Am I a horrible neighbour or a bad mother

[dilki93]

I live in a flat with my 2 kids and as normal kids would they are very active and love running around.

My downstairs neighbour does not like this and she rang my door bell twice saying I should stop my 2 year old running around in the house as it is very noisy and disturbs her, and the worst thing is every time my child runs across the room or dances to her favourite music or jions in with her favourite TV programme my neighbour bangs her celing so hard my whole flat shakes.

I feel so guilty of disturbing my neighbour, and stressed about her banging I stopped playing music to my kids so they can't dance, they are not allowed to join in with (Tree-fu Tom) TV programms. When my kids run around in their own house I have to stop them and get them to sit down and do painting/drawing or play with building blocks which they get board so quickly. I try taking them out as much as I can but they still love running around in the house.

I feel so bad that I have to stop my children playing in their own house and contantly telling them not to run and disturb other people.

Atenco "Well unfortunately neither side can win here,"

but there can be a massive improvement with easy compromises - matting, timings etc. I would guess that the neighbour banging on the ceiling makes a similar noise for the OP as the noise from the children running around - and the OP said herself that the neighbour doing that makes her flat shake! Thick mats will make a huge difference, or underlay etc.

It may be the case that it can be sorted in quite a straightforward friendly way.

I think it's a good compromise to regularly take small children out. I have two under threes and we are at a playgroup/park/beach at least once a day so they are more calm at home. We are in a house so it's just for their benefit really but it isn't good for kids to be cooped up all day, the odd day maybe but not regularly.

Even the fresh air of a walk is better than nothing. If you are doing that then your neighbour should put up with normal noise the rest of the time.

Miserable old snatch and tyrant??
My god, how nasty! no this woman isn't.
I bet anyone on here would be fucking miserable if someone above them was jumping on their ceiling throughout the day!
Noone is saying the child has to stop playing or enjoying their childhood.
Stop jumping and running in the house is not unreasonable.
I didn't do this and i grew up in a house! I also was reminded when i saw my aunt who lived in a flat.
I stayed there for the weekend twice a month or more and was able to play without doing these things.
Amazingly my friends who live in flats manage it.
Not everybody who live in flats can just move out and buy somewherelse.
I suffer disabilities this would drive me nuts and not only impact on them ( as i have to sleep for periods during the day) but also on my mental health.
I have no choice on leaving the house, i'm lucky if i can get out the house twice a week.
Theres been loads of suggestions on here.
I wonder if the people on here who are basically saying screw her, would be the same if it were happening to them and were severely impacting on them and their childrens lives?
Stopping them taking naps in the day etc?

does it depend if its a purpose built flat or conversion? i lived in a flat and kids used to riot round the flat under the carpet/laminated flooring it looked like concrete and not floorboards. never ever had any complaints.

but seems to be quite alot of theses sorts of threads. i dont get why people live in flats if they exspect silence.but i guess if theses people were in houses their neighbours would not be allowed to use their gardens.

i did once have a complaint when i was in a house. neighbour complained about kids on trampoline.told her to report me. never heard anything back

Because some people do not have much of a choice where they live.
I'd love to live in a huge mansion but that is unlikely.

How loud can a bare foot dancing 2 year old actually be? I get you have to be aware of your neighbours when you're in a flat, but that doesn't give your downstairs neighbours carte blanche to be precious. Unless of course, it's moshing at 3am.

Thanks everyone for all your advice and comments. I have carpets in my flat. I totally understand that living in a flat needs compramises, and as some of you thought my DC is not running or dancing all day long, I have foam mats and even a thin mettress on the floor that they can play. I am teaching my kids running is for outdoors and not for indoors, but unfortunately a little 2 year olds don't do as they are taught all the time

All last summer my upstairs man drilled his flat fitting some kitchen units day and night, as and when he is free to do it. He has laminate flooring and every night he drags his sofa bed across the room.So I understand what it is like when you have noises above your head. But I am not complanning.

