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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a horrible neighbour or a bad mother

103 replies

dilki93 · 27/08/2015 01:18

I live in a flat with my 2 kids and as normal kids would they are very active and love running around.

My downstairs neighbour does not like this and she rang my door bell twice saying I should stop my 2 year old running around in the house as it is very noisy and disturbs her, and the worst thing is every time my child runs across the room or dances to her favourite music or jions in with her favourite TV programme my neighbour bangs her celing so hard my whole flat shakes.

I feel so guilty of disturbing my neighbour, and stressed about her banging I stopped playing music to my kids so they can't dance, they are not allowed to join in with (Tree-fu Tom) TV programms. When my kids run around in their own house I have to stop them and get them to sit down and do painting/drawing or play with building blocks which they get board so quickly. I try taking them out as much as I can but they still love running around in the house.

I feel so bad that I have to stop my children playing in their own house and contantly telling them not to run and disturb other people.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 27/08/2015 12:14

19 it wasn't normal day time noises. It was two small children being allowed to scream non stop, play with noisy toys, put the tv on at full blast etc from 6 am weekends and night times included. The mother would shout as well and her parents would shout too as the Father was partially deaf. As I said it made me ill.

19lottie82 · 27/08/2015 12:17

Pinky, with the greatest respect, you can't call the OP unreasonable based on your situation, which sounds totally different.

BlackeyedSusan · 27/08/2015 12:19

running and jumping and stamping are banned, but the man downstairs has to put up with the rest. I put up with his noisy tv. next doors phlem. etc.

I have mats and carpet, but there is everyday noise that can not be stopped.

ISpidersmanYouMeanPirate · 27/08/2015 12:24

We have this problem.

We stop the boys running round and round and allow them to jump and dance on the sofas and all beds. We also take them out twice a day.

Also no toys rolling on the wooden floors- only on rugs.

Our neighbors used to complain several times a day and now it's once a month.

It's annoying but on holiday they could run without disturbing neighbors and I still didn't like them running around- it's dangerous and gets them wound up.

car0line123 · 27/08/2015 12:52

Totally with the neighbour on that one, kids shouldn't really run and jump around indoors, that's what parks are for.

I would never have bought a flat where the lease allows people to put wooden flooring, it's just not bearable.

Being in a flat, you have to put up with some noises at midday and evenings when mums are busy cooking, not all kids happy to play quietly with legos/ puzzles/ books. However, if the kids spend enough time outside, they don't have so much energy to spend inside.

It does go both way: I hope your neighbour is quiet herself, and not having loud music/ parties in the evening when you try to put the kids to sleep!

MissMooMoo · 27/08/2015 13:05

what time of the day is it happening?
1pm that's fine, 1am on the other hand is NOT.
my neighbours have a 3 year old who has no bed time, they also live in a flat above us.
at my wits end with them!!

Atenco · 27/08/2015 13:09

Some noise is inevitable. The sound of people walking around, doors opening and closing, babies crying, showers on, washing-machines, voices etc... these sounds are part and parcel of living in a flat

Unfortunately it is part and parcel of living in modern flats, I blame the architects. I live in a building that was built in the late 1940s and hardly hear anything of my neighbours.

mygrandchildrenrock · 27/08/2015 13:12

I used to live in an upstairs flat with two small dc. I think 2 yr olds do often run, rather than walk, and it would be very hard to teach a toddler to always walk. A 3 yr old might be different.
People don't usually choose to live in flats with young children, often no choice is involved. I remember the happiness and relief I felt when we got a house when the dc were 5 and 1.
Children play, they skip, run, dance and jump. They also have quiet times, which I'm sure the OP's dc does too. As long as dc go to bed at a relatively normal time and the noise stops then I certainly don't think the OP is bu or is a bad mother, not at all.

Sleepybeanbump · 27/08/2015 13:50

Before you dismiss your neighbour as being unreasonable, why not visit her flat while someone walks/runs/jumps in yours.

If you have hard floors you may be surprised by how bad the noise is.

Sgtmajormummy · 27/08/2015 14:04

Shoes off in the house, slippers/crocs and slipper-socks. Keeps the floors cleaner too.

mygrandchildrenrock · 27/08/2015 14:20

Even if the noise is bad in the neighbour's flat, I don't see what the OP is expected to do with a 2 yr old.
The thought of a toddler being kept still/quiet seems very unreasonable.
Thick carpets and rugs would be a good idea though.

Jo4040 · 27/08/2015 14:25

Absolutely BALLS to her. She was a child once. Let your kids play. If they were at it DAY and night then that's different, but kids are kids and they need to burn energy of and move.

What an absolute miserble old tyrant.

Binkybix · 27/08/2015 14:43

OP - you haven't clarified the sort of time your DS is running and jumping.

Given replies, what do you plan to do?

googoodolly · 27/08/2015 14:56

We live in a flat and get noise from downstairs, but unless it's late at night or first thing in the morning, I can't say it bothers me.

But, that's mainly because it's normal noise - doors closing, phone ringing, people going up/down stairs. I wouldn't be impressed if I could hear kids screaming and running around all the time, and jumping on my ceiling would piss me right off.

