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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is quite rude?

80 replies

freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 14:46

To go on about being an 'old' mum, about 'only being able to have one child' and about being worried about it being unfair on said child, in front of someone your age?

Or am I taking offence where none is intended?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2015 15:10

I still don't agree OP and I do think you need to develop a thicker skin.

So she think older mothers are selfish. She's entitled to think that and you're entitled to think she's wrong.

Unless you secretly think she's right and that's why you're upset maybe?

Hygge · 27/08/2015 15:10

I was 34 when I had DS.

He's six now and an 'only' child, because before we had him we had two babies who both died, one because of unexplained stillbirth and the other as she was born prematurely following a RTA.

I do feel upset sometimes that DS is an 'only' but the issues we have regarding pregnancy are nothing to do with my age. I am one of the older mums at school but not the only older mum or even the oldest older mum.

What you do is your business, but I would find your friend quite draining if she kept talking that way to me.

It's clearly an issue that's bothering her, but it's her issue. It doesn't have to be yours.

It's not selfish to start a family at 34 or older, I have plenty of time and energy for DS and although he doesn't have siblings I work hard to make sure he has plenty of friends and gets to spent time with those friends through the holidays.

She's just one person, and it sound like she's voicing her insecurities rather than her opinions. Try not to let her get to you and perhaps try to change the subject if she keeps bringing it up.

Original poster

freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:11

No, because I think it's rude.

I might think she looks a fright some mornings - it doesn't mean I'm entitled to voice that.

OP posts:

Spartans · 27/08/2015 15:11

Ok, op, you think she is being rude.

But why does it impact you at all? Do you feel deep down she is right?

Your reproductive choices have nothing to do with her opinion. People can have and voice different opinions. It does not mean that you have to live your life by them or agree.

Original poster

freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:11

It is draining. Someone saying something once I could shrug off as maybe a moment of tactlessness but to keep on implies who I am doesn't matter, isn't important.

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/08/2015 15:11

Just say, "Well speak for yourself love; personally I feel I'm in my prime."

I would also be tempted to get into lots of faux sympathetic stuff about it being a real shame she has an old before her time mentality. But that's just me being a bit of a bitch.

Original poster

freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:12

No, I know that Spartans, I don't think she's right at all. I strongly disagree in fact.

But I do think, to repeatedly say to a childless 34 year old woman who is the daughter of someone who had her at 37, that anyone over the age of 30 who gets pregnant is selfish, is rude.

OP posts:

Spartans · 27/08/2015 15:14

My nana was 42 when she had my auntie. My auntie thinks people shouldn't have kids when they are older because of her experiences. She is no way insulting her mum, my nana.

Obviously she is grateful to have been born, but she still has her opinions on it.

Original poster

freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:15

Opinions are fine, but there's a time and place for repeatedly voicing those opinions and I presume your aunt doesn't repeatedly inform your grandmother how selfish she is.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2015 15:16

But why don't you just say, "Oh loads of people are having babies older than this! It's not selfish at all to have a baby when you're ready for it."

Spartans · 27/08/2015 15:16

That's obviously your opinion and you think it's reasonable.

I don't agree and think Yabu. As I have stated I know many people who thought my life choices were wrong and would end in disaster and I didnt mind them saying it. It didn't impact me or my decisions at all.

Original poster

freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:17

I have imperial - over and over.

I have said 'oh, thanks, so looks like I won't be having a baby then!'
I have said 'oh great, so I shouldn't have been born then!'

Falls on deaf ears.

It impacts me not because of the opinion so much but because of the disregard for me and the lack of consideration in thinking this might be an opinion that is painful for me to hear.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 27/08/2015 15:18

If she's saying it repeatedly and deadly-seriously, then I would assume she was struggling with ante-natal anxiety rather than trying to get a dig in.

I'm 34, with a one-year-old. Most of my friends have young babies, or are just thinking of starting TTC their PFBs. It's not particularly old at all out in the "real world"- which is why I'd imagine she was struggling with irrational thoughts.

