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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About dh saying he can't attend sleep study

111 replies

Esmeismyhero · 17/08/2015 16:32

So for the past yr and a half dh has been doing things in his sleep examples:

Threatening to punch me
Elbowed me in the mouth and I got a fat lip
Trying to have sex with me (this is the annoying one as he is 6'7" and 20 of stone so he's massive and it's hard to push him off)
Calling me derogatory names

He has been asleep, completely asleep it's only when I've shouted stop or dh name that he snaps out of it, I've been a bit scared to sleep with him tbh.

He finally went to the Drs after he tried to punch me as by then we knew it wasn't just a phase, dh is very apologetic in the morning and never remembers.

Anyway we have waited over 7 months for an appointment and he finally got one a few weeks ago, they have booked him in for a sleep study for 48 hours next week. Dh has been very moody lately and today has decided he can't attend the sleep study as he has too much work on Hmm

I've said that he has to go as I'm scared of sleeping with him and not to sound too dramatic but I don't partially want to deal with this anymore. He slept on the sofa for a week but says his back hurts so has been sleeping in the bed but I'm scared.

I'm not very happy about him basically saying he's not going to do it, I think he needs to. It's not fair on me.

I want to say that if he doesn't go then he cannot sleep with me until he has done it even if that takes months!

Aibu? This is serious :(

OP posts:
Yarp · 17/08/2015 17:19

OP

Because you said you have posted about him before, I have looked at some of those threads. He's not nice in other ways is he, ? This is only one of the things he has done that shows he does not put your wellbeing very high on his agenda

LumpySpacedPrincess · 17/08/2015 17:19

Are you sure he is asleep when he does these things? Is he worried about getting busted at the sleep clinic?

Yarp · 17/08/2015 17:24

He is not 'usually lovely'. He is lovely enough to keep you where he wants you. If you are scared of him, this may be the opportunity you need to ask for RL help. I'm sure if you wanted it, your GP would be interested to hear about his lack of willingness to solve this and therefore put yo under thread

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/08/2015 17:30

"I want to say that if he doesn't go then he cannot sleep with me until he has done it even if that takes months! "

I have to say that this would be a perfectly reasonable thing to say to him.

This issue here is YOUR safety. If he is not prepared to make that his number one priority, then I would not have him in my bed until he did. Sorry, but fuck sleeping on the sofa being uncomfortable, fuck his discomfort at his behaviour being observed during this study - he either puts your safety first in his priorities, or he sleeps elsewhere. I don't see any reasonable alternative (apart from attending his appointment, of course).

HungryHorace · 17/08/2015 17:31

My first thought is what LumpySpaced said above...are you sure he's actually asleep?

I think him refusing to go would be a deal breaker for me as its just not safe to stay with him, especially if he refuses to get treatment.

Yarp · 17/08/2015 17:40

under threat, not thread (my last post above)

Fairenuff · 17/08/2015 17:46

OP from what you have described, he could easily kill you. I'm not being dramatic, if a 6'7" tall, 20 stone man punched you he could kill you with one blow.

How are neither of you taking this seriously?

bloodyteenagers · 17/08/2015 17:56

He would have two choices.
Attend the clinic.
Or he moves out.

No debate. I don't care how nice he is when awake. He is a danger when sleeping.

Squitten · 17/08/2015 18:06

What bloodyteenagers said. Exactly.

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 17/08/2015 18:14

fair I AM taking this seriously. Hence my post and my nagging of dh.

I'm going to talk to him when dc are in bed about it

OP posts:
trufflesnout · 17/08/2015 18:16

I agree with others, if this was my DH then refusing the appointment wouldn't mean he would be sleeping on the sofa - it would mean he would have to leave the house.

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 17/08/2015 18:17

Mini talk just now and he's fucking me around Angry

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 17/08/2015 18:18

Grrrr, when will he take it seriously ? When he has thumped you ?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 17/08/2015 18:24

Well he either cares about you or he doesnt. sounds to me like he doesnt.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 17/08/2015 18:30

He is putting you at risk for what exactly? I would seriously consider that he is faking the whole thing.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 17/08/2015 18:31

What do you mean fucking you around? Hmm

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 17/08/2015 18:33

I'll explain in detail in a min korean just getting dc in bed

OP posts:
Spadequeen · 17/08/2015 18:36

He goes, either to the sleep clinic or to his mums/mates/the local park bench. His choice, but he goes.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/08/2015 18:36

I'm slightly concerned about the safety of your children to be honest. So far he has limited his beating and raping to the person he is in bed with but I don't know enough about sleep disturbance to know if there is a chance he will move to another room.

It's a low chance I guess but is it low enough?

You may forgive him for harming you but could you forgive him harming them? Especially as he knew it was a risk and didn't bother to try to prevent it?

Booboostwo · 17/08/2015 18:51

He is so shockingly unconcerned about this he must be faking being asleep. Be very careful OP.

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 17/08/2015 18:54

So I've spoken to him, he said as he has work he is going to call the hospital and try to 1. Move it to the week after (fat chance that's going to happen) or 2. See if he can be discharged earlier since he has to go to site (which apparently out of the 1000s of ppl who work in the company only he can do the job Hmm

I've said it's not good enough and the talk ended as we were putting dc in bed.

I'm going to talk again in a bit when we go downstairs. Thank you everyone. I feel. Bit alone since I don't really want to discuss this in rl. My dsis and dm know and In the words of my dsis "he needs to buck the fuck up" and I agree.

He wouldn't be able to hurt the dc. I'm a light sleeper and we have very creaky floors. I would not put the dc in danger, i have thought about the dc we used to co sleep but don't anymore. He has to pass me to get to the dc. They are in no danger imho.

He is asleep, he is definitely not faking it. He is 100% asleep so please no more about him faking it :/ that's not the case.

I'll update when I've spoken to him, I feel more confident being stern a bitch about it now

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 17/08/2015 19:01

And if he punches you so hard you lose consciousness, then heads for the DC, what then?

Agree with others - he has to move out if he won't do this and follow their instructions, ie take medication if told. I would be sleeping behind a locked door let the very least if not.

Holidayornot · 17/08/2015 19:02

I haven't read your previous threads and don't know anything about this man.

If what you're describing is accurate it is parasomnia. This can have devastating consequences if left untreated. I have come across cases of men sexually assaulting their own children in a verifiably parasomniac state. There is no way of undoing the damage caused.
I used the word treated above and this is not, strictly speaking, accurate. But there are measures that can be employed to deal with parasomniac behaviours. A sleep study is one element of a fact gathering exercise that will be employed prior to diagnosis.
If he doesn't avail of this opportunity and doesn't deal with this issue you need to be aware that the consequences could be devastating.

CycleChic · 17/08/2015 19:03

He needs to do 3 , tell work that he can't attend site that day as he's got a hospital appointment. If someone truly can't cover, the work will have to wait a day.
I think that you should sleep in another building room until he's implimented whatever the sleep docs suggest - starting tonight.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 17/08/2015 19:08

If he knows he's doing this but won't take any steps to rectify it then I wonder if he would be considered to be responsible for assaulting you. Just musing as to whether that's something you could strengthen your argument with.