Am I a horrible neighbour or a bad mother

[dilki93]

I live in a flat with my 2 kids and as normal kids would they are very active and love running around.

My downstairs neighbour does not like this and she rang my door bell twice saying I should stop my 2 year old running around in the house as it is very noisy and disturbs her, and the worst thing is every time my child runs across the room or dances to her favourite music or jions in with her favourite TV programme my neighbour bangs her celing so hard my whole flat shakes.

I feel so guilty of disturbing my neighbour, and stressed about her banging I stopped playing music to my kids so they can't dance, they are not allowed to join in with (Tree-fu Tom) TV programms. When my kids run around in their own house I have to stop them and get them to sit down and do painting/drawing or play with building blocks which they get board so quickly. I try taking them out as much as I can but they still love running around in the house.

I feel so bad that I have to stop my children playing in their own house and contantly telling them not to run and disturb other people.

Maybe you could reach a compromise with your neighbour, ie. an agreed 'noisy time'. It might help your neighbour to know that the annoyance will end at a certain time. Part of her stress is probably wondering how long your TV, 'music' and other children's noise will continue.

What's wrong with teaching your children consideration for other people? Explain to them that while they're having fun, they're disturbing other people, so they need to think about others. When they're teenagers, for example, are you going to let them play loud music because 'they like it'? If you were on a quiet train, would you let them play an annoying game on a tablet or phone because they're 'having fun'?

You need to have a proper grown up chat to your neighbour about this and reach a compromise. Just to be clear, she also needs to compromise, too.

If your neighbour is anything like mine they won't compromise. I would just get your child into screens when inside and then take them out a lot.

We aren't allowed cd players, annuL

I feel for you, it must be so hard. Obviously the mats/rugs and getting out as much as possible is the best option.
Thought i'd post this for a bit of humour - You could be worse!

I think you both need to work out a compromise, eg your toddler dances/ runs about at approximately x,y,z times, but at a,b,c times she's guaranteed some peace. And get a cheap foam camping/gym mat to muffle the dancing a bit.
Sorry if I'm reading it wrong but if it is all day the 2yr old is home (and making the noise 2yr olds do) then I think that is a bit unreasonable for everyone, they need to go out and let off some steam regardless of the neighbours.

Could you go in to her and talk and listen to the noise?
Sorry but sitting under a child jumping on the floor above my head would drive me crazy.
But try talking to her as these situations don't go away on their own.

and when he gets to preschool/school it wont be tolerated at all

Huh? There are pre-schools that don't let children run around? Mine certainly does...

OP I empathise. I remember the hell of living in a top floor flat with a sound sensitive neighbour below me. My son was not allowed to run around but two year olds are not best at quiet walking. Well not mine who as it turned out has SPD. I was always getting at him to walk quietly and I was tiptoeing all the time. But when my baby started crawling she would go mental banging the ceilings. There was carpet and underlay and badly too.

Thing is about people who live above you in a flat is that they walk. They can't fucking hover above the floors.

Outside is for running, we are detached and my boys aren't allowed to run inside. Have you got carpet, underlay and rugs down? There needs to be give and take on both sides, but if it's been going on a while your neighbour may have become hyper sensitive to the noise. I'd ask to go in their flat to see how bad it is.

I feel for you, but I'm with your neighbour on this one. The sound of children running/jumping in a flat can be disruptive and very upsetting for neighbours.

Years ago I lived in a flat with a toddler in flat above... and I moved out because of the constant noise! He was allowed to run and jump all day and as a result I could never relax or switch off. I couldn't concentrate when I was studying or reading. I was often woken at night by him charging around (hardwood floors) because he ran up and down it sounded like someone was repeatedly striking my ceiling with a hammer!! I'd often end up sobbing with frustration because I was trying to finish my dissertation and the running/jumping/banging would go on for hours and hours. Please don't underestimate the impact your DC's noise has on your neighbour, or how loud it sounds in her flat. I agree it's rude that she thumps on the ceiling, but she sounds at the end of her tether.

You chose to live in a flat with a toddler... so I think it's reasonable to try and minimise disturbance to other residents. What sort of flooring do you have? Can you improve sound-proofing, e.g. get acoustic chipboard or mineral wool put down between floorboards? Can you get some heavy-duty rubber mats for the floors, or interlocking foam play mats? Do your DC remove shoes indoors?

I also feel there is no real 'need' for children to run around and jump indoors. In an ideal world of course they would run, jump and play noisily wherever they like, but when it's disturbing others (who have a right to peace and quiet) parents need to think of neighbours too. Presumably your DC have opportunities to run around in the park, playgrounds, soft-play etc? Can you take them out more, e.g. for long walks or to toddler-groups or dance sessions where they can be as noisy as they like and let off steam? Then at home you could teach 'quiet feet' and remind them 'we don't run and jump indoors because there's someone living underneath us'. That way your DC still get plenty of exercise, and your neighbour gets peace and quiet in her home. If you really feel strongly about their 'right' to run and jump indoors, I suggest moving to a ground-floor flat.

It's also worth asking your neighbour if there are certain rooms or times that the noise disturbs her more. I'm assuming your DC aren't allowed to run between 11pm-7am, but maybe there are times of day when she needs quiet, e.g. does she have an afternoon nap, does she like to watch a favourite TV programme at a certain time or needs quiet to make a phone call? If she knows you're respectful of her schedule and need for quiet time, she might be more tolerant of your noise or suggest times when she's out or when a few hours of running/jumping won't bother her.

What time does the noise/playing and running in your flat start and finish Op?

