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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to move away with being made to feel guilty

83 replies

Rainbowlou1 · 19/08/2015 11:46

Hello..I'm a long time lurker and often come here to seek advice from others in similar situations so I've decided to come on here with my own AIBU!
Very long story short, my mum is very lucky in that she has pretty much her entire family close by, however she has in the past had little episodes of feeling down and that her life is crap-usually when everyone is busy!she has a lovely life, my dad is an amazing husband but she bitches and moans about him constantly. She has told me she has nothing in life worth living for-apart from my 2 children!
(There's so much to her personality that is so negative and emotionally exhausting but I'll not bore you)
A few years ago we considered moving away because where we live is just too expensive, we are renting a horrible flat with no garden as its all we can afford but when we ran our plans by her she stormed out of her house crying and accusing me of taking her grandchildren away from her and denying her the right to watch them grow up. We then didn't speak for 2 weeks and she became depressed????
We didn't go and I regret it so much, we are now seriously considering a move to the coast-it will be an hour and a half away and we can afford to rent a bigger, nicer place with a garden plus we have always wanted a village life near the sea.
I feel physically sick at the thought of telling her what we will be doing-we are doing it and this time next year our new adventure will be in place I'm sure of it!
Am I really being such a horrible daughter for wanting to give my children a better more wonderful life??
The more I think of it the more I realise how much in life I have not done because of upsetting others especially her..
Sorry for the long rant!

OP posts:

Savagebeauty · 19/08/2015 12:36

Go, go, go.
Do not feel guilty.
She is controlling and manipulative. And over invested in your children

pictish · 19/08/2015 12:39

Taking happymummyone's post and using it could be helpful when if your mum kicks off.

"Mum...your personal happiness isn't my responsibility and it's unfair of you to put it on me like you do. I can afford to give my children a wonderful life that is within visiting distance of you, so that's what is going to happen. It is my decision to make and I have made it. I'm just letting you know."

pictish · 19/08/2015 12:41

And tell her you're not looking for input or permission either. Present it as a done deal.

Original poster

Rainbowlou1 · 19/08/2015 12:51

Thank you all for your input and advice-I'm flicking between mumsnet and rightmove and feeling really excited about our potential new life!x

OP posts:

reredos1 · 19/08/2015 12:51

She will do the same to your children as she did to you if you give her a chance.

designedbynature · 19/08/2015 12:55

Make firm plans before you tell her and I would try to ask for help in some way, i.e. could you come down for School holidays etc, maybe invite her for Christmas?

TheseventeenthSixteen · 19/08/2015 12:57

You need to do what's right for you and your family. My dd lives at the other end of the country. she is an only child. Yes, I'd love her to live nearer and when her baby is born, no doubt I'll wish that even more. But I'd hate to feel I'd stopped her being where she needed to be. As others have said, 90 mins isn't that much. I agree, arrange everything and then tell her. That way you limit the time frame for emotional blackmail, downturns in mood, that will no doubt result.

I grew up with my entire family around and it was lovely (if rather stifling), but life isn't like that now for most people. As others have said, you don't need your Mum's permission. You are a person in your own right. Good luck on your mission.

Rarity08 · 19/08/2015 13:01

Don't tell her until it's all sorted, less time fir her to guilt you.

LittleLionMansMummy · 19/08/2015 13:01

My mum has similar low feelings and feels neglected when we're busy and don't see her much. I think generally as people get older they have more time to reflect/ dwell and I and my sisters struggle with this a bit with our parents. But, we have never had any doubt that she wants the best for us - she wants us to be happy, whatever that entails. Inwardly she would be sad if we moved away, but outwardly she would be excited and happy for us. And I think that's what a healthy mother/ child relationship looks like. You can't go through life allowing yourself to be emotionally blackmailed. It is not right and not normal. 1.5 hours is nothing - she will probably get more quality time with you.

knittingbat · 19/08/2015 13:07

Put your hand on hers, stare deep into her eyes and say, 'Mum. DID you see something nasty in the woodshed??'

ohrubbishon · 19/08/2015 13:15

We had this with in laws. We moved and are so much happier. Moving has also made it easier to detach from the emotional blackmail. Agree that you shouldn't say anything until it is all signed and sealed. She isn't going to take it well but your responsibility at this point is stronger towards your children than her. Remember, her reaction is not your responsibility.
Do it!

Theycallmemellowjello · 19/08/2015 13:21

She sounds very lonely and depressed, I'd encourage her to seek help and widen her social circle.

