AIBU to be very pissed off when a new man starts trying to 'gently' advise on changes to my hair/dress style?

[beaglesaresweet]

I'm very curious whether majority of modern women are like that, or is it just me being over-sensitive and over-reacting?
I mainly mean a new man you just started dating or a BF or a few months. This didn't happen on my LTRs really - they may have expressed a preferance for me having my hair up or down but it was in no way pushy and it wasn't insisting on ONLY their choice.
But I had at least TWO men who I dated (one new and the other I knew for a while), trying to impose their views by (when hugging/kissing) for example pushing my hair off my face into a pony tail (I hate that, I don't like all of my hair back and face completely exposed) - he did it twice even though he saw me shaking out of it, it was all done very gently but I still hated it that he didn't ask or whatever but just did what HE thinks suits me or he likes. 'It's just nice like this' while I know (and so hairdressers ) that it's not what suits me - I don't think it is! The other one told me that I don't dress 'to my advantage' meaning I'm hiding my 'good figure' - I'm not actually hiding but in no way it's my style to wear very tight or short clothes, I go for fitted though so not at all baggy! Also I like to be dynamic so I don't wear heels much but it's all good quality stuff - he commented that 'yes, I know you go for practical clothes' - I'm not in an overall ffs! they are designer slim jeans and fitted tops but understated. He was much older though.

I want to scream 'this is ME, it's MY style' and bugger off if you don't like it. If I wanted it different, I'd do it. Both men professed to really fancy/like me and one even being in love at that point - though admittedly both were not quite getting what they wanted (sex) at the time - was that some sort of veiled resentment? I think they just felt entitled to mould a woman to what their taste was evem though she didn't ask for it and even though they liked her. I wouldn't never do it to the man I was crazy about or very attarcted to at least. What the heck? I'd feel I had no right to dictate him - only if he asked advice.

How common is this, and am I being precious? I'm not going to change as to me for some reason it's a vey strong /feminist issue, but am I still over-reacting? Otoh don't they realise that it's a veiled criticism and also is controlling?

I like the posts trying to make excuses for this kind of behaviour. In reality, it's not on.

I think expressing a preference for some clothes over others is fine, I tell my husband if I don't/ do like a particular shirt. Criticising your whole dress style is insulting though and I would say that and suggest they went out with someone whose dress style they liked if it was that important to him.
I hate having my hair fiddled with but have said so whenever blokes have tried pulling it back or fiddling with it. I offered to buy one ex a Girls world! Nice blokes take the hint and stop doing it once you've asked them not to.
I think commenting on something is fine, keeping on going on about it and expecting to have your own way on their appearance isn't.
I prefer my husband's hair a bit longer but know that when it gets to my favourite length he gets it cut as he prefers it shorter and easier to manage. That's how things should be to me.

I understand what you are saying, Cabrinha. But what's bugging the op is that she clearly showed she didn't want the pony tail and he still did it again. Not the end of the world, bit certainly something to pay attention to and be very clear about.

As for
The fact you want to scream when a boy moves your hair is probably going to cause you problems in relationships.
It was not a boy, it wasn't just moving hair and it doesn't seem to have caused problems in other relationships, so it was specific to this man.
And I'd rather have problems in relationships from not putting up with things I didn't want than silencing myself with things I hate for the sake of being in a relationship.

I've been told before that I can be a bit tough with men

This is the sort of thing often said to women who demonstate a normal level of assertiveness, in order to reduce that assertiveness and push them into being more controllable.

I seriously doubt you are actually tough with men, OP, just that you've simply stood up for yourself at some point.

Also, I think there's a difference between a husband and someone you're seeing but aren't even committed enough to have a sexual relationship with yet. It's not a good audition from them.

DH still does this and we've been married 5 years! Also, he's not nice about it. I carry on my own sweet way.

How do you know she hasn't had sex with them? I don't think sex and commitment went together for me. Moving in together is a commitment, sex is just sex.

Most of us will be sensitive about something.
We might not give a damn what others think about our clothes but may be funny about our hair, for example. It should be respected. Particularly still in the audition stage. If it's not going to be respected then, it's not likely it will be respected later either.

We may overlook criticism for 5 years, but all it takes is a period of less confidence to get to us, or it just grates at some point. Always better to stamp on it earlier on.

I had a boyfriend years ago who kept pushing my fringe off my face when I'd told him I didn't like it. He also said I looked better without makeup. And he turned out to be very very controlling.

I was with a guy for about 1.5 years when I was 18. He always said how much he preferred my hair straight (it's naturally curly) and only made nice comments about my appearance when I wore a lot of make up. He also said it was best when I wore heels and wanted me to wear them all the time. I was young so just did all this until one day I got rid of him! If they don't love you for you they're not mr right! He also bought dresses for me to wear!

I have never experienced either the clothes, makeup or hair things.

