AIBU to be very pissed off when a new man starts trying to 'gently' advise on changes to my hair/dress style?

[beaglesaresweet]

I'm very curious whether majority of modern women are like that, or is it just me being over-sensitive and over-reacting?
I mainly mean a new man you just started dating or a BF or a few months. This didn't happen on my LTRs really - they may have expressed a preferance for me having my hair up or down but it was in no way pushy and it wasn't insisting on ONLY their choice.
But I had at least TWO men who I dated (one new and the other I knew for a while), trying to impose their views by (when hugging/kissing) for example pushing my hair off my face into a pony tail (I hate that, I don't like all of my hair back and face completely exposed) - he did it twice even though he saw me shaking out of it, it was all done very gently but I still hated it that he didn't ask or whatever but just did what HE thinks suits me or he likes. 'It's just nice like this' while I know (and so hairdressers ) that it's not what suits me - I don't think it is! The other one told me that I don't dress 'to my advantage' meaning I'm hiding my 'good figure' - I'm not actually hiding but in no way it's my style to wear very tight or short clothes, I go for fitted though so not at all baggy! Also I like to be dynamic so I don't wear heels much but it's all good quality stuff - he commented that 'yes, I know you go for practical clothes' - I'm not in an overall ffs! they are designer slim jeans and fitted tops but understated. He was much older though.

I want to scream 'this is ME, it's MY style' and bugger off if you don't like it. If I wanted it different, I'd do it. Both men professed to really fancy/like me and one even being in love at that point - though admittedly both were not quite getting what they wanted (sex) at the time - was that some sort of veiled resentment? I think they just felt entitled to mould a woman to what their taste was evem though she didn't ask for it and even though they liked her. I wouldn't never do it to the man I was crazy about or very attarcted to at least. What the heck? I'd feel I had no right to dictate him - only if he asked advice.

How common is this, and am I being precious? I'm not going to change as to me for some reason it's a vey strong /feminist issue, but am I still over-reacting? Otoh don't they realise that it's a veiled criticism and also is controlling?

I think so, 2rebecca. I have a friend who is married to a man 10 years older than her (not really that much of an "older man" but still) and despite her being in her late 40s, he likes her to dress as though she's still in her 20s. She has the figure for it, but doesn't really suit the style he prefers - I've known her since her early 20s and she never wore that sort of clothing even when she was that age! She does it for him, but whenever he's away she reverts to her own style. I don't know whether it's a control thing for him or not - he doesn't seem like that sort of person, but who knows what goes on behind closed doors, eh?

I guess that we feel differently depending on out life experiences... I have had one lovely husband for a long time, and I can see lots of you have met controlling types. I would certainly let this go if it were me and my husband.. I'd only want to tell him off if I knew he was being unkind...your guy sounds playful, and he obvs doesn't know you are funny about certain things.. So maybe YOU ought to tell him ? Your op asked for opinions on wether you're perhaps overreacting, I try not to nag unless I really must, cos my husband is home for such a short time at night, I don't want to waste it by nagging him about rubbish like please can't you put your plate in the dishwasher... ,!!! Ffs!

Playnicely, why is this comparable to your H? he obviously suits me in so many ways and you love him and he gives you a lot of deep security etc. This is someone new! few weeks of dating even though he was trying to rush me into things as he fancies me a lot, but slowed down a little now. It wasn't done playfully (and not the first time) - it's more 'I like it that way' kind of vibe and expression. And then quizzing me about hair length in my past instead of just enjoying the kiss - to me that's 'wtf'. As I say I like gentle stroking of hair but not re-arranging it and talking about it. I did tell him - in a text later to which he hasn't replied.

sorry I meant 'he obviously suits you in so many ways' in first line.

cos my husband is home for such a short time at night, I don't want to waste it by nagging him about rubbish like please can't you put your plate in the dishwasher

Not really for this thread, but it works both ways. If he's at home for so little time, why not act in a more respectful way to the person who's presumably doing it all at home, instead of letting her pick up things after yourself?
I wouldn't nag, but would very clearly point this out.

If someone Id been dating for three weeks was rearranging my hair into what he thought suited me better he'd be getting marched to the door and booted out. How controlling! Why haven't you told him to fuck right off?

