Pfb? 11 month old

[koalabearsears]

I've just been to visit my old next door neighbours - I'll call them John and Sue for the purpose of this thread! They're a lovely couple in their 60s and I've known them since I was 10/11, they still live next to my dad. Sue has met DD (11 months) before but John hasn't so I thought I'd take her round for the first time.

They have 4 grandaughters, all grown up now and I remember how much John used to love taking care of them, going on walks with them in their pushchairs etc. So he was very excited to meet DD and immediately wanted to play with her and hold her etc. DD is a bit wary of people at first but soon warmed to him.

While me and Sue were talking in the living room, John took DD out into the back garden to show her the birds. I could still see her from a distance but I didn't feel very comfortable about it. I have anxiety and start to feel a bit panicky when she goes out of sight with people other than her dad and grandad etc. They soon returned and I relaxed a little.

After a while he wanted to show her his garage because he had toys in there from when their grandkids were small. So off he went with her, again returning within a few minutes but this time she was out of sight. I tried telling myself I was being silly - I've known them since I was little and know they're good people but I still worried. DD was fine and happy she had toys to play with.

Later on in the visit DD was standing up holding onto something and lost her balance, smacking her head on a cabinet door on the way down she cried for a couple of minutes and has a red mark but she seems ok now.

I've since returned home and noticed a huge red scratch down her arm, and another one on her chin and I can't help but worry that she hurt herself when he took her outside. He's lovely and means well but he's not looked after babies for a long time so has forgotten how much you have to keep an eye on them. For example, he came back with her clutching a bag of lego, a small piece of which just about to go in DD's mouth!

Am I being PFB/crazy or do I have reason to worry?

Btw the bump incident wasn't anyone's fault.

[BocaDeTrucha]

op, can you leave your dd for short periods initially with either your mum or dad?

You mustn't think you've let her down in any way. But like others have said, you're actually not helping her at all by being so anxious about letting her out of your sight with others.

[koalabearsears]

I've had CBT but it didn't work for me. I think I need medication.

My mum died which is why I'm an anxious wreck. If she was here then everything would be ok. I hate myself because I was having such a good week before this. I felt like I was really bonding with DD even more than I already had. I love her so much.

[coconutpie]

OP, deep breath. For what it's worth, I don't think you're being PFB. You are suffering from anxiety though and you need to get a little bit of help with that. Seeing a counsellor would be of huge benefit in order to manage the anxiety.

For now, if you're not comfortable with your baby being out of your sight with people other than your DH or GPs, then that's fine. No point putting yourself in a situation again like today where you felt uneasy. Seek some help for the anxiety though, it will really help starting with small steps.

[Devilishpyjamas]

Maybe meds along with some talking therapy of some sort? It sounds as if you have had a lot to deal with. Meds for anxiety are hard to get right ime (not me, but my eldest son has had a terrible time with anxiety & meds have provided some relief but have not been a long term fix). Please talk to your doctor about options. CBT doesn't work for everyone, but there are lots of other schools of counselling (& meds) that can be tried.

[koalabearsears]

coconut I'd rather hear I was being pfb to be honest. At least I won't feel so careless then.

I'm mad at myself for not being assertive.

[BocaDeTrucha]

You weren't being at all careless, op. Not in the least. You just did what every other mum would have done.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. I can see why you feel so anxious in this case. Please take on board what the others are saying about seeing a doctor and let others in to help you.

[SargeantAngua]

Can you try turning your thinking around in your head? It's something I try for my OCD - something happens and I think "aaarrghhh I touched that, everything will get dirty etc" and the panic starts. I then try to force myself to physically smile and change the thought to "yes, I did touch that, and nothing has happened and that's a step towards normal"

So can you try and think "I'm a good Mum, I did let her out of my sight, in a sensible way, nothing bad happened and it was good for her and good for me"? Because looking at it objectively that is what happened. Your good sensible mother's instinct said she would be safe with him and she was.

[Binglesplodge]

Koala,

You haven't let your daughter down. You weren't careless. You didn't expose her to risk or danger. Please chat to your gp or health visitor about your anxiety: I guarantee they've seen it hundreds of times before but you deserve to feel a lot more relaxed and happier than you do. You're doing an amazing job.

[coconutpie]

You're doing an amazing job and you were not careless. Not at all. Please don't think you let your baby down. You did not.

[koalabearsears]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all of your replies but I think I need to sign off MN for a while and come back when I'm feeling more healthy and rational. This really has gone from bad to worse in my mind to the point where I can't cope. I've not given my anxiety this much attention in a long time and it's clearly thriving on it.

Hopefully I can look back on this and wonder why I was so worked up about it.

[BlinkAndMiss]

Oh OP, I hope you're ok. OCD aside, the first everythings with your first baby are always a massive deal. It's hard, and reactions are not always rational but as time goes on you learn to manage it. I haven't got OCD or anxiety problems but I still feel anxious about DS1 being out of my sight and that's ok, it just means it's a situation I'm not comfortable with, but the important thing is that I manage those feelings rather than allowing them to become all consuming.

Yes you do sound PFB, but that's ok! Please stop focusing on how you shouldn't be feeling like this, just go with it and eventually you'll find your confidence.

FWiW I still cry all the way home when I leave DS with my parents for an overnight stay and he's almost 3. My first reaction is panic when it concerns him, but it does get easier to manage - those feelings can be pushed to oneside and addressed when I feel better about them.

