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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let DD keep her dummy for now?

103 replies

CrohnicallyAspie · 22/08/2015 21:06

She's nearly 3, and has a dummy for night time only. The dentist has pointed out that it is affecting her teeth and recommended that I take it away ASAP.

The problem is, even with the dummy she's a bit of a crap sleeper, I dread to think what will happen when I take it away. She's not too bad at going to sleep (though the past couple of weeks we've had tears at bedtime) but she wakes several times in the night and relies on the dummy to get back off, if she can't find it then she wakes us up. She also usually wants to come in our bed if she wakes in the night, so then we have tears.

I can't realistically have her in my bed long term- I need my alone time in the evenings (I'm autistic) and with my other health problems I need as much sleep as I can get, so I can't face potential teary battles in the night trying to get her back to sleep without it and without her coming into my bed.

I've dropped hints about the 'dummy fairy' but she says she would rather keep her dummy. I even tried switching her dummy for a different shape, figuring she wouldn't get the same comfort and would abandon it herself, but apart from calling it a silly dummy she wasn't bothered!

So WIBU to say I can't face taking it off her now, and wait till she decides she's ready (and meanwhile keep dropping the hints about the dummy fairy?) I mean, she won't still want it when she's a teenager, will she? ignores fact that I sucked my thumb until I was far older than that thankfully it didn't affect my teeth

OP posts:

Original poster

CrohnicallyAspie · 22/08/2015 21:08

Oh, forgot to say, DH is around and could do some of the night time settling, but I can't sleep if I can hear her crying so even if he takes over I would still have disturbed nights.

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3rdSymphony · 22/08/2015 21:13

Yabu. It's affecting her teeth, and really, at that stage, you need to get rid of it. I was absolutely dreading getting my son to stop using his, but we just presented it as 'what happens when you turn three' - the dummy fairy comes the night of your birthday, and leaves you a present. We got him very excited about it, and in the end he decided he wanted to give it to the DF before his birthday, and barring one weepy episode the next night, he was fine.

Your dd may find it harder, obviously, but you need to do this ASAP, regardless of your needs.

Lurkedforever1 · 22/08/2015 21:18

Yanbu. Dd had hers overnight till she turned 3, didn't damage her teeth. We prepared by bigging up how she was a big girl not a baby anymore about loads of stuff, and then spent a few weeks talking about the dummy fairy collecting them for babies and leaving a big girl present. Tbh though if she'd been really against it I'd have left it a month and tried again rather than forcing it. Could you perhaps try transferring the comfort to a favourite cuddly toy in preparation too? Prob helped dd already had one in that role.

Original poster

CrohnicallyAspie · 22/08/2015 21:18

Did your DS rely on it for sleeping through though? As an experiment, she fell asleep in the car without it tonight so I put her straight to bed and she slept for less than 3 hours before waking for it. So I'm imagining a weepy episode (which, knowing DD, can go on for an hour or two), repeated every 3 hours...

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VashtaNerada · 22/08/2015 21:18

There's no such thing as a perfect parent so although yes, you probably should get rid of it if advised to by a dentist don't be too hard on yourself! If it helps, the dummy fairy visited when DS was 3.5 and to our utter shock it worked okay! He has asked for one a couple of times since but accepts our answer and moves on. I had resigned myself to a battle and it was honestly fine.

VashtaNerada · 22/08/2015 21:20

And he used it to help him sleep, to settle himself when waking in the night, when ill or tired... And yet he's managed without. It's amazing

bodenbiscuit · 22/08/2015 21:22

YANBU - my 6 year old still has her dummy at night! I've never been able to get her to give it up. Different children have different personalities. My other two children never had one at all. I figure that she will eventually outgrow it and thumb sucking causes more problems for teeth than anything else.

Gileswithachainsaw · 22/08/2015 21:22

I think.that tbh sooner or later your going to have to deal with her sleep. It's nit magically going to get easier if she's three and still crap. It's going to take some work. The dummy isn't helping really and now it's affecting her teeth so yes you do need to get rid.

She will sleep better without it when you sleep train her. There are various methods which im sure will he posted. so pick one you are comfortable with.

good luck

bodenbiscuit · 22/08/2015 21:23

The dummy fairy does not work with some children.

Original poster

CrohnicallyAspie · 22/08/2015 21:24

She has a couple of favourite cuddles that she's had since she was tiny, she also has a lullaby thing that we play at bedtime.

And while her teeth aren't shaped brilliantly, I'm not sure how much is dummy related, and how much is tongue and lip tie related- she has a high palate, gap between front teeth (from upper lip tie) and bottom teeth are turning in slightly (from tongue tie), and her front and bottom teeth don't meet properly. But is that just because of the dummy or is it because the ties have affected her teeth? I don't fully trust the dentists opinion because he berated me for giving DD too much juice when she was younger- before she'd even had a single taste!

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bodenbiscuit · 22/08/2015 21:27

I think all children are different. My dd is gradually using her dummy less. Clearly, no child reaches teenage years still in nappies and still using a dummy.

