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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is quite rude?

80 replies

freethecagedhens · 27/08/2015 14:46

To go on about being an 'old' mum, about 'only being able to have one child' and about being worried about it being unfair on said child, in front of someone your age?

Or am I taking offence where none is intended?

OP posts:
LumelaMme · 27/08/2015 16:30

Your friend is entitled to her opinions, but she sounds like (at best) an insensitive tit or (at worst) a bit of a vindictive bitch. Either avoid her, or sit her down and explain that she's winding you up, or apply skin-thickening cream.

Lweji · 27/08/2015 16:41

If she is anxious about it, sometimes it's not possible to give reassurances. And if she does have anxiety about it, it may override her thinking that you are in the same boat.

It may be useful to point out that as much as you have sympathy for her and how she perceives her situation, that you aren't even pregnant and are starting to be affected by her anxiety about it. And could she possibly talk about these issues with someone else?
I think it's possible to do it nicely, and if she is a friend, then she should respect it.

wafflyversatile · 27/08/2015 16:41

She's talking about her and her opinions. You don't have to have the same opinions. She sounds a bit ignorant to think 34 is old or not to have noticed that lots of women have babies after that.

I'm sure it's annoying to hear her repeat nonsense, especially if it so happens to be a bit of a sore point for you.

She's your friend. Either nod and smile and change the subject or tell her that it is upsetting you.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 27/08/2015 16:46

I do think it's rude, but probably thinkingly so.

However, 34 is quite old, biologically speaking, to become a mum.
I had my youngest at 34 so I feel it's ok for me to say that. is ruder.

If you had your youngest at 34, it'd come across as really pointed to claim it's an old age to become a mum - you're saying you became one earlier and stopped then, aren't you?

JeanneDeMontbaston · 27/08/2015 16:46

*unthinkingly so. Gah.

whatlifestylechoice · 27/08/2015 16:53

It's rude. I think you should point out to her how rude and hurtful she is being, OP.

34 is not old, in my experience. It's just about average. But then, I don't know anyone who planned to have children in their twenties.

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2015 17:09

Jeanne I don't see how Pictish was being rude there?

She's pointing out that biologically speaking it is old and that's true. 'Older' mothers are in the 35+ age bracket according to the NHS.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 27/08/2015 17:23

worra, she was saying it's ok for her to say 34 is old for someone to 'become' a mother, and it's ok for her to say that because she became a mother younger than that.

The NHS defining older mothers is a bit beside the point - not only because they start at 35, but also because they are using it as a medical category.

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2015 17:28

It's not rude to point something out from a biological POV though, surely? Especially on a chat forum, when we're chatting about older mothers.

JustOneMinuteAtATime · 27/08/2015 17:31

Are you particularly sensitive to children at the moment, OP? Are you feeling that time is running out, or you'd like to be pregnant, or just being generally broody?

I think otherwise, you'd be able to shrug this off. It's clearly her opinion, she doesn't need to state that it's how she feels - it's obvious.

Just shut the conversation down when she does it. Say something like "Speak for yourself!" and move it on to something else. She'll get the point, eventually. If you can't do that, stop seeing her as much, or ask if you can avoid that topic of conversation.

She's clearly feeling a little vulnerable about her age, and she probably thinks that she's pre-empting other people's opinions on her being pregnant for the first time at 34. If she's your friend, she's unlikely to be trying to offend you or your mum. 99% of the time, people are only thinking about themselves.

nokidshere · 27/08/2015 17:31

Bloodyhell Shock I had my first at 39 - I must have been very very old!!

People saying stuff like that shouldn't bother you - especially since you know it's crap - why does it?

Soveryupset · 27/08/2015 17:42

I never thought 34 would be "old" to have a baby! My brother and his partner are trying for their first baby and she is 44! It's never even crossed their mind this is "too old", can't believe someone 10 years younger would feel that way....it's actually quite sad to feel so old in your early 30s.....

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2015 17:49

I'm not sure it's about feeling old. I think it's more to do with the increased risks?

Mind you, the OP hasn't said what her friend meant by selfish.

springbabydays · 27/08/2015 17:52

The comments you've said back to her sound very defensive OP.

If it were me I'd tell her that I respectfully disagree and leave it at that.

