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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be totally hacked off that we've ended up the bad guys

102 replies

SEmyarse · 16/08/2015 10:10

Ds is almost 19. For the last couple of years he has had a part time job out side school in a cafe. During the summer he works full-time there, earning good money. He no longer wants to come on family holidays or go to his gran's when we are away (understandably).

We have allowed him to stay home alone on 3 occasions. The first 2 times we came back to a bit of a mess and evidence of parties. Nothing too horrific, but disrespectful. On the 3rd occasion we gave him a specific set of rules. No alcohol in the house, if having guests they mustn't sleep in our bed and everything cleared up when we get home. We came home to a load of mess, with our bed clearly slept in and beer bottles on the bedside tables!

He didn't even attempt to conceal or clear up anything and knew he was banged to rights. He just said that he accepted the consequences and would be unable to stay at home alone. He said he'd already arranged with friends to stay there when we were away in the summer.

So now we've just been away for 12 days. He turned down the offer to go to his grans because he wanted to work. He put all his stuff in our shed, with sleeping bags and roll mats if necessary. There's even a tent in there somewhere.

We've come back to find he's been kipping on people's sofas (as arranged), but people are so utterly horrified that we locked him out that they've now offered for him to move in with them since things must be so bad at home! He's earning about £300 a week FFS and CHOSE to stay here (and break the rules in the first place).

He has utterly refused to use a laundrette since it will eat into his beer money, but when he ran out of clothes he just bought a new outfit for £40. He's been caught washing his pants in the work sink, so his workplace also think he's on his arse and have been going him free bits of food. i don't think he's spent a penny on any just eating cold beans out of tins and munching cucumbers! that he was donated. Don't ask about the cucumbers but he exchanged some with a local burger joint in return for free burgers.

He thinks its hysterical, and is proud of himself for not spending a penny. We get on pretty well on the whole and he's not annoyed with us for not letting him stay here, but he found it very funny telling me all the people I ought to avoid that are furious with me. Some of these people knew my intentions but apparently never thought I would go through with it. He's nearly 19! He can look after himself in a situation he chose for himself!

OP posts:

CombineBananaFister · 16/08/2015 10:56

YANBU. Does he pay rent Op and is he saving up for Uni? I only ask because going to such great lengths to avoid spending any of his money to the point he's happy to 'trick/let' people believe he's hard done by is awful and will give him a bad reputation eventually. It would be okay to be frugal if that's what he was doing but not at the expense of making you out to be a terrible parent and others funding him.

My brother was like this with money (saw all his earnings as his to play with not to be used for anythingelse) and at first it was funny, even admirable that he was so cheeky. Now it's gotten old and he's considered a freeloader who doesn't take responsibilty or pay his way and has lost friends over it.

wowfudge · 16/08/2015 10:56

He chose not to stay at his parents' house. He chose not to wash his clothes or eat properly.

I'd be having a chat about whether he is coming back or finding his own place.

Original poster

SEmyarse · 16/08/2015 10:57

Under no circumstances is gran being asked into my house to babysit my adult son! (And she wouldn't anyway).

OP posts:

sumoweeble · 16/08/2015 10:57

He does have rules and boundaries.
RULE: No trashing the house if home alone
CONSEQUENCE: You cannot stay home alone if you trash the house while we are away

This was followed through. He was not allowed to stay in his house while his parents were away because he trashed the house when allowed to do so on previous occasions. The boundary was enforced successfully. He has done his best to paint his parents in a bad light for this, obviously, but hopefully SEmyarse will ignore this normal teenage posturing and carry on regardless. I think she has handled this magnificently. She has had a nice holiday, come back to a clean house and funny banter with her son. This is imo a good result all round.

CalleighDoodle · 16/08/2015 10:58

He sounds really resourceful (and infuriating) and i bet he goes far!

SophiePen · 16/08/2015 10:58

Sweet talking people and getting away with murder sounds like someone who is complacent and overconfident, and clearly you can't trust him to say no to things that impact on you - trying to keep his mates happy is at your expense and he needs to be explained this to.

Boundaries need to be put in place though if you've let him be like this for a long time it may be too late.

Hes basically saying yes to everyone else while treating you really badly.

I wouldn't 'love' someone like that, I would be suspicious of them and see right through them.

howtorebuild · 16/08/2015 10:59

It sounds like op brought up a backlogger in training.

Nettletheelf · 16/08/2015 11:00

I'd have a chat with him about the freeloading, if I were you. Otherwise he might turn into one of those arses who never buys a round and/or bores everybody in the pub by talking about how he got a ton of bananas for 50p in Tesco by taking advantage of a pricing glitch etc. etc.

NoelHeadbands · 16/08/2015 11:00

So he's mastered the Public Image thing

The private one still needs work. I think you're going the right way about it, just keep sticking to your boundaries

SophiePen · 16/08/2015 11:01

I mean it's all very well saying 'Oh, ds, not again, you infuriating little git, you are so loveable though, I'll forgive you' but in truth his behaviour is more than irritating, it's wrong and it's unfair and it's actually unkind.

