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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding guest AIBU

84 replies

Girlsjustwannahavefun69 · 21/08/2015 10:55

My best friend is getting married very soon and is planning what was originally a very tight budget.

I would like MN opinions before I speak to her as she is being gossiped about behind her back.

What was originally planned was a small wedding of family and close friends for 30 is now a wedding for 200.

Out of 8 of our circle of very close friends one is maid of honour. She is having 12 bridesmaids. None of us are bothered as that's up to her.

The MOH knows many people from the brides other social circles and the consensus is they are being used. The people with many talents that work in the wedding industry photographer, dressmaker, chair hire, chocolate fountain, cake maker and florist as well as a few more are all in the bridal party. So these feel used as they are not particularly close to the bride and have all been asked to provide there talents for cost price or free.
Plus the bridal party have all agreed to pay for there own dresses shoes and hair.
So that's the bridal party all feeling used.

Now the guests turn. They are having a hot buffet for the wedding breakfast provided by the guests. That's right the invitations arrived this week and in Lieu of gifts we have all been asked to bring a hot dish for the breakfast specified by the couple and also a cold dish for the evening buffet. There is no bar so we also have to bring our own!

I've known about this for a while as the bride as my opinion and I have it to her straight and said if you can't afford to feed your guests you need to shave your numbers down. She didn't take on board what i was saying.
We went to look at venues last week and it is now not so much a budget wedding as she has fallen in love with one of them and will need to also pay for the registra to come out to marry them! The venue she has chosen is lovely but it is far from the cheapest.

I've been sat on this for a week and it just doesn't sit right with me. I feel that she has gone way over her original budget with the venue and apart from her venue is not providing anything for her guests.

But then on the flip side why do I feel like that as we do not have to take a gift but food. It will not be anymore than what we would of put cash in a card. And the BYO drink is great as I hate the inflated bar prices at these events.

What do you think is the bride BU? Am I being unreasonable in thinking this way and should I say something?

OP posts:
BrideOfWankenstein · 21/08/2015 11:02

Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Guests will not attend if they don't feel comfortable with this. If you don't want to pay for food etc, you don't have to go.
And if you already have tried to talk to her and she ignored it, it won't work anyway.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 21/08/2015 11:04

YABU - stay out of it. The people that are being 'used' are presumably grown adults with the ability to say 'no'. If you don't want to go, don't go.

AliceAlice1979 · 21/08/2015 11:04

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel pissed off. You would be unreasonable to gossip to others and probably also to talk to her about it (her party, her problem) If it pisses you off that much decline the invite.

SurlyValentine · 21/08/2015 11:06

People can only be used if they allow themselves to be. If they don't want to provide their services at no profit to themselves, they are not obliged to. As the Mumsnet mantra goes "No is a complete sentence."

If the bride and groom will forgo gifts in lieu of the chair hire, seat covers, chocolate fountain, etc. then I don't think they are being U. If they were expecting gifts as well then that puts a different complexion on it. Again, this depends on the viewpoint of the chair hire person, chocolate fountain person, etc., as if they feel they are being used, they can always decline the invitation.

I just can't get annoyed about asking guests to bring food for the reception instead of giving a gift.

At the end of the day, it's their wedding - butt out and let them do it their way. If the bride is being talked about behind her back, that says more about those doing the bitching than it does about the bride. No-one is being forced to go along with the B&G's plans.

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2015 11:08

People have to turn up with a plate of hot food?

If she's found somewhere lovely, will they accept everyone bringing food and drink?

They're being really silly inviting so many people when they're so broke.

Theycallmemellowjello · 21/08/2015 11:11

I think yabu. No one is being forced to offer their services for free! It's extremely bad form for a photographer or whoever to agree to a mates rates type deal and then bitch about it! As for the 'bring a dish' - I think that given that this is explicitly stated to be in lieu of a gift, it's fine. You don't even have to cook -- bring some cheese and buscuits or something. It'll cost you less than a wedding gift.

To be honest you just sound a bit pissed off with your friend. You're annoyed both that she's being too stingy and that she's being too extravagant! Not sure why you're worrying about how much she's spending or how many guests she's inviting - it's nothing to do with you. Don't bitch about her. Your job is to turn up with a salad and a bottle of plonk, smile and be happy for her. Not sure why that's a challenge, but if it is decline the invite.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 21/08/2015 11:16

How have the invitations gone out if she hasn't chosen a venue yet?

If people are pissed off at agreeing to do stuff then that is their own fault. They could have said no.

Myob and stop gossiping. It's nasty.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 21/08/2015 11:20

I would be suprised at any posh venue allowing food to be brought in other than from a registered food supplier / caterer due to health risks as any food poisoning issues will reflect on them and they could be liable. how is hot food going to be kept hot I wonder? whilst I have no real issue with it as presumably people who don't like it will decline the invite, I just think it sounds a logistical nightmare.

LilacRain · 21/08/2015 11:21

It does sound a bit odd and disorganised, and not very hygienic about the food (how will it be stored if all guests have to turn up with a dish for both meals?)

But it's her day, her choice.