If you have wild curls op, it may make him itchy and claustrophobic when kissing. If that was the case I would just call things a day, as you have hair off your face issues and they have hair on the face issues.

Interesting. IMO men shouldn't make veiled criticisms about hair or clothes... but it's also normal to have some opinions about your partner's style, encourage them to experiment with different styles or make suggestions about things you feel would suit them. It's not necessarily criticism at all, just a different perspective.

My DH prefers my 'natural' look and is less keen on heavy make-up or very groomed styles. He prefers my hair when it's a bit wild. But equally he appreciates it when I make an effort for special occasions, e.g. his company dinners when I need to look polished. He also likes it when I try out a new style with hair and clothes, I suppose because it's fresh and new. And I always make an effort to dress sexily for date-nights. Likewise he makes an effort too, he wears clothes that show off his figure when we go out for dinner and will sometimes ask me what I'd like him to wear. While I normally compliment him on his style, I also comment on his outfits sometimes or steer him towards certain styles I prefer. In a relationship I think you both have some responsibility for the other's image... I'd want DH to tell me if I was in a style-rut or wearing clothes that didn't flatter me. Wearing the same style all the time gets boring.

However, I can see the other side too. When I was much younger I dated a couple of men who were quite critical about what I wore and how I did my hair, which knocked my confidence. One only liked my hair straightened and thought it looked 'messy' natural. One had a thing for very tight figure-hugging clothes (not my style) and used to buy me clothes I felt were not me at all. He also thought my style should be more feminine and urged me to wear heels and show my legs with subtle yet manipulative comments like 'you look better in skirts than jeans' or 'it's a shame to hide those legs'. I ended both those relationships quickly as it felt controlling!

But in response to your examples... IMO the pushing-hair-off-face thing is a red herring. Many men just don't like hair getting in the way when kissing or being intimate, it tickles and is off-putting. It also acts as a barrier. I have a friend who always wears her hair half covering her face and I find it disconcerting talking to someone who is hiding under her hair, so on rare occasions she does clip it back I tell her how great it looks clipped back and how much it suits her. She has lovely delicate bone-structure that gets lost under her hair.

You say your style is understated, but do you always wear the same sort of thing? If you wear slim jeans and fitted tops to every date, regardless of occasion, I can understand why this might puzzle men. Maybe they think you're not making an effort, or that you lack self-confidence to try other styles? Maybe they think they're helping you?
I'm not saying wear tight revealing clothes, but making an effort is important when dating. Variety suggests you put time and thought into your outfit, rather than grabbed the first thing to hand. Jeans and trousers come in all sorts of styles, as do fitted tops. And if you're having dinner in a restaurant, jeans aren't really appropriate. While I think respecting personal style is important, I also think it's nice to make an effort when dating and experiment with different styles, also adjusting your personal style so it suits different occasions.

playnicely Wtf?

As a bloke, albeit of the ancient variety, I'd definitely go with a YANBU here.
Even when married I approached such conversations (on rare occasions) with a significant degree of tact and diplomacy and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have tried to persuade any woman to change her appearance at any earlier stage of a relationship.
And, I might add, few women including my ex-wife tried to change me

Though past partners have been known to sigh quietly at some of my clothes choices (especially my penchant for LOUD barbecue shirts)
Not without just cause

thank you, everyone!
Lweji, my thoughts run exactly like yours!
To clarify, I do not have wild curls or long hair, it's collar-bone length, but I have half a fringe to one side and I never tuck my hair behind my ears (doesn't suit my face). I go to a good hairdersser too and he obviously recommends this style too - it's not only my own opinion (but even if it was that should be enough). So no hair isn't in his face when kissing, it's not heavy enough (sadly for me) and it's just the half frienge and the sides that are not 'neat'. So he tries to push it all back behind ears which just makes me jugely uncomfortable -the pulling action itself and the fact I don't like how it look that way! I don't like my face completely exposed especially with a lover (he's not a full on lover but have dated him 3 weeks and knew hom before for a while). I've wriggled out of it fitst time round by turning my head away - sdurely that's enough to see I'm not comfortable. Then second time he actually started TALKING about it and asking what length hair did I have before, and how he likes to see all of my face so likes when it's back. Really my face is not obscured at all! it's soften by a half fringe which is very soft and not too long. I just don't get a simple thing - can't he understand that if i LIKED it pulled back then I'd do it, I'm a mature woman (and so is he a mature man) - it's not like I'm lost at sea as to what suits me or asking for advice! To me it's lack of respect and also just shows that he's the type who LIKES THINGS ON HIS TERMS generally.
He 's already commented when passing the shops that X would suit me, and 'oh that's a nice dress' (I liked the firs item but not the dress - it would suit a 20yr old and they are not at all my colours) - so I'm pretty sure it's not only the hair. He is also very set in his taste in his own home and likes things 'just so' so I can imagine if anyone lives with him he'd try to pursuade them into his taste.
Well I like it 'just so' with my hair and like a poster above hate men fiddling with it as then it gets greasy and not the shape I like, I quite like just light stroking just to be tactile or feel my hair, but not RE-ARRANGING it into a diff style.
He's already also done a few things (minor) that involved me without consulting me just went ahead, nothing unpleasant but still a bit iffy. I think I will be knocking our dating on its head soon.
CAbrinha, Hair pulling in bed is different, I do like it sometimes but we aer not in bed - and he does it when kissing only because that's when he gets his chance to touch it, he won't just do it when out with me! But the point is, he needs to do what I like (or in your case - fine if you like it pulled back etc) not go against it t please himself, plus I see it as lack of liking me exactly as I am.
The 'dress to your advantage' comment is rude, I agree but he was much older. I always wanted to ask 'what advantage is that?' Men looking and getting excited? thanks but I'm not after that!
Interesting to read all opinions though, sorry can't respond to all.
I'm glad consensus is, I'm not really OTT.

