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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please reassure me this is totally odd - thank you cards

135 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/08/2015 12:29

Disclaimer: I normally get on very well with my DM

.....however, she has one weakness - thank you cards. Which she basically thinks should be written ASAP. She's been like this all my life so I just do it and humour her. I have a DS2 and a DD1 and her and DF's friends have been very generous sending presents etc to the DC

I use touch note so it's not too much of a ball ache and saves us having phone conversations where she tells me that so and so was worried that I didn't receive their present as they hadn't heard anything from me. Despite me pointing out that she could have reassured them as she handed the fucking thing over two days earlier

Anyway.....last night, another friend of DM's gave her a Christmas decoration thing that she had made for me.

Said friend is currently up biding my aunt (DM's sister) and my DM and DF went out for dinner with them last night where this thing was ceremoniously handed over.

The friend is staying for about a week with my aunt and - for part of the week - aunt and friend will be staying with my cousin.

I said to DM that I would do a thank you card today - can't get better than that, I thought? Particularly as I have a 1 year old and a 2 year old and am 27 weeks pregnant

DM has just asked me how long a touch note card takes to arrive. I said about 2 - 3 days. DM thinks I should send the card to my cousin's house so that friend gets it ASAP!!!

I just looked and said to DM that surely the friend (ie DM!) could wait for one week to receive the card when she gets home - particularly as she gave the present to mum so knows it hasn't been lost in the post. Plus, my cousin would probably rightly think I was a right bloody weirdo for using her house as a postbox. And, if it was delayed in the post, she then has to send it on to the friend - which is a bit of a pain.

DM clearly thinks I am being very rude and mean. Please reassure me I'm not losing my marbles. I am 37 years old (but feel about 5) and dreading having to do the thank you cards for DC3 already

This fetish for thank you cards means that I now actually hate receiving them myself - particularly from children. I order most present on line so can clearly see if they have been delivered or not and I couldn't care less if I get a thank you card back or not

OP posts:

spad · 12/08/2015 12:52

Yanbu and I am a thank you card girl

FantasticButtocks · 12/08/2015 12:52

This is about her. She thinks her friends won't think she's brought you up properly! I'd just ask her to trust you to do the right thing and to not try to micro manage how you actually do it!

Gottagetmoving · 12/08/2015 12:55

Its up to you if/when you send thank you cards. Stop trying to please your DM and tell her her standards are not necessarily your standards.
You are an adult and can be like your mother or you can be you. Your decision.

CheersMedea · 12/08/2015 12:58

Tell DM that a card is highly naff; you should be writing a letter. A "thank you" card is very lower class - unless you are an artist and have hand made it yourself.

It is of course proper to write to thank someone but there is no rush. Too fast looks a bit desperate. A week to two weeks is perfectly fine.

A letter though, not a card. NOT a card. bring me the smelling salts

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/08/2015 12:58

gotta - I would Liberty do what you say. I know it's correct and sensible.

But DM would probably at a minimum have to withdraw from polite society. Or - worst case scenario - go into terminal decline

It's not something she can be reasonable about so I unfortunately can't discuss it rationally. When I looked so stunned before, she said I was being very unkind. I honestly wasn't. I was stunned

OP posts:

bettyberry · 12/08/2015 12:59

I Hate being made to do anything. Doesn't matter what it is. If I send a thank you card its because I want to not because it is expected. 99% of the time I receive gifts face to face so can say thank you there and then and tbh its your DM friends so as a relative isn't it her duty to say thank you and let them know gifts have been received?

Tbh the only people who get thank you cards from me are work related - it keeps my contacts happy when the send things through like books or tickets to an event, they don't expect the cards its just a way of me acknowledging they are there and keeps you in mind. Its networking more than anything.

The rest the boy sends to our neighbour (the nice one!) who have never forgotten his birthday, send an egg at Easter and small gift at xmas.

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/08/2015 13:01

cheers - we have reached an uneasy truce on cards since the DC were born. She will accept these if they have a photo of the DC on it as thinks her friends can see that. She is not comfortable with touch note as thinks that everything should be hand written.

Until I had DC only a handwritten letter would do

Reading this back - it's nuts. Who honestly gives a fuck.

OP posts:

CheersMedea · 12/08/2015 13:05

Reading this back - it's nuts. Who honestly gives a fuck.

The timing insistence is indeed nuts.

But you are wrong if you are saying "who honestly gives a fuck" about the wider point. Manners are delightful and mean a lot. It's always lovely to receive a handwritten note of thanks. It's really sad that it's a dying art. The benefit though is that because it's becoming rarer, you will be noted and remembered if you are writing to thank people.

Gottagetmoving · 12/08/2015 13:16

But DM would probably at a minimum have to withdraw from polite society. Or - worst case scenario - go into terminal decline

That is HER choice and it is irrational. None of us would have lives of our own if we let people like your mother control how we behave.
If she asks you about sending thank you cards, tell her there are far more important things to be bothered about, and that they are outdated and you can easily say thank you by phone or email.