Well he is the only memorable male I've known.. If you feel that strongly by all means do what you think best. You sound a bit more, assertive than me anyway, I tend to pick my arguments for when I know he deserves it.. But you're right it's a different situation than yours.. Sorry if I seemed flippant.. It was only my opinion, i am known for making poor decisions, so probably shouldn't have posted, but it was meant to be helpful, I am really surprised at the other replies myself!

Is it that you're worried he has some sort of weird fetish? He does sound really "newly in love" with you, which might be why he is saying the wrong thing.. But you know how you feel.. I dunno, maybe don't bin him yet? Give him another chance? If you still feel anything towards him ?

I don't nag, but maybe I'm a bit abrupt (well I was in that text - cam but clearly displeased).
Who, I felt like doing it but because we ve just kissed and I was feeling a bit mellow embracing I wasn't ready to lash out - and as I say he may not have meant to be pushy it's just he has strong tastes about everything - but this just shows he's not for me as I don't like perfectionist men or those who like it all to their taste, plus I want to feel at this stage I'm perfect in his eyes physically.
Btw I don't mind at all if a BF/partner has issues with my behavoiur or the way I talk etc and wants to discuss that - I'm much more open to compromise as I'm not perfect (on some things), but to me the physical 'me' is too personal and sensitive and being a romantic at heart I like to like/be liked a new man as they are. Ijust get some strong visceral reaction to this moulding thing, I'm not some doll for a man to arrange and to dress up.

Play, of course it's ok to post your opinion! Your situation is different and I appreciate that with a stable partner people tend to adapt and be forgiving more but otoh they should really know you by then and not step on your sensitive points, hope your H is as nice to you as you to him.
I"m not binning him yet but I'm close to it tbh (other issues too).

He's just send me a text and not even a mention of my (two) texts in a row from last night. Either he's absorbed it and agreed, or just wants to ignore it as something grating - no idea! the text is just 'hope you ok, I'm doing X'. Er, hello? We just don't have potential as a close proper couple, are we!

'do we', I meant.

That's strange him not mentioning it. I'd have expected a "sorry I've upset you hope we can sort things out later" type response if he values the relationship

Bin him. today.

You sent him a polite text saying that he needed to accept you as you are, and therefore how he has offended/upset you and he could not give a shit enough to apologise?

He is ignoring these texts as he doesn't want to behave like a normal person and your feelings are irrelevant to him.

BIN, BIN BIN.

#bargepole

I wouldn't like that text normally anyway. No questions about you? What's the point of him telling you what he's doing? What are you supposed to reply to that?
It sounds very self centered and a reply of me me me to your earlier texts.

He is trying to tell op she has a problem not him.

I think his text would be fine if the last text from the OP hadn't been a disgruntled one. He said he hoped she was OK which is much the same as saying "how are you?" to me. Most of my texts to friends and family are telling them what I've been doing and they then reply telling me what they've been up to and vv.
Ignoring problems isn't good though. If he was keen he should be trying to iron out problems as soon as they arise. He may not feel he has done anything to apologise for and may feel it's more a communication/ different expectations problem but either way he should be addressing it.

2rebecca, thaat sounds like him, he is likely feeling nothing to answer or apologise for - once before he said 'there was no question in your text so I din't reply' - silly and immature, as if he can't comment in response to a comment as obv it bothreed me. I didn't put it as strongly as 'offended' or upset in the text but it was def disgruntled. I think he is the type of not likeing to be told off. Yes, it's the same as 'how aer you' text, rebecca but he does have form no tto ask me much. I ask him in detail about his day, and he just says or texts 'you ok?' or 'just checking you ok, no need for a chat' - again to me it's all on his terms, not asking more or seeing if I wanted to chat.
Hissy it really is going that way, as I say I really like him, he's nice at a bit of a distance, his mates likes him, but we are very different in our habits/styles of communication and culturally to an extent - he's not an 'articulate' type that I like (have another thread on that) and just avoid subjects that are even slightly complex or he's not interested in, just sort of falls silent on me in hope I change the subject..
Lweji, I do think he's very me me me even though he is very helpful - but I now see it as a form of getting things his way and to be liked/relied on - which is fime as a friend but not for me as a partner, makes you feel he's done a lot for you and that and THEN he begins imposing his tastes and you feel bad being harsh towards him, like in yesterday's situation.
All of this together makes me extra vigilant with the hair thing and commenting what might suit me in shops (very little of that so far).

