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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to move away with being made to feel guilty

83 replies

Rainbowlou1 · 19/08/2015 11:46

Hello..I'm a long time lurker and often come here to seek advice from others in similar situations so I've decided to come on here with my own AIBU!
Very long story short, my mum is very lucky in that she has pretty much her entire family close by, however she has in the past had little episodes of feeling down and that her life is crap-usually when everyone is busy!she has a lovely life, my dad is an amazing husband but she bitches and moans about him constantly. She has told me she has nothing in life worth living for-apart from my 2 children!
(There's so much to her personality that is so negative and emotionally exhausting but I'll not bore you)
A few years ago we considered moving away because where we live is just too expensive, we are renting a horrible flat with no garden as its all we can afford but when we ran our plans by her she stormed out of her house crying and accusing me of taking her grandchildren away from her and denying her the right to watch them grow up. We then didn't speak for 2 weeks and she became depressed????
We didn't go and I regret it so much, we are now seriously considering a move to the coast-it will be an hour and a half away and we can afford to rent a bigger, nicer place with a garden plus we have always wanted a village life near the sea.
I feel physically sick at the thought of telling her what we will be doing-we are doing it and this time next year our new adventure will be in place I'm sure of it!
Am I really being such a horrible daughter for wanting to give my children a better more wonderful life??
The more I think of it the more I realise how much in life I have not done because of upsetting others especially her..
Sorry for the long rant!

OP posts:

purplepandas · 19/08/2015 11:50

Rainbowlou1, you are not awful at all. I do understand to some extent as I have had similar in the past. It's hard to explain when the parent/child relationship is like this. It seems so easy to just say 'go' when in reality, you know what the fall out will be. I am sorry that things are so difficult for you.

90 mins away is not a huge distance really. After all, your parents could choose to move closer if they wanted (not saying that you do want this). Life is short, you need to put you and your lovely family first for a change. Good luck .

spreektengels · 19/08/2015 11:52

We moved away! Nearly 300 miles away to be exact. We were miserable,crap jobs,crap schools and living in a cupboard of a house.

We kept it quiet until we couldn't back out then told family. It kicked off tears accusations the lot. But we did it and we are really truly happy now. And guess what the ones that shouted didn't bother with us at all!

At the end of the day your children come first you have to do what's right for you. It's no one else's choice except your own and if people love and respect you they will say go for it!

I hope you decide to make the move you sound like you're desperate to move on.

purplepandas · 19/08/2015 11:52

Perhaps explore the options first before telling your Mum. That might make things a bit easier in the short term. It might not work out and it seems crazy (to me) to have a conversation without having to.

I have tried to tell myself that I cannot be responsible for the happiness of others (children aside) but it is not easy. You cannot make your Mum happy, only she can do that. It's not easy I know for you or her of course.

PrimalLass · 19/08/2015 11:53

Just go. We did - also to a village by the sea.

Trickydecision · 19/08/2015 11:54

Your children's interest trumps your mum's and I say that as a granny who loves seeing her grandchildren. Don't give into the emotional blackmail.

Eternalsunshines · 19/08/2015 11:55

I found it hard telling my mom I was moving away with the children too.
I explained to her the children were my main reason for moving, for a better life for them. She soon came around and if she really cares she will make the effort to still be in their lives. FaceTime is a great thing

happymummyone · 19/08/2015 11:56

Your mother's personal happiness is not your responsibility and it is unfair of her to put it on you. You can afford to give your children a wonderful life within visiting distance of your mother so if it all works out, GO FOR IT! She will strop and cry but she will get over it.

Gooseberrycrumble2 · 19/08/2015 12:00

90 minutes is nothing! You can stay with each other regularly or do day visits.

My parents live 7 hours away!

Original poster

Rainbowlou1 · 19/08/2015 12:00

Thank you for all your replies..I never went off to college or uni because of the guilt!
Once in a row she screamed at me she didn't have children for them to repay her like this-it's like we are all here to keep her happy but we are all so miserable!
We are going to view homes and jobs etc and have a few days down near the coast (Dorset) and get a proper plan in place before we mention it.
We told my mil because we knew she would help with advice and research with us, she said fantastic go for it, I just wish I knew I'd get that reaction!

OP posts:

Gooseberrycrumble2 · 19/08/2015 12:01

It will offer you all a good quality of life and her nice trips to the seaside.

