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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding guest AIBU

84 replies

Girlsjustwannahavefun69 · 21/08/2015 10:55

My best friend is getting married very soon and is planning what was originally a very tight budget.

I would like MN opinions before I speak to her as she is being gossiped about behind her back.

What was originally planned was a small wedding of family and close friends for 30 is now a wedding for 200.

Out of 8 of our circle of very close friends one is maid of honour. She is having 12 bridesmaids. None of us are bothered as that's up to her.

The MOH knows many people from the brides other social circles and the consensus is they are being used. The people with many talents that work in the wedding industry photographer, dressmaker, chair hire, chocolate fountain, cake maker and florist as well as a few more are all in the bridal party. So these feel used as they are not particularly close to the bride and have all been asked to provide there talents for cost price or free.
Plus the bridal party have all agreed to pay for there own dresses shoes and hair.
So that's the bridal party all feeling used.

Now the guests turn. They are having a hot buffet for the wedding breakfast provided by the guests. That's right the invitations arrived this week and in Lieu of gifts we have all been asked to bring a hot dish for the breakfast specified by the couple and also a cold dish for the evening buffet. There is no bar so we also have to bring our own!

I've known about this for a while as the bride as my opinion and I have it to her straight and said if you can't afford to feed your guests you need to shave your numbers down. She didn't take on board what i was saying.
We went to look at venues last week and it is now not so much a budget wedding as she has fallen in love with one of them and will need to also pay for the registra to come out to marry them! The venue she has chosen is lovely but it is far from the cheapest.

I've been sat on this for a week and it just doesn't sit right with me. I feel that she has gone way over her original budget with the venue and apart from her venue is not providing anything for her guests.

But then on the flip side why do I feel like that as we do not have to take a gift but food. It will not be anymore than what we would of put cash in a card. And the BYO drink is great as I hate the inflated bar prices at these events.

What do you think is the bride BU? Am I being unreasonable in thinking this way and should I say something?

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 21/08/2015 15:50

You can talk to her and tell her that she's being gossiped about, but I doubt she'll change anything. It's her wedding and it will be on her head if anything goes wrong or she gets charged more than she thought for things. I can see that some of the professional providers might have been persuaded to do stuff at bargain rates, but then they will not necessarily do as fantastic a job as she is expecting, cheaper flowers and less of them, a smaller cake than she wanted, dresses made from lesser quality fabric, a smaller number of photographs in a cheaper album etc. She would be U to expect 5 products at 3 prices or for free.

I have nothing against her idea in principle, economising, but from what you describe it sounds poorly planned if she will annoy a lot of people in the process. It's your choice whether to attend.

MatildaTheCat · 21/08/2015 16:08

Gah, not the way I would do it but hey,they want a big wedding and can't afford it. Live and let live.

I do suggest they give more thought to the food and ask for more specific dishes otherwise it could be an 'interesting' meal.

Lightbulbon · 21/08/2015 16:18

It's not your wedding. You can do yours however you want.

Tbh I'd rather a big do with byo than hardly anyone getting invited to a posh do boring chicken dinner.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 21/08/2015 16:30

I agree with pp up thread - lovely time in someone's garden, potluck is great. Fancy venue, less so. Maybe not logical but that's how i'd feel. I also agree being asked to put do 2 meals, and all the drink, and everything done at mates rates or free, to me, doesn't put the couple in a great light. If you want a party for 200 people, to celebrate your wedding, I just feel you should do something for them. Look at the responses to the anniversary thread where the op said it was byob and potluck.

Esssss · 21/08/2015 16:55

Omg if you don't like it, don't go! I think it sounds great, I love the idea of guests contributing to a really special for the couple. How they decide to do their day is none of your business!!

TheyreMadITellYouMaaaad · 21/08/2015 17:58

Chillandmint - why not? I did that.

Even if it is fake, it's a harmless one.

ChilliAndMint · 21/08/2015 18:08

Of course it is, and very entertaining it is too!

It's the chain of events that don't add up.

Icouldbesogoodforyou · 21/08/2015 18:27

I don't understand why you're so pissed off?. You can think that they're not providing enough for their guests but don't understand why it's annoying you so much nor why you feel it's somehow your responsibility to judge this or do something about it?.

You don't have to go if you think they're taking the piss. Just don't go. It's not compulsory.

And if other people are providing elements of the wedding and feel taken advantage of; that's their issue to thrash it out with the bride and groom. Except they won't.

I don't understand why you seem to think this is something you should involve yourself in?.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/08/2015 18:36

Yountold her and she went ahead and did her own thing. If grown adults don't want to provide services, they should say no, they have free will, same them being BM. If people are uncomfortable with the wedding, they will not go.