I grew up in a house and was always taught not to run or jump inside - I had to go to the garden or the park if I wanted to be noisy. I think a certain level of noise is unavoidable, but why would you let your DC essentially jump up and down on someone else's ceiling?

bessarabiantiger · 27/08/2015 15:04

. He moans about man upstairs owning a sliding door. He spent £200 on solicitors trying to get the other neighbour to give up his budgie. In the end neighbour just gave it away.

'm sorry to derail this slightly, but I need clarification on this post: I've always thought sliding doors were for going outside, I now have a vision of sliding door man falling into the garden below every time he goes out.

Am I also the only person who burst out laughing at getting a solicitor to evict a budgie? I know it's awful but the ridiculousness of it made me laugh.

OP there's loads of sound advice here. So I'll add some ridiculous advice. Ask her if she wants to swap flats.

boovmoves · 27/08/2015 15:10

He has sliding door in his flat. It was the previous owners. He drove that couple out. He has been doing this for nearly 50 years just driving all the people out.

We had 5 people round to watch a football match in June. We did the same the following January and had 5 people here for pre drinks and left at 9.30pm. He threatened us with solicitors, said we would be out at Monday as 'gatherings' are banned.

Pets are banned although he has a pet. He said you can have a pet if you write to the leaseholder. He is the leaseholder. Hmm

Jo4040 · 27/08/2015 15:14

Goodgy.. She's not. Their beu GS kids and playing. Dancing. Joining in with programmes like Tree fu Tom.

It's obviously more important to the woman downstairs tho that she cando what ever SHE wants to do, her way. In peace. People like that grate on me. Mostly Do gooders, as long as they arnt being put out.

Miserable old snatch.

AdjustableWench · 27/08/2015 15:56

You can't really stop a two year-old from running and dancing in his/her own home. The neighbour is being completely unreasonable. Eventually the kids will get older and a bit less noisy; she can put up with it until then. Yes, the kids can go out to the park for a few hours - but so can the neighbour.

lorelei9 · 27/08/2015 16:49

yy to the poster who said you should listen to the noise from her flat so you know what she is dealing with.

LilacRain · 27/08/2015 16:51

Eventually the kids will get older and a bit less noisy; she can put up with it until then. Yes, the kids can go out to the park for a few hours - but so can the neighbour

But why should she put up with noise and disturbance in her own home? Why should she have to go to the park to get some peace?? Confused

If kids are allowed to run and jump indoors from a young age, they're unlikely to grow out of it and get quieter (they'll just get bigger and heavier and make more noise, with no respect for people living below!)

Two year olds are capable of learning rules, like no jumping and running indoors. There are so many places you can take them where they can let off steam without making someone else's life a misery!

lorelei9 · 27/08/2015 17:10

Lilac "If kids are allowed to run and jump indoors from a young age, they're unlikely to grow out of it and get quieter (they'll just get bigger and heavier and make more noise, with no respect for people living below!) "

exactly! Where's the "like" button?

Lurkedforever1 · 27/08/2015 17:39

It really does depend on how long the young dc is at home for and therefore how much steam he's letting off banging round the floor. There's a massive difference between one that gets out lots having the odd mad moment and a few dances, and one that's cooped up all day that will understandably be running round a lot.

FanFuckingTastic · 27/08/2015 17:46

It's not as simple as not living in a flat if you don't like noise, often if you have mobility issues, you will be housed in a ground floor flat, if bungalows or adapted houses aren't up first, and you can't refuse them or you risk not being allocated any housing at all.

If you rent privately, then you might get more choice, but even then, it's not always going to be possible to wait for the perfect bungalow to come up.

But I also agree that having to completely limit a child's movements during the day is a bit OTT. I would only complain if it was sustained noise above a certain level either in the early mornings, evenings or through the night.

memememum · 27/08/2015 19:37

As a flat dweller (without soundproofing) for more than 10 years, I think it is crucially important that we allow ourselves to live our lives. We will often overhear each other and it can be annoying, but if we stop, listen and think we will almost always find that the annoying noise is actually the sound of someone living a perfectly reasonable life in their own home... Then you work out how to live with it/minimise it for yourself.

Please allow your children some natural level of physical play in their own home. Depending on your level of concern for your neighbour you could variously:

Pay for underfloor sound proofing and keep kids quiet till it's done/explain they will be playing but it'll get quieter soon

Ask if she'll go halves on it with the 2 options above

Tell her that they will be playing at certain times of day

Explain that they need to play and as its during the day there's nothing wrong with it, shes welcome to get sound proofing

Etc

Atenco · 27/08/2015 19:38

But why should she put up with noise and disturbance in her own home? Why should she have to go to the park to get some peace??

Well unfortunately neither side can win here, but why should the neighbour's needs for peace and quiet trump the children's needs to move around and play?

I hate it when people think that children have absolutely no rights. I have every sympathy for the neighbour, I like peace and quiet as much as the next person, but it shouldn't be all in favour of the adult's peace and quiet here.

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