AIBU to ask if anyone else hates social engagements and wishes everyone would leave them alone?

[messalina]

Just that really. To the outside world, I come across as sociable, entertaining (well, I like to think so) and friendly. Inside, with about ninety per cent of social engagements I am just thinking "When is this going to be over?" or "How can I wriggle out of a return match?". I have a very demanding job, a beautiful DD and a lovely husband I want to spend time with, a hobby I absolutely adore (running on my OWN). There are some social engagements I genuinely look forward to so I am not a complete sociopath but I am getting particularly fed up with certain categories esp mothers of DD's friends who want to befriend me and I have NO TIME! They are lovely, but I would rather be on my OWN or with my FAMILY! I also get bored of socialising after about 2-3 hours. I have had it by then and just want to go home and unwind.

Is it normal to see socialising as a form of duty rather than a form of fun?? Or are you all social butterflies? Most days I do just want everyone to F* off and stop asking me out for dinner/coffee/lunch/walks. Am I a total cow for feeling this way? Everyone is lovely but I crave time alone.

I've Googled and it is extrovert. I'm not one!

yanbu. I really identify with "introverts are not just failed extroverts". Yes!

I look alright at social stuff, while DP hates it in a slightly inadequate overgrown indie kid way. As a result he thinks I'm cool with taking charge of talking to everyone, also there is the basic sexist expectation that the woman will do the social stuff relating to kids.

I do it because it has to be done. but I'm pissed off with DP's assumptions that

• I enjoy it (I make it look like I do because I'm more mature than to stand about looking pained because I have to talk to people)
• it's easy for me
• it's part of my leisure time

No no no no no no. My doing this stuff so that dds can have friends, is part of my work for this family, not part of my time off.

I also googled. I did a psychology degree in the Middle Ages and it was extravert then - the Oxford English Dictionary says extravert was the original spelling and is now only used in professional settings e.g. psychologists.

Phew. We are all right!

Just come back from lovely walk with DD picking blackberries. That is the kind of socialising it seems most of us like. Bunbaker, the neverending cycle of social engagements was definitely not meant to be a stealth boast. The thing that worries me is that I used to want to go out and see people. At university it was definitely a case of FOMO and I would hate spending evenings on my own, which I very rarely did anyway. But as soon as I started work, I slowly started disengaging from various people. And the number of people I enjoy spending time with grows smaller. Maybe we just get more comfortable in our own skin as we get older and we really don't give a stuff about missing "great nights out" because nobody dances the night away and drinks tequila slammers anymore anyway. They just talk about their DC's homework and house prices.

I'm at the age where all my contemporaries are getting engaged/married/pregnant.

A lot of people I know end up wasting, ahem, spending their weekends doing hen nights, bridal showers, baby showers, weddings etc. etc.

I have hardly any friends and I get all my weekends to myself. It's GREAT!

The responses on here make me wonder how many people dread seeing me just as much I dread seeing them. Or is it just that MN is full of introverts getting some time away from the rest of the family?!

Me me me!

I spend the time when I'm (rarely) out wondering when i can go home.

Even a fun night out is enhanced by the knowledge that the next evening I can make myself some dinner and slob on the sofa or have a bath and early night. Just as fun, if not more so.

A friend who knows me well jokes about my dates with myself. If I've promised myself I'm going to paint my nails or dye my hair on that evening, then I'm "busy" and all social invitations are turned down

I like my own company and after 40 odd years have no issue in making that known. I'm not going to do the social thing just to make other people feel better.

messalina I think that talking online by definition attracts disproportionate numbers of introverts - don't panic!

I do wonder about this with church. most of the people who go to it seem to be naice. they are constantly organising beetle drives (?) and things which don't seem to raise a huge amount of money. And the pressure to Get Involved which goes alongside all this sort of things makes me wonder: what is all this for?

• if because some people like hanging out together then fine - stop guilt tripping me
• if the money is the thing, it's a really inefficient way of raising it
• if bringing people in, bringing people together is the thing, then it's just bringing the same 15 families together, and it's not very inclusive(not deliberately exclusive, just not delivering any benefit to anyone who otherwise wouldn't get it)
• and my biggest bugbear is how inward looking it all is. What about the really needy people - emotionally, materially, socially, spiritually? None of them are there (in my crass and unknowing judgement). What, as a church, are we doing about reaching the needy? Because I have limited spare time and I'd rather use it on reaching the needy than on bolstering the Watson-Smiths to feel good about their busy little lives - they already look like they feel quite good enough (nothing against the Watson-Smiths of course)

I think I expect too much of the church but part of the reason I started going is because I don't feel like I contribute enough to the greater good and the church I went to as a child had a way of constantly getting you to be doing something useful. this isn't doing it for me

I'm curious, does the introvert thing also go with a lack of interest in going far and away to do things? I have a couple of friends who will happily do a day trip to somewhere every weekend and do a 2 hour train journey each side. I join them for the odd thing that I really want to do, but in general, the closer to home my social engagements are, the happier I am.

