Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 10 11 12

Original poster

To not get the whole getting married thing

293 replies

Snoozebox · 27/08/2015 11:22

I know I am ignorant about the legal benefit side of things. I need advising!

Seriously, what are the advantages of getting married as opposed to just living with a partner?

I find the whole furore over the actual wedding ceremony just bizarre. I can't get my head around making a public celebration over a relationship which is mostly private. I don't get why we even need marriage in our modern society. I thought living together is commitment enough

AIBU? Someone explain to me why marriage is special, please!

OP posts:

Original poster

Snoozebox · 30/08/2015 18:58

Thanks for all the legal information, everyone.

It's still the ceremony itself I don't get. We don't have ceremonies to confirm that we love our children or to point out to the whole world that we will be loyal to our best friends...the marriage ceremony seems so outdated to me, but then a lot of traditions based in religion also baffle me!

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2015 18:59

"That's what I don't get. Why do people have children and yet don't want to get married?"
Why not?

derenstar · 30/08/2015 19:03

There was a thread in here not too long ago asking the reasons why people got married. Most responses were along the lines of because we love each other and wanted to declare it formally and live as one unit or some such reason. That's as good a reason as any, it's a personal choice. We can all argue about the legalities or advantages/disadvantages until the cows come home. The beauty of the modern age is that there is so much more information available to us than ever before at our finger tips. It's up to each individual person to judge for themselves what works for them and then decide. If marriage isn't for, you, then don't do it simples but do so knowing all the facts!

Personally, I like being married, any additional rights or benefits I get as result of it are an added bonus as they didn't really factor into my decision I would have married my husband anyway without them. However, I accept that for others the legal aspects are top priority. My old boss told me she got married in the hospital chapel after she almost died in car accident and her partner of 17 years couldn't make decisions about her care or something like that. I wasn't there so I don't know exactly what happened, but I assume she has no reason to lie about it and I certainly didn't grill her for it. She offered the information.

That's what it boils down to, to some people the idea of a formal commitment is important to them just as for others, it's being more socially accepted or travelling/working in questionable parts of the world ME. Its really not that hard to accept that people make different choices and have different experiences, surely??!

Mehitabel6 · 30/08/2015 19:03

But you don't have to have a ceremony. I know people who have popped in during their lunch time and then gone back to work, also a couple who just had a day out- wore jeans and it was just a small part of the day.
A lot of people like a ceremony. I like it. You don't have to 'get' it, anymore than people don't 'get' not getting married. We are all different- thankfully.

LilyTucker · 30/08/2015 19:05

Um Vivienne why the assumption couples with children don't marry because the man doesn't want to commit?

Why do you need to be married to have children?

All the couples I know who aren't married aren't because both hate the idea bug are in very long term relationships( far longer than most marrieds).If one wanted to get married they wouldn't be together.

We are in a committed long term relationship. The commitment of having children together is huge and separate. We aren't married because the idea gives us both the chills. No couple should stay together for the sake of children. A poisonous relationship is a poisonous relationship- married or not they are never good for children.

Bunbaker · 30/08/2015 19:06

"the marriage ceremony seems so outdated to me, but then a lot of traditions based in religion also baffle me!"

But you don't have to have a religious ceremony. You don't have to have a "ceremony" at all if you don't want to celebrate your marriage. Note - I use the word marriage here not wedding.

Just get you and your partner to a registry office with two witnesses, job done.

Mehitabel6 · 30/08/2015 19:07

What I don't 'get' is why people expect to 'get' everything- or even why it should be desirable to 'get' it. Variety and differences are what makes life interesting. There are lots of things I don't 'get' - it doesn't mean they are not valid.

LilyTucker · 30/08/2015 19:08

But we don't want to thanks.

derenstar · 30/08/2015 19:09

I think you will find OP, that most cultures do have ceremonies to confirm they love their children -christenings and naming ceremonies and variations of it are still very much practiced pretty much across the world. even birthday parties, coming of age ceremonies can be described as such. In my view, they're mostly a good excuse for a knees up but what's wrong with that?

Bunbaker · 30/08/2015 19:16

"We aren't married because the idea gives us both the chills."

Why? Not judging at all BTW. I believe in live and let live, but I don't understand why you feel that marriage is so horrendous.

