hard but I built up to it over a number of months.

Original poster
koalabearsears · 29/08/2015 09:24

Thank you Birds but that made me feel ten times worse! I should have kept her close by Sad

OP posts:
hibbleddible · 29/08/2015 09:29

Op you haven't let her down.

Bumps and scrapes are all part of growing up.

You do need treatment for your anxiety by the sounds of it.

I'm glad you are going to see your gp Flowers

Your neighbours sound like lovely people.

Original poster
koalabearsears · 29/08/2015 09:44

It was a mistake, and it won't be happening again. I should have taken her off of him and kept her safe.

OP posts:
AnotherTimeMaybe · 29/08/2015 09:48

Learn to live with what? Him taking her outside or people being with her in general? Sorry, my brain's frazzled after all the anxiety over this. I'm exhausted!
No, I meant you might need to learn to live with the fact that you're overprotecting her (I wouldn't personally call it that tbh, for me it's normal ). So what I said is don't go against what you are feeling just manage it better by ensuring she's with people you absolutely trust 100% all the time and who can do a good job of it too.. So don't change who you are just control the environment she's in...(that's what I do).. Does this name sense?

Original poster
koalabearsears · 29/08/2015 09:53

Yeah that does make sense. I just feel sick with regret now though that I let him take her outside. It's the first time I've ever let anything like that happen. I'm an idiot. I wasn't ready

OP posts:
laffymeal · 29/08/2015 09:56

Just had a look at your post history op and I think you are very unwell. You don't have much support and are terribly hard on yourself. I don't think posting on here is the best thing with your current mindset. Go back to your GP and be very honest with them, if CBT and counselling haven't worked perhaps medication would. I have been in your shoes and know how horrendous it is but I did get better and hopefully so will you. Good luck.

Original poster
koalabearsears · 29/08/2015 10:47

I am unwell. I just don't realise how much until something like this happens.

I've been so so careful in protecting her since she was born and this is my first mistake. It's a big one though.

OP posts:
BocaDeTrucha · 29/08/2015 12:50

Koala, it's really not a big one. A big one would have been letting some 15 year old babysit for hours or letting dd play out in the garden unsupervised. I'll repeat that you just did what every other mum would have done in the same situation.

I can't imagine how you're feeling as I've never experienced it. DS (23 mo) is currently thousands of miles away from me with dh at his grannies house for 9 days. He's with people who love him just as much as I do and have more experience at childcare than I'll ever have in my lifetime. But I'm using the rational part of my brain. When we see things irrationally, all the voices in the world telling you you didn't do anything wrong are not going to make any difference.

Try to get back the mentality you had when you woke up this morning and put it in perspective. Like you said, go see your gp on Monday and let them help you start to enjoy being a mummy rather than worrying. This time does fly by so you need to enjoy every second, even if those seconds are with dd being with someone else.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 29/08/2015 12:52

It's not a big one because nothing happened!
See in as an opportunity to learn (especially as this is pfb) and not an opportunity to beat yourself up
You are doing great at protecting her already! I wish my DM was like you!

Original poster
koalabearsears · 29/08/2015 22:06

My OCD has been in full swing. It's tried telling me that he's a paedophile, that he gave her dangerous objects to play with such as petrol cans/garden tools, or that he put her down on the floor while he looked for toys. After all, he was only a neighbour, not a relative or a close friend etc. And my baby was outside with him Sad I wish to god that I'd ran outside and took her back or stopped him taking her in the first place.

OP posts:
laffymeal · 29/08/2015 22:12

Stop posting on here. You're twisting all the responses arse for tit, get help, you seriously need it.

laffymeal · 29/08/2015 22:14

....and before anyone tells me how bitchy and vile I am, that's for the OPs own good. I've been there.

Bellebella · 29/08/2015 22:19

Go to your gp asap, you are seriously unwell and will end up doing your DD more harm than good.

Your dd was under no risk with your dad's neighbour. You have known him many years and he was showing her some toys. The scratches are really normal for a young child.

Get some help.

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/08/2015 22:26

Please please get some help. it is all in your head and what happened with the scratches and bump is normal fir a child who's cruising and getting more mobile.any mention if the word paedophile to anyone is going to have people thinking all sorts about an innocent man.

make an appointment first thing Monday morning. Flowers

Slammerkins · 29/08/2015 22:32

You seem to have a good understanding of what your anxiety and OCDare telling you and that it's not rational.

Go to your GP asap and tell them how you are thinking, that you know it's not right and that you would like some help.

Original poster
koalabearsears · 29/08/2015 22:37

I know I need help but can't do anything until after the weekend, and it's just my luck that this is a bank holiday.

I can see that I'm being irrational but not enough to be able to tell the anxiety to fuck off like I usually can.

My 'rule' to never let DD out of sight with anyone other than close family/friends had been broken and it feels awful.

OP posts:
Slammerkins · 29/08/2015 22:42

Ok, so for this long weekend you don't have to break the Rule that your anxiety is telling you is essential.
Your DD is safe. Work on minimising the impact of the incident this weekend however best for you, then write it down in simple terms and hand it to your GPas soon as you can get an appt next week.

Original poster
koalabearsears · 29/08/2015 22:50

I know, it's awful that I'm thinking these things when I know he's an innocent man. I enjoyed watching her with him when she was sat with him and they were doing round and round the garden and playing with toys etc. I was surprised to see how good he was with her and 'Sue' said how much he loves babies and was 'in his element' - this was all great until he took her outside. I hope I look back at this one day and see how ridiculous it was like I have done with other things in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
koalabearsears · 29/08/2015 22:55

I suppose I don't understand why he wanted to take her outside instead of leaving her with me and Sue and bringing the toys back.

OP posts:
Slammerkins · 29/08/2015 23:02

Because he wanted to leave you and Sue to chat. They have known you since you were 11, he feels comfortable with Littlies as he is a grandparent and he thought it would be nice to take her in a nice tidy garage to look at some toys.

You know this, lovey, try not to let it take over for the next couple of days and book in with your GP Flowers

Original poster
koalabearsears · 29/08/2015 23:08

His words were - shall we go and have a look at what toys we can find in our clean garage? I think he said clean in case he worried that I thought it might not be. I've seen it before though so I know it is tidy at least.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 29/08/2015 23:10

Oh sweetie it was really no different to what anyone else would have done taken her to see the flowers or the guinea pigs or to look at the Apple tree or the sheep in the field at the back of the garden or tomatoes growing in the green house

there was nothing odd about his behaviour at all and I think. you know this became your trying so hard to think. Of a reason why it was strange so maybe your feelings don't seem so odd.

I really hope you make that call Tuesday x CakeFlowers really, it's nothing to he ashamed of and the drs are there to help you.

Original poster
koalabearsears · 30/08/2015 07:11

I suppose you're right Giles, the rational part of my brain is working slightly but I still have a racing heart and foggy brain thinking about her being away from me, even if it was in the same house. I hope I can get past this soon.

Is it true that no other mum would think twice about this?

OP posts:
mabythesea · 30/08/2015 08:14

Family friend taking the baby to see something for a few minutes elsewhere in the house/garden? Wouldn't be an issue at all for me.

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