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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About dh saying he can't attend sleep study

111 replies

Esmeismyhero · 17/08/2015 16:32

So for the past yr and a half dh has been doing things in his sleep examples:

Threatening to punch me
Elbowed me in the mouth and I got a fat lip
Trying to have sex with me (this is the annoying one as he is 6'7" and 20 of stone so he's massive and it's hard to push him off)
Calling me derogatory names

He has been asleep, completely asleep it's only when I've shouted stop or dh name that he snaps out of it, I've been a bit scared to sleep with him tbh.

He finally went to the Drs after he tried to punch me as by then we knew it wasn't just a phase, dh is very apologetic in the morning and never remembers.

Anyway we have waited over 7 months for an appointment and he finally got one a few weeks ago, they have booked him in for a sleep study for 48 hours next week. Dh has been very moody lately and today has decided he can't attend the sleep study as he has too much work on

I've said that he has to go as I'm scared of sleeping with him and not to sound too dramatic but I don't partially want to deal with this anymore. He slept on the sofa for a week but says his back hurts so has been sleeping in the bed but I'm scared.

I'm not very happy about him basically saying he's not going to do it, I think he needs to. It's not fair on me.

I want to say that if he doesn't go then he cannot sleep with me until he has done it even if that takes months!

Aibu? This is serious :(

OP posts:

Holidayornot · 17/08/2015 20:09

Not my understanding of matters in E&W now but hopefully I'm wrong and hopefully the OP never has to find out

WandaFuca · 17/08/2015 20:10

I'm also glad he's going. This does really need to be sorted out.

I have watched some documentaries on sleep disorders, and they often show the monitoring that goes on. I guess that part of the problem people have with sleep monitoring is that they're being watched while at their most vulnerable. But from what I've seen, they do have infrared cameras in the "bedroom", but the focus of attention by the staff is on the monitors that measure people's breathing-rates, heart-rates and so on. There's usually a number of patients being monitored at any time. The staff tend to only look at the infrared monitor if there's an indication that a patient is getting distressed or is walking around in their sleep, for safety reasons.

annandale · 17/08/2015 20:13

Are you able to go with him? If not (probably difficult due to childcare), write a letter headed Dear Doctor - To help at my husband's upcoming appointment, including your husband's name and date of birth, listing any events and dates (rough or exact) that you can remember, signed in your name. Give him a copy to read or take with him, but also send a copy directly to the doctor or clinic doing the sleep study, also one to his Gp. You must ensure they have the full information or they can't assess him properly.

FrancesOldhamKelseyRIP · 17/08/2015 20:22

Good. But the fact that he's agreed to undergo investigation doesn't magically make you safe tonight. I'd be hitting the Argos site this evening for a) a comfy fold out bed for you for the sitting room or the DCs' floor b) some sturdy bolts.

The reason why I think the OP should move rather than DH is that it's much cheaper and easier to get a reasonably comfortable bed for an average sized woman than a huge man like her DH - just because he's the one with the problem and has procrastinated doesn't mean it makes any sense for him to screw up his back.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/08/2015 21:06

That's great news that he is going. Hopefully a solution will be found.

tulippa · 17/08/2015 21:24

Hello OP - very glad your DH is going to his appointment. My DH has something similar though not as severe as yours (I will sometimes wake up to being groped but this is stopped easily by me getting up and going for a wee - not dangerous but still annoying to have my sleep disturbed - and DH is mortified if I tell him the next day.)
Anyway DH had his sleep study a few weeks ago and is waiting for the results. He said the worst part was the glue they used to stick the sensors on his head and trying to nap the next day while someone watched him - it really wasn't a bad experience to go through and you will have the added bonus of a peaceful nights sleep in a bed to yourself!
The hospital won't take kindly to appointments cancelled at the last minute - there was a bit at the end of DH's letter saying his referral to the sleep clinic would be cancelled if didn't go to his appointment. Good luck - hope things get sorted for you.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 17/08/2015 21:33

You are not alone Esme, my exh did this, however mine never got investigated.

One time he had me in ahead lock trying to twist my neck. I shudder to think what could have happened with that one, if he hadn't woke up and the dream was interupted.

He had sex with me a few times in his sleep. He was of the opinion that if he didn't remember it, it didn't happen. I ended up just letting him as it was less upsetting for me than the sheer panic of trying to fight him off. And the shoving and aggressive swearing. All very familiar.

Unfortuneately we appear to share other problems, like the way he is when awake. I excused his behaviour for years until i just couldnt anymore. It took me a long time to stop the constant placating and desperate urge to please him and get back the man I loved, but the man I loved didn't ever come back, because he wasn't ever really there, not without the other side of him. It was such a waste, he lost so much, but I guess we didn't mean enough to him to keep himself from destroying our life and love.

