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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding guest AIBU

84 replies

Girlsjustwannahavefun69 · 21/08/2015 10:55

My best friend is getting married very soon and is planning what was originally a very tight budget.

I would like MN opinions before I speak to her as she is being gossiped about behind her back.

What was originally planned was a small wedding of family and close friends for 30 is now a wedding for 200.

Out of 8 of our circle of very close friends one is maid of honour. She is having 12 bridesmaids. None of us are bothered as that's up to her.

The MOH knows many people from the brides other social circles and the consensus is they are being used. The people with many talents that work in the wedding industry photographer, dressmaker, chair hire, chocolate fountain, cake maker and florist as well as a few more are all in the bridal party. So these feel used as they are not particularly close to the bride and have all been asked to provide there talents for cost price or free.
Plus the bridal party have all agreed to pay for there own dresses shoes and hair.
So that's the bridal party all feeling used.

Now the guests turn. They are having a hot buffet for the wedding breakfast provided by the guests. That's right the invitations arrived this week and in Lieu of gifts we have all been asked to bring a hot dish for the breakfast specified by the couple and also a cold dish for the evening buffet. There is no bar so we also have to bring our own!

I've known about this for a while as the bride as my opinion and I have it to her straight and said if you can't afford to feed your guests you need to shave your numbers down. She didn't take on board what i was saying.
We went to look at venues last week and it is now not so much a budget wedding as she has fallen in love with one of them and will need to also pay for the registra to come out to marry them! The venue she has chosen is lovely but it is far from the cheapest.

I've been sat on this for a week and it just doesn't sit right with me. I feel that she has gone way over her original budget with the venue and apart from her venue is not providing anything for her guests.

But then on the flip side why do I feel like that as we do not have to take a gift but food. It will not be anymore than what we would of put cash in a card. And the BYO drink is great as I hate the inflated bar prices at these events.

What do you think is the bride BU? Am I being unreasonable in thinking this way and should I say something?

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 21/08/2015 12:59

I agree that asking for a hot dish is impractical. If I was a guest I would probably contact the bride and say that I was bringing a salad or something cold and easily transportable. I wouldn't not go because I had been asked to bring some food though.

My cousin's wedding reception was in my auntie's beautiful garden.

They paid to hire people to serve out the food, wash up etc. as well.

Reubs15 · 21/08/2015 13:10

It's not really your business tbh. If you or anyone else has q problem just don't go. We are only used if we allow it. I'm assuming all the bridal party have the ability to communicate the word "no" in some form.

Summerisle1 · 21/08/2015 13:13

It always occurs to me that more time spent being honest and less time bitching behind people's backs is the constructive thing to do. So if a friend asks you to provide professional services out of the goodness of your heart then you either agree wholeheartedly or say no at the outset. If all these people are now happily sat around having a bitchfest then it says as much about them as it does the bride.

I don't see a problem, in principle, about contributing to the food and the idea of a jolly 'backyard' wedding appeals to me. However, I don't know many so-called 'posh' venues who would tolerate guests rocking up with their own grub because of food hygiene issues.

OllyBJolly · 21/08/2015 13:21

I've been to a wedding like this and it was great.

Me too. Several. Are you sure everyone is "feeling used" or is one person saying this and it's being repeated bitched about ?

Great way to make a big party out of what can be a stiff and expensive occasion. If I had any talents I'd be happy to help with a wedding of a friend. For one friend, I bought and baked several kilos of potatoes, grated cheese and made coleslaw. Much easier and cheaper than trying to find a present.

If people grudge giving their time and talents, maybe they are not real friends?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 21/08/2015 13:32

I would go and enjoy myself with good grace!

PrimalLass · 21/08/2015 13:33

I'd much rather make a big curry for £15 than fork out a fortune for a gift.

CarlaJones · 21/08/2015 13:40

As the wedding is very soon I wouldn't say anything as probably too late to change it and it'll be horrible for her to hear just before it that people are complaining about it

Pico2 · 21/08/2015 13:45

What country are you in OP? I think the acceptability of things varies by country.

Having 12 bm and the getting them to pay for dresses and do their professional stuff free sounds unreasonable as it might cost them hundreds.

featherandblack · 21/08/2015 13:55

I think she's being incredibly selfish in refusing to offer genuine hospitality to her guests, asking her friends to pay to take part in her wedding, and putting professionals under pressure by asking them to donate their services. Yes, everyone could decline, but the chances are they will feel pressured into going along with it. If she was genuinely strapped for cash, fine. But it's clear that the cash is going into her dream venue at the expense of paying people the going rate or providing bridesmaids with dresses. I've been put in this position and it's awful. However, I don't see what you can do or say unless it affects you specifically.

If the venue was cheap and cheerful, and no one else was out of pocket, I could imagine it being acceptable to bring one easy dish in lieu of a gift.

SanityClause · 21/08/2015 13:56

How could the invitations have gone out, if she hadn't chosen a venue, yet?