whatdoiget, sounds exactly like that!

See, LilacRain, I don't agree with your first sentence. I don't think partners should voice opinions and advise/encourage unless you ask them! Lots of people do like to ask if they don't have a certain taste about their own appearance, then of course it's fine. If I'm not asking him, it means I'm happy with my own choice. Then it becomes a criticism, nit just of my looks but of my own opinion. OPinions about house if you live together, or in some case clothes, is fine I think because it's shared and also some people just have bad associations/memories from exes re some clothes or colours - that's ok, but actually criticising the whole style as someone said above or the personal things like hair etc (on which many women do feel sensitive and put an effort in) is wrong, it's too much the identity thing. There may be one hting that you really don't like about someone's style but then if they like it, don't go out with them, or ask very very tactfully if they would consider changing it because you have a dislike NOT connected to them personally.

I think it sounds creepy.

Lilac, I didn't mean at all that I wear only jeans to date nights. That comment from older men was about my daytime look. I do wear skirts a lot in the summer, and people generally tell me I dress nicely/have good taste. I wore a skirt a few times when out with that man in the evening but he was criticising my daytime look when I have to be dynamic and rush around due to not working in an office. I told him that I'm not going to rush around London tubes in heels and a fine silk blouse and a skirt (his taste), especially not in winter as I like to be warm - but I'm still sexy enough in slim jeans it's never baggy, not that I want to be constantly focusing on sexiness anyway.

oh and I definitely do dress for occasions if more formal, I just hardly ever go to these nowadays, but if I had a partner who did, Of course I would. FOR ME though and to be appropriate, not because he finds it more attractive. Couples can be different of course. I know some are very conscious about the style/hair//details/fashion but it's absolutely fine if they aer both like that. But many others do not have it as a top of the list, so for then a partner who is that invested in daily effort with style, is just not compatible! SAme goes for commenting/advising - some like it and some don't. You just choose the right partner instead of trying to mould someone who isn't that way inclined. I'm much more focussed on personality/behavoiur/humour, and then as they are looks-wise - they just need to appeal to me, I then tend to like their style as is, and if they ask me I can say what I prefer but wouldn't start telling them 'change this, change that' unless they are clueless and want my input.

Oh I've had this too. Not even from a boyfriend but just an older man who told me I should show off my lovely figure more.

But the worse was from a female friend I was staying with who took it upon herself to revamp my look as she thought I'd gotten dowdy. One morning she came into my room with a pink frilly bikini and forced it against me cupping my boobs aggressively and exclaiming "you need to be sexeeee darling sexeeee!"

What's pisses me off ultimately is the assumption that all women want to be sexy and show off their figures.

plainicely - I didn't scream at him at all. I did send him a text yesterday saying that you either like me as I am or not, I don't like being moulded and it sounds like criticism - but it was calm and matter of fact. No reply so far ha!

Get rid.

An ex once said to me 'You're allowed to dress sexy, you know'.

Hence ex.

It sounds like older men should be avoided, I tend to prefer men my age who've grown up with the same sort of stuff on media/ music as reference points anyway. I think these men in their 50s who want to date women 10 years younger are pushing their luck and after the woman as toy and plaything aspect rather than wanting an equal.

Theydon't, yes, it's been drummed into us, the need to sexiness - I think nothing wrong with liking people who are sexy but to me it really is not about clothes, it's the whole vibe, also I think any woman will find someone who thinks she's sexy. But yes appealing to all and sundry is seen to be linked with 'sexy' clothes. Some women are not interested in sex (and some men) so they ddon't need to look sexy at all, but I bet even thebn someone will be attracted regadless. The last thing I want is passing men leering. I want to choose who and how to be sexy with or to reveal my body, not that I wear a sack anyway, as I said.
Yes some female friends/relatives do it too - also makes me furious actually but less so as they don't have a 'vested interest'. I jst can't imagine starting on a friend 'why don't you try a radical new hairdo/clothes' when they expressed no interest in the subject (wtf?)