To want to move away with being made to feel guilty

[Rainbowlou1]

Hello..I'm a long time lurker and often come here to seek advice from others in similar situations so I've decided to come on here with my own AIBU!
Very long story short, my mum is very lucky in that she has pretty much her entire family close by, however she has in the past had little episodes of feeling down and that her life is crap-usually when everyone is busy!she has a lovely life, my dad is an amazing husband but she bitches and moans about him constantly. She has told me she has nothing in life worth living for-apart from my 2 children!
(There's so much to her personality that is so negative and emotionally exhausting but I'll not bore you)
A few years ago we considered moving away because where we live is just too expensive, we are renting a horrible flat with no garden as its all we can afford but when we ran our plans by her she stormed out of her house crying and accusing me of taking her grandchildren away from her and denying her the right to watch them grow up. We then didn't speak for 2 weeks and she became depressed????
We didn't go and I regret it so much, we are now seriously considering a move to the coast-it will be an hour and a half away and we can afford to rent a bigger, nicer place with a garden plus we have always wanted a village life near the sea.
I feel physically sick at the thought of telling her what we will be doing-we are doing it and this time next year our new adventure will be in place I'm sure of it!
Am I really being such a horrible daughter for wanting to give my children a better more wonderful life??
The more I think of it the more I realise how much in life I have not done because of upsetting others especially her..
Sorry for the long rant!

Please, please do what is right for you and your family :)

I speak from the heart and as a DM, DGM and a MiL :)

You are not responsible for your DMs happiness or otherwise. You will not ruin her life by moving.

Resist the temptation to tell her to get a life. But tbh she should get a life.

Nolim that runs around in my head every time I see her...one day it will slip out I'm sure!

Might your parents follow you to the new location?

I think she may suggest it and I'll get the whole handwringing and 'oh you probably would hate me being so close to you ' bs, but in reality I don't think she would because she is comfortable and moving away is hassle she couldn't be bothered with!

Rainbowlou you really need to move. We made the wrong decision in exactly the same circumstances 4 years ago and can't undo it now. I should be 1 1/2 hours away living by the sea.

It sounds like you have sacrificed a lot. On a different issue a mn poster told me I had my loyalties all wrong, they should be to my DH and children. Not my parent. I actually felt quite bad on reflection about some of the decisions I'd taken.

That said, if we had moved we were planning to give lots of reassurances and plan visits. No need to be apologetic but it is possible to be both assertive and nice. I have found the more assertive I've been about the time/space we need the easier it is to be nice about it, because I'm feeling less resentful. But however you go about it, you really shouldn't feel guilty.

Dorset village by the sea sounds lovely.

I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you, is there anyway you can do it now or in the future?
My loyalties do lie with my dh and my children and having my own children made me see what she has done and how controlling she has been.
I feel stronger but still dreading the fall out and the thought that my poor dad will bear the brunt of it.

Say nothing about it for now. Organise everything, get your new house, everything in place, then tell her that it's been organised and that's it. If you tell her your plans it just means she can try and bargain to make you stay, if it's too late for her to do anything about it, it won't be pleasant, but there's nothing she can do or say to change things.

We moved away from my widowed father, with his two youngest grandsons. We used to live 90mins from him. We now live 32h flight away (NZ).

His reaction was along the lines of desperately sorry to see us go, would of course miss us massively but absolutely encouraging us to make our own lives and good luck with the huge adventure. He's been out to visit several times, we Skype regularly, we come back on holiday regularly - that's what a loving and supportive parent does. This is how your mother should react although I know she won't.

Best of luck with your move and new life!

(Dad loves NZ but he still can't get used to a summer Christmas!)

Hi OP. Didn't mean to question your loyalties. I'm glad you are feeling a bit stronger about it. You have some good advice about how to go about it. Happy house hunting.

I agree with reclaiming your life. You are not responsible for your parents' happiness. Your children don't exist to entertain your mother because she can't be bothered to get some hobbies or friends, you might have chosen not to have children. If their lives are a bit boring or empty that is for them to fix.
Whenever I've moved I've not consulted my parents, just told them when it was arranged as there is usually so much uncertainty with house moves.
They don't get to have a say in where you live.
I think kids should fly the nest and move away early in their adult lives so parents get used to being a couple again and sorting out their own social lives not relying on their children to entertain them. Moving away early and then coming back tends to work better than trying to spread your wings later on.
It sounds as though your dad's life would be better without her as well, he should have pulled her up on her attitude to him years ago.

You are not responsible for your parents' happiness. Your children don't exist to entertain your mother because she can't be bothered to get some hobbies or friends, you might have chosen not to have children. If their lives are a bit boring or empty that is for them to fix.

I couldn't agree more. And OP, it's what you need to be telling your mum.

Rainbowlou You honestly could be describing my mum. She is exactly the same and I think she most definitely does have mental health issues - when we were younger they often manifested in an aggressive temper but now she's older it's just very negative and draining. I feel very sad for her in a way and love her because she is my mum. I've tried to help, suggesting Drs other therapies and generally being supportive of her getting help but she refuses. She is happy wallowing in her misery.

I went travelling and as soon as I told her I was going (big mistake) she spent the lead up to me leaving texting me daily stories about travellers being murdered/ killed in accidents/plane crashes. Whenever I saw her it was hand wringing and tears. EVERY TIME. When I asked if she could just be excited for me "I would understand one day when it was my own children".

It was relentless and exhausting but not unexpected. I barely contacted home whilst I was away as I just couldn't face being sobbed at and told how "hard" it was.

