AIBU to have a word with NDN

[fortifiedwithtea]

NDN is a single dad with currently just his youngest dd at home. She is the same age as my DD1. They sat their AS levels this summer.

Last day of the exams I posted in AIBU because the dd next door was having a party and all I could hear was her bf through the wall prefixing every sentencing with "fuck" or "fucking" and my youngest DD who is 12 and has SEN couldn't sleep. I went round and told her I was fucked off with hearing it and that whilst her exams might be over my DD1 had to do Government and Politics the next day. I was generally told IWBU for swearing and for complaining so early on in the evening.

I repeat my youngest child has SEN. She needs to go to bed on time. She needs her sleep. I need her to sleep, after a day of her I really need her to sleep. Living with a child with learning difficulties is exhausting. And the language was really offensive.

NDN DD was very apologetic. They quietened down for awhile. But the party was a sleepover and the night was hot. The party spilled over into the back garden. DD1 couldn't sleep with the window closed because of the heat and with the window open she could hear the noise. She did not sleep very much.

Results day yesterday. DD1 passed all her exams but overall Government & Politics looks to have suffered by her poor nights sleep. Paper 1 - brilliant mark, strong B. Paper 2 Unclassified, bringing her overall grade to a D

AIBU in wanting DH to go and see NDN and have a chat and lay out our my expectations for next years exam time . That there is no parties/loud sleepovers during the exams and have the consideration to wait until the end of all exams not just her own.

I don't know whether the dad knows the sleepover/party happened. I don't think he was there.
I'm not going to speak to him. I don't trust myself to stay calm.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

I've got a ds2 who's just finished his exams and I remember the importance of a decent nights sleep.

I certainly wouldn't go round now, what's the point?

Make a mental note to chat next year about it, they might not even be there; they might move, who knows.

[Roussette]

So you were disgusted that all you could hear through the wall was "fucked" and "fucking" so you went round there and told them you were fucking annoyed and to shut the fuck up?! You're having a laugh!

I honestly don't think you can say that the U was down to a party. Did your DD complain, was she awake all night? How do you know that the U was down to this, you don't, perhaps your DD didn't revise enough. Don't jump to this conclusion because you just cannot blame the NDN having a party for a poor grade!

I would get a fan, it drowns out noise and keeps the room cooler, then the window doesn't need to be open.

[EmeraldKitten]

Yabu.

If she'd got a B instead of a projected A - maybe not having enough rest may have had an effect.

But a U? That's a fail with a very low mark (I can't remember exactly -less than 40%?)

I think there's probably more at play than losing a nights rest tbh.

[tigermoth]

sillystuffbiting, I have to disagree. I don't think it's at all futile to be upset about the difference between a C and a D grade.

The sleepless night might not be the cause, but it's not at all unreasonable for the op to be worried that the overall grade was lower than expected. I think asking for a re-mark is a good idea.

[RachieS1986]

completely understand your anger and frustration op.

I wouldn't go round now and speak to them I would wait until exam time is approaching otherwise they probably won't give your request another thought or maybe even remember it come exam time if you ask now. I also wouldn't mention your daughter's mark as sadly what's done is done and telling them that their party was to blame wont change anything.

[fortifiedwithtea]

You know the rights and wrongs of my swearing was dealt with on my previous thread that was on the night of the party. Opinion was I was unreasonable then. Yea Mumsnet is consistent But brought it up so you had the back story. Clearly I am the only parent ever to have had a shit week with no support (remember DH was abroad), a SEN child driving me up the wall and to have had a 'last straw' moment

Ok the majority view is I am being unreasonable to say anything now or ever. Fair enough.

But I am going to ask calmly and politely nearer the time that NDN DD puts parties on hold while A2 exams are on. I really don't see that as such a big ask for 2-3 weeks out of her whole life.

Thank you all for an entertaining couple of hours.

[FancyForgetting]

I feel for you and your daughter and agree with PPs that the best idea to chat to the NDNs next year to agree no parties until both girls' exams are done.

My DD was delighted to discover that her uni Hall of Residence imposed quiet time 24/7 from the beginning of the revision fortnight until the very last exam was done.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Complaining about swearing by swearing, brilliant!

As for the exam thing, a poor nights sleep does not affect a grade that dramatically. Yes tiredness can make exams more difficult but for your daughter to get a U then there must have been serious holes in her knowledge, not just sleep in her eyes.

[crazykat]

I'd go round when you know when the exams are going to be. Say that the party this year was the day before your dds final exam and it affected her during the exam. Going round now would seem ott and would likely be forgotten by next year anyway.

The broken nights sleep would have had a massive effect on how she performed in the exam. I think a lot of people here forget just how much little sleep can affect you the next day, not to mention the extra stress it would pile on. I've recently done exams for my degree and not enough decent sleep really impacts thinking and memory. Two or three hour long exams are exhausting in themselves and I was struggling to think coherently by the end of my exam after a decent nights sleep and the breakdown of marks show this on my last essay question.

There's also evidence that driving while sleep deprived is more dangerous than driving drunk as thinking and reactions are affected.

Sorry for derailing slightly but I'm just trying to say that the amount and quality of sleep before ab exam can have a dramatic effect on grades.

