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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about the cost of a weekend break?

48 replies

DirtyMugPolice · 15/08/2015 16:47

DM is 60 in Feb 2016. She doesn't live in the UK so visting involves a flight and car hire. For her birthday weekend she wants to hold a big long weekend thing at her home so expects all UK relatives to fly over for this (about an hours flight). Two relevant issues - DS starts school in September and baby #2 is due in December - so can't book any flights until she is born as don't know name or date of birth yet!

So we're tied to specific dates with DS being in school that week (it isn't half term) as we'd have to go Friday to Sunday evening so he's back for school on Monday. Just looking at flights now - it's about £300 ish for 2 adults and 2 children
But those are now prices - I realisticly won't be booking until late December/January after I've got over having baby. Oh and there's the cost of a passport for baby too £80ish?

So at today's prices we are looking at £400 ish for the weekend. DM has already said not to get her a present thank fuck!

For all other parents 60th birthdays we have spent £50 ish. Also worth adding - I will be on maternity leave!

I'm worried. I don't think she knows how much it will cost us but even when she does I hunk she would expect us to spend it anyway. .She's very me me me and thinks she's vay important.

I'm seeing her tomorrow - how do I approach this? £400 ish at least for a Fucking weekend visit!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/08/2015 16:50

Tell her you would love to go but can't afford it. When people live in different countries then it is unrealistic to expect to always be able to celebrate big events together.

We have booked holidays in the past before a child has been born and they have just put infant x and changed if after they are born so if you do want to go worth checking if tans possible?

Rosieliveson · 15/08/2015 16:53

I would also say something before it gets nearer the date or anything else is planned or any one else is booked.

I think it's something that people who live abroad should be quite prepared for. It's a lot of money after all.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2015 16:57

"expects all UK relatives to fly over for this"
Are there a lot of UK relatives? Are most (all?) relatives in the UK(i.e. is she from UK and has retired abroad)? Is she putting everybody up, or will everyone have to pay for accommodation as well as transport?

Basically - is it worth pointing out to her the expense she's putting everyone to, and suggesting she hosts her party over here, maybe at yours if you have room or at a local venue? Not the same I know, but it doesn't sound to me as if she's actually thought this through.

LynetteScavo · 15/08/2015 17:00

Tell her you just can't afford it due to maternity leave. Tell her you really, really want to be there but you're sorry it's just not possible.

In all honesty I wouldn't fly with a baby that young (I know that's irrational and most people do).

LynetteScavo · 15/08/2015 17:01

Or could just you and the baby go?

No one can expect someone to attend a party just because they've been invited. If your DM does insist, she's being unreasonable. Agree to go next summer when you've saved some more money.

ilovesooty · 15/08/2015 17:09

So she's normally pretty self centred? Simply tell her now thatb it's out of the question - you simply can't afford it. Don't apologise, go into extensive explanations or give her any space to guilt trip you.

UpSeeDaisies · 15/08/2015 17:10

Not really answering your Aibu but you can definitely book in advance for an unborn baby and add their details later

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 15/08/2015 17:15

Thanks all. Yes Whereyouleftit they moved from the UK about 8 years ago. Reasoning was so that 'they weren't tied to any grandchildren before they arrived so couldn't go' (well DM said that DF never wanted to leave the UK, DM gave him the ultimatum that their marriage was over if he didn't go but that's a whole other thread on that kind of thing!)

Good to know about the baby thing too. Thank you.

lynette I could go with just baby but I have to be around to take DS to school as DH is a postman so gone by 6am!

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 15/08/2015 17:15

Yes really do tell her ASAP - as someone said above - 'I'm so sorry, love to be there but we simply can't afford it'. What on earth can she say to that? Perhaps she'll offer to pay - is she in a position to do that?

BackInTheRealWorld · 15/08/2015 17:17

Just tell her you can't afford it.
You can't afford it.
That's it really.
It's ok to not be able to afford it.

mysteryfairy · 15/08/2015 17:18

Baby as well as being booked pre-natal doesn't need a seat so hopefully that reduces your cost of flights by 25% too. I would book them now.

