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Original poster

Pfb? 11 month old

120 replies

koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 17:21

I've just been to visit my old next door neighbours - I'll call them John and Sue for the purpose of this thread! They're a lovely couple in their 60s and I've known them since I was 10/11, they still live next to my dad. Sue has met DD (11 months) before but John hasn't so I thought I'd take her round for the first time.

They have 4 grandaughters, all grown up now and I remember how much John used to love taking care of them, going on walks with them in their pushchairs etc. So he was very excited to meet DD and immediately wanted to play with her and hold her etc. DD is a bit wary of people at first but soon warmed to him.

While me and Sue were talking in the living room, John took DD out into the back garden to show her the birds. I could still see her from a distance but I didn't feel very comfortable about it. I have anxiety and start to feel a bit panicky when she goes out of sight with people other than her dad and grandad etc. They soon returned and I relaxed a little.

After a while he wanted to show her his garage because he had toys in there from when their grandkids were small. So off he went with her, again returning within a few minutes but this time she was out of sight. I tried telling myself I was being silly - I've known them since I was little and know they're good people but I still worried. DD was fine and happy she had toys to play with.

Later on in the visit DD was standing up holding onto something and lost her balance, smacking her head on a cabinet door on the way down Sad she cried for a couple of minutes and has a red mark but she seems ok now.

I've since returned home and noticed a huge red scratch down her arm, and another one on her chin and I can't help but worry that she hurt herself when he took her outside. He's lovely and means well but he's not looked after babies for a long time so has forgotten how much you have to keep an eye on them. For example, he came back with her clutching a bag of lego, a small piece of which just about to go in DD's mouth!

Am I being PFB/crazy or do I have reason to worry?

Btw the bump incident wasn't anyone's fault.

OP posts:
BocaDeTrucha · 27/08/2015 19:28

I have to agree, Pfb. I'm amazed you have not let her out of your sight in 11 months, except to go to the next room when dp was holding her???????!!!!!! Do you not ever feel the need to just go for a walk or to the shopon your own or anything??? I'm not criticising, just amazed! Will you be sending her to nursery?

GinLimeandLemonade · 27/08/2015 19:32

To be fair, I'm like this with my 7 month old. I hate him being out of my sight when other people are holding him/etc. I know it's daft and pfb but I don't care Grin He has no idea and I don't outwardly show it but I do feel a bit lost without him! However, if you don't like feeling like it and it's really terrifying you you might want to try changing your thought patterns around it. Maybe CBT would help?

In answer to your OP, I don't think you have anything to worry about, he sounds lovely and it sounds like she had a nice time Smile

Original poster
koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 19:34

I have left her with her dad before and gone out for a few hours but never with anyone else. I've been trying to build up the courage and let someone other than him look after her but I haven't felt ready. The fact that I can't let someone walk into the garden/another room with her just proves that I'm not ready.

She will be going to nursery in a couple of years.

OP posts:
Original poster
koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 19:43

I think asking here has made me feel worse (nothing personal against anyone!) because before I was more concerned about her bump and this was just a side (non-issue). Now it feels like a huge issue and I feel like the worst mum ever for letting her out of my sight with someone she doesn't know.

OP posts:
FuryFowler · 27/08/2015 20:14

How weird! You're nervous of him taking her in to the garden but at the same time you're happy for them to babysit?

Is the issue because he's male? (Not in a predatory kind of way, but a usually less competent than women at looking after children).... So you're happy for them to babysit as long as she (sue) is there?

Original poster
koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 20:31

No not at all. I would have been equally as uncomfortable if Sue did it.

OP posts:
Bulbasaur · 27/08/2015 20:42

Eh, it's a rite of passage to fret over the first few cuts and scrapes. By the time she's 18 months old you'll be going "Where did THAT one come from? Oh well, time for snacks".

DD gets little cuts and scrapes all the time, it's how she learns her limits such as "walk carefully on pavement, run on grass".

