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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let DD keep her dummy for now?

103 replies

CrohnicallyAspie · 22/08/2015 21:06

She's nearly 3, and has a dummy for night time only. The dentist has pointed out that it is affecting her teeth and recommended that I take it away ASAP.

The problem is, even with the dummy she's a bit of a crap sleeper, I dread to think what will happen when I take it away. She's not too bad at going to sleep (though the past couple of weeks we've had tears at bedtime) but she wakes several times in the night and relies on the dummy to get back off, if she can't find it then she wakes us up. She also usually wants to come in our bed if she wakes in the night, so then we have tears.

I can't realistically have her in my bed long term- I need my alone time in the evenings (I'm autistic) and with my other health problems I need as much sleep as I can get, so I can't face potential teary battles in the night trying to get her back to sleep without it and without her coming into my bed.

I've dropped hints about the 'dummy fairy' but she says she would rather keep her dummy. I even tried switching her dummy for a different shape, figuring she wouldn't get the same comfort and would abandon it herself, but apart from calling it a silly dummy she wasn't bothered!

So WIBU to say I can't face taking it off her now, and wait till she decides she's ready (and meanwhile keep dropping the hints about the dummy fairy?) I mean, she won't still want it when she's a teenager, will she? ignores fact that I sucked my thumb until I was far older than that thankfully it didn't affect my teeth

OP posts:
00100001 · 23/08/2015 10:42

or ami just reading your post wrong? Confused

Gileswithachainsaw · 23/08/2015 10:52

absolutely the mothers sleep should factor here too. hence why I'm a CC fan because it's usually pretty short lived and the end result is a better rested mother and child.

doing one which benefits one or neither is pointless. parents sacrifice enough as it is and being able to have a reasonable nights sleep is important.

I think the dd has just reached the stage where what helped is now the reason she's waking. and enough is enough

i wish the op luck in finding a method that works fir both of them because even if the mums sleep isn't disturbed too much at the moment I expect she's still dealing with the fall out of the tiredness in the day which can't be fun.

Charis1 · 23/08/2015 10:56

it does sound like you are putting your own needs before hers.

Charis1 · 23/08/2015 10:57

no parent is realistically in a position to insist they NEED a long alone time in the evening!

00100001 · 23/08/2015 10:58

Charis - have you gone THREE YEARS without a proper nights sleep?

Is a sleep-deprived parent really what's best for a child?

Charis1 · 23/08/2015 11:00

Charis - have you gone THREE YEARS without a proper nights sleep?

well, I'm a foster carer, so have gone about 20

Gileswithachainsaw · 23/08/2015 11:01

no parent is realistically in a position to insist they NEED a long alone time in the evening!

But what' wrong with wanting one. or feeling you need one? especially if your kid is full on.

bed at 7 peace til at least 6.30/7 am is pretty much the standard we all aim fir surely?

why is working towards that unreasonable?

I can understand her reluctance even if I disagree with a decision to keep a dummy.

Charis1 · 23/08/2015 11:01

I need my alone time in the evenings

This isn't about sleep, though is it

AnotherTimeMaybe · 23/08/2015 11:02

I think it's awful to be sleep deprived (I've slept for more than 2 hours only once in the last year, no exaggeration) but I wouldn't want my teen DD to hate me cause her mouth/teeth doesn't look right either when I could have done something about it

Original poster
CrohnicallyAspie · 23/08/2015 11:02

charis believe me, I wish I didn't have to put my needs before hers sometimes, but if I dont I know I get into a spiral of anxious behaviour and risk increasing meltdowns (including self injury, that's not something I ever want my DD to witness).

We're off to a toy shop later, DD is going to decide what she wants the dummy fairy to bring then mummy and daddy will write a letter or ring the fairy.

OP posts:
00100001 · 23/08/2015 11:05

I think it is about sleep.

and about wanting some alone time in the evenings.

OP is entitled to have some "kid free" time and some wind-down after three bloody years of it!

Gymbunny1204 · 23/08/2015 11:09

I had a dummy and sucked my thumb until very old. Brace at 14.
Dc1 had dummy until six months. No teeth issues.
Dc2 had dummy until six months. Will need teeth out and a brace. Same as me.
Dc3 had dummy until six months. Will need a brace.