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 15/08/2015 17:18

No she can't afford it - she's in quite serious financial trouble due to careless behaviour with money. Her attitude is highlighted by this request I feel!

DH thinks I shouldn't mention it as it will cause a row/guilt trip. He is probably right but I feel I have to say something sooner rather than later.

OP posts:
GirlsonFilm · 15/08/2015 17:21

Yes book now, baby can be booked beforen birth then name confirmed. Baby will have minimal cost (if any).

Having said that I think your mother's BU. Grin

Lightbulbon · 15/08/2015 17:23

I wouldn't want to take a few weeks old newborn on a flight abroad regardless of anything else.

It's not worth risking your dc's health.

ilovesooty · 15/08/2015 17:24

I disagree with your partner. It will be much more unpleasant if you leave it until later to tell her you can't afford it and can't go.

Ragwort · 15/08/2015 17:26

Why are you letting her 'guilt trip' you about this - if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Or even if you can afford it you don't have to do what you mother tells you. Your mother sounds like she wants to be in control of her family by the way she treats her husband, someone needs to stand up to her.

I'm nearly 60 myself, I would hate to think of my family feeling 'obliged' to visit me when it is so inconvenient.

GirlsonFilm · 15/08/2015 17:27

Light We flew in Europe to a family wedding when dc was 6wks. I would say it's far easier at that age rather than a toddler, especially if you breastfeed. Also as the OP ' S do already lives there I assume she can navigate around the health care system if need be.

GirlsonFilm · 15/08/2015 17:28

OP's dm of course

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2015 17:32

"It's not worth risking your dc's health."

Good lord- by flying???????

addictedtosugar · 15/08/2015 17:46

Google your expected airline and ticket for unborn baby. Baby won't need a seat.
Could you and baby go, and DH take the Monday as holiday to take DS to school?
Or just tell your mother you can't afford it, but you'd love ve to Skype in over the weekend, and partake long distance.

If you had a c-section, would you be classed as fit to fly by the birthday if you went to 42 weeks?

SoreArms · 15/08/2015 18:32

Also bemused at the thought flying with an 8 week old is somehow risking their health!

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 15/08/2015 18:54

ragwort guilt trips from my DM are what I'm used to unfortunately Wink but I'm getting better at not feeding it and trying not to let her.

Hadn't thought of just me and baby going. It could be an option but I'd like my DH to go too - but it would just cost too much money currently.

I thought babies couldn't fly for 2 weeks but were ok after that? If I do go overdue I'd have her by 18th December so think by the time we would fly she would be about 7 weeks. Just! Also didn't know about being able to book an infant in advance so thanks !

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2015 18:59

Oh dear. With all the new details you've given OP, I'd just tell her no.

You can't afford it, it clashes with school term-time for one of those pesky grandchildren she didn't want to be tied to and frankly 8 weeks post-partum I wouldn't have wanted to travel that far for any reason.

As for her trying to guilt trip you - keep it breezy, point out that this is the risk she took when she moved abroad, that travel was going to be expensive and people don't always have the money to do so.

This is a problem of her making, you are not obliged to bail her out. If she wants to start a row, well, you can always hang up. She can't exactly come round knocking at your door now, can she?

I do think you should tell her sooner rather than later. Then when she whines about it to other members of the family (I'm assuming she probably does that sort of thing?) they will feel they also have 'permission' to bow out. Consider it your good deed of the year day Grin.

DoreenLethal · 15/08/2015 18:59

It seems that a phrase that we used to use years ago has gone missing from modern Britain.

'We'll see'.

When asked 'we'll see'. You have no idea what is going to happen between now and then.

ijustwannadance · 15/08/2015 19:13

I think she should come to the uk and all relatives could chip in for a nice hotel for them for the weekend and have a get together. She could then go home and celebrate with local friends.

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