It sounds like she's trying to have the best of both worlds... a fancy wedding at a special venue without spending much. I expect a lot of people will think it stingy and decline. IMO it's bad form not to provide at least one meal and some drinks for guests, especially if people have travelled a long way.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 21/08/2015 11:23

I like the idea of a pitch in wedding, everyone can manage a meal, lots to choose from and plenty of drink. She may well provide extra food/drink

Creatureofthenight · 21/08/2015 11:25

12 bridesmaids!
If wedding party are feeling used - that's probably because they are being, but if you're a florist who is asked to be bridesmaid to someone you don't know that well, you should be able to guess what's going on!
I've been to a wedding where we brought food in lieu of gifts. It was lovely, but it was all cold so much easier. Reheating loads of stuff will probably be a bit tricky.

ExitPursuedByABear · 21/08/2015 11:28

Agree it is none of your business.

But sounds like a bloody nightmare to me - being expected to pitch up for a wedding with a hot dish and a cold dish. Seriously?

glad I have normal friends

blaeberry · 21/08/2015 11:30

Bit puzzled about the hot food (or cold for that matter). Fine if you are near home, you could cook the night before and take to venue though it will still need to be heated properly or kept cool. But what if you have to travel? Is she providing a kitchen where guests can go to rustle up their dishes in their posh frocks?

Bunbaker · 21/08/2015 11:39

"Now the guests turn. They are having a hot buffet for the wedding breakfast provided by the guests. That's right the invitations arrived this week and in Lieu of gifts we have all been asked to bring a hot dish for the breakfast specified by the couple and also a cold dish for the evening buffet"

I don't see a problem with that. Obviously it would be a problem for guests who have to travel to the venue. We did this when my cousin got married and it was the best wedding we ever went to. Although he did pay for all the booze.

"I just can't get annoyed about asking guests to bring food for the reception instead of giving a gift."

Neither can I. Especially if it means you can invite more people.

Some people are so easily offended these days.

YABVU. Just butt out and let her get on with it.

TidyDancer · 21/08/2015 11:42

It sounds like a total nightmare and I wouldn't want to go to a wedding like that personally, but as someone has already pointed out: not your circus, not your monkeys. She's asked your opinion, you've given it. There's not a lot else you can do.

A wedding I went to about five or six years ago is still mentioned when people are planning now because it was so badly done. People use it as a bench mark of the way not to do things. OP, that's going to be the same for you with this wedding.

squeaver · 21/08/2015 11:52

Are they getting married in the same place as the reception? What are you all supposed to do with your food and drink during the ceremony? I have visions of everyone sitting with tupperware boxes and crates of beer piled up around them.

IssyStark · 21/08/2015 12:10

I've been to a wedding like this and it was great.

Many of us brought cakes or sandwiches for the afternoon tea (which was the wedding breakfast) and some of us also brought food for the evening supper. Bride had a wibble near the day and ordered extra food which really was not needed in the end as everyone was very generous and we have a wide range of nice food, rather than the normal defrosted and fried 'brown' food you get in catered buffets.

The present is your attendance and a contribution to the meal - given how much some people complain about the cost of attending a wedding, II don't think you can complain.

Bunbaker · 21/08/2015 12:25

Issy Everyone pushed the boat out for my cousin's wedding as well. I don't think there was any "beige" food - no pork pies, no sausage rolls, nothing boring.

IHeartKingThistle · 21/08/2015 12:28

Sounds like a recipe for food poisoning to me!

pretend · 21/08/2015 12:33

I think you need to butt out.

If people feel used then they're free not to attend. What they do and what they give is up to them.

If you're not comfortable with it all, don't go.

nottheOP · 21/08/2015 12:37

I don't mind the contributing to food and drink, as you say it'll probably save you money in the long run. Would probably be a right faff on the day though and in the run up to avoid duplications. I expect that lots will want to give an additional gift too, it doesn't cost that much to bring a lasagna.

I'm not too keen on having a bridal party picked on their skills rather than friendship. A wedding dress costs a lots more than the usual wedding gift - I also wouldn't be giving much of a wedding gift anyway if I was a bridesmaid and having to buy a prescribed dress and shoes. Bridesmaids dresses are usually £200 plus another £60+ for shoes that you'll never wear again.

She's got a good brass neck, that's for sure.

TooScaredToPostPostHack · 21/08/2015 12:40

I think the idea of a bring and share wedding instead of gifts is lovely. And sounds like agood way to have all your friends and family rather than leaving people out. Although not sure on the practicalities of bringing hot food.

With regards to her changing her budget, if she has the money to do so go for it.

CarlaJones · 21/08/2015 12:44

I can't see how this is going to work. How are they going to safely store and heat up food brought by guests for 200 people for two meals?

iknowimcoming · 21/08/2015 12:46

I can't see any benefit to you telling her people are bitching about her behind her back about her wedding, chances are she'll be cross with you (as I imagine you have joined in at some point anyway by the sounds of it). It's her wedding and your opinion of it doesn't matter, if you don't want to go, don't. Are you slightly miffed that you aren't MOH by any chance?

HeyDuggee · 21/08/2015 12:55

I personally wouldn't go to the wedding because I don't want to be cooking and worry about carrying a "hot" dish (how will they heat it up) enough to feed an army while in a nice dress and heals. I'd much rather buy a gift they chose online and have it be delivered to the couple.

I suspect the bridal party is feeling used becausr they were invited first and then got a by the way, instead of getting us a gift, can you offer your services? Which probably run in the 100s not the 10s they would've spent on a gift.

I'd also be pretty pissed off to find out it was a potluck wedding being held in a pricey venue rather than someone's free back yard.