FarFromAnyRoad · 21/08/2015 14:01

Having worked in this industry not all that long ago I'd be surprised if the venue will allow this outside catering by God knows who to go on anyway. What about food safety? Storage? The reason venues don't want this kind of thing is precisely so that nobody can sue them afterwards for food poisoning. That and of course the wish to make money on the catering - they are a business, after all.
How will you all ensure the food is hot for the breakfast? Scrambled eggs, in my opinion, tend not to stay all that lovely after a 20 minute car ride.
This whole scenario doesn't really tie up anyway - the invites are out but the venue not yet settled? Really?

FarFromAnyRoad · 21/08/2015 14:03

Oh wait....is this one of those where the OP throws out a story with more holes than a Swiss cheese and then never comes back?

Fuck it. Suckered again!

TheyreMadITellYouMaaaad · 21/08/2015 14:04

I really don't see anything wrong with this (apart from the hot food business - cold would, I think, be better). I've been to many bring-a-dish-parties, I've provided cakes free or at cost as a favour or in exchange for something, and I've even been to a wedding as part of the entertainment booking because the couple could not afford to invite everyone they wanted, but were sure that there would be enough food to go around (there was!).

Nobody has to give their favours, the couple are asking for food instead of gift, nobody has to attend.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/08/2015 14:16

Personally I quite like the idea of "bring a dish" instead of scrabbling around for a suitable gift - although I do see the points about food safety / venue objecting, etc

BUT now she's chosen a dearer venue and will have to pay a registrar, I'd be very surprised if she doesn't decide she'd rather like cash gifts to cover this as well, especially as the idea of others covering her costs is already established. Totally up to the guest/suppliers whether they want to play along, of course, but somehow I can't see this ending well ...

Original poster

Girlsjustwannahavefun69 · 21/08/2015 14:17

The invites have gone out with location (area she was looking at multiple venues) and venue tbc.

The three venues looked at were in the same area as one another.

The venue she has now booked is basically a very posh village hall type venue that will be unlocked at a time and not manned so in terms of food they won't be responsible.

I except on the food front that the opinions really do differ.

But the fact still remains the bride and groom are providing very little for there guests as everything being provided is by the guests.

OP posts:

ChilliAndMint · 21/08/2015 14:27

How on earth are you supposed to keep the food hot???

Seriously...there is going to be a lot of poorly tummies, that's for sure!

Also worth noting is that very few establishments allow you to provide your own food unless you are hiring a certified catering company.

TheyreMadITellYouMaaaad · 21/08/2015 14:28

The bride and groom are providing very little for their guests?

No. A wedding isn't about providing for the guests. A wedding is about "come and share our joy with us". So her budget is limited and she chooses to go DIY for many, rather than luxury for few.

When I was little and my parents threw a party, they wouldn't have dreamed of asking guests to bring a dish. The idea was a huge and weird novelty.

I'm now the age my parents were, and virtually all my parties are bring-a-dish, as are my friends' parties. Because we cannot afford to feed loads of people, but still want to have fun together.

Theycallmemellowjello · 21/08/2015 14:30

It's fine to throw a party where you provide little - it's on the invite, people know the score and can decide whether or not to attend. And people have potlucks without food poisoning all the time.

lunar1 · 21/08/2015 14:36

I don't get it! Will the guests arrive, eat their hot food and then have the ceremony?

Is anyone going to serve it or will it be a free for all?

I went to a wedding like this but it was all afternoon tea type food and was really nice.

Everyone is going to have food poisoning eating like warm food.

yumyumpoppycat · 21/08/2015 14:39

I think it sounds great (pos a bit of a logistical nightmare though). Number of brides 'maids' is a bit strange but aren't weddings supposed to be a community affair rather than about showing off and bankrupting a new couple? I would feel less pressure to spend all the other money that goes with being a guest at a wedding too such as buying a brand new outfit etc.

Bunbaker · 21/08/2015 14:44

"bride and groom are providing very little for their guests"

Sorry, but you come across as very self entitled. I agree that cold food is the way to go, but there is really nothing wrong on asking people to share your joy at getting married and asking them to bring a dish. I know OH would be overjoyed at bringing his own drinks because often the stuff you can buy at pay bars in function suites is horrible - cheap, nasty wine, gassy lager, keg beer etc.

ChilliAndMint · 21/08/2015 14:45

Hang on...

"That's right the invitations arrived this week and in Lieu of gifts we have all been asked to bring a hot dish for the breakfast specified by the couple and also a cold dish for the evening buffet. There is no bar so we also have to bring our own! "

And this..

"We went to look at venues last week and it is now not so much a budget wedding as she has fallen in love with one of them and will need to also pay for the registra to come out to marry them! The venue she has chosen is lovely but it is far from the cheapest. "

amarmai · 21/08/2015 15:02

surely the dressmaker is not paying for the wedding dress ditto cakemaker, florist etc?? I just paid $40 for the smallest size-7"- bday cake. Assume the food is organised by a checklist choice so she doesn't end up with all buns and no fillings ? Hope nobody gets food poisoning.

ChilliAndMint · 21/08/2015 15:07

Registrar, venue and invites in 1 week ?, that takes some beating..

AlpacaLypse · 21/08/2015 15:15

The best wedding I ever went to used this system. So much nicer than the traditional sort.

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