Devilishpyjamas · 27/08/2015 20:42

I was going to say not PFB, sounds more like extreme anxiety/OCD - then you mentioned OCD

You need to let her out of your sight with more people - and if you can't seek treatment for your anxiety. It is good for children (especially as they grow) to have relationships with others. At the moment at 11 months, you can control much of what she does, it won't be long before you can't for your own good you need to get some sort of handle on it. Over protective parenting can be damaging - (I'm not suggesting you're overprotective when she's tiny but you will need to be able to let her start to spread her wings soon).

Devilishpyjamas · 27/08/2015 20:43

Missing comma - and if you can't, seek treatment....

Original poster
koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 21:14

Since she was born I've been actively telling myself not to let anyone (other than her dad) take her out of my sight, not even for a split second. I've now convinced myself that he could have hurt her, let her pick up dangerous objects etc

I've let her down.

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 27/08/2015 21:17

How have you let her down?

You need treatment for your anxiety. This is not PFB-ism, it is beyond 'normal' (terrible word) levels. Have you spoken to your GP?

Original poster
koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 21:26

Because it's my job to protect her and keep her safe and today I didnt

OP posts:
confusedandemployed · 27/08/2015 21:31

Blimey OP you need help. Sorry, you really do.

laffymeal · 27/08/2015 21:35

You're not reading the responses, you're not well and it's going to spiral out of control unless you address it. Your over protectiveness will do your DD far more harm than good.

Spartans · 27/08/2015 21:43

How did you not keep her safe? She was out of your eyeline for a few minutes with someone you trusted and she was not harmed.

She was safe.

Devilishpyjamas · 27/08/2015 21:45

You do sound as if you are spiralling.

You need help with your anxiety, please go & talk to your GP.

gobbynorthernbird · 27/08/2015 21:50

OP, you aren't being rational at all. Apart from anything else, this couple have managed not to kill or maim their own DC/DGC. Please go see your doctor, they'll be able to help.

Original poster
koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 21:53

I am spiralling. I know this is anxiety and I know it's irrational but that doesn't help the way I feel now. I will seek help.

I just keep looking at her and how innocent and vulnerable she looks. I shouldn't have let her out of my sight. I can't change it though so I'm going to have to learn from it and move on. The guilt is awful though.

OP posts:
FuryFowler · 27/08/2015 22:00

But she didn't injure herself
Out of your sight, she did it with you right there!..... Accidents happen to kiddies all the time whether you're holding on to them or in the next room.

Devilishpyjamas · 27/08/2015 22:01

You should have let her out of your sight. You have to start letting her out of your sight - otherwise it will become damaging to her. You need to think of 'moving on' as you becoming able to cope with letting her out of your sight.

Do visit your GP & ask for help now, before it becomes damaging for her. Anxiety is a terrible thing - it can eat up your life - you don't want your anxiety to affect your dd's life as well.

Original poster
koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 22:01

It's not the accident that bothers me. It's 100% the fact that he took her outside and I didn't know what was going on.

OP posts:
Reubs15 · 27/08/2015 22:05

Pfb. Getting that panicky if she's in the garden or whatever is unhealthy and you'll end up projecting your insecurities onto her. You need to start leaving her with other people eventually or it will get too hard for you both

BrianButterfield · 27/08/2015 22:09

Letting her out of your sight is not letting her down - many 11mo babies have been in nursery for 6+ months - their parents are not letting them down.

Original poster
koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 22:10

I've completely spiralled now. Can't find any part of my rational mind and I'm sick to my stomach.

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 27/08/2015 22:19

Have you ever tried CBT/mindfulness? It might help. If you think you're heading for a panic attack try & breathe & have a cup of tea/chamomile. If you have rescue remedy or kalms a lot of people recommend those. M

Maybe turn off mumsnet & go & distract yourself with something else (trashy tv?)

But please do talk to your GP. There are things that can help anxiety.

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