AIBU to be very pissed off when a new man starts trying to 'gently' advise on changes to my hair/dress style?

[beaglesaresweet]

I'm very curious whether majority of modern women are like that, or is it just me being over-sensitive and over-reacting?
I mainly mean a new man you just started dating or a BF or a few months. This didn't happen on my LTRs really - they may have expressed a preferance for me having my hair up or down but it was in no way pushy and it wasn't insisting on ONLY their choice.
But I had at least TWO men who I dated (one new and the other I knew for a while), trying to impose their views by (when hugging/kissing) for example pushing my hair off my face into a pony tail (I hate that, I don't like all of my hair back and face completely exposed) - he did it twice even though he saw me shaking out of it, it was all done very gently but I still hated it that he didn't ask or whatever but just did what HE thinks suits me or he likes. 'It's just nice like this' while I know (and so hairdressers ) that it's not what suits me - I don't think it is! The other one told me that I don't dress 'to my advantage' meaning I'm hiding my 'good figure' - I'm not actually hiding but in no way it's my style to wear very tight or short clothes, I go for fitted though so not at all baggy! Also I like to be dynamic so I don't wear heels much but it's all good quality stuff - he commented that 'yes, I know you go for practical clothes' - I'm not in an overall ffs! they are designer slim jeans and fitted tops but understated. He was much older though.

I want to scream 'this is ME, it's MY style' and bugger off if you don't like it. If I wanted it different, I'd do it. Both men professed to really fancy/like me and one even being in love at that point - though admittedly both were not quite getting what they wanted (sex) at the time - was that some sort of veiled resentment? I think they just felt entitled to mould a woman to what their taste was evem though she didn't ask for it and even though they liked her. I wouldn't never do it to the man I was crazy about or very attarcted to at least. What the heck? I'd feel I had no right to dictate him - only if he asked advice.

How common is this, and am I being precious? I'm not going to change as to me for some reason it's a vey strong /feminist issue, but am I still over-reacting? Otoh don't they realise that it's a veiled criticism and also is controlling?

He's sounding egotistical. Someone who thinks they are indispensable at work and are better al ALL the jobs than anyone else are usually wrong and a pain in the bum to work with as they don't do democracy and going with the majority opinion.
In a new relationship if someone I had just started a relationship with wanted to put a vase of flowers in a particular place I'd let them even if it wasn't where I'd choose to put them. they're just flowers ffs. He sounds as though he lacks the ability to see the bigger picture.

rebecca, exactly he say he's indispensible at work, that he turned the company around and that without him it'll be a mess! I didn't comment as I can't really judge that without knowing it all, but I'm pretty sure he is not indispensible and if they had to they could find someone similarly good (he's not THE boss, and the boss is intelligent enough), but although yes he works gardener than anyone (time spent at work, physical effort), he can't be reasonably thinking that they all aer not as good.
It wasn't a vase with flowers, just a decorative piece standing in my room, I don't mind him having opinions on this, but I didn't like him dismissing my views and saying 'I know better' pretty much.

harder, not 'gardener'!

Love, you REALLY need to listen to your instincts!

Yes, I don't think you need to give him more opportunities. I think you got the exact measure of him.

Gosh you're not being unreasonable AT ALL!

They can fuck off if they don't like me exactly as I am. I'd be horrified if someone made comments along these lines, it smacks of 'improving'.

No-one is indespensible at work. If he went under a bus today, they'd get the job done tomorrow somehow.

This chap doesn't sound very good at all, too controlling already for what is a newish relationship. He knows better????

springy, 'improving' is exactly the word I was looking at!

Yes, Hissy, Lweji and Rasp, I will haev to take the plunge within the next week and have the talk - will still suggest to him to revert to friendship, hope he d agree.

Yanbu providing I (bloke) don't have to put up with any more of similar from future partners. Ex wife was probably worst - haircut and dress standards dictated - total ban on any footwear without laces, etc. Not doing that again.

Hmmm, his attitude to his work and commenting on arrangement of things in your home would ring alarm bells for me!! Sounds like he has a need to control everything and always thinks he is right. Best case scenario he could just be a very creative type, who excels in his field (presumably an aesthetics/design field?) and finds it hard to leave work in the office, combined with lack of social skills. Worst case scenario he is an arrogant control freak who thinks he knows best and will try to micromanage every element of your life! Or he's somewhere between the 2. I think the only way to find out is to clearly state how you feel when he makes comments or gives unwanted advice e.g. 'Please don't rearrange my hair, I don't like it and it makes me uncomfortable' or 'Thanks for the advice about the vase but I prefer it my way. I'll ask when I want your professional opinion.' If he doesn't respect this, or tries to argue, I'd stop seeing him. But don't expect him to read your mind or sense when you're uncomfortable. He may just lack social awareness and think he is being helpful.

Re hair and clothes, I still think you were over-reacting a bit; you sound very defensive and quick to interpret a comment as a veiled insult. If you feel sexy, attractive and happy with your appearance, why would it bother you if a man makes a comment about hair or suggests a new dress? Just shrug it off or ignore. People will always give you unwanted advice about all sorts of things. If hair being tucked behind your ears upsets you so much, just tell him. But I do think it's overreacting to judge him based on this action alone, as most women don't mind their hair being played with/rearranged and he probably has no idea how it made you feel. If you're sensitive about your appearance and advice/comments affect your self-esteem, it's best to say so clearly and ask him to refrain from commenting at all. If he doesn't respect this, or is dismissive, that's the time to judge him (and run a mile!)

Haha! I have to say that it's my female friends and acquaintances who are guilty of this far more than the men! Every time I hear someone telling me about her plans to 'improve' her new partner, I feel like screaming! I jsut want to shake them and ask, 'if you didn't like the whole package in the first place, why did you get with them, woman!?'

