To be totally hacked off that we've ended up the bad guys

[SEmyarse]

Ds is almost 19. For the last couple of years he has had a part time job out side school in a cafe. During the summer he works full-time there, earning good money. He no longer wants to come on family holidays or go to his gran's when we are away (understandably).

We have allowed him to stay home alone on 3 occasions. The first 2 times we came back to a bit of a mess and evidence of parties. Nothing too horrific, but disrespectful. On the 3rd occasion we gave him a specific set of rules. No alcohol in the house, if having guests they mustn't sleep in our bed and everything cleared up when we get home. We came home to a load of mess, with our bed clearly slept in and beer bottles on the bedside tables!

He didn't even attempt to conceal or clear up anything and knew he was banged to rights. He just said that he accepted the consequences and would be unable to stay at home alone. He said he'd already arranged with friends to stay there when we were away in the summer.

So now we've just been away for 12 days. He turned down the offer to go to his grans because he wanted to work. He put all his stuff in our shed, with sleeping bags and roll mats if necessary. There's even a tent in there somewhere.

We've come back to find he's been kipping on people's sofas (as arranged), but people are so utterly horrified that we locked him out that they've now offered for him to move in with them since things must be so bad at home! He's earning about £300 a week FFS and CHOSE to stay here (and break the rules in the first place).

He has utterly refused to use a laundrette since it will eat into his beer money, but when he ran out of clothes he just bought a new outfit for £40. He's been caught washing his pants in the work sink, so his workplace also think he's on his arse and have been going him free bits of food. i don't think he's spent a penny on any just eating cold beans out of tins and munching cucumbers! that he was donated. Don't ask about the cucumbers but he exchanged some with a local burger joint in return for free burgers.

He thinks its hysterical, and is proud of himself for not spending a penny. We get on pretty well on the whole and he's not annoyed with us for not letting him stay here, but he found it very funny telling me all the people I ought to avoid that are furious with me. Some of these people knew my intentions but apparently never thought I would go through with it. He's nearly 19! He can look after himself in a situation he chose for himself!

You did good OP. If you don't want him being a freeloader then charge him rent and make him do shares of the house maintenance.

This is interesting. I thought most would frown on charging rent while he's in education. Termtime I reckon he earns about £50 per week. He already pays all his own travel (£10 per week bus pass) clothes, toiletries, phone and gym. I obviously hoped he'd save some but I don't think that's happening. Would it be unreasonable to ask for £20 per week? We've already vaguely discussed this, and he seems amenable.

He does stuff round the house but DOES have to be asked. It gets done without complaint though. In all fairness he's rarely here, so makes little mess in communal spaces, and sorts out his own food about 60% of the time.

You I have been able to leave my 19 year old by himself since he was 16. He sometimes comes away with us but hasn't got the same holidays. Generally speaking I come home to find rings aren't too bad. EG clothes washing done, cans of beer removed from the living room to the kitchen but not quite made it to recycling- minor stuff really.
However i would have the same attitude as you if he heaved like yours.

All these people saying it's horrible that you locked him out of his own home, well fuck them! It's your home and he had warnings how to be have. It was him that acted like a dick.

Why do you care what people think? It will only be fleeting thoughts as generally people are too wrapped up in themselves.
Next time he says you have to avoid someone just tell him to bring it on! Cheeky git! If anyone says anything, as people have said you just say ' and you believe that ( raised eyebrows!)

You know you are being played. He will be bored soon or other people will be.

Sorry about typos. I'm struggling a bit today.

He sounds great OP and if this is the worse he ever does you will be OK. In fact he sounds slightly bemused by the reaction of some people to his living conditions. My DS found the launderette at uni very disconcerting and didn't wash anything until his sister came to stay and showed him how. He had efficiently used the home washing machine for years.

Some people obviously have perfectly behaved DC but when I think of the parties I threw at my parents every summer... And I am an upstanding member of society. Plus I respected and loved my parents. He is not yet, to quote the great Judge Judy, fully cooked and I am sure will be fine. Just enjoy!

Freeloading is a ridiculous accusation to throw at a teenager with a summer job saving for money to get him through the next academic year.

Bemused is a good word. That describes how he is towards it all. Thanks.

OP, my parents charged me rent over the holidays but not when at Uni, what about that? If you think he's not bothering to save then that's a way to make him without him knowing about it by taking rent and putting it into an account for him? Friend's parents did that for her, she got used to paying rent and budgeting and cried in happiness to be given an extra 3k in savings when she moved out- all of which was her money but she would never have saved.

I would ask for £20 per week and save it for him. He's on his third sixth form year - he needs to accept that he has more responsibilities now. I'd just give him a job like the windows or vacuuming the hall, stairs and landing every week or something like that if he's rarely there.

