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Original poster

Please reassure me this is totally odd - thank you cards

135 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/08/2015 12:29

Disclaimer: I normally get on very well with my DM

.....however, she has one weakness - thank you cards. Which she basically thinks should be written ASAP. She's been like this all my life so I just do it and humour her. I have a DS2 and a DD1 and her and DF's friends have been very generous sending presents etc to the DC

I use touch note so it's not too much of a ball ache and saves us having phone conversations where she tells me that so and so was worried that I didn't receive their present as they hadn't heard anything from me. Despite me pointing out that she could have reassured them as she handed the fucking thing over two days earlier

Anyway.....last night, another friend of DM's gave her a Christmas decoration thing that she had made for me.

Said friend is currently up biding my aunt (DM's sister) and my DM and DF went out for dinner with them last night where this thing was ceremoniously handed over.

The friend is staying for about a week with my aunt and - for part of the week - aunt and friend will be staying with my cousin.

I said to DM that I would do a thank you card today - can't get better than that, I thought? Particularly as I have a 1 year old and a 2 year old and am 27 weeks pregnant

DM has just asked me how long a touch note card takes to arrive. I said about 2 - 3 days. DM thinks I should send the card to my cousin's house so that friend gets it ASAP!!!

I just looked Hmm Confused Shock and said to DM that surely the friend (ie DM!) could wait for one week to receive the card when she gets home - particularly as she gave the present to mum so knows it hasn't been lost in the post. Plus, my cousin would probably rightly think I was a right bloody weirdo for using her house as a postbox. And, if it was delayed in the post, she then has to send it on to the friend - which is a bit of a pain.

DM clearly thinks I am being very rude and mean. Please reassure me I'm not losing my marbles. I am 37 years old (but feel about 5) and dreading having to do the thank you cards for DC3 already

This fetish for thank you cards means that I now actually hate receiving them myself - particularly from children. I order most present on line so can clearly see if they have been delivered or not and I couldn't care less if I get a thank you card back or not

OP posts:
alsmutko · 12/08/2015 15:45

Thank goodness thank you letters or cards have long gone for me & mine (elderly rellies having passed away long ago). Most pressies these days are handed over so instant thank yous are the thing, but even when posted by sis I send her a text so she knows it's arrived.

Years ago when my cousin got married my sis & I were 'put up' on the floor of a local church friend of auntie's. Which was fine, we were in our twenties at the time. We were very polite and thanked them nicely for the floor space. But later I discovered that they were not only expecting a 'thank you letter' but also some payment. Don't know about anyone else but I wouldn't expect a a formal thank you letter from anyone we've put up in DD's room when she's away at uni, never mind payment. And certainly not If they've slept on the floor.

alsmutko · 12/08/2015 15:47

Gobbolin get everyone's phone numbers or email addresses and text, phone or email thank-yous as you're thinking of the environment.

Mrsjayy · 12/08/2015 15:55

Is your mother called Hyacinth Grin she is bonkers obviously and a Christmas decoration in August what is THAT about

EponasWildDaughter · 12/08/2015 18:58

I need to vent!

OP my mother invents all sorts of things which other people have supposedly said in order to get her way. For years i didn't twig. Seriously i was in my 30s when the veil lifted. Then it dawned upon me, as it did with you, that most people would be too polite to, through another person, chase up a thank you card. Furthermore in fact the only person we know who has a thing about cards to that extent is her. 2+2=4. Light-bulb moment!

It's strange behavior isn't it? Very manipulative.

My mum is getting worse for it. And as she is getting older she is loosing the ability to be subtle about it.

It varies from the reasonably tame sort of stuff like: ''Auntie X keeps asking if you received your present'' ie: Auntie X hasn't asked that at all - i've asked her if you sent a card yet and she said no and this is my way of badgering you to write one ...

... all the way up to inventing whole conversations that she's supposedly had with DD3 when they've been alone together. We've had; among many others:

  • DD3 is desperate to have her hair cut;
  • DD3 is worrying about how often she'll see her father;
  • DD3 is wondering if her big sister is sleeping over at her BFs, (Hmm very subtle mum - not!)
  • DD3 is wanting to know about condoms; (???? never understood that one)

... seemingly not realising for one moment that i'll get home and say to DD3 ''Did you say X, Y, Z to Nan last week??!'', and DD3'll say NOOOOOOO Mum! and we'll laugh about it and look forward to the next one.

