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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About dh saying he can't attend sleep study

111 replies

Esmeismyhero · 17/08/2015 16:32

So for the past yr and a half dh has been doing things in his sleep examples:

Threatening to punch me
Elbowed me in the mouth and I got a fat lip
Trying to have sex with me (this is the annoying one as he is 6'7" and 20 of stone so he's massive and it's hard to push him off)
Calling me derogatory names

He has been asleep, completely asleep it's only when I've shouted stop or dh name that he snaps out of it, I've been a bit scared to sleep with him tbh.

He finally went to the Drs after he tried to punch me as by then we knew it wasn't just a phase, dh is very apologetic in the morning and never remembers.

Anyway we have waited over 7 months for an appointment and he finally got one a few weeks ago, they have booked him in for a sleep study for 48 hours next week. Dh has been very moody lately and today has decided he can't attend the sleep study as he has too much work on Hmm

I've said that he has to go as I'm scared of sleeping with him and not to sound too dramatic but I don't partially want to deal with this anymore. He slept on the sofa for a week but says his back hurts so has been sleeping in the bed but I'm scared.

I'm not very happy about him basically saying he's not going to do it, I think he needs to. It's not fair on me.

I want to say that if he doesn't go then he cannot sleep with me until he has done it even if that takes months!

Aibu? This is serious :(

OP posts:
ThisIsClemFandango · 17/08/2015 19:11

I really feel for you OP, and i know how scary it can be as DP has done some of these things in his sleep (trying to have sex, shouting at me, he slapped me across the face once - he was absolutely definitely asleep) this was a few years ago and it only happened the three times.

Luckily it seemed to be a faze for him, he was going through a particularly stressful time at work and once things calmed down his sleep went back to normal. If it had carried on or if it starts up again we will have to go to the doctors too because it was awful.

He really needs to get it sorted for your sake. It sounds like he's in denial about it and doesn't want to acknowledge its a serious problem. Hope you're ok and can get through to him that he needs to do it. Flowers

Whattocallme · 17/08/2015 19:14

I'm worried for you tonight when you try and make him see sense.

He may have medical reasons for why he doesn't realise he is hitting you and forcing you to have sex but what's his excise for being a twat when he is awake?

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/08/2015 19:14

If he knows he's doing this but won't take any steps to rectify it then I wonder if he would be considered to be responsible for assaulting you. I don't know what the legal position would be but I would blame him. He is basically saying that his site, his job, is more important than attempting to rape you. Because that's what it is. He may be asleep but it is not consensual and he can choose to either sort this out or continue to assault you. He should be doing everything he can to sort it out.

LazyLohan · 17/08/2015 19:14

I think you should kick him out if he doesn't go to the appointment or take medication. He could seriously hurt you, if he's not prepared to do anything to prevent that then he doesn't respect you enough to be your husband.

Holidayornot · 17/08/2015 19:25

Legally if he is aware of parasomniac activity and takes no steps to inhibit behaviour he is criminally liable for his actions

redshoeblueshoe · 17/08/2015 19:25

After reading Holidayornot's post I really think he should sleep somewhere else. It hadn't dawned on me that your children could be in danger.

Castrovalva · 17/08/2015 19:34

In the light of holidays information on liability. He might not have a job if he keep this up?

TheHumourlessHarpy · 17/08/2015 19:42

This reply has been deleted

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RightHandRed · 17/08/2015 19:43

That's interesting, Holiday, I was wondering if that would be the case. Perhaps the prospect of criminal charges the next time he assaults you might motivate him to sort this OP?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/08/2015 19:45

If he is 6 foot 7 and weighs 20 stone would you really be able to stop him if he was harming your children?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 17/08/2015 19:50

I thought I'd be laughed at for suggesting that so thanks for confirming it holiday
I agree that if he's given the OP a solid whack to the head she might well be unconscious and in no position to protect anyone.

Original poster
Esmeismyhero · 17/08/2015 19:52

Right.... He is going. Good.

Dc are safe. They will not be hurt. I don't want to feel even sicker than I already do. So please can we drop the talk inc my dc.

he is being more reasonable now. It's bloody horrible going through this and being scared. He has never NEVER left the bed and walked around during these episodes btw.

I agree though if he did something anything and he hadn't got treatment for the sleep disorder then he would be criminally responsible but that won't happen because dc and I are safe while he is asleep.

Some posters have made me even more scared.

He is going to go to the WHOLE appointment and won't be a knob anymore.

Good because I would ltb

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 17/08/2015 19:53

I am astounded that he is not taking this seriously. I would have gotten all my savings together and gone for a private appointment next day, not waited 7 months to then cancel the appointment for no good reason.

Booboostwo · 17/08/2015 19:54

Sorry x-post. Glad he's going to get help.

Gooseberrycrumble2 · 17/08/2015 19:54

It's a no brainer for me. Go to the appointment of sleep downstairs/ live elsewhere. He needs to take your safety seriously

Holidayornot · 17/08/2015 19:55

It could potentially amount to a defence of automatism if he could prove that it was the first ever occurrence and he couldn't have anticipated the risk or had any foresight of his actions.
If he has engaged in parasomniac activity prior to a particular event and therefore was aware of the risk it would effectively negate the defence.
I'm not an expert but that's my understanding.

CatMilkMan · 17/08/2015 19:56

I'm so glad he going, I hope things work out for you.

Holidayornot · 17/08/2015 19:56

Sorry x-post.
Glad he's going. It's tough for him too. It's a very difficult condition.

CycleChic · 17/08/2015 19:57

Good because I would ltb that's a relief OP!

RightHandRed · 17/08/2015 19:59

Very glad he's going.

Garlick · 17/08/2015 19:59

Phew. That's a relief Flowers I'm appalled that it took so much fuss to get him to go! I mean, if I found out I was abusing someone in my sleep, I'd be asking them to lock me in a different room at night!

Post back if it stays difficult :) Good luck.

Heebiejeebie · 17/08/2015 20:02

I agree that it sounds a lot like RBD - REM sleep behaviour disturbance - which can be diagnosed on a sleep study and treated. If he's 29 stone he might have obstructive sleep apnoea which can be a trigger and can be easily treated, even without medication. Is he refusing to have the test because he's frightened, or worried about being labelled as crazy etc? Often a single night's study is sufficient so can you encourage him to go for the first night and leave if he really has to? I presume it's not that he doesn't care, lots of people are terrified of being investigated. Hope you can find a way.

Fairenuff · 17/08/2015 20:03

Good, now that's what I call taking it seriously. There really is no discussion to be had is there. He either goes to sleep study or leaves the house. You cannot gamble with your own safety.

In the meantime he should be back on the sofa.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 17/08/2015 20:07

Sorry for alarming you Flowers

Hopefully this can be sorted out for you now he's going.

creampie · 17/08/2015 20:07

Slightly off topic, I know, but he wouldn't necessarily be criminally liable. There was a man from Neath, South Wales, who strangled his wife in their camper van as he believed she was an intruder. He had had night terrors for about 50 years and had never sought treatment. He was deemed to be not in control of his actions and not a danger to anyone else so the jury had to acquit him.

I can't link here, but it's quite a well known case. About 2009 I think.