I have a bit of sympathy for you and your neighbour to be honest. We live in a middle floor flat and the noise from the downstairs neighbour's 2 children is bloody horrendous. They only moved in in December and we'd been spoiled until then with older neighbours.
Our son was 2 and a half when we moved into these flats but he was never as noisy (which is possibly because he was an only child - I don't know!)
It must be frustrating for your neighbour to constantly feel as if they never get any peace and quiet and equally as frustrating for you to have to try and keep your child quiet.
Unfortunately, that's the pain of living in a flat, you have to consider your neighbours!

If you don't like any noise then you shouldn't live in a flat imo.

The fact that you play music knowing it will be loudly danced to makes you Unreasonable. Play games that involve strategy, balance, timing.....having loud, wild kids does not equal being a 'fun mum'......they need to use their imagination as well.

If you don't like any noise then you shouldn't live in a flat imo

Some noise is inevitable. The sound of people walking around, doors opening and closing, babies crying, showers on, washing-machines, voices etc... these sounds are part and parcel of living in a flat.
But running and jumping is not inevitable. Children do not NEED to run/jump indoors. They can be taught to walk quietly in a flat and to have respect for downstairs neighbours. Running, jumping, dancing and noisy play can be kept for outdoors or more suitable places.

It's not about elimination of all noise, it's about minimising unnecessary noise so everyone can enjoy their homes.

YABU. Noisy neighbours made my life a misery, i couldn't sleep, had headaches, felt sick. I ended up having panic attacks from being totally unable to switch off and relax in my own home.

The OP is NOT bu.

I'm sorry you suffered from noisy neighbours, but if they made non "normal daytime" noises, like playing loud music, shouting ect, then that's not the same as the OP's situation.

If you're anxiety was brought on from the normal noise associated living in flats, then your neighbours weren't acting unreasonably I'm afraid. not that I'm trying to downplay your problems, but if this is the case then that's part of parcel when living in flats, and really it would have been your anxiety that needs addressed, rather than the average noise of everyday living.

I suppose I am projecting a bit. Our neighbour won't allow hardly any sound. He moans about man upstairs owning a sliding door. He spent £200 on solicitors trying to get the other neighbour to give up his budgie. In the end neighbour just gave it away.

We aren't allowed visitors or to go outside with children or he says he will ring police/we will be kicked out by Monday (even though we are all homeowners!)

I was on a ground floor flat when my DD was newborn, they were meant to be soundproofed but weren't. I often wondered about the noise we were making. No one ever complained but I could hear the guy above me stomping around like an elephant at all hours. He couldn't help it though, the carpets were thin, he was a very tall and quite large man, and really the noise was just from him WALKING so I couldn't complain. I think you're being a normal neighbour out and should let your kids be kids as long as they aren't jumping off furniture onto the floor or playing music excessively loud, your neighbour is being unreasonable, not you. Banging on her ceiling must frighten your DC. If you know that your family are just making a normal level of noise then carry on.

I expect from.your comments you have no children yet lilac. You wait until you are writing dissertations or similar pieces of work whilst looking after your children on your own. You will probably look at the above situation and laugh.

Dojo does your preschool let them run around in normal " house sized rooms" when ever they like? Surely running is outdoor or in the "hall" or what ever the special room for it is?

I would definitely try to stop my DC jumping and running around all of the time in your situation. I liked sometimes idea up thread about a limited 'loud play time' so your neighbour knows when it might finish. That plus getting out and about a lot means your child won't be missing out. I think you both need to compromise here.

Dojo does your preschool let them run around in normal " house sized rooms"

The pre-school my son attends doesn't take place in 'house sized rooms' - I'm not aware of any that do to be honest.

YABU

I live in a ground floor flat, I can hear the people upstairs walking around, it makes a ridiculous thunking noise. They are both young professionals so obviously no running/jumping/dancing. I wouldn't dream of complaining - some noise in a flat is inevitable.

Running around and dancing upstairs all day would drive me absolutely insane.

If you can't cope with her knocking on her ceiling why do you expect her to cope with your kids thumping on the floor? I bet if she was constantly making noise that disturbed your kids you'd be upset. There are lots of ways you could minimise the impact - take them outside to run around, make sure the floor is well insulated, ask if there are certain times noise would disturb her less, see if the noise is less bad if you limit their loud activities to certain rooms that aren't directly above where she is.

Making a lot of noise in a shared building isn't really fair IMO. Some noise is to be expected but not constant.

Can you compromise? Ask them to keep it down a little bit? I have a noisy DS, but luckily we live in the basement and have had no complaints. I'm trying to teach him to keep it down before 8am though.

I'm with your neighbour, I've never understood this idea that living in flats means you have to accept extra noise. I think we can all work to be quiet and decent and considerate and that we should.

I also think that footsteps - I've had this problem with high heels on the wooden floors next door - are the worst - unpredictable etc etc and much worse than the hum of voices or TV. Some parents don't seem to teach their DC any consideration at all and they thunder along so loudly, I was stunned when I first started taking GD to parties and what not.

I would say put down as much thick matting as possible, don't let your DC run around pointlessly (small flat? Lots of hazards there anyway). Dancing yes, I get that, but the thick matting should solve the problem, and make sure they take their shoes off.

If her banging on the ceiling upsets you, imagine how she is feeling.

I don't think normal playing should be stopped as your son is just a child and growing up, but jumping up and down shouldn't be allowed, nor running.
I visited my aunt in a flat for 18 years every weekend from when i were born. I was taught i was not to run or jump because of the people below. I can only imagine what it must be like for her when your child is jumping up and down.
Must make her house shake like yours does when she bangs your ceilings.
Maybe do as people suggest, let your little one have noisy play at certain times, maybe at the weekends.