You have to look on the funny side i suppose.

EponasWildDaughter · 12/08/2015 19:01

I should add that DD was about 13/15 when this was going on. (And she really wasn't having these conversations with my mum.)

StampyMum · 12/08/2015 19:03

YANBU. I have a friend whose mum does this, too, unless you are the same person Hmm
It's absolutely mental, IMO and she needs to understand that this is not 1908 Confused

DoJo · 12/08/2015 19:34

dojo - I have tried that. Basically, DM just looks very hurt and says that she is only passing on what people have said or that she knows her friends very well so knows they will be thinking this. And if they have gone to the trouble of sending a present, it's only polite to send a thank you card back blah blah blah

Dear Lord - she is truly committed to this isn't she?! How about this: next time she hand delivers a present, could you say that it is very kind of X to think of you, but would she mind returning it as you are not sure when you will be able to get round to writing a thank-you card and you can't bear the thought of her banging on about it/being embarrassed by your tardiness (depending on how generous you feel). Surely that will create an etiquette impasse for her and she will have to either concede that refusing a gift is ruder then failing to thank someone within 60 seconds of receiving it?

cranberryx · 12/08/2015 19:57

I have never written a thank you card in my life (normally just send a text or call) I had no idea this was a thing until I joined mumsnet!

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/08/2015 20:11

eponas - I feel for you. I really do.

It just bugs me so much as it's really passive aggressive.

Actually, thinking about it, DM is quite weird about cards full stop.

Three and a bit years ago, I was pregnant and had a very stressful full-time job with very long hours. It was my BIL's birthday but 4 days before it, I had a really early miscarriage. I had sent him a present but in all the stress of work and the miscarriage, I didn't get round to sending him a card.

DM told me that she was babysitting my nephew and he decided he wanted to look at BIL's birthdays cards with DM. DM said - "just in passing" - that obviously my card had got lost in the post so she was just letting me know as she knew how upset BIL would be but he would be too polite to tell me.

I was so angry, I actually out the phone down on her. BIL seriously would not care less about it and I was sorely tempted to tell her about the miscarriage but didn't as she would have been mortified but it really annoyed me that she didn't think that perhaps there might be a reason I hadn't sent a card

When I phoned her back, I said I obviously felt terrible about upsetting BIL and intended to call him that evening to apologise. Then it all turns into, "Oh Gobbo, don't over-react. For goodness sake, I was only just letting you know...."

Then I look like the bad person

Oh God....don't start me on the great dartboard disaster of Christmas 2012 either....

OP posts:
sugar21 · 12/08/2015 20:17

My Mother TheRtHonHerLadyshipMrsSugar maintains that I should send thank you cards asap to her husband
MrGoldiggerToyboy and herself if they ever send a gift to me or dd1. This is such a rarity that I don't bother and just send a text. Thats if I remember.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/08/2015 20:22

There are clearly a lot of people with serious thank you card issues out there.....I feel less alone!

OP posts:
AhoyMcCoy · 12/08/2015 20:31

I think you should gather as many friends as possible and get them to spam her with small gifts everyday for a fortnight. In the ensuing flurry of thank you notes she may well realise how ludicrous she is being.

Pohtayto has it spot on with this!! Please please do this!!!

Peacheykeen · 12/08/2015 20:40

I hate receiving thank you cards clutter the house and end up in the recycling bin. If I buy a gift it's because I want to I don't expect a card in return. Yanbu

Homebird8 · 12/08/2015 20:49

Ask her if she's worried about her skills as a mother Gobbolino. When you have small children you teach them social niceties and manners. Only if you have failed in that would you be worried about it when they are adults and keep bugging the crap out of them Commiserate with her in her insecurity.

Devora · 12/08/2015 21:04

Oh, PLEASE tell us about the great dartboard disaster of 2012 Grin

MistressMerryWeather · 12/08/2015 21:24

I feel stressed reading your posts!