SquinkiesRule · 21/08/2015 18:36

A smallish informal wedding with a potluck dinner is a lovely idea. Not sure about 300 people it could get a bit much.
I've been to a Potluck funeral. Sounds bad but it was lovely. A service followed by a Potluck meal in the meeting rooms. There was all kinds. Someone had been to the local chinese restaurant and bought a catering size Chicken chow mein and a Fried Rice. Some one else bought catering sized Lasagna, and another got 6 large pizzas on the way to the Church, lots of plates of sandwiches, giant bags of crisps, large cakes, piles of paper plates and cups, the church put on the drinks, of coffee and juice. The "lunch" went on all afternoon, the kids played outside on the lawns and came in an out while the family had a lovely afternoon reminiscing with friends about the lost parent. It was lovely.

FishWithABicycle · 21/08/2015 19:36

Two of the best weddings I've ever been to were bring-a-dish shoestring ones.

Part of the reason they were so lovely was that there were no freeloader distant relatives who had come with a sense of entitlement for a posh meal and an urge to drink as much free booze as they could to get their money's worth from the £50 gift voucher they had brought. All those types stayed away and the room was filled with people who genuinely loved the happy couple and wanted to be part of the celebration. Yabu op - noone is being used- anyone who doesn't want to be part of this should just politely decline and step back to allow the couple to celebrate with those who live them.

FishWithABicycle · 21/08/2015 19:37

Oops typo live=love

Bunbaker · 21/08/2015 19:41

"Part of the reason they were so lovely was that there were no freeloader distant relatives who had come with a sense of entitlement for a posh meal and an urge to drink as much free booze as they could to get their money's worth from the £50 gift voucher they had brought"

Now, you aren't insinuating that the OP is like this are you?

chairmeoh · 21/08/2015 19:43

What does the groom say?

PHANTOMnamechanger · 21/08/2015 19:51

did i read it right, the invites also specify what hot dish you are expected to bring??

so do they know every guests cooking ability, utensils & containers available, budget for ingredients etc?

the last wedding we went to involved an 8 hour drive each way, and 2 nights in a B&B - so it was a 3 day weekend away - how on earth is that supposed to work with food being demanded too! what if you're intending to travel by train? I agree that food poisoning from transported and badly stored food is a real possibility!

we have however been to a wedding we we were asked to pay for the meal instead of buy gifts, why have they not gone for that hassle free option?

LuluJakey1 · 21/08/2015 20:23

This is why I hate weddings. People always have an opinion about things that are nothing to do with them. Mind your own business. Her wedding, her choice. Don't go and keep your mouth shut if it bothets you. Or do go and keep your mouth sut. Either way, it's her choice.

Thelushinthepub · 21/08/2015 21:30

What kind of smart venue lets you bring in your own food and drink? Sorry but ime very few places aside from village halls etc let you do this

nottheOP · 21/08/2015 21:54

Most Asian weddings self cater, I've been to great venues. The hire charge is just a bit more.

razmataz · 21/08/2015 22:18

Sorry but a village hall, however nice it is, doesn't sound like an overexpensive wedding venue.

I don't really know why you have a bee in your bonnet about this OP. Sounds logistically tricky but I think the BYO food idea is a nice one. And as for BYO booze - well that's much cheaper than a paid bar, so what's the problem?

Bride and groom might well be planning to provide some food and drink of their own too.

scarlets · 21/08/2015 23:51

Reminds me of the episode of Gavin and Stacey where Doris failed to provide a salad. It sounds a bit chaotic and disorganised to me, but I hope she has a nice day and I'm sorry that so-called friends are badmouthing her (don't tell her, because she'll be hurt).

MidniteScribbler · 22/08/2015 00:12

The bring a plate and in a hall wouldn't bother me. When I married it was a sunday afternoon and I put on drinks and finger food at a gazebo in a park, and lots of my extended relatives showed up with a plate of food. I didn't ask them to, but it's just second nature for that part of the family for their functions to all be pot luck.

So often on this site people say to have the wedding you can afford, and that's exactly what she is doing. Not every wedding needs to be a lavish sit down affair. If the bride and groom are honest about what they are doing, are forgoing gifts in lieu of a plate (I would still take a gift personally), then what is wrong with it?

SiobhanSharpe · 22/08/2015 01:43

I'm surprised that a fancy wedding factory venue would permit a hirer to bring their own food rather than use the establishment's own catering, they make lots of money from that, as well as from drinks or a bar. in fact wedding venues are generally very po-faced about people bringing their own booze and could well want to charge corkage. Is the bride sure she can do that?

SiobhanSharpe · 22/08/2015 01:44

Oops, sorry, didn't see that it was a hall. (Slinks back into the undergrowth)

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/08/2015 02:11

One of the best weddings i went to was a bring a plate/pot. It was easy-those who were travelling long distances just pitched up with bottles of pop/wine/beer. The brides mum kept a rough idea of who was bringing what...
We had more delicious food than any posh catered wedding!
Also it was much cheaper!

CarlaJones · 22/08/2015 07:44

Have they got a fridge big enough at the village hall to store the cold buffet dishes for 200 people? And what will they do about reheating the hot buffet stuff people have brought?

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