Just the way it goes.

Gileswithachainsaw · 23/08/2015 11:09

Look there is no harm in thinking of yourself sometimes.

I don't believe in forever being the martyr. no one benefits from that set up least of all the child. It's ok to think of your health and well being.

good luck op FlowersCake

Original poster
CrohnicallyAspie · 23/08/2015 11:09

statesman thanks for explaining, just out of interest what happens when someone (ie an adult) wakes and then can't get back to sleep even though they got to sleep by themselves?

OP posts:
TheNewStatesman · 23/08/2015 11:22

They have a wakeful night, basically! If you have ever had a night where you wake up and CANNOT get back to sleep, that is basically what has happened. You will have stirred, as usual, after a sleep cycle, but for some reason you just can't fall asleep again.

By contrast... when our alarm clocks wake us up in the morning, most of us feel pretty groggy. That's largely because our alarm clocks most often wake us up in the middle of a sleep cycle, so our bodies really want to go back to sleep.

Adults have sleep associations just like kids, by the way. If someone has got into the habit of falling asleep with a TV on, or if they live by the beach and hear the sound of the waves all night, they may find it harder to sleep when these things are suddenly taken away. In which case, they will need to try and get over that particular sleep habit, and develop new sleep associations instead, such as a soothing bedtime routine.

Try the Sleep Lady (Kim West). She is kind, humane and not too dogmatic. Also, simple and easy to read. Good luck!

bodenbiscuit · 23/08/2015 11:28

For those of you saying the OP is putting her needs first - how rude frankly. And a sleep deprived parent is not beneficial for any child. A parent's needs are as important as anyone else's. We're not martyrs.

starlight2007 · 23/08/2015 11:36

I think the point is ..Going through potentially 3 nights means she will get potentially get more evening time to do it herself..

My Ds never slept through till he was 4.. I stopped BF at 2 in the hope it would held

He was BF and used me as a dummy I stopped BF at 2 in the hope it would held
so it won't guarantee a good nights sleep.

It is tough to implement any of this nightime stuff when you are at your most tired.

But yes I think it needs to be done in these circumstances

DisappointedOne · 23/08/2015 12:39

bed at 7 peace til at least 6.30/7 am is pretty much the standard we all aim fir surely?

Er, nope.

00100001 · 23/08/2015 21:36

What do you aim for then disappointed?

BrideOfWankenstein · 23/08/2015 22:08

Sorry, haven't read all the responces, but I heard that if you cut a hole in it, they don't want it anymore.
My DS wasn't even 2 when my dad threw his dummy away. 2 days of constant 24/7 crying and he was okay after that.

DisappointedOne · 23/08/2015 22:24

Pretty simple really, 00100001. We aim for DD (4) to have quality time with both of us each day, to eat together as a family the vast majority of the time, to be able to socialise of an evening together and for her not to be too tired for school. That generally equals asleep by 9pm, up at 8am during term time and asleep by 10pm, up at 9am during the holidays. (Last weekend it was more like bed by midnight, up at 9am and a catch up nap on Sunday afternoon.) works for us and millions of Europeans.

Original poster
CrohnicallyAspie · 24/08/2015 06:09

Well, the dummy fairy visited yesterday and DD did really well! We had some tears half an hour after bedtime when she was struggling to get to sleep without it, so we had a little chat and I did some relaxation imagery stuff with her. And that's the last I heard from her till 20 minutes ago when she woke me up sobbing that her dummy had gone. So I pointed out that it's morning already, she didn't need her dummy last night and now she's got a great present to play with instead. Let's hope the next couple of nights go as well!

OP posts:
00100001 · 24/08/2015 06:20

Most kids I know are up at about 6.30-7, 8am is quite late round here! :)

00100001 · 24/08/2015 06:20

aspie good news :)

VashtaNerada · 24/08/2015 06:40

That's great news! Keep at it, she'll be fine.

(Re. the other conversation on time to yourselves in the evening it sounds like most of us choose to either have an evening to yourself or a lie-in. I'd much rather my kids slept from 7pm to 6am than 9pm to 8am but we each make our own decision on what works for us and then work out an appropriate bedtime routine).

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