Just tell her you have decided to go eco and feel the paper wastage is unnecessary. You may need to speak passionately about trees from time to time but it's worth it.

If she ever brings the stupid cards up again just smile and say 'I don't do that anymore, remember?'.

LittleBlackDress · 12/08/2015 21:26

What Devora said!

HelsBels3000 · 12/08/2015 21:28

Please tell us more OP !!!!!!!

Jewels234 · 12/08/2015 21:30

This thread makes me so happy. It's nice to know other people have to deal with insane stuff like this.

I have the added pressure that the thank you card must be the biggest thank you card in the shop. My MIL believes that the size of thank you card is equal to the amount you like the gift.

Ladyflip · 12/08/2015 21:39

If you weren't the wrong age with the wrong amount of children I'd swear you were my sister OP. My DM also has these invented conversations, quite often about thank you cards, and gets very stressed over them. Completely bonkers!

Crownjewel · 12/08/2015 21:40

Your DM is bonkers. I sent out thank you cards for DS's gifts when he was born, as I was on mat leave and had time on my hands to do so. In any other circumstances I don't see what's wrong with a simple text message to say "thank you very much for the XYZ, I/DC love it",(occasionally accompanied by a whatsapp pic of DC wearing/playing with the gift).

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/08/2015 22:00

You're all making me feel much better -I was expecting to be told I was an ungrateful lazy wretch Grin and that you had all completed your thank you cards in the delivery suite!

Re: the dartboard. DS was born at the end of November 2012. I had tried to be very organised and ordered presents pre: his birth. I knew I'd be very busy with thank you card after it Wink

I asked my cousin (as is usual) what her DC would like for Christmas. The oldest - who was 3 - wanted various things including a safety dartboard.

I ordered it online but had agreed that I would send the stuff directly to her. About 3 days before Christmas, I suddenly thought I should check online to see if everything had been delivered. It all had been, bar the dartboard.

I felt a bit bad but thought that we had sent various other presents and, well, he was 3. So I was hardly preventing Jocky Wilson preparing for the world darts championship.

I made the mistake of mentioning this in passing to DM. Which was a very big mistake. "Oh Gobbo. So there is a little boy now who wont get his dartboard now on Christmas Day. Who has probably been looking forward to it. He's only a little boy - he won't understand why it's not there. How could this have happened? Why didn't you check? I'm only mentioning this because I know how upset he will be. I don't have an issue with it but it's obviously very upsetting for him. Plus what will your cousin think"

I pointed out that I had sent various other presents and it was highly unlikely that DC's son had personally picked out the dartboard. Plus, surely that's not a good message to send your child that they must receive all presents on Christmas Day. That would surely make them quite entitled and grabby.....and rude. No?

"Oh Gobbo. Now you have a DS I hope you don't ever see a disappointed little boy on Christmas Day. How awful..... How sad......"

I was very sleep deprived and hormonal so burst into tears when I got off the phone as I felt like the grinch who stole Christmas. I managed to find another safety dartboard so poor DH went on 23rd December to pick it up from a shop about 20 miles away from our house. He offered to drive it to my cousin's (a 7 hour round trip) on Christmas Eve - even though he thought it was barking - to try and sort things out. It was only when my DSister interceded to say that this was nuts and said she would speak to DM that we abandoned the plan

But then we were treated with the same approach that DM takes with the cards which is "Gobbo - I am only trying to help you. For goodness sake. Why are you getting so upset. Deary me"

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 12/08/2015 22:04

But the instant thank you is just a bit too much like giving a receipt. Perhaps what your DM needs is one of those PalmPilot things delivery drivers have for people to sign to say they have received their parcel.

Flashbangandgone · 12/08/2015 22:16

What is it with some people and their obaession with thank you cards? If people have so little to worry about in their lives that they fret about whether and when someone sends them a thank you card they need to get a life!

Devora · 12/08/2015 22:52

That was worth waiting for Grin. If it makes you feel better, I reckon I STILL haven't sent thank you cards for the presents I received after having my dd. In fact, I can't remember what presents were sent for her. In fact, I remember very little of the whole year after dd was born. She is now nearly 10 Grin