We do not wear shoes indoors and my kids go to bed at 7.30 at night, so no noise after 7.30. As some of you suggest I allow the kids to play on the sofa and jump in on the beds. I take them out all the time. When I mentioned music I ment kids nursery rhymes and songs and no they are not dancing around for some rock n' roll music in the flat all day round as some of you thought. I do not own a CD player, and I always teach my kids to respect others.

Finally I thought to add that my downstairs has a dog (we are not allowed to have dogs in the building) that wakes me up at 2/3 o'clock most of the nights.

Well, it must be horrible to be housebound, kali, but certainly in the building I live in, the ones that complain about the noise of children playing are just people who love complaining and believe that children should be seen and not heard. It is nothing to do with how delicate they are or how rowdy the children are.

It's better for kids to let off steam in a park where they can make all the noise they like.

Fresh air is also excellent and a change of scene is essential for mental health.

I think you all have cabin fever tbh. Time to take it outside!

You sound extremely selfish. If you can't bear the noise of her banging on the ceiling, why in god's name do you expect her to put up with the horrendous noise of your child running, jumping and dancing all day?

Yes, you absolutely can stop a child running indoors, to all those who say you can't. It's called "discipline" and "making them do what they are told". Try it some time. A child does not need to jump and dance. If you've made the decision to live in a flat when you have young children but you still want your child to run about, you need to take it to the park. You simply can not do with children in a flat everything that you can do in a house. If you want to make that kind of noise, live in a house.

Living underneath selfish people like you is an utter nightmare.

I'm so sick of being told that people should put up with things like this because it's "normal" behaviour. It may well be normal in terms of child development, but that does not mean it is "acceptable" in terms of manners, politeness and consideration. The two are different, but are becoming blurred. See also "tantrums".

Bulbasaur

You're more mature than I. I would have jumped up and down on the floor out of spite.

Part of renting is that you have neighbors you can hear. It's just part of the deal. If she doesn't like it she needs to either buy a house or accept that this is her current situation and make the best of it.

Are you in the UK?

Why do you assume flats = renting, house = buying?

And why do you think tenants just have to lump noisy neighbours?

And you make it sound like people rent because they CBA to buy

You've really baffled me.

What I mean is; Where does it say the downstairs neighbour isn't an o/occupier? And why does that matter?

I am on the fence. I can see both your points of view. In an ideal world your kids could run about all they like but things are different in a flat (I live in one too). I am lucky that an elderly man lives above me, but I can still hear him walking about, taking a wee etc, so god knows how bad it would be to have running and jumping.

Can you try and get them outdoors a bit more?

My upstairs neighbour is noisy sometimes, if I need to sleep (which often happens due to disabilities), I use earplugs, and if I am watching television or listening to music, I turn it up.

All sorts of noise is par for the course when you live so closely with others: DIY, talking in communal areas, the bed banging against the wall and that screamer, my neighbour with tourettes, babies crying, children playing, music or television on, and so on.

Try to limit it to daytime hours, so that people get reasonable sleep and find ways to make it less intrusive, like carpet or soundproofing, or talking to your neighbour so that you can both work together to make sure both of you can live your normal lives without it negatively impacting on one more than the other.

I think assuming that tennents should put up with hassle is wrong.

I live in an old house with extremely thick walls.
My garden is huge.

Behind me the neighbours have bought their house and again have a very big garden.

I cannot stress how much noise they make, not children but the man and woman in their 50s.

I do not sit In my back garden because of the shouting and screaming.

Seriously you would be hard pressed to find a property with a bigger garden .

Last week there was smoke bellowing out of his incinerator, he did not have the lid on.

I had to shut all of my windows it was so bad.

I am renting and do not intend to stay here.

The house is lovely but I can't tolerate the shouting and screaming of these selfish people. I have even heard them when I sit in my lounge.

Lord knows how there next door neighbours cope.

Op I feel sorry for you as the stress must be awful.

why should the neighbour's needs for peace and quiet trump the children's needs to move around and play?

Children can still play, move around and have fun without making excessive noise. They just need to learn to do it quietly, with respect for people living below. No-one is saying the kids shouldn't play or that they must be silent... but jumping and running is unnecessary.