Maybe you have taught him that as long as he does a few good deeds, he can do whatever else he likes and you won't be angry - it's a dodgy premise on which to base your life as a young adult.

What happened to being straight with people, not just talking the talk?

suzannefollowmyvan · 16/08/2015 11:01

Charm can be very useful but people see through it eventually, or it doesn't work as well when you get older

sumoweeble · 16/08/2015 11:02

Is a backlogger someone who shits in the toilet cistern, howtorebuild?

howtorebuild · 16/08/2015 11:04

Maybe. cocklodger not backlogged.

SophiePen · 16/08/2015 11:04

Charm is probably one of the most overrated things a person can have.

If I meet someone 'charming' I immediately think 'Oh. What are you trying to hide?'

He needs to grow up if this is his fallback. Seriously. Obviously saving people's lives is great - but his laughter at the fallacy they believe and the lies he has told about you is pretty worrying.

Original poster

SEmyarse · 16/08/2015 11:08

To clarify - he's not remotely bothered that I locked him out. He freely admits that he chose his consequence, and isn't the slightest bit annoyed with me. If anything he seems relieved that he didn't have to deal with peer pressure to have a party.

What he thinks is hilarious, is that the rumour of him sleeping in a shed spread like wildfire followed by all the offers of help. I've actually been on the phone to him last week with a friend in the background who was shouting stuff to me at how disgusting I am, and he kept defending me and explaining that he knew this is what would happen. It's a friend who attended a previous party, who knew the consequences, but says I'm disgusting and NEVER thought I would follow through.

What I'm pissed off over, is how pathetic he's been with regard to going to laundrettes, and obtaining sensible food. He had the money and means to do so but he's behaved like a baby. He just thinks he's been clever.

So guess its not really about the locking out, but more about how he coped with it that's the bone of contention. We're both totally happy with the locking out bit.

OP posts:

Original poster

SEmyarse · 16/08/2015 11:10

I am worried he might become a freeloader. I'm unclear though what I've done wrong to allow this.

OP posts:

SaveMeBarry · 16/08/2015 11:12

Agree with sophie re the charm thing. I have a DB who was always charming, could chat to anyone, everyone thought he was a great lad because he could pass himself well anywhere.

Now in his mid thirties anyone who knows him sees through the charm. He's a lazy and selfish person who has no respect for anyone and the charming facade drops when he doesn't get the easy life he thinks he deserves. Charm is highly overrated!

howtorebuild · 16/08/2015 11:14

It's a bit late for a postmortum, he's an Adult now op.

sumoweeble · 16/08/2015 11:14

LOL - I had never heard the term backlogger. I shall mention it to my boys next time they are acting the goat.

How many of the people on here have teenagers? Because this kind of selfish, charming, annoying, immature behaviour is hugely typical of many, many teenage boys I know, and from talking to mates with slightly older kids it seems that it can continue well into the 20s (eeek!). I would say it's the developmental equivalent of toddler tantrums, tbh, which is not to say that intervention/rules/boundaries are not necessary and sorely needed just as they are with toddlers/ But I think it sounds like SE has got that balance about right as long as she doesn't let her son make her feel guilty for enforcing a very reasonable boundary.

SaveMeBarry · 16/08/2015 11:16

I am worried he might become a freeloader. I'm unclear though what I've done wrong to allow this.

Op I think that can happen when a person, especially teens, have all the benefits of adulthood with none of the responsibilities. It might be worth considering that he contributes to the household budget etc. If you wanted you could save that money separately and help him out down the line.

howtorebuild · 16/08/2015 11:18

I have backlogged teens. I was warned I was making a rod for my own back, was doing it all wrong when they were younger. I turned myself into knots doing as control freaks ordered me do and gave up. Did things my way and they are now great, the control freaks have it wrong I tell you.

NoelHeadbands · 16/08/2015 11:19

I have two teenagers and a younger child yes.

I dislike the 'my DC would never act like this' posts as a rule, but on this one I have to say I don't recognise that behaviour in mine, no.

thecatfromjapan · 16/08/2015 11:19

You sound as though you have a fundamentally good relationship. This sounds a bit bumpy but something he's leaving behind. My guess is thst he'll be a polite young man this time next year.

ouryve · 16/08/2015 11:21

He's an adult and he had the option of somewhere to stay. If he wants to be such a tosser, he can find his own place to live.

sumoweeble · 16/08/2015 11:22

The launderette/freeloading thing is totally his choice though. He'll grow out of it, most probably.

Charm as in charisma can be a great quality as long as it reflects genuineness and enthusiasm rather than a superficial manipulative attempt to get ones own way. But teenagers have to experiment with the latter and the fact that you see through it will eventually help him, I expect.

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