AIBU to ask if anyone else hates social engagements and wishes everyone would leave them alone?

[messalina]

Just that really. To the outside world, I come across as sociable, entertaining (well, I like to think so) and friendly. Inside, with about ninety per cent of social engagements I am just thinking "When is this going to be over?" or "How can I wriggle out of a return match?". I have a very demanding job, a beautiful DD and a lovely husband I want to spend time with, a hobby I absolutely adore (running on my OWN). There are some social engagements I genuinely look forward to so I am not a complete sociopath but I am getting particularly fed up with certain categories esp mothers of DD's friends who want to befriend me and I have NO TIME! They are lovely, but I would rather be on my OWN or with my FAMILY! I also get bored of socialising after about 2-3 hours. I have had it by then and just want to go home and unwind.

Is it normal to see socialising as a form of duty rather than a form of fun?? Or are you all social butterflies? Most days I do just want everyone to F* off and stop asking me out for dinner/coffee/lunch/walks. Am I a total cow for feeling this way? Everyone is lovely but I crave time alone.

I am you OP and the older you get, the worse (or better) it gets. I am getting to be a grumpy resentful old bugger when people take up my time for no good reason. I hate going out now and get so stressed about attending the works Xmas do, I am not going this year as I am washing my hair and watching all the episodes of the Clangers on my Digibox that night whatever night it is

ijustwannadance - all day weddings?! Ugh.

I used to be extrovert a child but have always had the sensory overload problem.

Magick - I often do call the shots in a conversation, it's my way of making difficult situations less boring. But it doesn't change how much downtime I need.

I'm sure I'm at the "more sociable" end of a scale but only with my real friends, I don't count chatting all day at a wedding which is the sort of thing that makes little pieces of me die....!

I've read the Susan Cain book but it didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. I suppose it might be helpful if you had someone in your life who didn't get it, you could pass it to them for a better understanding or something. I think it's a great shame that so many workplaces are geared up for extroverts but I can't see that changing.

I'm feeling the need to join in this conversation after having to go to a party where I knew only 3 people, yesterday afternoon. I spent the whole of last week dreading it. The only way I can cope with this sort of thing is by boozing - I wonder if I should see someone about this actually. Since I have had my kids it has definitely got worse mainly because I have had to force myself into so many uncomfortable social arrangements "for the sake of my kids".

I struggle with socialising, I find it tiring and am happy with my nice quiet evenings.
My job involves talking to people all day, so when I can, I'm happy just sitting quietly on my own or with DH.
As I get older, it gets easier, I don't care what other people think.

I think the definition of introvert has become a bit muddled over time. Most people need time to themselves, a lot of people struggle with the ridiculous pace of life thrust upon us now, interaction and being 'on' is the norm, we're all hooked up to the internet at all times, school and work are set up in ways that encourage constant interaction.

Most people feel reluctant to go out a lot of the time. Most people wish they could prioritise better, do less, spend more time on themselves and those they love.

I don't think any of the above necessarily means you're introverted. Same as extroversion doesn't mean good social skills or great at schmoozing and small talk.

I think the distinction between the two is fundamental. Some people are energised by the external. Some by the internal. Works the other way round too. An introvert will be drained by giving so much of themselves in the same way as an extrovert will struggle when forced into isolation. Most of us are somewhere in the middle with a leaning either way. There's massive variation in preferences, personality and abilities which have nowt to do with where you fall on the spectrum.

I think modern life is providing a weird dichotomy. It's forcing us all to be extroverts and celebrates that state but it contrarily forces all of us to wish for isolation.

I am an introvert btw. Classically and fundamentally.

MagickPants, some people are just wired differently.

Saul - I definitely get my energy from the internal.

but I don't count internet socialising as a drain, probably because I can do it as and when I want. You might have meant being constantly connected for work or family demands though I guess?

I do think a lot of people are overly busy but my perception is that many set it up that way because they don't like to be un-busy or alone for even a very short period.

OP are you me ? I could have written every one of your posts ! I am only child and i need my space or i get ratty. We have had foreign students (between 4 and 8 at any one time) since the middle of june, BIL and SIL live with us, MIL is around a lot and DH has been off work on leave for 6 weeks and when the last students go home on tuesday my BF and her DH are staying with us.

I will be popping a party popper on wednesday when everyone has finally fucked off and left me alone gone home.

This thread gives me a wonderful coming home feeling.

Went to a wedding this weekend. I'd been dreading it for weeks, just from the enforced socialising aspect, and I am delighted it's over. It was the kind of wedding everyone else seem to thoroughly enjoy, relaxed, welcoming, good vibe, but torture for me. All those people. The need to perform for 10 hours. Utterly wearing.

I realised the other day that I probably put more energy into creative and convincing reasons why I can't attend things than I put into attending them.

I've met my people, hello

I don't mind family gatherings so much, but too many of them start to wear me out.

There are some permanent hours coming up at work (I'm a bank domestic for the nhs) and the hours will be weekend work, I'm going to apply, I've put my name down to work boxing day, not christmas day as I do enjoy it as we have dcs under 10.

I'm not bothered about meeting up with anyone, I have 4 dcs, eldest is 19 but the other 3 range from 9-13 months, so I'm busy and completely exhausted, I'm happiest in my pj's browsing on here

I quite often feel like a spare prick at a wedding at social events, much rather be putting up some shelves or tackling bathroom tile mould

Oh i hear you. I am always to be found in the kitchen at social events because it gives me something to do and i don't have to talk to anyone.