[CoogerAndDark]

I don't think it's a big ask either. Good neighbourliness, innit? Her Dad might not even have known she was having a party. Perhaps her BF was the only one supposed to be there.
YWBU to ask for absolute silence from 9pm onwards for the exam period, but you're not demanding that. Just a bit of consideration.

I doubt she will be scarred for life by an adult she has pissed off big style swearing in anger at her.

[wowfudge]

Put up and shut up about a party going on till 5am on a week night? Er, no: it's completely unreasonable and selfish. If someone wants to do that at the weekend then they inform the neighbours and they turn it down after 11pm.

[MammaTJ]

You can ask but I suggest you also get in ear plugs for your DD1 just in case!

[HarrietSchulenberg]

a) it's extremely unlikely that a night's poor sleep would drop a potential B grade to a U.
b) I don't know which exam board you use but I hear that our school's G&P results were lower than expected and that it is requesting remarking for all students. AQA paper, I think, so it's not entirely impossible that there is a different problem. I'm assuming your dd has spoken to school for advice but if not then it might be worth a chat.

Other than that, parties are generally annoying but part of living near other people. I speak as someone who lives in a street currently dominated by the male member of one family who conducts loud, sweary arguments with his gf, in front of his small children, and when not doing that is sitting in his stupid joyboy car, big bore exhaust revving and music so loud you can feel the bass through my concrete floor. Often into the small hours.

[amarmai]

is it possible to change your d's bedroom? Also a fan is good for masking noise.

[iamavodkadrinker]

You went round shouting and swearing like a fishwife, and now you're blaming them for your daughter getting a U. YABU.

[WorraLiberty]

I don't think you would BU to ask if they can limit any parties to a Friday or Saturday night.

But I think you might need to soften your attitude first, as you'll catch more flies with honey.

Also, have you tried buying your DD a fan for her bedroom?

[PurpleHairAndPearls]

We have nightmare neighbours on both sides - I have posted on here about them quite a bit! One side are literally like inhabitants of Shameless think big barking dogs, little DC saying cunt every second word, shopping trolleys in the front etc etc...

So I sympathise but I still think you are BU sorry. You lost any moral high ground about swearing when you swore at them, you clearly went round early but then left it, you didn't speak to the dad at the time... You cannot go round now and blame them for your DDs exam results and "lay out your expectations". Really you can't.

Part of living in a neighbourhood with other people is the downside that not everyone adheres to your moral and general life standards. Your post reminds me of those people who tiptoe around sleeping babies, don't allow the washing machine on when DC are sleeping, go mad if the doorbell rings etc...it's counter productive in the long run. If your DDs grade was so badly affected by one nights sleep (and I don't think it would be) now is the time to help her out with sleep management techniques like ear plugs, white noise etc. It will be a better use of your time, and hers.

I don't think you would BU to go round at the start of exam season and politely request they don't make too much noise late on, as you are asking them to stay within the normal expectations of society.

The only advantage of some of my DCs SN is the deafness, the DC who is "most deaf" is in the bedroom adjoining Shameless neighbours'!

[UrethraFranklin1]

You want to go around there and tell them what behavior you expect from them NEXT YEAR?
You're coming off a lot crazier than you probably are in real life. People simply don't behave as you are proposing.

[dilbert19912]

I can't imagine that would have caused her grades to go down that far.

[MyLovelyFriend2015]

It's typical, someone is having a party and inconveniencing someone else, but if you dare complain then you're out of order

It's antisocial and they should not have been so loud

[Nanny0gg]

I can't believe some of the pps on this thread who think an all night party on a week day night term time was perfectly okay! Of course it wasn't.

If it was every night then I'd agree, but a one off - nah, put up & shut up I'm afraid.

Why? Why couldn't the celebration wait till the weekend? Why do people who have to work put up with this? What if some of the neighbours have jobs that require good sleep for safety reasons?

There is no reason that the celebrations (when they impact other people) can't wait.

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

1. Not all AS levels are done in two papers. It depends on the board and subject. Irrelevant, but still.
   

1. A crap night of virtually no sleep would not pull a B down to a U unless the girl has some serious other problems. It's entirely possible that she had studied the material/revised more for the first paper and neglected the second. Or the second paper just turned out to be a giant curveball for her. It happens sometimes with essay subjects. Occasionally it can be down to poor preparation on the part of the teacher, if it was a new topic being tried out for the unit (happened to my class in one subject, we all got As and Bs for the other papers, I think, and got Ds, Es and Us for that one paper with the new topic). Just have her resit that one paper next year, while ensuring she's covered the material thoroughly enough for the other exams she'll have so that this one resit doesn't pull her grade down in those due to reduced revision time.
   

1. It was certainly out of order to have a loud party on a weekday that was outside until 5am, especially during exam time.

[306235388]

I actually think the neighbours were being a bit thoughtless but not really much more. I know your fd has SEN but that doesn't mean the neighbours can't have a party occasionally. It was shit it was on the night of your dd's exam though and it was pretty crap of them to continue on once being asked not to - did you go round again?

The thing is a U isn't just dropping a grade or something it's doing exceptionally badly and I don't think one bad nights sleep can cause that. At all.

However, don't make your Dd feel upset about it just have an onwards and upwards attitude. When it comes to next year and exams go see the dad and say dd's exam timetable is XYZ, we had a bit of an issue last year so just wondered if noise could be limited on those nights and of course we will do the same for your dd.