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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be very pissed off when a new man starts trying to 'gently' advise on changes to my hair/dress style?

96 replies

beaglesaresweet · 27/08/2015 01:23

I'm very curious whether majority of modern women are like that, or is it just me being over-sensitive and over-reacting?
I mainly mean a new man you just started dating or a BF or a few months. This didn't happen on my LTRs really - they may have expressed a preferance for me having my hair up or down but it was in no way pushy and it wasn't insisting on ONLY their choice.
But I had at least TWO men who I dated (one new and the other I knew for a while), trying to impose their views by (when hugging/kissing) for example pushing my hair off my face into a pony tail (I hate that, I don't like all of my hair back and face completely exposed) - he did it twice even though he saw me shaking out of it, it was all done very gently but I still hated it that he didn't ask or whatever but just did what HE thinks suits me or he likes. 'It's just nice like this' while I know (and so hairdressers ) that it's not what suits me - I don't think it is! The other one told me that I don't dress 'to my advantage' meaning I'm hiding my 'good figure' - I'm not actually hiding but in no way it's my style to wear very tight or short clothes, I go for fitted though so not at all baggy! Also I like to be dynamic so I don't wear heels much but it's all good quality stuff - he commented that 'yes, I know you go for practical clothes' - I'm not in an overall ffs! they are designer slim jeans and fitted tops but understated. He was much older though.

I want to scream 'this is ME, it's MY style' and bugger off if you don't like it. If I wanted it different, I'd do it. Both men professed to really fancy/like me and one even being in love at that point - though admittedly both were not quite getting what they wanted (sex) at the time - was that some sort of veiled resentment? I think they just felt entitled to mould a woman to what their taste was evem though she didn't ask for it and even though they liked her. I wouldn't never do it to the man I was crazy about or very attarcted to at least. What the heck? I'd feel I had no right to dictate him - only if he asked advice.

How common is this, and am I being precious? I'm not going to change as to me for some reason it's a vey strong /feminist issue, but am I still over-reacting? Otoh don't they realise that it's a veiled criticism and also is controlling?

OP posts:
Fatmomma99 · 27/08/2015 01:28

sorry, I'm v old, so don't know what the young people do nowadays,but this sounds horrific and I think you are right to keep doing what you are doing! These men sound like twats!

Original poster
beaglesaresweet · 27/08/2015 01:33

thanks Fatmomma, I would not call it 'horrific' as there are much more seroius things - it's not done violently and obvoiusly I answer back and say I don't like it and then they wouldn't continue, but both of these are nice enough guys who genuinely fancied me. They have no idea that this can be upsetting!

OP posts:
Original poster
beaglesaresweet · 27/08/2015 01:34

not so much upsetting as infuriating and something most/many women wouldn't like.

OP posts:
Dancingquality · 27/08/2015 01:34

They are trying to tell you in a cack handed way that you are pretty with a great figure.

TooScaredToPostPostHack · 27/08/2015 01:36

Sounds like they were testing you to see what control/rules you would follow. Well done for no longer being with them

Original poster
beaglesaresweet · 27/08/2015 01:41

really, Dancing? that was a completely opposite view to Fatmomma! The thing is, I wouldn't mind if he TOLD me he likes it either way but prefers it tied back(the hair man) but actually pushing it into a shape he liked and I don't, not just nack as I do but completely pulled back (twice) when he saw I didn't like it, is not just a compliment, it's imposing.
It's also like saying his taste is better than mine so he knows better. I don't think so! It's just too personal, especially when we ar not a full on couple or in LTR and it's supposed to be all starry eyed, not 'constructive criticism'.

OP posts:
Original poster
beaglesaresweet · 27/08/2015 01:43

TooScared, one of then I'm still seeing but not sleeping with, it's only been a few weeks! He's putting me off more now, but I was thinking how do other women react to this? Does anyone think it's 'attention' and so is positive?

OP posts:
Snozberry · 27/08/2015 01:43

Having an opinion on your partners appearance is fine imo, but delivered in the form of a compliment when they do think you look nice, at least until you've been together many years and are comfortable with ribbing eachother. Saying things like "you don't dress to your advantage" is just prickish.

Original poster
beaglesaresweet · 27/08/2015 01:44

but yes, that's what my view is. Or at least if they aer not knowingly testing, they are just being self centred/insensitive and used to do what suits them.

OP posts:
Original poster
beaglesaresweet · 27/08/2015 01:47

Snoz, exactly, a compliment when the partner does it to their taste maybe, in ltr, but not volunteering and pushing then into it! But do you think my reaction is OTT re being quite furious? am I in the minority? some see it humourously? I'm just starting to date again and want to get the balance right (no one was bossing me about for quite a while!)

OP posts:
Fatmomma99 · 27/08/2015 01:49

FWIW, you sound like a catch to me! (this is not a proposition - just a call for you to value yourself and say I think your instincts are right!)

Snozberry · 27/08/2015 01:50

If they did it more than once I would get quite annoyed too. You're entitled to feel angry about it and not want to bother with a man who does that, even if others are fine with it.

Original poster
beaglesaresweet · 27/08/2015 01:54

thanks Fatmom and Snoz, glad to know I'm not completely over-reacting. I've been told before that I can be a bit tough with men, so I want to get the balance of being more feminine/kind but at the same time sticking to my own tastes/opinions, this is not always very easy.