I'm not some doll for a man to arrange and to dress up

There's a big difference between casually re-arranging hair and treating a woman like a doll. I think your text about being 'moulded' probably confused him so he didn't address it. It's an issue better discussed in person.
I understand why his attitude to your hairstyle might ring alarm bells, but could you have read too much into it? He didn't say he didn't like your hair, he didn't comment on the colour or texture or cut... he was just tucking it behind your ears to see how it looked. IME many men see hair as an erotic, sensual thing, they like to touch it, play with it, experiment and view your face from different angles, particularly when in bed or sharing an intimate moment. You say you don't like your face 'completely exposed' with a lover, suggesting you use hair as a barrier and feel vulnerable with it pushed back. Telling a lover not to mess up your hairstyle may come across as a bit cold and fussy. DH likes the feel of my hair in his hands, he likes to play with it and sometimes plaits it or runs his fingers through it, or tucks it back behind my ears. It's a playful, intimate thing. Although I sometimes find it irritating (especially if it's knotty) I don't care about him altering the shape or style; it will return to normal when I wash it.

Why does having strong tastes make someone a perfectionist? Could it be there are other things about this man (other than his touching your hair/suggesting clothes) that ring alarm bells?

I think it's a bit precious to insist a man you're dating never touches your hair or rearranges it. What's wrong with trying different hairstyles or putting it up sometimes for a bit of variety? I don't see why your sense of identity would be threatened by varying your hairstyle, regardless of how you and your hairdresser feels it looks 'best'. If he thinks you look beautiful with it off your face, why not let him smooth it back when you're alone together? People have such different ideas about beauty. If I was dating a man who told me I must never touch his hair or rearrange it (when alone together) I'd think him rather vain and cold.

Why do you feel partners shouldn't voice opinions and advise/encourage each other when it comes to style? You can do so in a way that is creative and helpful rather than critical, and open each other's eyes to new styles. I've introduced DH to new styles that he hadn't thought of trying, and he has suggested clothes for me that I didn't like until I tried them on. Trying new things can be a massive confidence boost. Although neither of us care that much about style or fashion (and at home we both dress purely for comfort) it can fun and bonding to experiment with new looks together.

I'm still sexy enough in slim jeans
Sexy's in the eye of the beholder though. Some men find slim jeans sexy, some find baggy jeans sexy, some aren't keen on jeans at all. I once had a boyfriend who found baggy cargo-trousers sexy! I don't think there is a universal concept of 'sexy'. And I agree it's the whole persona, personality, behaviour etc that makes someone sexually attractive. But in the early stage of dating, looks are important, because you're looking at that person as a potential lover and deciding how sexually attractive you find them. If there's no physical attraction the relationship's doomed.
I don't think looking sexy takes much effort or needs to involve tight clothes or uncomfortable shoes. It's more about projecting confidence, plus a bit of care and thought about what you wear, and knowing what floats the other's boat. My DH finds the colour red sexy, so a simple red top is more attractive to him than a revealing dress. I find him particularly sexy in well-fitting beige shirts, but he wouldn't have guessed this unless I told him!

he's not an 'articulate' type that I like (have another thread on that)

Oh, that thread!

I'd stop dithering about it. When it all adds up, you're not a great match, are you?

It wasn't clear if its only when he kisses you he puts your hair out of the way/back. If its only then, he prob just wants to get at your neck/ear and if you really hate it you need to say. If he keeps saying allthe time it should be back/up & movingit, that is bloody annoying like he knows better. And i had an ex who wanted me to dress different - we didnt last. If someone wants to change the way I look then they dont really like me as I am is my take. So 'move on' time. Oh and re.makeup - had the you dont need it too, then his fave pic? Me wearing full slap.