Loki17 · 22/08/2015 21:29

In all honesty, you will most likely find her sleep improves as she will not wake herself by searching for it. My dd had a dummy for night time until she was a similar age. We posted them to Santa so that he could give them to the new born babies. He left her a present in return. We had three tearful bedtimes and that was it. She sobbed her heart out on the first night as I knew she would (which is why I posted them, I couldn't be tempted to give them back). I just told her that she was a big girl now, that I was proud of her and that she'd be ok. I kissed her, said good night and left the room, returning every few minutes to give her a cuddle and repeat. She fell to sleep after 45 minutes. The next night was easier and by the 4th night she was completely fine. Her sleep improved and we've never looked back. I only let her have her dummy for sleep time after 6 months of age and only gave her one in the first place because she had colic. If I have another baby I would try to avoid at all costs. I hated causing her upset by taking it away. It was worth it, even though it was horrible..

Original poster

CrohnicallyAspie · 22/08/2015 21:30

vashta that gives me hope that if I can get her 'on board' then it will be a lot easier!

giles sleep training of any sort fills me with dread to be honest. I was a terrible sleeper- my mum says I'm reaping what I sowed- and the only thing that helped my poor mum was when I was old enough to get up, turn on the light, read a book etc then go back to bed when I was ready. I've only started sleeping through the night regularly since becoming a parent and going on anti depressants! So does sleep training, even gentle methods, actually teach the child to sleep through the night, or does it teach the child just not to bother mum?

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Original poster

CrohnicallyAspie · 22/08/2015 21:31

boden no NT child...

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bodenbiscuit · 22/08/2015 21:32

I think sleep training and whether or not the child has a dummy are two separate issues. I have two other children that I had to sleep train even though they didn't have a dummy.

Original poster

CrohnicallyAspie · 22/08/2015 21:32

I gave her a dummy for 2 reasons... 1, I was ready to do anything to get more sleep (hourly waking, anyone?) and 2, she started sucking her thumb and I know that's even more difficult a habit to break, my niece has only just stopped aged 9.

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Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 22/08/2015 21:35

I took all three of the kids ...lots were lost until none left ... all three did the same,.cried first night, moaned the second and that was it. The younger they are the better. You have to bite the bullet at some point. I also thin her sleep will improve without it.

bodenbiscuit · 22/08/2015 21:35

Yes, sorry chronicallyAspie - you're right about that. I have a severely autistic dd who never had a dummy but she's very reliant on her ear defenders at night so I can see how that can happen. My 6 year old is dyspraxic. She is NT but I think she's more immature than most children her age with certain things.

Gileswithachainsaw · 22/08/2015 21:38

You will get a range if opinions on that.

In extreme cases medication is needed. I think by three she should be able too sleep.
I did control crying with mine which worked quickly however obviously this is not the only choice.

fir your sanity and hers i would advise attempting some form of training. It's no good for either of you to be woken all teh time and frankly after three years im not sure id worry what message she took from it as she knows you are there in the day time for her. However given you have autism yourself I'd only attempt cc i you were sure she doesn't have it. (of you suspect then post on SN board and they will be better equipped to give you ideas and say what worked with their kids) !

this is just one opinion though obviously you must do what you feel best

Gileswithachainsaw · 22/08/2015 21:40

Oh I paint Dds nails too so she can't suck her thumb.

RandomMess · 22/08/2015 21:40

Well I've had various experiences!

My eldest had a dummy until she was 4.5 and slept solidly through the night, went to bed with a dozen and kept herself plugged in. Traded it for a Barbie scooter when the dentist asked her to (still remembers it to this day as says it was the worst thing ever!)

Next 2 were thumb suckers. One of which we had to do the sock and tape method around 9 to get her to stop.

Youngest was a finger sucker so we gave her a dummy (because at least you can restrict it to bedtime only) when we tried to get her to give up her dummy she would start sucking her thumb instead around the age of 7 she just couldn't suck the dummy anymore as it's too small and it stopped naturally.

The worst offender is the only one to not need orthodontic treatment as the open and cross bite sorted itself out. The others all have underbite and high palates which are nothing to do with dummy/thumb sucking although they made it temporarily worse when they were you IYSWIM.

toomuchtooold · 22/08/2015 21:41

chronically sleep training totally teaches the child to sleep through, not just to lie there awake. Our 3 year old twins stopped with dummies when we sleep trained them at 6 months (I know, very early) and they went from waking every 90 minutes to one sleeping through and the other waking for one night feed for about another 6 months. I was still sleeping in their room for about another 2 months after the sleep training and they were sleeping soundly, I can tell you! When they are ill or the first night when we go on holiday they wake and they do cry then, so I know that sleep training didn't make them just give up on crying to us in the night.

Also DH and I both had sleep problems as kids and both had dummies till 5 years old so it is possible to break the cycle

3rdSymphony · 22/08/2015 21:46

DS has seldom slept through the night in his three and a half years, with or without a dummy, but he did rely heavily on it to get to sleep in the first place. He wasn't really any worse at waking without it, though, tbh. Give it a try. Your dd might surprise you.

Original poster

CrohnicallyAspie · 22/08/2015 21:56

giles I don't get woken all the time, that's the point, she wakes, sticks her dummy back in and goes back to sleep! I agree it would be better for her not to wake at all though!

I'm just not sure how training can actually teach someone how to sleep, in my mind it's something you just know how to do or mature into it or something.

And I really don't know if she's NT or not, she displays no real red flags for autism but everyone says how like me at that age she is...

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Original poster

CrohnicallyAspie · 22/08/2015 21:59

Anyway, it's bedtime for me now! So thanks for all the different POV, I will have a good think about sleep training and dummy fairies in the morning (might make for some interesting dreams too)

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