OP posts:
Troutius183 · 27/08/2015 01:55

Perhaps you need to be slightly less subtle in the way that you tell them that you don't like what they are doing. If you have a problem, just tell them, if they are a decent guy, they'll understand and stop doing it.

Lweji · 27/08/2015 02:02

Maybe I'm too sensitive, but it would be at least a yellow flag to me and would make me analyse their other behaviour too.

You did say that other men didn't do it, which means you know it's not "normal".

I would not call it 'horrific' as there are much more serious things - it's not done violently and obviously I answer back and say I don't like it and then they wouldn't continue
Not saying this could necessarily be the case, but serious things start with little things. Abusers don't start beating their new partners, or openly controlling them. Just testing waters first.

Rainbunny · 27/08/2015 02:06

I once dated a man for about 3 months. He started off by constantly raving about how beautiful I was and how he noticed other men looking at me when we were out together. I found the constant compliments made me very uncomfortable, I'm naturally honest about myself and I know that I'm not beautiful, cute on a good day but his constant compliments were too much! After a while he started making comments such as do I need to wear so much makeup? (I hardly wear makeup, same boring basics to be presentable everyday, light foundation, a bit of neutral brown eyeshadow and mascara, never any lipstick or eyeliner. He once (bizarrely) said that I must spend a lot of time maintaining my eyebrows ??? I do have naturally thick, heavy brows (naturally born with the scouse brow) that I pluck and trim everyweek to keep from getting out of control. I realised that the subtext to his comments was that he wanted me to look good, but REALLY he wished that I looked good naturally and effortlessly. Somehow by wearing makeup, grooming my brows etc.. I was cheating. He clearly had some unrealistic ideas and expectations about women, OP it sounds like you've encountered a couple more of this breed.

peacefuleasyfeeling · 27/08/2015 02:09

What Too and Lweji said. Uugh.

OddSocksHighHeels · 27/08/2015 02:10

The hair guy - is he pulling it back as a preference or is it just that your hair tickles while you're hugging and kissing and actually bothers him? If it's the latter then I wouldn't mind pulling it back during the moments that it was irritating him and then taking it down afterwards.

Other than that, it's your hair and your clothes. You have them how you feel comfortable and, quite frankly, fuck anybody who doesn't respect that.

maxxytoe · 27/08/2015 03:36

Oh god I hate this !
My ex partner always used to wipe my makeup off without my permission and tell me how I 'should' be wearing it!
He even offered to apply it for me one day ! HmmAngry
It's rude above anything else !

Bulbasaur · 27/08/2015 03:43

DH tried this a bit in the beginning, by comparing me to his ex no less. Shock

We had a "talk" where I let him know that his ex was never to come up in conversation in comparison to me, that I was not going to be his rebound, and he damn well better respect me or find someone else.

It's been about 10 years, and he still says one of the things he likes about me is that I don't put up with his bullshit. He's not even a little controlling, if anything he's the passive laid back one in the relationship.

It's human nature to test the waters to see what they can get away with. DH has called me on my shit too. The real question is how they react when you tell them to knock it off. Do they respect that and/or apologize, or do they invalidate your feelings and sulk to make you feel like you're in the wrong? That's what I would look for.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/08/2015 03:46

Awful behaviour, YANBU at all.

I have a friend who went out with a guy who liked her to "show off her figure" (read: wear short skimpy revealing outfits) and then have a go at her if she so much as looked at anyone other than him. He turned out to be a psycho though, very controlling and dangerous. Luckily she got away from him without damage, but it was touch and go at one point. :(

I say that anyone who thinks they can tell you how to look/dress/etc. is a controlling arse and they can fuck off. It's a red flag.

Expressing a preference or telling you that you look nice in something is not a problem; but when they start to expect to over-ride your personal choices with theirs, then run.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 27/08/2015 03:48

I think you are making a fuss about nothing. The fact you want to scream when a boy moves your hair is probably going to cause you problems in relationships. I know I wouldn't speak to my husband like that

MonkeyPJs · 27/08/2015 03:55

This would be a yellow flag for me too.

When I was young I had a boyfriend who was critical about what I wore and had very clear ideas about what looked good, and I dressed that way as wanted to be attractive to him etc. The end result was me questioning my own sense of style, and it wasn't very good for my self esteem at all.

Cabrinha · 27/08/2015 04:06

So which of the two are you still dating? Confused
I hope it's not the clothes guy - that's just rude.

I think the ponytail thing could be a bit weird on your part though. I hate my hair up, only pony it for sports. But I flipping love it when my boyfriend twists it up when he's kissing me. Partly because it exposes more skin to kiss, and frankly it's partly because I'm a fan of a bit of hair pulling.

I know that hair pulling is a bit porn and doesn't suit everyone. But gently lifting hair is black and white 50s romance films... so it's quite possibly a "learned" romantic move.

Or - your hair is just in the damn way when kissing!

I don't understand why you're cross with him doing it just twice when it reads like you haven't even told him. And when listing your hair away to see your face / kiss you is NOT the same as saying "you need to wear it like this because I say so even though you hate it".

BobbinThreadbare · 27/08/2015 10:38

I was seeing a much older chap who did things like this. 'Oh you shouldn't wear makeup' ' I prefer natural looking women' etc. I hardly wear any but have scars on my face which I like to cover up, and want a SPF too, so screw that! Too controlling. Kept telling me I had no opinions and trying to goad me into an argument. Dumped that!