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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to try for a baby now

114 replies

talentedmrsripley · 12/08/2015 11:26

Even though I wouldn't qualify for the full maternity package at work?

We are keen to start as soon as possible but my friends think I'm mad!

What do you think?

OP posts:

Headofthehive55 · 12/08/2015 18:55

spartans you are so right about being overlooked when you are part time, but it does matter I think what's happening around you. What's the norm for your area of work etc.

ilovesooty · 12/08/2015 18:58

He doesn't like you going out in the evenings.
He doesn't like it if you fail to conform to the standards of behaviour he expects.
Your friend thinks he's controlling.
He doesn't like your friend and thinks she's a troublemaker and a bad influence.
Yesterday you considered going out with your friend and lying to your husband about who you were with.
Your husband doesn't like you spending money.

Quite a lot going on there, I reckon.

NerrSnerr · 12/08/2015 19:00

Op- I think you should read the other thread again in full (especially the bit where you said he can be controlling) before you decide to have kids with him.

He seems to have a big impact on how late you stay out, whether you get a taxi home, who you see etc. would that get worse with a baby? You say he doesn't like spending money- what about money for the baby?

Headofthehive55 · 12/08/2015 19:02

As I have just read you are a teacher getting established means if you quit then, later you will be trying to get a job with out of date experience and higher up the salary scale. That's possibly the worst of all worlds.

ilovesooty · 12/08/2015 19:04

She wouldn't be higher up the salary scale. Pay portability has gone. She wouldn't have up to date training and experience though.

And I find myself wondering whether her husband would be supportive of a return to work.

Theycallmemellowjello · 12/08/2015 19:06

Paxtecum - the op wasn't suggesting waiting until she was 40, just waiting a few months til she has full entitlement to smp.

Orangeisthenewbanana · 12/08/2015 19:10

Haven't read your other thread so can't comment on that.

I also have a professional job that requires a specific degree. None of our entry grade staff have been able to get part time hours on returning from maternity leave, because the service simply cannot facilitate it at that level. OTOH, the second, third and above tier roles offer much more flexibility to work part time (within reason). You know best whether a request for flexible working would be feasible in your field and at your level, but I would say on the whole the more experienced you are, the more invaluable you will be to your employer.

If it's a question of a few months, I don't see why you wouldn't just make life a bit easier for yourself down the line, both financially and in giving yourself the best chance to get the hours you want if you choose to go back part time. Time is definitely on your side at the moment, unless there are potentially problems with ttc that you haven't mentioned .

Original poster

talentedmrsripley · 12/08/2015 19:27

It's only the one friend. He'd be fine with me going back to work, why wouldn't he be?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 12/08/2015 19:32

And while you're on maternity leave? Will he expect you to account for your expenditure?

You've made it clear any reservations about him are unwelcome, but it appears that I was by no means alone in my thinking.

Original poster

talentedmrsripley · 12/08/2015 19:55

It's not they are unwelcome but I just can't not have kids with him because he doesn't like my friend, you know?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2015 20:00

But OP, you were the one suggesting you lie to your husband for an easier life. Can you see why people would be worried about you having a child with him when you're so young and don't have full maternity rights?

NerrSnerr · 12/08/2015 20:10

Op read ilovesooty's post from 18.58. It is so much more then not liking a friend.

ThisIsClemFandango · 12/08/2015 20:12

I haven't read your other thread and don't know what your husband is like, but if you are going to TTC, I would wait until next year.
You'll qualify for the maternity pay which may help you more than you realise now, and you have more time to prepare.
I don't think you'll regret waiting a few months but I do think you could regret rushing it, IYSWIM.
If I were you I would have a brilliant fun boozy Christmas and new year and then think about TTC in the new year. You have plenty of time OP. Enjoy a bit of freedom now because once you have a baby you'll miss it, maybe just little bit, but it really changes your life.

Original poster

talentedmrsripley · 12/08/2015 20:15

I understand but I don't feel young, as I'm the oldest I've been! If you follow me. I am married and love him and he doesn't like all my friends but I don't like all his either.

OP posts:

NoArmaniNoPunani · 12/08/2015 20:15

I'm pregnant at 33 and only qualify for SMP. As a result I'm not taking long off. As you're only talking about needing to wait 6months, you might as well wait.

Spartans · 12/08/2015 20:16

No one is suggesting you never have kids because he doesn't like your friend.

What I (and I think others) am saying is that right now, ttc may not be the best thing. You described him as controlling. If you get pregnant without sorting these issues out, without MAT pay and possibly not going back to work you are putting yourself and your potential child in a vulnerable position.

The situation needs resolving first.

Its not fair on the child.

Headofthehive55 · 12/08/2015 20:28

Sometimes you may as well have a baby. It's what is in your head and heart. A career can come later when you are interested in having one. Otherwise I think you spend time half heartedly working just biding your time to wait for the time to have a baby that seems socially acceptable.

That being said only you know your partner and if there are issues to be resolved.

Original poster

talentedmrsripley · 12/08/2015 20:30

It's hard to say, we've been together ages now so I am used to him but some posts have made me think so thanks for that. It's quite hard, as on the one hand I want to have a baby and be a mum but also I guess he can be quite controlling and should try to work on this but he is only trying to be helpful.

OP posts:

Spartans · 12/08/2015 20:37

Tbh dh used to be try and be 'helpful'. It didn't come from a bad place but I found it stifling. He hatede travelling for work because he was convinced I wouldn't be safe.....it sucked.

After a few years, I hated and left with dd. for the first 6 years I saw it as caring. But as I got older I felt like I was a child.

Happily we resolved the issues and got back together. However I wish I had tackled it earlier. Whatever his intentions are, if you are thinking of lying to him for an easy life.....it needs sorting before kids. I speak from experience.

Spartans · 12/08/2015 20:38

The travelling for work is just one example, it wasn't just that.

Ericaequites · 12/08/2015 20:47

Having a baby has never improved a relationship. If your partner is a dick, he will be worse after the baby is born. Even if you divorce him, you'll still have to deal with him until your child is eighteen.

Original poster

talentedmrsripley · 12/08/2015 20:48

I get what you're saying, I think DH can be a bit like that. I was genuinely shocked at some asking if he hit me on the other thread and I know he would not but he can be a bit stifling.

But I think he would be a good dad.

OP posts:

hhhhhhh · 12/08/2015 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSkyAtNight · 12/08/2015 21:03

Are you primary or secondary? I think primary can be difficult to get back into, depending on the area, but secondary is likely to be fine ime.

Just wondered, though, might you feel more stifled if not going out to work/financially independent? If not, I'd say go for it. Ttc can take time & noone knows until they try.

Original poster

talentedmrsripley · 12/08/2015 21:16

Am primary. I'm only starting the job next month that's why I have to wait if I am going to qualify for the full maternity package.

OP posts:

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