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Original poster

Please reassure me this is totally odd - thank you cards

135 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/08/2015 12:29

Disclaimer: I normally get on very well with my DM

.....however, she has one weakness - thank you cards. Which she basically thinks should be written ASAP. She's been like this all my life so I just do it and humour her. I have a DS2 and a DD1 and her and DF's friends have been very generous sending presents etc to the DC

I use touch note so it's not too much of a ball ache and saves us having phone conversations where she tells me that so and so was worried that I didn't receive their present as they hadn't heard anything from me. Despite me pointing out that she could have reassured them as she handed the fucking thing over two days earlier

Anyway.....last night, another friend of DM's gave her a Christmas decoration thing that she had made for me.

Said friend is currently up biding my aunt (DM's sister) and my DM and DF went out for dinner with them last night where this thing was ceremoniously handed over.

The friend is staying for about a week with my aunt and - for part of the week - aunt and friend will be staying with my cousin.

I said to DM that I would do a thank you card today - can't get better than that, I thought? Particularly as I have a 1 year old and a 2 year old and am 27 weeks pregnant

DM has just asked me how long a touch note card takes to arrive. I said about 2 - 3 days. DM thinks I should send the card to my cousin's house so that friend gets it ASAP!!!

I just looked Hmm Confused Shock and said to DM that surely the friend (ie DM!) could wait for one week to receive the card when she gets home - particularly as she gave the present to mum so knows it hasn't been lost in the post. Plus, my cousin would probably rightly think I was a right bloody weirdo for using her house as a postbox. And, if it was delayed in the post, she then has to send it on to the friend - which is a bit of a pain.

DM clearly thinks I am being very rude and mean. Please reassure me I'm not losing my marbles. I am 37 years old (but feel about 5) and dreading having to do the thank you cards for DC3 already

This fetish for thank you cards means that I now actually hate receiving them myself - particularly from children. I order most present on line so can clearly see if they have been delivered or not and I couldn't care less if I get a thank you card back or not

OP posts:
OldBloodCallsToOldBlood · 13/08/2015 17:46

Oh Gobbo, how COULD you let your mother down like this?

It's obvious she's dreamt of the things people would say about her child since you were in utero.

'Oh yes, I know the lady you mean - her daughter always writes such beautiful thank you cards! And so promptly too!'.

She's been fantasising about this situation happening for your entire life. And you've let her down so badly. Sad

#epicsarcasm

PiperChapstick · 13/08/2015 18:03

OP are you my long lost sister? My DM is EXACTLY the same - gets in a huge sweat if I'm not kissing people's feet over presents from friends or family which I don't usually like or ask for and a thank you card is supremely important to her. When DD was born I was quite ill and housebound and had lots of gifts sent in post. I didn't even open some for a while as I was a ) concentrating on my newborn and b) trying to get better. I got a tremendous dressing down because I hadn't sent thank you cards by the time DD was 4 weeks old.

My mother is a card weirdo though. Her DH runs his own business and a client once couldn't pay £35 she owed him, I shit you not the client offered a giant box of greeting cards instead - DM just about bit her hand off Shock

Worse than that she used to write sick notes for secondary school on greetings cards Blush I used to tear off the cover when she wasn't looking.

So YANBU - say she'll get the card when you have time to bloody send it!!

EponasWildDaughter · 13/08/2015 18:40

PMSL at shodan GrinGrin

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/08/2015 18:47

Please put her address on here. We'll all send her a gift and keep her off your back for a month.

Shodan · 13/08/2015 19:03

Or, every time you get a gift, you could pm say, 10 of us with brief information, e.g:

Letter rack embellished with seashells.
Great Aunt Maud
Bournemouth
Great Aunt Maud's address.

And the chosen 10 could all send a thank you note, in the manner of the Royal Household, thus:

'Her Royal Highness Gobbolino extends her sincerest thanks for the gracious gift of a seashell-adorned letter rack. She is looking forward to displaying all the invitations to Fancy Parties with Foreign Dignitaries in it and expects it will be much admired by visitors to the Palace of WitchsCat.

Her Royal Highness also trusts that your recent excursion to Bournemouth was enjoyable; she herself has fond memories of holidaying there in the company of Prince Caspian-Ermergard of Moldovia.'