Dd off to uni next month and knows she will be expected to pay rent when she comes back for the summer.

He's bemused is he Op? That people have reacted to the impression he has given them that he was virtually made homeless, that he didn't have enough food? That his friend has so little respect for you that he felt free to shout in the background of a phone call about how disgusting he thought you were? Wonder how come that guy felt so free to show his lack of respect for his mates mother... And your DS is bemused. Ok

If anyone approaches you accusing you of 'owt, the only response is to laugh heartily and say 'suckers'.

He's not really bemused. It's easier to act bemused than to say ''i have been disrespectful"

Please don't beat yourself up about this, OP.
It sounds like you're doing everything right and he's normally okay, except when you go away.
Some teens can be trusted at home alone, and some go wild. You gave him three chances and then out your foot down. And he defended you when his -knobbish mate was shouting insults down the phone. I'd concentrate on that (and ban that lovely specimen from the house)
Hopefully he'll start to be a bit more considerate

Some people obviously have perfectly behaved DC's not me, no such thing!

I have massive arguments about the state of the bedroom etc. the one thing I've never had problems with is leaving them alone once they got into their mid teens. I don't know why, there hasn't been any massive threats or lectures. DS1s girlfriend stays over when we are away and is probably more relaxed when we are not around but she's allowed to stay anyway.

Heck, when we were away last week we got a phone call from them asking how to make stew and Dumplings! Admittedly thewashing up was only half done!

Don't worry op. Things will be fine!

Ah, the Mk1 Adolescent Twat. What a happy time it was, couchsurfing, soapdodging, pissing off the 'rents.

He'll grow up, possibly after being punched fpr pisstaking.

I did.

Mmm, this is a tricky one.

I would be furious about the parties and having some random party goers sleeping in my bedroom. I think the locking out is the right consequence especially as you gave fair warning.

I would be irritated with anyone that criticised you for banishing him from the house. I'm surprised people believe him though. Whenever I hear the 'my parents chucked me out' story I don't assume anything either way. I would think most people would think the same.

I would be certainly be cross with your son but I wouldn't be as furious as sine other posters are suggesting. It sounds like he a lot of good points along with his bad points. I think the thing I would be most concerned about is the poor attendance at School/college. 80% is poor and must have effected his AS results.

I think asking for rent is a good idea - and I'd link it to his attendance and school/college.

His attendance needs to be close to 100% for A2. The best thing for him AND you are for him to go away to university next year. BDE at AS isn't great but if he works he could still go and find something constructive to do at Uni.

I know at 19 that you should expect them to be a bit more mature but I've found with my Uni age kids that they are amazingly sensible and hardworking most of the time but that you still get the occasional reminder that they are still young. It's all work in progress.

If you totally flip out its possible you will damage your relationship with him permanatly, do you really want that? I'd go for a medium flip out

BTW. I think there is a good chance that it will all work out for your son and you in the long run. I hope that one day you can both look back on this as an amusing incident. Fingers crossed.

Why don't you let him go, call his bluff? He'll soon realise that it is not so easy living sponging off other people and they will soon realise that he isn't that easy to live with. If he is 19 he can quite happily pay for a room in a house with his own money and he might start to appreciate you all a bit more.

I think he sounds hilarious, he has a real spirit about him and I wouldn't be surprised if one day I read in a memoir how he survived for 2 weeks with no home and no cash and swapped cucumbers for burgers.

He works, he's in education and is by all accounts a very nice son who helps put around the house.

No I wouldn't charge him rent but I'd let him know that I would start to expect some contributions to food every now and then with a top up shop and cooking a meal for the family, and he has to do his own laundry from now on.

I agree completely with Maryz (well said!). He sounds quite interesting, clever, and resourceful! Encourage him to begin to focusing on his future and how he plans to use his talents and abilities.

GloGirl, I think he sounds hilarious and adorable too!

I work with homeless teenagers who at points are complete twats that you could strangle, while being this they can also be hilarious because of their brass neck. We work with other agencies and many parents and we would have said to do exactly the same. He was given the option and dealt with the consequences, something I am forever trying to teach my lot.

I think the idea of taking a nominal amount off him is a good and you can always save it without telling him for the future. I do think having to pay for something other than what he wants will make it less of a shock when he does leave home when a disposable income of £300 after bills/rent may be unlikely. I think this is what went wrong with my DB, too much disposable income at a young age and not enough responsibilty

I don't think you need to be worrying about 'where you went wrong' with the freeloading thing, that's something for him to learn in his peer group and in life and others will pull him up on it, charm or not.

You sound like you've had a fairly balanced approached to the situation so it is unfair that you're being seen as the bad guys. To me, it's this he should feel ashamed of, that his actions/spin on things have made you look like horrible parents