Tell her after you have made all the arrangements. Maybe a few weeks before you leave

UrethraFranklin1 · 19/08/2015 12:03

I would have thought being further away from her would be a positive side to the move, she sounds like a nightmare.
Just do it. Put your children before your mother, its what parents are supposed to do.

Wolpertinger · 19/08/2015 12:04

Your mother doesn't sound as if she makes healthy relationships with her family. You and your children do not owe her anything and you are not responsible for her happiness - your MIL has the right idea, she is happy to see you happy!

Go, live your life, you deserve it.

Nolim · 19/08/2015 12:04

i never went off to college or uni because of the guilt!
Once in a row she screamed at me she didn't have children for them to repay her like this-it's like we are all here to keep her happy but we are all so miserable!

Omg op this is aweful.

She expects you to give meaning and happiness to her life. That is totally unfair, your dc and your own happiness come first.

YouTheCat · 19/08/2015 12:06

A bit of distance will do you good.

Duckdeamon · 19/08/2015 12:09

Plan the move and expect her to be her usual unreasonable self!

Suggest you take a look at the "stately homes" / dysfunctional families threads in the relationships board! And get training and / or read up on assertiveness techniques.

It's terrible that you took decisions about your education and career based on your difficult mother and her unacceptable behaviour. Why have you and everyone put up with it for so long?!

FenellaFellorick · 19/08/2015 12:09

You cannot have less of a life for you and your children than you could have in order to please your mother. It's boggling that that would please your mother, don't you think? Good parents normally want the best for their children.

Think how selfish she is being that she would rather see you in cramped accommodation with nowhere for the children to play, just so you can remain on tap. That shows she does not care about you or the children, beyond what you can do for her and her need for you.

It's not like you're talking about moving to Australia!

And fwiw, you don't owe someone anything because they decided to give birth to you.

Go. Don't run it by her. She has no say in your decision. She will strop wildly for a bit, I am sure, but she will calm down.

pictish · 19/08/2015 12:10

Well you won't. Any person who would see their daughter forgo her education to keep her under her thumb is not going to see reason when you announce you're moving away with her grandkids in tow.

What you need to do is prepare yourself for the storm and know how to weather it. The first thing you should try to do is stop listening to her tell you what 'rights' she has over your kids. She has none. She has wants sure, but that is not the same thing at all.
She is being extremely manipulative to use them as tools to ensure her continuing dominance over you. You are the parent and the decision as to where your children live, is entirely yours. Exercise it.

She will most likely chuck everything she's got at you in a bid to make you stay. Are you ready? Can we hold your hand?

Original poster

Rainbowlou1 · 19/08/2015 12:11

I agree with the distance doing us good..or rather ME some good!

OP posts:

pictish · 19/08/2015 12:15

It will be like a release from jail OP.

Original poster

Rainbowlou1 · 19/08/2015 12:16

We have put up with it because it's too stressful the other side!plus I feel like we are all also sticking around to protect my dad from her!i remember begging him to leave her once for his own happiness but he said he couldn't ever leave her because he believes she is mentally ill and needed looking out for.
I'm not putting up with it anymore!

OP posts:

Original poster

Rainbowlou1 · 19/08/2015 12:17

Handholding would be great when the time comes...then helping me celebrate when I move!

OP posts:

bettyberry · 19/08/2015 12:20

MOVE NOW! you will forever regret not doing it and If your mother is determined to see them grow up she has opportunities to visit. 90 minutes isn't far at all.

It will be the best thing you ever do. The weeks after you move the relief will be there. Knowing you are not worrying about your mother or upsetting her.

She will get over it.

theveryhighlife · 19/08/2015 12:20

I can only imagine how nervous you must be at the thought of telling your mum you're moving....but you're only an hour and a half away. The benefits of moving seem to outweigh staying. I understand that it's a difficult situation, but your mum has control over her own happiness, please don't feel guilty for putting your children and yourself first

OTheHugeManatee · 19/08/2015 12:32

She sounds awful. Using 'depression' to control everyone around her.

Agree with PPs who say organise the whole thing on the QT and then run like hell. At the end of the day you can't save your dad, sad though that might be

Good luck

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 19/08/2015 12:33

Definitely move, it is your life and that of your children. You are not on this earth to make your mother happy.

My lovely parents would travel 3 hours to visit us when we had our baby. That is what parents do if they want to see you. We would also travel that 3 hours back home to see them.

Don't get stuck somewhere because you are afraid of your Mum's reaction.

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