If she keeps going on about it then I'd make some space between you.

Hygge · 27/08/2015 18:00

The way you are replying OP, she's not getting your message from that, or she's choosing to ignore it.

You might need to use a more direct way to reply to her, even if it's something as blunt as "look you clearly have an issue with this but I don't agree. You are upsetting me and I want you to stop saying these things to me."

sugar21 · 27/08/2015 18:11

People vary and have their own ideas. I had my first at 18 and am going to be a grandma at the ripe old age of 34. So to me, and I am probably the exception 34 is old. As I said I am the exception as I know most women wait until their 30's and that's fine.
Don't think it matters so long as people are able to conceive when they want.
If I have another child (if I meet a nice man). I would probably be at least 40.

MyIronLung · 27/08/2015 18:46

I had my first at 18 and my second at 34. I'm now 38 and would love another if it was possible. No way is 34 'old' or 'selfish'.

LobsterQuadrille · 27/08/2015 19:07

OP, you asked "Or am I taking offence where none is intended?" - plenty of people have said that none is intended but you appear to be refusing to accept that. Any question, by definition, can have more than one answer.

I think that the term "gravida" is used for any pregnant woman of 35 and over, and where I had DD (overseas) additional tests were given to this group. Your friend is not intentionally being hurtful - this is her view, expressed about herself. My best friend had her first child at 44 and is a patient, wise and remarkable mother. You have masses of time.

Wearyheadedlady · 27/08/2015 19:10

Its thoughtless which feels rude.

My SIL who is 1 year younger than me but had all her kids in her 20s said to me when I was having my first at 37

"oh maybe I should have one more, as an old mum, squeeze one last child out, like some women do'"
she was lucky she was on the phone or I'd have punched her on the nose!

BocaDeTrucha · 27/08/2015 19:20

I'm sure she'd not meaning to offend you in any way, just coving her thoughts about herself but as is normal, you are taking it to heart, which you should try not to do.

Anyone who makes comments using the word "older mum" in this case, I would just ignore, that's a perfectly normal age these days to have children. Bloody he'll, I'm an ancient mum having my dc1 (and only) at 40 and I feel no upset at all being referred to as an older mum... I am, it's a fact and I'm proud of it.

I would definitely as her what she means by selfish though..... That puzzles me. How can waiting for the right person or going through year after year of ÍVF be considered selfish? Does she think being an older mum is not being such a good mum and the child will suffer in any way? I'm interested to know

lilyb84 · 27/08/2015 19:49

OP I agree you shouldn't take it personally, your friend is clearly going through some worries and insecurities about her current pregnancy. Perhaps she's being a little tactless with regards to your potential feelings or family plans but this is her issue not yours.

I have a good friend who's very anti anyone having children for a number of reasons. I'm now 19 weeks pregnant and she still says things like the planet is overpopulated, it's selfish to have children and you should be a stay at home mum to give your children a proper childhood. She states this all as fact. I'm not taking it personally Smile

liviadrusilla · 27/08/2015 19:54

She's being very tactless at best, but perhaps she does want reassurance.

fastdaytears · 27/08/2015 20:00

I'm sure she's struggling but I would be really upset in your shoes. That said, not having had a baby yet is something that's upsetting me at the moment so maybe if I was more ok in myself it wouldn't.
Doesn't matter though- she's going to say this and keep saying it most likely. You can not see her, toughen up or stop being so subtle in your comments to her. Is she quite supportive generally?

NadiaWadia · 27/08/2015 20:15

34 is a perfectly normal age to have a baby, especially these days.

Many people, unfortunately, mainly think about themselves and are oblivious to the effect their words or actions might have on others.

If she has been a good friend, can't you explain to her how what she is saying is making you feel bad?

NoMontagues · 27/08/2015 20:18

lobster "gravida" just means you're pregnant, it doesn't have anything to do with age. "Primagravida" means you're pregnant with your first DC. I have heard of over 35s having "elderly primagravida" written on their chart but that was a while ago, and it wasn't in the UK.

OP, this would annoy me. Perhaps your friend has anxiety issues, yes, but it actually sounds a bit goady to me. I have a particular acquaintance who would use this sort of technique.

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