Surprised to hear many men actually do this.

By itself the hair thing could be overlooked. But the op has been having doubts about this man for a while and it's everything together.
If you aren't comfortable, definitely trust your instincts.

yes, I'm building up to a break-up, my concerm being that he is too changeable (from very open , nice, kind to somewhat bossy and coldish/in sour mood ranting about work a lot which affects him on and off - I don't want to be adapting to that long term), but I'm still VERY affected by chemistry and lust. How the heck to shake that off and why isn't it diminishing despite all the cons? maybe I've just been single for too long!

My husband often picks my clothes for me if we go shopping or are going out. He has much better taste than i do and i always look better if he helps me get dressed :)

He also does my hair mainly because all i can do is straighten it or put it in a bun. He can do all sorts of elaborate things nd makes it look pretty.

Sometimes its not controllin at least not if youve been together a long time sometimes it might just be advice. My dh often tells me i never make much of an effort but i dont care and say i cant be bothered and he still loves me and finds me attractive.

Plus when i do make it an effort it has a bigger impact lol

You're scared of his reaction this soon in?

Fast forward a year, 5, 10... Then see yourself scared of your own shadow, asking his approval on brand of fucking toothpaste and questioning if You really DO need to leave the house today, or if staying indoors for days/weeks at a time is healthy

That's the life this guy will have you leading.

Rip off the plaster. Dump him now and then focus on yourself and healing from it.

Every day that you delay is a day that makes it harder to get out, a day you kick yourself for.

Hissy I got your point earlier - but I think you've got your wires crossed. What house? we don't live together, been dating for a few weeks. I just come to his (or he to mine) for a drink or a cup of tea bt obviously enough time to get a bit steamy. We do go out too! Abnd so do I on my own, Why do you think I don't leave the house? it's my house anyway and I'm not an office worker if that's what you mean.
I'm not scared of his reaction either! I just said I'd like to stay friends and would be sad if he refuses, but Irealise that if that's hte case, I'd just have to move on.
As I say, It's mainly lust and the fact he s been helpful and making an effort with me from the start and seemed a good guy but I'm now getting more of the measure of him, he's got a massive chip on his shoulder at work and really it's all down to him knowing best and wanting to be in charge even though it's not his own co.
pineapple, that's very different. You are ASKING for his asvice and you know his taste is better. I'm very happy with my own taste especially when it comes to clothes and also my own appearnce. As I say I do go to hairdresser's too and take their advice too on how my (fine) hair can be styled - it has limitations. But I know what I like and am comfortable with. Similar with my house but I'm more open to advice there IF I'm not sure on something. So his taste is not better than mine, but we both have strong tastes of our own. He doesn't consult me either when buying his clothes but he is interested whether I like something hewears but fleetingly. I've been single for a while and before that my long term ex wouldn't do this so I'm not used to it and don't like it. Ir's absolutely fine if a couple is happy to advise each other, but it's also nice that he doesn't nag you and still accepts your lack of efforts. I think this guy would nag in a gentle way - I just see how he is about work issues, he just doesn't accept anyone else's point of view and thinks he's the only one in the right he's not eve nthough he has some valid points there), so I can see what his mentality is like - he's not yet really bossy with me because I'm new and exciting to him (he was also single for a bit) and he doesn't want to piss me off. He still sees me as a 'prize' in these early days.

Sorry, think I didn't make myself clear enough, I said about fast forwarding so that you see where the kind of behaviour he is showing you leads to if you end up a couple that live together...

Men like this bloke will wear you down and eradicate every bit of YOU that exists. I'm not attacking you, I'm saying that I've had this at first hand, I spent 10 years with someone who wasn't as quick to control me as yours is to control you. I ended up agoraphobic and terrified of everyone and everything. Took years to build myself back up.

I was a high earning professional with my own flat in London. I ended up a very different person thanks to him. I don't want another soul to fall for another manipulative idiot. Him telling you what to wear, how to arrange your stuff is the thinnest of grin ends of the wedge. He will get worse.

I wouldn't like this at all, especially the hair thing. I don't want people playing with or touching my hair, end of discussion.
As for the clothes, I think it's ok to express a preference, but thats as far as it goes, really.
I'm single and don't date (probably just as well ) but I dress for comfort and wouldn't consider changing that for anyone.

ah ok, I got it now, Hissy, thanks for sharing. Yes I do think it's a thin end of the wedge, thankfully his work isssues have just blown up and I've seen how full on he's there with his 'I know best' mentality, he seroiusly thinks everyone is at fault apart from him even though he's been aggressive towards them but 'I do more than anyone else does' 0 so I'm very wary of his 'doing' stuff and offering a lot of help to me, seems like that's his way if operating so that he feels the right then to tell everyone. I am holding hin at an arm's length but as I say, so far haven't cut it off as chemistry still there but also let him sort his work issues which have been vert dramatic in last few days, I think it's be a bit evil to knock him with this too - after al he is really not a bad person, and is very hardworking, it's just I think he has either anger issues or chip on his shoulder (basically doesn't like that he can't be the boss).

noeffing, yes, to me comfort is a priority too as otherwise I'm not relaxed and not feeling sexy (unless it's a formal occasion and I have to), but I still make some effort to dress with a bit of imagination or least wear something well fitted - it's a challenge in itself. To me sexiness is all about unrestricted movement and being able to be dynamic, but I realise everyone has different tastes. My role models ar women who are very much their own person and have that 'not bothered with competing or jumping through hoops' while retaining natural elegance, but obviously it's just my own choice. So a guy either goes for this or he doesn't - I'm not making anyone. I think anyone over 40 is not going to be just moulded suddenly unless they enjoy being submissive (fair play to them).

sorry for lots of typos