Or, y'know, words to that effect.

Mrsleighdelamare · 13/08/2015 20:22

My DM constantly reminds me about various family birthdays. She is a prolific birthday card sender.

And when my Step sister sends Xmas presents for my three DCs, DM will check whether I've sent a thank you, because step sis 'Likes thank yous' despite the fact I've never received a hint of a thank you from her.

DH's business partner is also a prolific sender, I have even received a thank you card for a thank you card I sent.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 13/08/2015 20:33

Am I the only one thinking that your DM would be the perfect recipient of a Janet & Roy this Christmas? Grin.

drKat · 13/08/2015 20:41

I had a grandmother like this. She was my dads mum and my parents divorced when I was 2. I just ended up hating her and hating her gifts. I started sending them back when I got old enough as I couldn't bear the debarkle between my mum and grandma ever Christmas and birthday. A gift isn't a gift if the thank you letter has to be there quicker than the kid can wright them! It's ridiculous! I do make my 5 year old write them but at his own speed! Luckily no one minds! Those that mind dong matter and those that matter don't mind! Rant over!!!!

CarlaJones · 13/08/2015 20:47

Ha ha. A Janet and Roy with present is a brilliant idea. She won't know where to send the thank you card too. Grin

CarlaJones · 13/08/2015 20:47

to

Liara · 13/08/2015 21:03

This thread is such an eye opener. I am not originally from the UK, nor is dh or most of our friends. Many of their partners are, though.

I was most befuddled when I received a hand-written thank you note from one of them after they stayed at ours for a few days. I mean, I have email, who hand writes anything these days? I don't even check post more than once a month, it's only for bills and credit card statements, and they are on direct debit.

They are learning slowly though. After the last visit one sent a thank you email instead . Totally unnecessary IMO, they had already said thank you when we dropped them off at the airport, but fair enough.

I think our non UK friends think they are as barking as we do.

Pico2 · 13/08/2015 21:23

My DGM is a stickler for thank you cards for her and her family/friends. It took me until the age of 35 to notice that she's never sent us a thank you card. I still have no idea why it is a one way thing for her.

I do send thank you cards, though it can take a sensible amount of time for me to get them done. The only one I really resent is the friend of my DMIL who lives in another European country. She collects freebies for my DC - like a free children's magazine in a foreign language or a sample nappy in the wrong size. She then gets DMIL to carry them back to us and I have to write a thank you card for what is essentially rubbish and also send DMIL a transcript of what I have written which then is translated by DMIL and emailed over as the friend doesn't speak English. While I know this sounds ungrateful, I really think we could all stop doing this and spend the time more pleasurably. I think it may have been the same friend who gave us a Russian doll. Apparently she was delighted to buy a set and realise that she could give each of them as a present to 5 different people. I've always fancied a set of Russian dolls and was childishly disappointed to find the one we were given empty.

Amy0039 · 13/08/2015 21:43

I do like thank you cards, but rarely send them after receiving a gift, as I've usually thanked the person giving it when I've received it, or as has been previously mentioned, a phonecall, text or a Facebook message does the job. I personally tend to send them when people have gone out of their way to help, of have been of aid/support to me (e.g. I arranged a fundraising bake sale, so I sent thank you cards to everyone who donated baked goods letting them know how much we raised and what the recipient of the money was going to spend it on).

As a child I would receive a gift and a letter from a great aunt I seldom saw, so in the new year I would write a thank you card and letter to her, but that's about the limit of it really.

PiperChapstick · 13/08/2015 22:23

Thank you card rules are weird and I can't keep up with them. last year my uncle and cousin came to England from South Africa and spent 3 days of their visit with us. I took a day off work, paid for meals out for them (they hadn't bothered to research food costs and brought about £5 each per day to buy food Hmm), did boring activities they wanted to do, drove them around (including picking them up from where they last stayed which is 100 mile round trip - for which I paid fuel - and they couldn't afford hire car), spent 4 HOURS in a church on the Sunday despite being an Atheist as they are devout Christians and wanted to go, made dinner on the evenings, and pretty much accounted for every nanosecond of their 3 days with us. The only thing I didn't do was have them sleep in the house, as we have no spare room and a small sofa. So they stayed at my grandads round the corner (who they knew well although not related by blood, uncle from dads side, grandad from mums side) as he had a room with twin beds and en suite. So they'd leave ours at 9.30pm and return at 8am for planned activities.

