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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not get the whole getting married thing

293 replies

Snoozebox · 27/08/2015 11:22

I know I am ignorant about the legal benefit side of things. I need advising!

Seriously, what are the advantages of getting married as opposed to just living with a partner?

I find the whole furore over the actual wedding ceremony just bizarre. I can't get my head around making a public celebration over a relationship which is mostly private. I don't get why we even need marriage in our modern society. I thought living together is commitment enough

AIBU? Someone explain to me why marriage is special, please!

OP posts:

Mehitabel6 · 29/08/2015 16:58

It is the one with fewer assets who needs the protection!

Mehitabel6 · 29/08/2015 16:59

If you have pots of money and lots of assets then you don't need it.

Mehitabel6 · 29/08/2015 17:01

However I still think you need to look into it. I know a couple of very high earners- no children and never going to have them - and they got married in a registry office with 2 witnesses in their lunch hour for financial reasons- probably to do with tax.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 29/08/2015 19:52

Immigration control is enforced in different countries by different individuals - therefore no two experiences can be exactly the same.

My DD was stopped (briefly) from leaving the U.S., when returning to the UK with her dad and four other adults from his family (whose surname she shares), until it was confirmed that I (her mother) lived in the UK, not the USA, and that she was not being removed from the U.S. against my wishes.

It can happen. It does happen. Just because it has never happened to you doesn't mean that is the only way it can ever happen.

moopymoodle · 29/08/2015 21:30

Thankyou to those who where open minded enough to recognise people experience life in different ways! Immigration can be a problem for some, it's never happened to me but it might do one day.

As for schools I'm afraid it does happen, not within the school but at the school gates! I'm personally not judgemental and the majority of my family choose not to marry, I've never questioned it as it's none of my business and to be honest I don't care anyway.

There's nothing wrong with not marrying, I wasn't suggesting everyone should be married. I was pointing out a few experiences myself and friends have had. Why can't we all express our beliefs without calling eachother liars or being dismissive?!

LilyTucker · 29/08/2015 21:45

Sorry I still don't buy it.

50% of the population rapidly becoming the maj kind of infers the general pop doesn't give a shit.

Maybe in Tunbridge Wells you might come across the 0.1 % who would be prejudiced towards unmarried parents(although I'd love to know how they'd even know) but it certainly isn't prevalent. You were inferring it was and it was a draw back to not being married. It isn't.

LilyTucker · 29/08/2015 21:47

And the vast maj of us aren't ex pats so highly unlikely to suffer problems at immigration. The inference was problems at immigration are part and parcel of being unmarried. It isn't and to infer otherwise is scaremongering.

GnomeDePlume · 29/08/2015 22:18

^PrimalLass Thu 27-Aug-15 23:38:03
No, you can't get married without having a registrar, priest/vicar, officiant there, at least. Amazing that a grown adult doesn't know that! Sending off a form, indeed.^

But why the hell not?

The point of a wedding is that it is a public declaration. It is the way in which a couple declares to the state that they are in a relationship.

Without that public declaration the state assumes that there is no relationship.

It has to be done in person because otherwise people could declare themselves to be married to people who dont want to be married to them.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 29/08/2015 22:29

lily why so closed minded? What is it about other people's experiences that threatens you so much that you have convinced yourself that they are lying rather than accept what they are saying at face-value?

BathshebaDarkstone · 29/08/2015 22:44

We haven't done the legal marriage, but we have done the wedding. We probably will do the legal marriage at some point, although we fail to see why some religions' weddings are recognised as legal in this country and ours isn't. We had a wedding to declare our love and make our commitment to each other before our gods.

PrimalLass · 29/08/2015 23:47

The point of a wedding is that it is a public declaration.

It's a bit shit if you wouldn't mind the legal protection but don't want to do the public bit though

Mehitabel6 · 30/08/2015 06:43

You don't need to confuse the wedding with marriage.
The marriage is the important bit and you can do it with no fuss at all and 2 witnesses. You don't need to have a wedding if you don't like that sort of thing.

LilyTucker · 30/08/2015 06:58

Not closed minded but simply going on what society/media/ common sense( hard to experience prejudice when you are a majority)says and my experience as a mother in her late 40s,travelling,working in schools and being happily unmarried for 25 years.

Sorry I forget the memo that said one should ignore the above because 2 MNers say so.

I find it more questionable that somebody wishes to push an alleged stigma of being unmarried out there.

Mehitabel6 · 30/08/2015 07:32

There is no stigma these days.

OP asked what makes marriage special - she needs to see a solicitor and find out- or ask at the CAB - and realise she doesn't need a wedding to have a marriage. Don't wait in ignorance until a tragedy strikes to find out.

thehypocritesoaf · 30/08/2015 07:56

3 babies in the Nhs, years at work, years at school gate and no one ever asked if I was married or treated me favourably because of it...ho hum.

There are lots of good reasons to get married. The idea that people will 'take you more seriously' or 'treat you better' is Ime not one of them.

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2015 08:09

"As for schools I'm afraid it does happen, not within the school but at the school gates!"

Curious how people at the school gate even know! I don't know whether my "school gate" acquaintances are married or not. Come to that, I don't know whether some of my actual friends are married or not. I've been to the weddings of some, which is a bit of a give away.......

thehypocritesoaf · 30/08/2015 08:28

Perhaps they have Segregation?

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2015 08:54

You mean schools have two gates and I have been picking up my poor wronged conceived in sin children from the unwed hussy gate all this time?

LilyTucker · 30/08/2015 08:54

Exactly. We've just been to the wedding of one of ds's closets friends throughout primary( going in year 7 this Sep). We had no idea they weren't married until the invite plopped onto the door mat. Ditto 2 other close friends.

Re the equal section of society who are married. They don't generally discuss their wedding day at any given opportunity,many marrieds don't share names with their spouses or children and some don't even go by Mrs so it's hardly a surprise that at the school gate parents are oblivious.

PrimalLass · 30/08/2015 09:04

Really, Mehitabel6? I didn't realise that Even that feels too much intrusion.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 30/08/2015 09:27

There are lots of good reasons to get married. The idea that people will 'take you more seriously' or 'treat you better' is Ime not one of them.

So because you haven't experienced it, it isn't a good reason? And those who have shared their experiences must be lying?

Why are the financial & legal differences between marriage and cohabiting considered differently to the social differences? Why are some reasons "good" but not others?

In every case, it's very specific to the individual couple; for a low earner, marriage can financially advantage them, for a blended family, it eases the DCs contact with the stepparent, in particular professions, it opens up overseas opportunities and, some posters are saying that in some social circles, marriage eases acceptance and changes the way they are treated.

Labelling some reasons for marriage as "good" and dismissing others is incredibly subjective. My own reason for getting married applies to a very small number of people and was only relevant to me while my ex was being an arse, and my DD was young. It was a "good" reason, to me, just like acceptance at the school gate may well be a "good" reason for others.

LilyTucker · 30/08/2015 09:43

Because financial reasons are hard and fast in black and white written in law and not in your head.That said if you have a joint mortgage,all insurance/ pension policies made over to your partner in death and limited savings those advantages aren't that great. A will covers a lot too. That said I would like the widowers allowance if needs be so may will do the deed for that.

Do tell how the entire school knew you weren't married and what this alleged predudice was.

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2015 09:59

But the school gate acceptance thing is a false reason because nobody would know.

thehypocritesoaf · 30/08/2015 10:01

O-kayyy, a very good and valid reason for getting married is the er school gate mums will treat you so much better.

Tell it to the world...

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2015 10:01

And an employer treating you better because you're married needs to be taken to a tribunal, not pandered to!

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