I can understand what you are saying. I do enjoy 'getting things done' myself but this post makes me sad. It makes me sad because I am a single parent which can be very lonely because you become aware that most people are busy with there own family which is there preferred option. How would you feel if you lost your partner for one reason or another?

Having a police officer husband and both of us working shifts plus a child presents marvellous getting-out-of-things opportunities. Everyone always believes you when you text "sorry i can't make it tonight, DH has been called into work :(" when the actual truth is more like "i can't be bothered to go out. I am spending the evening in my knickers watching crap tv and ironing"

YANBU
Im the same. Hate, hate socialising. I am talking to people all day (nurse) and just want to chill when im not working.
I used to get invited to social events at work but im the oldest in our group, the others all have young children and do softplay etc. Im sooo glad mine are 17+
Its kind of them to include me of course but I think they get it now!
DH on the other hand wil go to the opening of an envelope so I let him get on with it. He likes to stay until the bitter end too which infuriates me. I just want to go home!!

lostalot i would probably be even more antisocial as i would have nobody tediously forcing making me go out

Yes. I hate the enforced ones. My 'social' events consists of me and a couple of friends, food, beer and a board game (yes really!) card against humanity is a fave or even dungeons and dragons. Ok. its out the bag. Phew!

I'm not big on social chit chat. People get pissy with me when I don't ask about their kids/OH. I'm not that interested tbh but it also never crosses my mind because they are not there. I want to have a discussion with the person in front of me. It doesn't help I cannot fake sympathy so I don't show it and I come across as cold. But I'm not overly emotional anyway.

I find after a social thing I'm exhausted and need to block out the world for a day which is odd because I can get up on stage recite a monologue, give a speech to a group or chair a debate. Those Don't drain me at all :s

there are a lot of us about

There are a LOT of introverts in the world, but we just aren't as OBVIOUS as extroverts.

'I find after a social thing I'm exhausted and need to block out the world for a day which is odd because I can get up on stage recite a monologue, give a speech to a group or chair a debate. Those Don't drain me at all '

I think this is classic introvert stuff as well bettyberry. I'm the same. I think because there is a 'script', an agenda, a scheme in place in those situations, you know what you're doing and it all happens within pretty clear boundaries. Socialising and chit chat and all that also has rules, but its more spontaneous, and you're often having to answer questions about yourself, so its all a lot more personal. Not all of us are comfortable with that.

Magick, they're interesting questions. I don't think very much about us is set in stone, and I don't believe in 'hardwiring' at all. Brains are 'plastic', they change in response to experiences and environment. My own introverted ways (in my opinion) are down to growing up in a very dysfunctional, emotionally toxic family where everyone had a role, and you were expected to stick to the script. No-one was allowed to have their own feelings or opinions or be an individual. Yes, I'm in therapy So I'm good at playing the role expected of me (social butterfly at party, smiley chatty wedding guest or whatever) but it drains me so much. I need recovery time afterwards. I've only started to acknowledge this in the last few years and being aware of it means I can take much better care of myself. I used to think there was something wrong with me because come on, you're 'supposed' to enjoy stuff like that. It's a relief to hear that others feel the same!

Oh my goodness - thanks for this thread. This is so me.

I haven't always been this way and use to love going out and socialising. However now I find it a chore unless it's with a few certain people.

I've often wondered whether it's because I've become more isolated having a DS with asd, also had the parental guilt I made him this way because I don't like it, (except he's very social in his own way!).

What I've realised though is I'm actually an introvert - even when I was very social I enjoyed sitting and watching or chatting to just 1/2 people when out.

Another high functioning introvert here! I put on a good show but I'm always glad to get away from everybody after a couple of hours. I have a very social job and after a long day it practically fills me with dread having to go out and be interactive all evening. I have a very small circle of dear friends that I enjoy meeting up with but we are all so busy and/or exhausted. If it's a work do I ALWAYS get out of it somehow and I do just tell them I'm anti-social which puzzles them when they realise I'm not joking. I just prefer to be at home or out with my family. That and the fact I do find most people are annoying, ignorants f***s!

People just differ.
Buy and read Quiet - a book about the different personality types. Apparently a lot of the most successful business people are the non sociable ones and it has been wrong that business puts such priority on the out going people.

I like being alone when I get the chance, but being so sure I am right means I see that as a huge advantage and not a negative thing at all. In fact those who need others to feel good are the inadequates who will be on gransnet in 40 years complaining about being "lonely". I 've never been lonely for one second of my entire life because I always have my wonderful self. She is ever present.

Exactly people differ. There's no right way to be and there's no need to call people who thrive on company 'inadequates'.

This isn't the Jets v the Sharks.

Another introvert here. I also don't like Christmas -at least I hate all the enforced socialising it entails. I do like decorating the tree and anything involving carols and candles, but not three days of relatives. I love my own immediate family and the odd day out with friends. I've never been to a works 'do' and have acquired a reputation for bookish eccentricity. If I have to go out with other people I like the cinema or theatre where I am not responsible for entertaining them.

@ RedDaisyRed. It's tragic that that attitude is common amongst "introverts".