My grandad got a lovely thank you card and (really long) letter, but we didn't. I was very a bit Hmm and on speaking to my mum she said it's because it's custom to thank your host and because I wasn't providing a bed or the night I wasn't the 'host'.

I haven't asked them back since.

MamaBolt · 13/08/2015 22:25

It must have been drilled into that generation. My DM is 77 and expects a contextualised and timely thank you note, though she does accept an email these days.

simonettavespucci · 13/08/2015 22:37

I like your thinking santa

Stinchcombebabycafe · 13/08/2015 23:38

I think that big or special gifts or generosity should trigger a card or letter - eg wedding presents, someone putting you up for a few days (or driving you round, as was said upthread).
However, ordinary birthday, christmas, etc - a text, email or phonecall is perfectly adequate. I hated doing thank you cards as a child, and rarely do them now, as a crumbly.
I agree with several of the ideas - refusing gifts, giftbombing her - and the Roy and Jane is brilliant - tho I had to look that up!

PiperChapstick · 13/08/2015 23:42

Stinch I think you're right re what rules for thank yous should be. There's just no need to send a thank you card for a token gift for a 3 year old. People would spend more on the sodding stamps than was spent on presents for them

Alice786 · 14/08/2015 01:56

This is crazy and halirious! You should tell your mother to write the thank you cards herself as she is the one so obsessed with it and that you just don't have the time. Wink

ScorpioMermaid · 14/08/2015 04:44

YANBU and in fact my Gran is exactly the same.

she has friends that send my kids a big box of chocolates each Christmas, wrapped and tagged from 'Santa' and another that's really very old and knits anything and everything for my kids. (always in foul colours and very rarely actually fitting them )Gran will go on and on and on about it until I've actually handwritten a little note that can be passed on to then it gives me rage.Angry

WipsGlitter · 14/08/2015 05:28

I did thank you notes for all the baby presents I got. My mums generation were pleased to get them. It did cause a moment of brief hilarity when my mums friends were gossiping chatting and one mentioned she had a "lovely" thank you note from wipsglitter and another for all miffed as she hadn't got one then realised she hadn't actually got me a present yet!!

ememem84 · 14/08/2015 07:15

Much to my mothers annoyance I use the rule that if I'm given a gift in person, I say thank you. To their actual face.

If something arrives in the post I'll call/email/write. Mother thinks all gifts should be accompanied by a note. No matter the circumstances.

ihatethecold · 14/08/2015 08:01

My very old granny got annoyed with me on the phone about a month after my DS's birthday because I hadn't phoned her to say thank you for his card and cheque.
I explained to her that we didn't receive any card or cheque.

She said " I can see the cheque hasn't been cashed when I got my statement"
I said "because we never received it"
She said "The kids never call to say they've received their card and say Thank you"

I asked her how can they say thank you for something they never received?

Drives me potty!

Pr1mr0se · 14/08/2015 13:18

Gobbolino - if it's any comfortable I am the daughter of another mother with the same neurosis and I am 41. When my own daughter was barely six months and NOT TALKING she was going on about "Is she SAYING her pleases and thankyous yet? And worse 'I'm not putting up with a rude grand-daughter'. Please God, don't let me end up like my mother.....

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 14/08/2015 15:13

oh gobbolino YADNBU!
you need to stop this madness.
call the friend and say thank you on the phone.
say that you have decided that you will write no more thank you cards because you don't like them.
That's it.
no need to explain anything.

I'm Hungarian. this thank you card obsession in England irritates me.
I refuse to write them. Christmas cards ditto.
I don't expect them either - I'm happy with a text or a phone call, but if that doesn't happen I honestly don't care.

I can see how after a lifetime of expectations it feels hard to break free, but with 2 small children and a 3rd on the way bloody cards and fretting relatives/friends should be the last of your worries.

tell your DM to back. She needs to stop forcing you to do what she thinks is right. Cut the umbilical cord ffs and tell her to mind her own business.
sheesh.
I'm sorry but your mum sounds exhausting Thanks