You should do what's best for your family, of course. But I'd play up practical advantages when selling it to your mum - cheaper rent, more open space etc - rather than saying you want a 'better, more wonderful' life (this would be hurtful even to someone without depression). Also maybe if you explore concrete options for how you would visit each other, this might make the move easier (presuming you want to have visits). I do sympathise with her, as it sounds like a big change for her. But no of course you're not unreasonable to move.

GummyBunting · 19/08/2015 13:23

I have a MIL like this. We live about 3 hours from them, and the guilt trips are intense. Lots of threats to write OH out the will, have said they'll kill themselves etc.

We have decided we'll TTC in the new year, and I'm just dreading telling the inlaws if/when we're having a baby. I think it will make everything worse.

What I will say is, move because it's the best thing to do, but have a serious think about what your limits are. Would you be prepared to go NC? My MIL is very all or nothing; she's said that either her family lives near enough to visit every weekend, or they're no longer family. She has yet to follow through and cut us off, but we're prepared for when that happens.

You need to be super super clear about what your expectations are, and leave no room for interpretation. As in 'we're moving away, and this is what we will do to keep in touch, and here's what we expect you to do'.

Good luck!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/08/2015 13:31

Tell her you're thinking of emigrating to NZ.... An 90 minute journey will then seem nothing.

Please please please consider doing the uni this shameful woman manipulated you into missing out on...

fabuLou · 19/08/2015 13:34

Your mum is very selfish. Of course you should move.

fabuLou · 19/08/2015 13:36

Mil guilted dh inti staying at home while at uni too. Guess what, he left the country straight after finishing his degree.

Original poster

Rainbowlou1 · 19/08/2015 13:39

My brother went travelling in Australia and Canada and she was petrified he would want to live abroad (he does!)
I am currently studying for another course but determined one day to get a degree!i can study on the beach!

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 19/08/2015 13:44

Definitely move.
Do NOT tell your mum until you are actually moving or even better, have actually moved.
She can't guilt trip you then.
It might be helpfult to read THIS BOOK
Or even THIS ONE has good reviews so might be better then the previous one?

Duckdeamon · 19/08/2015 13:44

It's a shame for your Dad, but he has taken decisions to remain in the relationship. It sounds like he has also passively enabled and been complicit in her behaviour over many years, to the detriment of his responsibilities for his children (eg your degree, how she treats you).

getdownshep · 19/08/2015 14:22

Go for it, we did the same when our dds were young, moved from London to the south coast.
I'm an only child which made it harder but I had to put my dc before my mum, she was very angry with me for taking her grandchildren away, as she saw it.
Tbh she has never let it go, we are talking twenty years on and she still brings it up blaming me for her being miserable.
We are only 90 minutes away too but she won't travel anymore.
My dd is now going to Australia next month and I'm trying to encourage her and not lay a guilt trip on her.
Good luck with your plans.

CoraPirbright · 19/08/2015 16:07

I understand a tiny bit how you are feeling as my dm has never done anything apart from having children. She often says that I am the only thing she has in life and sometimes, I have to confess, the burden weighs heavily; that I am what she does if you see what I mean. She is far too invested in my life, wanting to know where I am going, what I am doing, who I am seeing, what I am wearing!! I have also not done things eg travel abroad as she has terrible anxiety that something will happen to me and frequently have had to lie about what I am doing to avoid the inevitable worrying/hand-wringing/colossal fuss.

I know that if we decided to move abroad, the fall out would be pretty bad with guilt-trips galore but you just have to take your life in your hands and out of hers and do it! Your move plans sound wonderful!! Get it all figured out and even rental signed for etc then present it, in a united front with your dh, as a fait accompli. She will have a fit, we all know this, but you are doing the best thing for your family and she is very selfish if she cannot see this.

Original poster

Rainbowlou1 · 19/08/2015 16:28

Corapirbright it's so emotionally exhausting isn't it...I have always felt that I had my children for the family if that makes sense!being told my children give her only reason to carry on is so cruel and its emotional blackmail.
And goodness if we wanted to move abroad??

OP posts:

diddl · 19/08/2015 16:39

An hour & a half?

Thought you were going to say another country!

Do you have a partner?

If so, what do they think?

I'm afraid I wouldn't be impressed if we couldn't have a better quality of life because my OH wouldn't move 90mins away from parents.

In fact I'd gladly tell the parents myself if it would make it happen!

Original poster

Rainbowlou1 · 19/08/2015 18:45

Diddl We are moving next year...my issue is the guilt I will be made to feel because in us moving we are ruining her life!

OP posts:

diddl · 19/08/2015 19:00

That's good to hear!

You know that you aren't ruining her life.

You know that she will try to make you feel guilty.

Try not to take the guilt on!

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