When I came home, I knew I didn't want to live close to home - all my siblings still do and every time I see them their conversation is largely dominated by my mum and what's she's done/said. She literally saps energy and positivity.

I ended up living on the other side of the country (about 5 hours away) where I met my wonderful DP and have a house (by the sea ) and I have my own children. We've been here 5 years now and I'm still in awe of his family as it's never a stress to be around them. I speak to my mum every week or so and still after 5 years I get cried at, estimates of how many times she will see me/my children before she dies (!), get told how I don't understand (even though I don't have any of my immediate family close by either!) I take it with a pinch of salt now and try to ignore her - direct the conversation away from it by paying it little attention. I imagine your mum will be very similar even when you move.

I am so happy with where I live and where my children will grow up. You have to do what is best for you and your family and it sounds like this move is it.

For the record, I love my children more than anything and seeing them grow up and leave will undoubtedly be one of the hardest things I will ever do, but I would never, ever stifle their independence, curiosity or desire to live their own lives. I will never make them feel guilty for being a seperate person from me. I didn't have them to make me happy (they do), I had them so I could make them happy.

Good luck! You have all my sympathy. Your plans sound excellent though, be prepared for all the guilt but know it's not real as you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Sorry for the long post!!

Completely agree. Sad for all these people with awful mothers. They don't sound depressed as it doesn't sound like an illness just the way they view life. They sound more to have a narcissistic personality disorder with everything being about them and their only interest in their children and grandchildren is related to them and how often they are being seen and fussed over.
It's great so many women have managed to move away to parent their own kids in a less emotionally destructive way.
I'm not sure how these mothers learn to derive happiness from things other than trying to control their relatives. Is it a SAHM phenomenon? Will there be fewer posts like this in 20 years time now most mothers work and don't see "mothering" as the only thing they do with their lives but see being a mother as just one aspect of their personality and life.

Mmcabbagesoup I didn't think you were!they have always been my priority but I end up exhausting myself by trying to please everyone all the time!this time I'm putting us not just first but completely!
Allstoppedup I'm sorry you experience this too-my mum also had the most aggressive temper when we were younger and it's been replaced with a negative, woe is me attitude
2rebecca that's a good point about the sahm!I Wonder if it is a factor?my mum does act like she gave up her life to have the job of being a mum and now she has (in her view) got a 2nd chance with the children I have contributed to the family for her!

Is it a SAHM phenomenon? Will there be fewer posts like this in 20 years time now most mothers work and don't see "mothering" as the only thing they do with their lives but see being a mother as just one aspect of their personality and life.

Ehhh...think you're bordering on stereotyping there. I was a SAHM for nine years while my three kids were small, but now they're all settled in school I'm really excited about starting full time education next week myself. That chapter of my life is done with, and it was never the be all and end all of my existence anyway. Don't assume that SAHMs are saddos with no other plans or interests please. That would be jolly short sighted of you.

I definitely don't think all SAHMs are like this, but I suspect that most of the women who are like this were SAHMs and didn't develop much of an identity outwith their role as matriarch which they are reluctant to relinquish when a matriarch is no longer needed or wanted.

You are not a horrible daughter, she is the horrible one. To emotionally blackmail you like that, is very controlling of her.

You are allowed to move away.

I left the UK years ago & while I have no doubt that it hurt my dad, that he has his little cried in private, he would NEVER have even thought of doing that to me. He didn't shed one tear in front of me in case it changed my mind.

Parents want their kids to move on, that means they move away. Most parents are happy for their kids.

Tell her & don't falter. You deserve a good life, as I bet this isn't the first time she has curtailed your plans!

Do it. We had the same situation when we wanted to move to a village 20 minutes away. MIL went mental and said that we'd never see each other, the village was too posh for us, she'd be left all alone etc. I mean, I feel sorry for her because she doesn't drive so it may have felt like a long way, but ultimately because of her we didn't make our clean break like we wanted. I really regret it now that we are stuck in overpriced home counties hell for at least two more years!

There you go OP, examples from people who were in the same situation and caved to the manipulation...not one of them happy to have done so.
Make good your escape, and to those who didn't - you will, and it will be amazing. xx

Did she stay living near to her own mother?

90 minutes is absolutely nothing. She could do that every week if she wanted. In fact, give me her number, I'll call her and suggest she does!

Imperial my mum moved an 8 hour car journey from her family!
Pictish you're so right all these others that have regreted it im not going to be one of them..

Youve described my mum. I dream for the distance. Ive longed to go to australia for so long and when ever i start the process i get 'youre taking the grandchildren away grom me, you have no right, im not going to bother spending time with them whats the point!

Everytime im there she starts an argument about nothing. Calling me a terrible daugjter / mother / person when i disagree with her.

She even told me once, because I said i Could see why judy finnigan said something which my mum was shouting about, that i wa nog allowed to go to her funeral and she would be there to check. You cant argue with batshit crazy

It is draining. I long to have a husband who is on board with moving :/

Tell her you're moving to Australia and let her weep over that for a while. Then say you're actually thinking of the South Coast and she'll be thrilled. I think she's got a bloody cheek to put pressure on you, when she moved away from her own family!

Calleigh you MUST go. (Sorry to derail OP) I've had the same thing as Calleigh to some extent....Australia was on the cards....my dear Mum tried so hard to put me off....I'm here now in Oz. I had to do it....I told my Mum "I'll come back again to visit you know" and she's coming round slowly....it's your life...OP and Calleigh...YOUR life and you must do the best for your children.