Apart from one bad experience, I've lived in flats below children who were very quiet and respectful... I still heard 'everyday noise' like voices, babies crying, recorder practice, soft footsteps, the odd bang or thump or tantrum... but no running, no jumping, no ball games or anything that made my ceiling shake. It's not inevitable that kids disturb downstairs neighbours. If OP's kids have been allowed to run, jump and dance indoors up until now, it will take time to teach and reinforce acceptable indoor behaviours... but they need to learn. Just have a rule 'no running or jumping indoors' and reinforce it until they learn.

How loud can a bare foot dancing 2 year old actually be?

Horrifically loud if the sound-proofing is poor. It can sound like someone hitting the floor with a hammer. When I had noisy neighbours above, their toddler running across the room was loud enough to wake me up.
My advice is have strict indoor rules, and take kids out for anything that involves jumping and running. You have the option of going out to do these things, but your neighbour may be stuck indoors unable to escape the noise.

I'm cabin crew and I notice on the planes that some parents seem oblivious to their little darlings hurtling around, being noisy and kicking seats, other parents are very aware and have games/books/toys to distract them, tell them off for kicking, and interact with the people being disturbed to apologise and show they're trying. A two year old can make a heck of a lot of noise (from what I remember as an au pair!).

But OP you do sound as though you're trying really hard to keep the noise limited and work things out. Would it be worth going to speak to your neighbour and telling her you're trying to limit noise etc. (and pointing out that you hear her dog in the middle of the night too!)

My parents are having an awful time with their upstairs nrighbiur. Music blasting out, sex all night until 5/6am dogs barking till gone 1am. That sort of thing is absolutely not on but children playing during dancey time id say there is nothing wrong with!

I think you have done things to help stop sound travelling with the rug and mattress etc however jumping on the beds and being underneath that can be extremely loud.
It isn't their fault that your upstairs neighbour was loud (yes your neighbour was unreasonable by drilling at night).

I've had horribly noisy neighbours in the past to the extent I've had to buy ear defenders in order to sleep but I also understand that children make noise.

At the moment We have upstairs neighbours who have a 4/5 year old. She often runs around the flat. I can cope with that. What I find inconsiderate, and think the parents should try to limit, is her parents chasing her around the fiat playing 'monsters' (we can hear them saying the monster is coming) and letting her jump off the furniture. Surely they must realise that people live below them, that that must disturb us and that that behaviour is silly given they have a garden and trampoline for those activities.

But I now have a Newborn who I expect she annoys them when she cries.

Ultimately it's about having consideration for others and accepting that in flats you have to deal with some noise.

What I find inconsiderate, and think the parents should try to limit, is her parents chasing her around the fiat playing 'monsters' (we can hear them saying the monster is coming) and letting her jump off the furniture

You have my sympathy. It's very inconsiderate of them to play games like that in an upstairs flat. At 4/5 she's old enough to understand there are neighbours below, I can't believe the parents encourage her to run and jump off furniture! Either they're oblivious to how it sounds in your flat, or they're too selfish to care. I'd be knocking on their door for a chat!

A newborn crying is totally different, you can't help that (and it doesn't shake the ceiling!)

Lilac I dint think they encourage her to jump off the furniture (or squel when being chased - I forgot that) I think they just don't care that people live below them. Thankfully the monster game doesn't happen too much albeit the running happens pretty much every evening

I have exactly the same situation. neighbor downstairs keep banging my floor-his ceiling every time my kids would run or play with toys (6 and 8) 8am-8pm. I feel like I am working for him, trying to keep my kids quiet. I own this place over 2 years and if I knew how my life would look like, I would never buy this flat. This situation kills me.
Reading some comments I am wondering what this people are doing in mumsnet forum, people with no parenting experience should stay quiet in this case.
Recently my neighbor said that I shouldn't talk to him because I am mean person. And all of this because someone build cheap flats to make money.

Do you rent, dilki? If you do, or have a lease, it will probably set out some times when the building should be quiet. The implication is that 'normal' noise is fine outside the quiet time.