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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is quite rude?

80 replies

freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 14:46

To go on about being an 'old' mum, about 'only being able to have one child' and about being worried about it being unfair on said child, in front of someone your age?

Or am I taking offence where none is intended?

OP posts:
swashbucklecheer · 27/08/2015 14:47

Depends what age you are

pictish · 27/08/2015 14:48

I dunno - are you looking to start a family?

QuiteLikely5 · 27/08/2015 14:48

She was talking about herself and if no malice was intended then you are being unreasonable in receiving it that way. Waste of emotional energy.

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2015 14:49

If they're talking about themselves and how they feel, then no it's not rude.

Original poster
freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 14:49

34 :)

OP posts:
pictish · 27/08/2015 14:49

And how old are we talking about?
And was this person referring to their self or someone else being an old mum?

pictish · 27/08/2015 14:54

And not to be pedantic, but given that we are able to get pregnant from our early teens, 34 is quite old, biologically speaking, to become a mum.
I had my youngest at 34 so I feel it's ok for me to say that.

wickedlazy · 27/08/2015 14:59

When i'm 34, ds will be 15. And no way would I start all over again at that point.

34 is not old to be a first time mum, not by a long shot. At least you've been young and lived a little before you settle down. Of she was talking about herself, it wasn't rude, just how she feels.

Original poster
freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:00

Yes, but it's the insinuation that to have a child at 34 is wrong, ethically, and to have one beyond that is unthinkable which upsets me a little.

OP posts:
Original poster
freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:00

No, she's currently pregnant, at 34.

I have had weeks of:

'I just won't be able to have another.'
'I hate that I'm an older mum, it's selfish isn't it?'
'I've left it too late to enjoy it.'

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/08/2015 15:01

It's wrong for her and unthinkable for her though, and that's fine.

What other people think or do for themselves, shouldn't affect or upset you.

Why does it?

Original poster
freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:02

Because I am the same age, and it isn't very nice repeatedly hearing that I am too old to have a baby and selfish if I do.

OP posts:
Spartans · 27/08/2015 15:03

But that's her opinion and her feelings. Are you saying she shouldn't voice her worries to a friend?

I wouldnt take it personally. She may feel it's too old to be a mum. That's her right to think that. You don't have to agree. If I were you I would comfort her while tellingbher I didn't agree that's it's selfish or too old.

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2015 15:03

She didn't say you're too old to have a baby or selfish if you do though.

She was talking about her. She was the subject of the conversation.

Original poster
freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:04

It's the way it's worded, I think, as if it is an established fact rather than 'I feel that ...'

OP posts:
tokyobananas · 27/08/2015 15:05

er I'm starting at 34 at the earliest, and never really considered doing it much earlier - I come from a 3 generation history of mid thirties first time mums, maybe that's why. MN is genuinely the first place aside from newspaper scare stories that I've heard of early/mid 30s being 'old' to start breeding.

You should introduce your mate to me, OP, I feel a bit sad for her. But maybe it's just what she knows - if she comes from a line of early 20s breeders then she probably does feel old!

Original poster
freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:05

Worra - she didn't say 'I feel too old to have a baby at 34 and I feel selfish' though.

She said '34 is just too old and it's selfish to have a baby at this age.'

How else am I supposed to feel?

Of course, I presume she thinks I am past it and so I don't care and it doesn't hurt me, but actually, it does.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/08/2015 15:05

It's like when a fat person says they want to lose weight, and a slightly fatter person starts saying, "OMG if she thinks she's fat, what does she think of me? She must think I'm enormous!!"

Errr no. She's talking about herself and her own body, not yours Confused

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 27/08/2015 15:05

If the person speaking is speaking for themselves then they are entitled to feel that way for them, it doesn't mean that another person of that age is too old or selfish or any of those things.

Original poster
freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:06

No, it isn't worra.

It isn't at all.

Because you can control your weight, usually and to a certain extent. I can't rewind time and go back a few years to make myself an unselfish mum aged 28.

OP posts:
Spartans · 27/08/2015 15:06

I know lots of people who think it's unthinkable to have a child a twenty or to have an age gap between kids of more than a couple of years.

I had my first and twenty and have a much bigger age gap.

I know people who told me I was mad for getting married at 20. Didn't bother me. Still married to the same man in my mid thirties.

Why has this hit a raw nerve for you op? Genuine question not having a go.

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2015 15:07

X posted

Then I think you need to toughen up OP.

People are allowed to voice their feelings without them being the same as everyone else's.

Original poster
freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:07

Ok, put it another way then worra, although actually I don't know why I'm being drawn into this.

Someone says 'gosh, I'm a size 14 now, I feel huge!' - fine.

Someone says to a size 14 friend, 'look, size 14, isn't that huge and disgusting?'

The first isn't rude because it's specific. The second is because it's general.

My friend is talking in general terms with seemingly no thought to her audience.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 27/08/2015 15:08

Ah well, she's wrong anyway so just ignore her.

Original poster
freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:10

Spartans - loads of reasons.

Because by saying it to me (also 34) it's as if the attitude is 'I don't care. She won't have a baby anyway, so it's not as if my saying this to her will hurt her.'

Because my mum was past 34 when she had me (and she does know this) so it's quite insulting to my own mum.

Because if I do have a baby my friend will think I'm selfish and past it.

OP posts: