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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be totally hacked off that we've ended up the bad guys

102 replies

SEmyarse · 16/08/2015 10:10

Ds is almost 19. For the last couple of years he has had a part time job out side school in a cafe. During the summer he works full-time there, earning good money. He no longer wants to come on family holidays or go to his gran's when we are away (understandably).

We have allowed him to stay home alone on 3 occasions. The first 2 times we came back to a bit of a mess and evidence of parties. Nothing too horrific, but disrespectful. On the 3rd occasion we gave him a specific set of rules. No alcohol in the house, if having guests they mustn't sleep in our bed and everything cleared up when we get home. We came home to a load of mess, with our bed clearly slept in and beer bottles on the bedside tables!

He didn't even attempt to conceal or clear up anything and knew he was banged to rights. He just said that he accepted the consequences and would be unable to stay at home alone. He said he'd already arranged with friends to stay there when we were away in the summer.

So now we've just been away for 12 days. He turned down the offer to go to his grans because he wanted to work. He put all his stuff in our shed, with sleeping bags and roll mats if necessary. There's even a tent in there somewhere.

We've come back to find he's been kipping on people's sofas (as arranged), but people are so utterly horrified that we locked him out that they've now offered for him to move in with them since things must be so bad at home! He's earning about £300 a week FFS and CHOSE to stay here (and break the rules in the first place).

He has utterly refused to use a laundrette since it will eat into his beer money, but when he ran out of clothes he just bought a new outfit for £40. He's been caught washing his pants in the work sink, so his workplace also think he's on his arse and have been going him free bits of food. i don't think he's spent a penny on any just eating cold beans out of tins and munching cucumbers! that he was donated. Don't ask about the cucumbers but he exchanged some with a local burger joint in return for free burgers.

He thinks its hysterical, and is proud of himself for not spending a penny. We get on pretty well on the whole and he's not annoyed with us for not letting him stay here, but he found it very funny telling me all the people I ought to avoid that are furious with me. Some of these people knew my intentions but apparently never thought I would go through with it. He's nearly 19! He can look after himself in a situation he chose for himself!

OP posts:
MagalyMaman · 16/08/2015 10:29

Ha! I don't believe for a minute that he's not desperate to move back in to a nice warm house with everything provided for him.........but instead of apologising for not having shown you and his home and the rules a bit of respect, instead he's going down the route of trying to make YOU feel guilty for having had a line that you don't want crossed.

I admire you and I'm sure many of the people he claims you need to avoid do too.

Don't whatever you do say sorry to him!

I was going to type something about if he moved back in he should pay rent, but honestly I think he'd be better off standing on his own two feet.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 16/08/2015 10:30

I'd be charging him rent, bills or telling him he needs to stand on his own two feet and move out.

suzannefollowmyvan · 16/08/2015 10:30

he's having a good laugh at your expense, openly taking the piss and you just have to suck it up

SirChenjin · 16/08/2015 10:31

I have an almost 18 - and I wouldn't be laughing if he showed us such little respect.

I'd shrug my shoulders at the people who were 'furious' at me (unless I knew them personally, in which case I'd ask them if he pulled the wool over their eyes the next time I saw them), and I'd be having a conversation about moving out into a room in a shared flat. He sounds like he needs his own place where he can act like a prat - let him go, it will do him good.

howtorebuild · 16/08/2015 10:33

Your neighbours and the party goers will know why you did it op.

suzannefollowmyvan · 16/08/2015 10:33

He's letting you know that he's the boss and he can do what he wants, he'll find a way to punish you if you try and stop him doing exactly as he pleases

MagalyMaman · 16/08/2015 10:34

Oh sorry, I should have rtft.

I don't think you are being unreasonable!!

suzannefollowmyvan · 16/08/2015 10:36

It is very common these days for adult children to live with parents well into mid 20's and beyond, he may feel that you are obliged to provide a roof over his head for several more years

janetandroysdaughter · 16/08/2015 10:37

Stick to your guns. If anyone is 'furious' with you, let them know the truth if you care about their opinion. People are babying him. They won't always. It's a horrible, selfish way to behave and something needs to snap him out of it, but I can't guess what, because you did everything right.

LavenderLeigh · 16/08/2015 10:38

Definitely agree with "is that what he told you?"
Perfect response.
Get a house sitter? Really? And who is going to pay for that?
Time for your DS to grow up instead of behaving like he thinks he is "getting one over" on you.
He fucked up three times before, giving you no choice.
How much digs money does he pay and what does he do around the house?

SEmyarse · 16/08/2015 10:38

Hmmmm. Pleasantly surprised that most people are OK with what I did. Maybe I won't get too much flack about it!

The 2 people that have offered him to move in and be treated like a son are a friends mum who I've found massively overprotective for years. Her 18 year old still has to babysit his 16 year old sister for the evening if she goes out. So i'm not surprised she's horrified.

And the other is a Croatian lady who's life he actually saved a few months back when she cut herself while cooking, passing out and bleeding horrifically. He called an ambulance and administered first aid. So that might explain why she's so over the top to help him. He's not interested in moving in with either of them though.

OP posts:
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 16/08/2015 10:38

Is he about to go off to university? If so, he is probably keen to have as much money saved as possible. This will all blow over pretty quickly.

sumoweeble · 16/08/2015 10:40

I think all is well with this story and there is no need whatsoever to get massively upset or kick him out or regret your actions or consider that he's a manipulative bad kid in a fundamental worrying way.

You have a nice relationship with your son

He has rules and boundaries

He is immature and cheeky and funny (in short, absolutely typical of many teenage boys/young men of this age, particularly with their mums)

He tries to get round the boundaries any way he can (normal)

You feel disoriented by his wily manouverings to break the rules (normal)

You stick to your guns (difficult, not as normal as it should be- well done you)

Everyone is fine and you all joke about stuff because essentially you sound like a family doing v well.

What does your partner think?.

SophiePen · 16/08/2015 10:43

It's not about how you ended up IMO, it's about how it got to this point in the first place.

I haven't got any teenagers yet but would be appalled that it had reached the point where I could not trust them.

Do you think he finds it hard to manage peer pressure regarding the parties etc?

I think I'll stick to my usual 'never going away at all ever' thing till mine have truly left home!

suzannefollowmyvan · 16/08/2015 10:44

Letting his mates sleep in your beds and making sure that you know about it is a great big 'fuck you'...Surely

Your most personal space, the marital bed ?

SirChenjin · 16/08/2015 10:46

He is immature and cheeky and funny

No he isn't. He really, really isn't. He's sticking 2 fingers up to his parents and being completely disrespectful.

LavenderLeigh · 16/08/2015 10:46

If an NT adult really thinks they are "entitled" to anything from their parents, other than love then they have a big shock coming! What if the parents want to downsize, or move to another part of the country? Are they supposed to stay put for their adult children?
Some parents let their adult DC continue to live with them, others encourage them to move out and flat-share so they can gain their independence.
It's up to each family and how the DC behave may play a part in this decision!

YouTheCat · 16/08/2015 10:47

But he doesn't have rules and boundaries, does he? He just rides roughshod over OP's rules.

I'd kick him out.

My dd is 20. She lives at home. I don't go away often and am happy for her to have a few friends over for a drink when I'm not here. But she knows any mess she clears up before I get back and anyone staying over is in her room or the spare room. All cleaning up is down to her. And she sticks to this because she knows otherwise I'd be livid and she'd be living with her dad who doesn't believe in the internet. Hmm I'm not much of a one for rules. She had a pretty 'free range' time as a teen. It's about respect. Op's ds doesn't seem to have any.

comingintomyown · 16/08/2015 10:48

The only thoughts I'd be having would be how nice to come home to the house how I left it and would do the same again. I wouldn't have given a second chance either.

I agree with previous pp I never had parties or expected the run of Mums house if she was away, the opposite in fact. My two teens talk about free houses where parents have gone away and I find it incredible the way the whole friendship group moves in for the duration.

OP YANBU and I wouldn't give it another thought

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 16/08/2015 10:48

Let him go and stay with those who have offered him shelter, let's see if they are so keen on him staying when he disrespected their homes too.

Stand your ground OP. He's an adult and as an adult if you don't like the house rules you live under you move out and make your own way in the world.

suzannefollowmyvan · 16/08/2015 10:49

It's not so much that he did it, more the way he deliberately left the evidence on display

dilbert19912 · 16/08/2015 10:51

You did the right thing. At 19 maybe it's time he learnt his lesson. If anyone is actually furious with you they are idiots.

FeelingSmurfy · 16/08/2015 10:53

Would gran stay in your house? That's what I would do next time if she would agree, son gets to stay in his own house but gran is there so no bad behaviour

SEmyarse · 16/08/2015 10:53

Not sure what to do about taking rent off him. He's still technically a full time student. He only earns good money in the summer (sea front cafe), it's very much part time the rest of the year. I let him keep last summer's money, he said he was going to get driving but of course that didn't happen.

I always said I wouldn't charge rent while he was in education, but he messed up his A-levels the first time so had to start again and still has a year to go. He only got BDE at AS, which is disappointing, and along with that he apparently only attended 80% last year. This is the only thing we REALLY argue about, but he seems determined to finish them. I don't know if its a waste of time or not.

Everyone loves DS! literally everyone, and he can talk his way out of any situation. Hence sweet talking his teachers for so long, and getting away with murder. He's always helping everyone, has volunteered with disabled children, knows everyone in the village of all ages and will chat to anyone, often runs errands for the elderly etc.

OP posts:
MrsGentlyBenevolent · 16/08/2015 10:54

I've skimmed through op, but just wanted to say I feel for you. One of my siblings did this, leading to a couple of do-gooders offering the exact same thing. 'Oh you poor thing, you can stay with us any time'. Stupid idiots really fell on their own swords when said sibling basically moved in, treated their house like a hotel, and even ran up some debts. At which point, they tried to get us to pick up sibling and sort it out, ha bloody ha. Nope, you're so worried about this shit-bag adult, they're your problem now Wink. Don't worry about other people, easy to judge when getting a story off a man-child. Start charging rent, time he stood on his own two - see how funny life is then.