Years ago I recall a newish man doing this - I got so irritated I went to the bathroom and came back with a razor, explaining I preferred my men bald and with no eyebrows - he got the hint pretty quickly

If someone wants to change the way I look then they dont really like me as I am is my take. That's my point SAzzle, and I mentioned it upthread.

The Spectator - that's quite drastic, ha! but I bet it worked. So I'm not the toughest towards men out there then!

Lilac, I feel sexy in narrow jeans and generally am not short of men who find me physically attarctive. The older man who said 'you don't dress to your advantage' was hugely attarcted to me and wanted to have sex but it didn't happen (he chased me for a very long time) as he was in celibate marriage but still married. So t's not about me not being attatrctive - I also said that of course I do vary my style according to occasion or whether it's a day or evening date but he mainly saw me in the day (though he saw me in skirts of course too). It's just HE thinks a woman should always dress up and HIS taste was heels and skirts/blouse, not my taste, I wasn't saying that's the taste of all the men.

Also plase read my posts more carefully - I never said (and it would be ridiculous) that I told him to never touch my hair - I think it was twice I said I like gentle stroking and when really at it in bed then it can be messed/pulled as a sex thing, but I don't want him re arranging it when it's just a calm kiss and embrace and it wouldn't get messy anyway. Plus I seriously disagree that if I find it uncomofrtable to haev my face exposed completely, then I should 'let him pull it back' because he likes it - I don't! I'm absolutely positive that it doesn't suit my face shape and I don't LIKE the look of myself when my hair is behind my ears tight - I do tuck it behind one ear but never tightly back. I'm not hiding behind my hair - as I said it's not long at all and it's soften my half fringe (not over the eye) because that's what suits me and I like the look of (and so hairdressers) and other men don't havea problem with it! I think it's bizzare to suggest that I should enjoy it just because he does - if a man asked me not to do something I wouldn't - I'd have noticed anyway if he was uncomfortable. If a guy fancies me he needs to fancy me how I am, unless I specifically ask for advice on clothes or colour etc. But I happen to have a good taste myself and am a bit artistic so I'm not clueless. I agree it's fime to voice a preferance to colour/ clothes if this is what a person sometimes wears or would wear anyway - still in their comfort zone. Say this guy would never want to wear a suit - I like suits but it's not his style and he looks good in sporty clothes, so I have no right or reason to push him into a nice suit. I think it would be rude too, like again - not his personality. It's not my personality to be completely bare faced, I also alwas wear a bit of make-up. I know plenty of men who would never tell a woman what to do re makeup or clothes - I prefer those!

As I mentioned, when it comes to other aspects, like behavoiur/how I talk to someone, I'm veyr willing to listen and compromise if they have a prefernce and I juts wasn't aware it upset them. But to me my physical self is too personal and something that's not going to change, but also I'm comfortable as I am and if I'm not an experimenting type, that's part of who I am. Take it or leave it - I just don't believe in making to much effort re dressing up, but of course I still dress well in my own style, and I do vary my hair and wear it back sometimes, just not tight scraped back as he wanted it. And if someone actually wants to hide behind their hair - that's surely their right! again if a new bf/gf don't like it they can go for someone else, not shy and to their taste!

I'll talk to him about it tomorrow a bit when I see him - he just phoned talking about work issues which he raised with his boss and it was nice of him to share, I thought maybe he was just too preoccupied with that yesterday and text was late - see what he says in a relaxed and happier mood. I do believe in giving people a chance to learn but I did notice it's his tendency regarding everything - interior of my house too (don't mind that much) - and his issue at work is mainly that they don't let him be in control more even though he's a manager. He just thinks (he told me) he gets the job done better than anyone else there) so he is a perfectionist, his house is immaculate but very much to his specific (a bit unusual) taste, but to me that's a bit intimidating like he would try to impose style/ order on anyone living there. Like he does know beter than anyone what looks right. I tried to argue about my vase going well in a space, and he said 'no, I really do know where it looks best'.

Sazzle, no he wasn't trying to kiss my neck, it was just a kiss good bye, and we both weren't in the mood for anything 'hot', as I say he was a bit grumnpy re his work issues. I almost feel he tries to manage me partly because he's displeased they are undermining him at work (as it looks to him) - now he's voiced it and has cheered up. But it's still in his personality.