AIBU to try for a baby now

[talentedmrsripley]

Even though I wouldn't qualify for the full maternity package at work?

We are keen to start as soon as possible but my friends think I'm mad!

What do you think?

His behaviour is controlling because in a healthy relationship if a person doesn't like their partner's friend, they just stay away from the friend. They don't make you feel bad about seeing them, they don't "worry" about you, because they trust you to look after yourself. I mean, of course everyone worries about their partner occasionally, but just for a night out? Nah, that one is odd. I mean, unless you can clarify that this friend is genuinely bad news and she's got you into some scrapes before, or something like that? Does she get you to do drugs you have otherwise stopped taking, does she involve you in illegal activity, is she a bit of a "frenemy" who is actually out to screw you over? Those are the kinds of situation where I can see that his level of disapproval in relation to her would be "helpful".

I would be really wary - it's very normal at this stage when you're both pretty carefree and independent to think oh he's just being really caring, how cute, or he's a bit insecure, or he's trying to look out for me or be helpful, etc. But it's not really that, if you look at what he's actually saying he's saying that he doesn't trust your judgement (of this friend) and he doesn't trust you to be able to look after yourself, around a friend or not. Because it is honestly okay for you to get drunk. If you are falling around pissing yourself and unable to walk then he would be right to be concerned, but that's not the impression that I got and hence I don't think this is a normal level of concern. That is why it is controlling.

I believe you that he is a million miles away from hitting you but the truth is that controlling behaviour is one step on the bottom of a very long ladder which can lead to hitting. It doesn't always, but the connection is there and that is why that poster asked you.

There have been threads done in the past about why men seem to suddenly change when a baby is born - it is marked and well known, that abuse often begins or escalates in pregnancy. When you read the threads you see that there were always, no exceptions, always little signs beforehand, and your story about how exactly he shows his disapproval of this friend (which would be fine on its own, again, it's how he reacts to it and expects you to change your behaviour because of his dislike.) - this is one of those signs.

I can try and find a link to one of the threads if you like. It'll be reassuring or eye opening, either way!

Have a friend who has had several years out from primary & has found it tricky to get back in, but she loved being a SAHM & has only gone back quite reluctantly. She has managed to get back in by doing supply, then one of the schools she had supplied for had a job come up, which she got. I think teaching is probably easier to return to than a lot of other professions, as all the buzz words change, but the basics of being in the classroom don't.

It's a really personal decision and depends on so many variables. Whatever you decide you'll make it work because you have to.

But seeing as you've posted for advice/opinions, here's my tuppence worth: I would wait the 6 months, it's such a short length of time in the grand scheme of things. I got maternity pay with my first but waited a while after it ran out due to job issues. I HATED having no money of my own and felt guilty every time I spent money even though dh didn't make me feel bad about it at all. I know you say you'd be a sahm but give yourself a bit of financial leeway and also you might feel differently when you've had the baby.

That's just my personality type but given the choice of having a baby with or without maternity pay, id definitely wait.

Sorry not had chance to read full thread but just wanted to share my experience.
I didn't wait the full 6 months so got basic smp first time around (I missed the enhanced by a week!!). Baby number 2 I got the enhanced package and it made a massive difference (with holidays I managed 14 months off with no financial difficulty).

Also as I had just qualified into a professional role, when I returned after 1st baby I felt really behind my peers who had completed extra training and felt like I was starting back at square one. In retrospect, I should have waited. I was also quite young (21) and babyhood came as a massive shock to the system.
Do what you want but think about all implications including financial and professional x

So you haven't even started the job and are planning to ttc. What if you fall pregnant the first month?

I think it's quite a risk that they will keep you on. Would be quite easy to get rid and replace you permenantly.

Also he may make a good dad. However if this problem isn't solved you may end up with a child that finds it eaiser to lie, for a quiet life, who finds his parents stifling and grows up in an opressive atmosphere.

Honestly if your just starting a job I would give it at least 6 months esp if your a teacher. I can't imagine the school being very impressed if your pregnant when you start or fall within a month of starting.

bertie is spot on. When I firaat married dh, his behaviour was sweet. My dh wasn't abusive but he parented his own parents. He was doing their weekly shop and all the cooking from 14. He did everything for them and organised them (even did their tax forms). That's what he thought you did if you cared about someone. You do everything for them, organise them and worry.

When we had dd it was not cute, it was awful. Splitting was awful but in the long worth it for us. Not suggesting you split, I am saying its best to sort first.

I'm not sure how to sort it, DH can sort of take over a bit.

I think I will end up waiting at least six months. It's just we've recently married and bought a house and I have a secure job so it's natural to start thinking about having a family. It is something we both want.

Are you on Folic Acid? I think it is advisable to be taking it for at least 3 months before you ttc. Plus get a rubella immunity test.

By the time you have sorted these things it will be November anyway. So have a good Christmas, enjoy the parties and then decide once your maternity package kicks in in Feb if ttcing is right for you.

FWIW I got married very young. Like you it felt like ttcing was the next "logical step". We didn't because I was taking post grad qualifications and everyone warned me that the combination of them and a baby would be close to impossible. I qualified at 25. And then waited until I was 29 before we ttced. Once I'd got used to being "a wife" I discovered that I really liked the time just me and Dh and didn't want to give it up. We both moved up a lot with our careers, paid off a huge chunk of our mortgage and went on some really lovely holidays.

We now have two kids and I get to work part time and he gets to work flexibly as we have all those years behind us at work.

Having kids has tested us and our relationship far beyond our limits. (We have had two very poor sleepers and have been close to hallucinatory levels of sleep deprivation for over 5 years now.) If we hadn't had 10 years of pre kids married life to remind us that we do rather like each other I can't see how we would have made it.

You need to talk to him and not let him take the conversation over.

If I were you I would tell him I contemplated lying to him, because his behavipur made me feel that was the easiest thing to do. To show him how is behaviour makes you feel.

It's entirely up to you what you do and I can only give my opinion, but I wouldn't give up financial independence to someone that can be described as controlling.

Do what will make you happy.

Mid 20s is a great age to have a baby

You need the consider your employer you haven't even started yet and your considering going on maternity. Sorry but that is outrageous, the first year of teaching is nothing short of awful with good health and sleep, if you are going to work up until the end(ish) of pregnancy I suggest you get your first year done.