It's one reason I have such an "open house" policy with my friends. Much easier to keep a flat full of food and wine for regular visitors than to keep trekking about. (They don't come round unannounced but I'm fine for people to text and say "can I come over"). My sister is way more social than I am but she likes to be out, she doesn't like to entertain at home.

No I love travelling!

I go on my own, with ds or with a very few friends and family, but a lot of it has to be on my own terms. I love it now ds is older we'll go off exploring whenever and wherever we feel like it.

I might be an introvert but I'm not shy, not short of small talk and not a homebody!

I don't understand ppl who "go away" for the weekend. How do they clean, cook, relax and get ready for a week at work?

I also don't understand people who dress up on the weekend. by that I mean anything more than jean and a tshirt. I can't understand women who wear high heels, proper clothes and makeup just to go to tesco.

I can only do the whole "clean hair, dress up, make up on" thing five days a week.

Just got VERY excited as for the first time ever a post of mine is TRENDING!

Magicpants, what is a beetle drive? Sounds intriguing.

Left, most of my friends are the hyper kind who can easily do the weekend away, come back at 9pm, iron their work stuff, make a packed lunch and fall asleep the minute their head hits the pillow. I end up in "too tired to sleep" mode if I do that.

the other thing we have is how much they want to do in a day - many are happy to go to a gallery exhibition, have lunch, go to a film, then go to a bar and have drinks. And I'm in need of downtime so I say "okay, I'll join you for one of those things..."!

I am easily the least well dressed of my friends, they love their planned outfits. They love to shop for the planned outfits! I try to only shop online because I get "sensory overload" - not sure if that's an introvert-linked thing but guess it is. Busy shops and people rushing about do my head in.

I'm a sociable introvert. Need lots of "me" god, that sounds egocentric! time to recharge my batteries. never mind life that has to be lived, working, house, family commitments, kid, etc.

I also need connection to others because I'm not a hermit.

Sometimes hard to juggle.

It's a case of honouring my boundaries. still learning....

I think liking my own company is one of the reasons we stuck with one DC to be honest. Now she is a bit older we can quite happily do some nice co-existing at week-ends. The thought of another dependent baby or toddler asking me to play with it fills me with dread. DH desperately wants a dog and says I could run with it to protect me from psychopaths off-road but to be perfectly honest, the dog would be too much company. I would not want the dog to be interrupting my "totally on my own time" by coming in and wagging its tail at me. That's why I prefer cats. Always feel dogs are a bit like humans stuck in a shaggy coat.

Yeah, I get what you mean by "sensory overload". I got that today as I HAD to go and buy new clothes!! Too many lights, noises, colours, crowds - and having to make CHOICES aaaargh!

You should all read this book www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-power-introverts-world-talking/dp/0141029196 it's really interesting and actually lots of introverts are sociable with good people skills. It is that need to recharge that usually defines an introvert and most of us have elements of both in our personalities.

I scored 67/70 as an extrovert on the Myers Briggs test that we did at work recently but even I find there are social occasions that I will happily miss as I need time to myself, it's quite normal!

that link no workee

Its weddings for me. Got one in a few weeks were i will only know the groom and my DP. Not too bad if just invited to evening do but full day?!

Introverts often have excellent people skills - often because they are trying very hard, are very attuned to the needs and feelings of other people - so of course they get tired.

Sensory overload - I totally get that. I can't bear trying to eat / drink / socialise / buy anything / drive when there is too much noise. I think it is supposed to be a deliberately confusing high energy environment which will make people less inhibited / less analytic, or something, and more likely to buy - it just makes me very stressed and I have to leave.

I used to love clubbing but that was different, almost the opposite - a blanket of sound that obviates the need for social multitasking. Now I don't go clubbing I can't bear that 4 4 to the floor noise that demands full attention

Sorry to disappoint but I myself have no idea what a beetle drive is.

not so keen on weddings (I didn't even like my own) but funerals are fine

I can paste the "work" persona on at funerals

Could have written your post myself OP. I said to DH only this morning, "I hate people grrrr." He feels same. I prefer animals but like you my people skills are actually one of my biggest most obvious strengths so nobody would believe the introvert thing.

I would be interested to know whether:

• extraverts / introverts are born or made; do our early experiences pre-dispose us to these?

• can you change? For instance: as an introvert, one of the things I am bad at (and make little effort to do on my own time) is manage social occasions to my own comfort or advantage. I am always the one fitting in. If I were (somehow, I have no idea how) to become the one calling the shots, or at least negotiating the shots, would I be more comfortable and less inclined to need time to recover from social intercourse? (I doubt it because I find when I do call the shots - when I am forced to - I worry so much about how other people are finding things and trying to compensate for all the choices they didn't make, I wear myself out) (I suppose I am trying to imagine becoming a person who effortlessly does it, not effortfully does it.... which begs the question)