[DaddyPigIsMyParentingGuru]

koala don't leave, stay and believe me you will get a lot of support here

[koalabearsears]

I'm feeling more rational today. I definitely let things get too much for me as the evening went on yesterday, especially when I put DD to bed and I was on my own left with my thoughts.

I know I need to be more comfortable if people are holding her and they don't stay within my view but I'm certainly not ready just yet.

I'm trying to banish the irrational thoughts of what might have happened when she was out of my sight but I'm sure I would have known if I'd had anything to worry about. He meant well and had no idea about my anxiety. I do wish I'd spoken up for myself though.

Like someone mentioned, most babies have been left in some form of child care by the age of 11 months whether that be grandparents, other relatives or CMs etc. someone I've known for 15 years taking her within earshot of me even though out of sight is NOT a big deal. It's probably very normal.

I'm going to chalk it down to another one of those 'firsts' and learn from it. DD does need to get used to being with others and I'm almost certain she was perfectly happy (maybe still wary BUT comfortable) in his company and probably excited about going to the garden and his shed for more exploration.

I need to trust people and not listen to my OCD when it tells me someone or something will hurt her or upset her. We all have to put our trust in people in a very big way when we have children but some handle it better than others to say the least.

I'm going to see my GP next week.

[koalabearsears]

Also, last night I remembered a time when I lived in Australia and my ex and I took his brother's 7 month old DD to a carnival type thing as her mum had to work. We had so many texts and missed calls asking us to bring her back. I thought she was acting bonkers. Now I realise she was just not that comfortable with someone she had only just met (me) looking after her baby.

[53Dragon]

You're definitely being pfb but don't worry it will wear off eventually - after about 16 years in my case!!
By the way, that first post from laffymeal was vile - you've come on here looking for sensible advice and a nasty bitchy comment was uncalled for.

[mandala1fromTES]

You did some rather good things yesterday. You allowed your daughter to have some new experiences, and you probably made an old couple's day. That is wonderful!

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

Fwiw YANBU , I think you should definitely not listen to your OCD and you should be able to leave her alone with people you trust 100%
This doesn't mean necessarily someone you know a lot but possibly more that just 1 person like a nursery setting
I believe you should trust your instinct just make sure you are not overwhelmed by your feelings

[koalabearsears]

Thanks.

My OCD has tried telling me that he hurt her but I know that's ridiculous. She was safe and wasn't even away from me for 5 minutes but it seemed much longer in my mind.

Next time I'm going to be assertive though.

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

Tbh I have the same problem, I had it pretty bad with Ds1 but it's a bit better now
I do know though the reason behind it and it's because someone in my close family tried to sexually abuse me when I was very young around 8! I'm almost 40 and till this day I can't get the specific scene out of my mind hence I've never left my children alone with just one person- not even grandad!
So I absolutely understand where you are coming from and if your instinct tells you something you should go for it just make sure you don't go mad. A controlled setting with many carers is the best setting for mums like us
Take care, you're a fabulous mum

[koalabearsears]

Sorry that happened to you, I can't imagine what you've been through. It's as though something happened in my past too but OCD is evil in that way. It's made me realise that I'm not ready to leave her with anyone other than her dad at least. I used to panic when he'd take her down another aisle in the supermarker without me though so you can see how bad I am.

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

You are not that bad! I was probably worse!
Just accept it, you do to have to get over it, just learn to leave with it and manage it. You wouldn't want to leave your DD just with anyone anyway, so good to practice control
For your neighbour it'd be good to be there anyway as he's a bit too old and as you said he hasn't done this for a while. But nothing happened as he's probably a nice chap
So no need to loose the plot just practice common sense
Trust me been there (I'm still there, just managing it properly)
Good luck x

[koalabearsears]

Learn to live with what? Him taking her outside or people being with her in general? Sorry, my brain's frazzled after all the anxiety over this. I'm exhausted!

[purplefizz26]

In the nicest way possible you need to try to relax and allow other people to enjoy your DC or you could make life so awkward.

If she wasn't upset or fussy upon returning from the garage, she won't have hurt herself. How could she if can't walk and he was just holding her?

If she wasn't crying or shouting for you, she wasn't desperately looking for you or thinking you'd left her.

Perhaps speak to your GP about your anxiety? It really doesn't sound like 'just pfb' to me.

[Mehitabel6]

Well done for realising that it is your problem and one that you need help in overcoming. It can only improve once you admit that it is your problem.

[Birdsgottafly]

My DD has similar anxiety, she won't see the GP, so I'm giving her gentle advice around Mindfullness and making sure she enjoys her DD and the stages, it does go so quick.

""I know I need to be more comfortable if people are holding her and they don't stay within my view but I'm certainly not ready just yet.""

This is an evolutionary instinct, when a infant gets mobile and starts to eat, there would of been more danger about, so if you keep them close, you keep them safe.

If you watch zoo/wildlife programmes, it's normal for a first born gorilla to die, because the Mum allows other tribe members to handle it, before its old enough.

We don't need that instinct, as much, in the modern world, I wouldn't of been happy, unless I knew what was in the garage, you forget the age appropriateness of toys and old toys aren't necessarily safe. She may not have got the scratch when she fell.

That's In regards to my Granddaughter, now.

I did take my GD to my youngest DDs, College Enrollment and let the Tutors take her out of the room, though.

You don't have to let anyone take her out of sight and Mums are often told things like PFB, when they have the perfect right to keep their baby's safe.

When working as a CP SW, I saw a lot of eye/throat injuries, some permanent, that were accidents, but could of been prevented. These didn't tend to happen when the infant was with Mum.

Whilst you might be "overprotective", you can be, it's your right.