In a stable relationship marriage shouldn't make any difference to the rlationship. The only reasons I can think of in favour of marriage have been given upthread in terms of legal status, inheritance etc.

GnomeDePlume · 30/08/2015 19:17

PrimalLass Sat 29-Aug-15 23:47:13
The point of a wedding is that it is a public declaration.

It's a bit shit if you wouldn't mind the legal protection but don't want to do the public bit though

But a big chunk of the legal protection of marriage is that you can only be married to one person at a time. Part of ensuring that is that the declaration is public information.

If you dont want to do the public declaration then you can go some way towards gaining protection through a solicitor. Problem is that it will never offer all the protection because it is possible to change the legal agreements unilaterally and without needing to inform the other partner. Essentially it is private.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 30/08/2015 19:18

The commitment of having children together is huge and separate.

lily - for you and your DP, this may be true, but for others, with a different belief system to your own, the decision to marry and the decision to have DCs may be intrinsically linked.

Hence why, for some, your decision to have DCs without being married is incomprehensible to them.

But, I agree with the most recent comments that promote a "live and let live" approach - if marriage and/or a wedding is important to some people, it shouldn't matter why; it could be perceived respectability, obligation, faith, religion or legal protection. Any reason is perfectly valid and should not be ridiculed or dismissed by others.

Bunbaker · 30/08/2015 19:20

Well said SouthAmericanCuisine

SouthAmericanCuisine · 30/08/2015 19:23

The "public declaration" thing is a bit disingenuous tbh - my DH and I managed to get married in a small, rural community, without anyone (including our ex spouses who had form for stalking us) ever finding out.

OwlinaTree · 30/08/2015 19:32

It seems a bit like you think you are ahead of everybody else's thinking with your marriage is unnecessary views. Surely you understand other people feel differently to you and that's equally valid?

PrimalLass · 30/08/2015 19:37

But a big chunk of the legal protection of marriage is that you can only be married to one person at a time. Part of ensuring that is that the declaration is public information.

The government manage to give you only one passport (for example), so I'm sure marriages could be done by an application process somehow.

OwlinaTree · 30/08/2015 19:42

I don't think you could get married by post, you have to be there as a previous poster said to show you are doing it of your own free will.

It is quicker to have a marriage ceremony than fill in a passport application for example.

LilyTucker · 30/08/2015 19:44

Err excuse me.

I think it was me answering the poster who wanted to know how anybody could possibility contemplate not getting married and having children so right back atcha.

Also I don't think I have to explain my views as to why it gives me the chills at all thanks.

OwlinaTree · 30/08/2015 19:59

Don't know if that's at me lily, I was responding to the op's views.

Thurlow · 30/08/2015 20:14

Some posters need to see there is a vast difference between "it's not for me, I always wanted to get married and I am happier being married" and "anyone who doesn't get married is shirking commitment."

Because there's a vast difference there.

Bunbaker · 30/08/2015 20:18

"Also I don't think I have to explain my views as to why it gives me the chills at all thanks."

I was just curious. I get that some people don't want to get married but the idea of giving you the chills is a bit extreme, which is why I asked. I didn't mean to offend.

GnomeDePlume · 30/08/2015 20:52

The government manage to give you only one passport (for example), so I'm sure marriages could be done by an application process somehow.

Actually that is not true, many of my colleagues had two British passports to allow them to travel on one while the other was off getting one visa or another applied.

The problem with an application process is that you would need to be able to demonstrate that both people were who they say they were and that both were happy to be married to each other. You would also need to ensure that the declaration had taken place at the time it was said to have taken place.

The best way of achieving that would be to have the two people present themselves at an office with a couple of witnesses where a government official could register this declaration.

Oh no, wait....

Bunbaker · 30/08/2015 21:25

OH has two passports because he often has one away for a visa application while he is travelling.

PrimalLass · 30/08/2015 21:37

Ok, if not an application form, then get rid of the two witnesses thing. Don't want to do this in front of anyone.

Re the two passports, I imagine that requires extra security.

Bunbaker · 30/08/2015 21:53

"Re the two passports, I imagine that requires extra security"

No, just a letter from the company sending you abroad while your other passport is unavailable.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 10 11 12

Swipe left for the next trending thread