Original poster

freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:20

She was saying it before she got pregnant saucy.

No, I don't think she's having a dig. In a way, that's what's hurtful. It's as if I am so unimportant that there's not even a minutes consideration given to the fact I might be hurt by her point of view.

As I've said, said once or twice I could put down to a moments thoughtlessness but repeatedly it's getting really tiresome and as someone said, draining. Not the opinion so much but the fact she supposedly thinks so little of me as to stop and think 'actually this might hurt my friends feelings.'

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2015 15:20

When she says 'selfish', what does she actually mean by it?

Is she talking about the increased health risks to herself and her unborn baby, or is she looking at it from another POV?

ImperialBlether · 27/08/2015 15:22

What would happen if you said, "Well, most people wouldn't agree with you there - just look at (and name a few celebs who had children in their 30s)" and then say "you sound awfully unhappy about being pregnant. Are you sure you're alright?"

Is this a woman you work with? If so, I'd always find something to do at that point.

thewarrentotheg · 27/08/2015 15:26

I'm 34 and pregnant right now. In all honesty it's pretty average, socially speaking. You're slightly older than average in medical terms but NHS still doesn't consider you an "older mum" until 35.

More to the point, it is completely cultural how people perceive it age-wise. So it really depends where you're from. My stepmum where I'm from (pit village up north) thinks it's old (although she had an IVF baby at 51 herself), whereas my London friends have mostly not started having kids yet so it seems like I'm "settling down" pretty young to them. I know plenty of people my age and older who still have a second job in a pub or who go out raving at the weekend and who wouldn't consider settling down until their late 30s. Our culture extends middle youth a bit longer these days - especially in cities. I'm also on the younger side of average for my hospital.

Spartans · 27/08/2015 15:27

I honestly think she is struggling herself and isnt even thinking it may impact you. Which sounds selfish, but the fact that she keeps saying suggests she feels anxious about it and maybe could do with some support and reassurance.

If she was saying it before and still did it anyway, she either doesn't really believe it but feels anxious about it or she is scared that it's true and she is being selfish.

Could there be someone ahe knows who keeps putting this in her head or has told its selfish to have a child at this age.

BeeC22 · 27/08/2015 15:29

What do you actually say to her in response? She might be trying to just subtly get some reassurance from you that actually it's not selfish and yea she is doing the right thing.

Lweji · 27/08/2015 15:29

I think it looks more like she needs reassurance from you.

Niloufes · 27/08/2015 15:29

I have friend who is like this. Always talking about herself with no thought to how others might take the comments. It is rude. You are not being unreasonable.

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2015 15:30

I agree she sounds anxious about it, especially as the OP doesn't think she's having a dig.

Could you perhaps help her to do some research that might put her mind at rest a bit?

BrockAuLit · 27/08/2015 15:34

I don't think it's rude. That suggests she is aiming her comments at you, with a view to offending you, or at least not caring if she offends you.

At worst, I think it's insensitive to say such things when you are her audience.

Ultimately, it sounds like you don't know each other very well, and that actually you don't like her very much. Perhaps you'd be better off parting ways?

Original poster

freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 15:49

I've known her since we were eleven and I like her very much, which is why her lack of consideration is quite distressing.

Believe me, I've reassured, I've pointed out that many happy healthy babies are born to older mothers and have given myself as a case in point.

I like her, but this issue is upsetting me.

OP posts:

Seriouslyffs · 27/08/2015 15:56

Actually thinking about it- the fact that you're her audience- yes it's rude. Notintheslightest DSIL is a master at this explaining in great detail the minutiae of how she did something we do all the time, slating our dcs schools as not good enough hers etc. I used to think it was because we dont register on her utterly warped radar but after a recent and quite epic outburst I now suspect malevolence. I'd keep your distance OP. Or affect amused disdain.

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