Anyway, back to you! It's absolutely no excuse that he's doing these things on his sleep, I know 'he can't help it' and the ease with which he can dismiss or deny the seriousness of each incident, as he isn't 'there' to witness it.

But he is in control of his actions when awake, and he needs to take it seriously - I know it's impossible to make someone take something seriously when they don't want to, and that was my mistake. I kept trying to make him see... Except he never did. You sound more switched on than me, and I think you won't let it progress if your DH doesnt take on responsibility for his problem.

Good luck with the study, I hope it shows something.

Gunpowder · 17/08/2015 21:41

Glad he's going. I think I'd go and sleep with the DC too, it sounds terrifying.

Actually, I think I would make DH stay somewhere else until it was sorted.

ouryve · 17/08/2015 22:07

YANBU. Say it. You can't share a bed with him, as things are.

Littleen · 17/08/2015 22:09

He needs to take the issue seriously and go for the sleep study. You cannot go on like that, it's not safe at all. Please let him hurt his back rather than you.

ouryve · 17/08/2015 22:18

And I'm glad he's listened and is going now.

I've whacked DH in my sleep a few times (over many years - incidents are few and far between). In my case, I'm usually dreaming about being in a fight of some sort and he happens to be in the way of my movements rather than the target, not that it feels any different to him when he gets an elbow in the face or a foot in the arse. What's going on with your DH sounds very different, though, and pretty frightening.

Reubs15 · 18/08/2015 07:36

So so so pleased he's going. My ex sexually assaulted me a few times in his sleep whilst we were both asleep. He was apologetic but didn't see it as a big deal as he was asleep. One time I woke up very quickly to discover he wasn't asleep that time. Needless to say I threw him out in the middle of the night! He lived in a different city but I didn't care!
I'm pleased your dh has seen sense now and is going. It's truly terrifying. I hope things improve

MrsBobDylan · 18/08/2015 07:53

Op, I read about a woman whose H did this to her for years. After a long time she realised he was just abusive and used the fact he was 'asleep' as a cover to rape and physically abuse her. Please think about getting some support and find someone to talk to in RL.

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 18/08/2015 08:49

Well this morning he has taken the letter to work last night we agreed that he wouldn't move the appointment or cancel and reschedule etc!

I've got the number so I might call the dept and see if he has done anything, not that they would talk to me I suppose?

Why take the letter to work?

I'll call him in a bit and ask why, I know he needs to confirm the sleep study so maybe that's it?

Also I now know that dh managers wife is a mumsnetter, please don't show him this thread if you are L.

OP posts:

FrancesOldhamKelseyRIP · 18/08/2015 08:51

Is he not just going to show the letter to HR?

Fairenuff · 18/08/2015 08:53

If he does try to change the appointment, that tells you all that you need to know. He just doesn't care if he hurts or kills you. Do you really want to stay with a man like that?

redshoeblueshoe · 18/08/2015 08:54

Esme - that is really good. I would assume he has taken the letter to show he has a genuine appointment, as you said they wouldn't be able to give him time off. That is what I would do if my employer was saying I couldn't have time off.

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 18/08/2015 09:10

I think it is probably that red and frances

fair I'll have to do something if he goes against what he said last night. I wouldn't want to be him if he does cancel etc, I'm a very calm person and we rarely argue etc so I'll probably got apocalyptic.

OP posts:

NotYouNaanBread · 18/08/2015 09:11

I would totally assume that he is bringing the letter to verify the importance of the time off. He is afraid his boss will think he's slacking.

redshoeblueshoe · 18/08/2015 09:14

If he had just sneakily wanted to cancel he could have just popped the number in his phone. I think he does want to show it to his boss.

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 18/08/2015 09:21

You can understand my thought process though, I feel like I'm being paranoid

OP posts:

TriJo · 18/08/2015 09:27

My DH has night terrors and has accidentally hit me in the face in his sleep before, nothing sexual beyond grabbing a bit of boob though. He'd be happy to get a sleep study done. Your DH is being completely unreasonable if he doesn't go.

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 18/08/2015 09:29

I've emailed him to ask if he confirmed the app etc xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Esmeismyhero · 18/08/2015 10:38

Right he has said he tried to move it but the next app was 3 weeks away so he decided to do it next week as the original app.

He said he asked them what time he will be discharged so he can go to site still and they said 930am latest so he is happy about that. I said as long as it doesn't skew the results and he is getting the full study then that's fine.

What a bloody palava

OP posts:

TrobadoraBeatrice · 18/08/2015 10:57

Hang on, so last night you agreed he wouldn't move the appointment, but he tried to anyway? WTF is he playing at? He went back on what you agreed - never mind the fact that he couldn't move it, he still tried to. Seriously, you need to call him on that.

I bet he will ask to be let out early too when it comes to it.

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