LeafyLafae · 12/08/2015 13:17

Tbh, a phonecall is more personalised as you get to ask the gift sender how they are, without them feeling obliged to engage in written correspondence with you. It's less hassle, but then you don't end up with a card to put on your mantle piece so you can show off about how generous you are...

Spydra · 12/08/2015 13:19

Show her this Debrett's link

www.debretts.com/british-etiquette/communication/written-etiquette/letters/thank-you-letters

You can't argue with debretts
It should be SENT between a week to 10 days.

frenchcheeses · 12/08/2015 13:21

You're an adult. You get to decide if/how/when you say thank you for something. If your DM doesn't like the way you do it then leave her to dislike the way you do it. Not your problem.

LavenderLeigh · 12/08/2015 13:22

Phone and say thanks and that is the job done.
And ignore your DM who has a bee in her bonnet.

yearofthegoat · 12/08/2015 13:31

This might work for you: get a posting abroad to an out of the way place with very dodgy postal service. Then you can say you sent the cards but they must have been lost/delayed. Gradually introduce the idea of email/phone/text thanks .

Worth a try?

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/08/2015 13:33

cheers I see what you're saying but it's pushed me much more towards just wanting people to enjoy what I give them. I truly give with no "conditions" attached.

The benefit though is that because it's becoming rarer, you will be noted and remembered if you are writing to thank people.

I agree with this but I don't want people to remember me or give me extra brownie points for doing a letter or not. I dont do it with others do it's hard for me to see this as a positive. I do accept that I might have skewed views on this though!

OP posts:

ollieplimsoles · 12/08/2015 13:43

I agree with pps that you shouldn't do it at all.
Nip this shit in the bud right now. You send cards for bday presents, wedding, whatever, but not for just random fucking stuff its ludicrous.

Noodledoodledoo · 12/08/2015 13:50

I think she needs to learn to trust that you will do it within a timely manner. I am a Thank you card/letter writer - depends what I have to hand, and I am with Cheers that I do notice who sends them as well.

I don't care how they are sent to be fair, note, text, email, call, but I hate not knowing something has been received. If I have given the person in question the present directly then I don't expect another Thank you.

I personally find it ungrateful to not even get some kind of acknowledgement of a gift.

Pohtaytoh · 12/08/2015 14:28

I think you should gather as many friends as possible and get them to spam her with small gifts everyday for a fortnight. In the ensuing flurry of thank you notes she may well realise how ludicrous she is being.

As a side i do like thank you notes for gifts given to children, particularly if i've posted them. But i don't see an issue with a text/call either, nor do i expect one within 24 hours if the gift being received! But i get excited about written correspondence through the post instead of endless bills and catalogues!

Yes to spydra Debretts has the final word

DoreenLethal · 12/08/2015 14:32

I've not written a thank you card in over 40 years. I do however say thanks in person, on the phone or text.

Cards - sheesh...so last century. ;)

wizzywig · 12/08/2015 14:51

whats a touch note?

SageMist · 12/08/2015 14:58

I do not ever write thank you cards or notes, well not since I was 12. My mum is mortified that I don't, but I'm in my 50s now, and life is too short to do everything that my mother expects me to do.

I do however actually say thank you. Either in person, on the phone or occasionally via text.

19lottie82 · 12/08/2015 15:01

What's a touch note card?

DoJo · 12/08/2015 15:04

What if you told her that her weirdness about thank-you cards takes a lot of the enjoyment out of receiving gifts for you. Do you think that this might put her inappropriately rigid attitude into perspective. What if you told her how you felt after your son was born, and that instead of enjoying him and focussing on his and your health, you were tying yourself in knots about thank-you cards because of the way she carries on. I appreciate it might not be an easy conversation, but surely if you expressed your honest feelings on the matter she might get some idea of how her approach has been negatively impacting you over the years.

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/08/2015 15:41

What annoys me about it is that I don't believe that all of these people are actually asking DM if I got the presents OK the next time they see her with a face if I haven't written a thank you card ASAP.

I mean....I'm trying to imagine how I would react if someone asked me that if DD had just had a baby. Under the circumstances, I think I'd be quite cross if I'd explained (which I know DM did as got nice messages in cards) that, actually, DD had had a very difficult birth and the baby had spent over a week in the SCBU and was now having serious feeding difficulties. I would kind of hope that my friends might u deter and that writing a thank you card perhaps wasn't DD's top priority and I'd actually think a bit less of them for pushing it. Particularly of I had said I'd hand delivered the presents so no risk of them not arriving

A touch note card is basically a card you can send with a photo on. You design the card and write the text and touch note send the card. There's an app so it's a lot easier than hand writing something, getting stamps and walking to the post box to send it

OP posts:

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/08/2015 15:44

dojo - I have tried that. Basically, DM just looks very hurt and says that she is only passing on what people have said or that she knows her friends very well so knows they will be thinking this. And if they have gone to the trouble of sending a present, it's only polite to send a thank you card back blah blah blah

OP posts:

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