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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to try for a baby now

114 replies

talentedmrsripley · 12/08/2015 11:26

Even though I wouldn't qualify for the full maternity package at work?

We are keen to start as soon as possible but my friends think I'm mad!

What do you think?

OP posts:
CurlyBlueberry · 12/08/2015 13:22

Don't know any of the back story re: your husband but the rest of your story could have been me a few years ago. I was 23 and desperate for a baby but did the sensible thing and waited the few months. Work out exactly when the mat policy comes in... mine was worded in a funny way so I had to have been working there a year by the time I was 25 weeks pregnant, a lot of places do similar. As it happened I qualified for the mat pay by a matter of weeks, and it would have been a real kick in the teeth to miss out.

So while I sympathise, it really would be better to wait. I'm not going to say "ahhh you're young you have plenty of time" because obviously, you don't feel like you have plenty of time while your arms and heart are longing for a baby RIGHT NOW.

And I'm confused by the comment "Mumsnet users tend to have done education first and babies afterwards - never seen a woman in her twenties encouraged to have children here."... I had a Masters degree and was married with a mortgage before I got pregnant - which was at 23. Most people finish their education well before their late twenties!!

BasinHaircut · 12/08/2015 13:23

Unless you have health issues that mean it is now or never then I'd wait for the full package.

I haven't see your other thread but if your relationship has problems, then resolve that first. I don't think it is fair to intentionally bring a child into a dysfunctional relationship, especially if it's an attempt to make it better, because it won't.

NanaNina · 12/08/2015 13:26

I can see why your friends think you are "mad" OP - they know your situation better than any of us - babies can put a very big strain on a marriage/relationship. And as yours isn't very emotionally healthy that could be the likely outcome.

talentedmrsripley · 12/08/2015 13:37

I honestly don't feel we've got problems or that I'm downplaying things.

We were always going to try for a baby soon after getting married. I realise lots of people wait until they are in their 30s but we have all sorts of reasons why we want to start now.

We both went to university, we both have degrees, we both work in established professions. I could understand the comments about my age if I was unemployed or still studying or working but low paid but whilst we aren't millionaires we are definitely comfortable.

Ideally I think I would want to be a stay at home parent or work part time until we completed our family which is why it seems best to do it now and then focus on establishing a career later rather than juggling everything at once. I think a lot of women can end up combining elderly parents, preschool children and career demands at once which isn't great for anybody. I know lots of people have no choice and didnt meet their partner until later but if you do have a choice I don't see why having a baby at 25 is a bad thing.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 12/08/2015 13:45

I don't think having a baby at 25 is a bad thing. I could have had a baby at that age but we chose to have longer in our professions, have the big family home bought and have our 20s to easily go to gigs, comedy clubs, travel etc. That was our path and it may not be for you.

It does worry me that you say your thread yesterday is not a problem. It is really not normal to consider lying to your husband because he doesn't like a friend and he doesn't like her because you got drunk and stayed out until 11pm twice!! It is concerning that you think that is normal because it really isn't.

DJThreeDog · 12/08/2015 13:49

Having a baby at 25 is not a problem.

Personally I think you would be daft to try now when it's a matter of a few months to qualify for maternity pay.

It's not a problem that your husband doesn't like your friends but if he is a dick with money and your free time now, it will only get worse when you have a baby.

Balanced12 · 12/08/2015 13:51

The 11pm yesterday and seeing it again makes me giggle, your 24/25 11pm isn't late 3am instead of 11pm is late.

How long do you need to wait for your maternity package ? If you want a pt job your reference does nit want to be she started then went on maternity 2 minutes later.

BTW you must ensure you can cope if dh says nah I've changed my mind I'm off now never put yourself or potential dc into a precarious position. Jilted while pregnant here so potentially bitter ha ha

Owllady · 12/08/2015 13:55

I just had mine when I wanted to Blush at 22 and 23 and then another surprised me at 29
It's not the end of the world having them when you are young. I'm 37 and have been with my husband for 20 yrs. It's unusual I suppose, but some of us do exist
We both have professional qualifications but bother consider ourselves to be wc but we are both socialists (I blame you for this post saucyjack )

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 12/08/2015 14:06

It's not your age it's the lack of forward planning which seems a bit immature plus your possibly controlling partner

Spartans · 12/08/2015 14:16

Your age isn't an issue for me. I had my first at 21.

Thats not the problem. The problem is that if you quit to be a sahm or go part time, without some good experience behind you....you will get overlooked.

If you quit to be a sahm and then want another child in a few years, you could be out of the work place for 6-10 years. Staying part time will give you some experience but many people in part time roles do not get teh same opportunities as full time staff.

Its not fair, but (at the moment) thats how it works. Some promotions need someone full time. Some employers see people who work part time as not really committed and just there for a bit of extra cash.

How long have you been in your job?

Tbh, if you are considering lying to your dh either you are a sneaky and you know your friend is a nightmare, or your dh is trying to have some level of control over you.

You wanted to lie because it made life easier. That is something to think about.

DH doesn't like my best friend. She lives a couple of hours away and stays in our house when she is here. He doesn't like her, they just clash. They both however respect and care about me enough to be civil to each other. I wouldn't dream of lying to dh about her.

BertieBotts · 12/08/2015 14:23

I don't think having a baby before 25 is a bad idea, but it is a bad idea to have them with the wrong person. I'm not going to categorically say that your DP is the wrong person, because I don't know him or you. I can see that you fel think your relationship is problematic, and it probably isn't right now, because both of you are relatively independent, you have your own friends, your own money, you are not reliant in any way upon each other, and it's fairly normal to see your partner as one of the most important priorities in your life. So what MNers have described as "controlling" you are probably thinking isn't that bad at all.

However. Having children does change things, and your other thread did throw up some red flags. (Which doesn't mean "run away now", it means "be aware of this and have your eyes open.") Your lifestyle (especially as you want to be a SAHM) will change dramatically whereas his will hardly alter at all. You will become out of step with your peers, particularly when being the first in the friendship group to have children, which can be really difficult and isolating, and quite unexpected in how much it actually affects friendships, too. Everybody thinks that it won't, but the reality is it does change things. If your DH is already difficult about which friends he likes you seeing, this is likely to make that even more difficult. How is he with your family, BTW? And new people too - if you're the first in your peer group to have DC then it's likely you'll be meeting new families through DC and it's helpful if your DP is willing to participate and meet new people with you and difficult if they tend towards being a bit of a grump about such things.

You also mentioned that he is cautious about money - which can be a huge source of conflict if you're at home on a much reduced salary or totally reliant on him. It might seem fair currently to split bills according to how much you each earn but it won't be as fair if there is a much larger difference. Another trap that some couples fall into is paying different amounts on bills but still ending up with vastly different amounts of spare money. In addition to this, often the child-related costs end up being paid by the mother, out of this smaller pot of spare cash. That's unfair and will lead to resentment if it ends up working out that way. But likewise, you can have it much more even and fair, and a man who likes to control what you spend will feel hard done by because he feels as though he is more deserving of the money than you are. I'm not saying your partner will be like this, I'm just pointing it out as something to be aware of and perhaps talk about before you get pregnant.

Other related stuff, which has no bearing to any post you have ever made but worth bearing in mind when considering if your partner is the right one to have children with. (Rhetorical questions to think about, not expecting answers on thread! :))

  • How much housework do each of you do? Are you both equally happy to step in and pick up the slack if the other is less able for some reason (sickness, extra work demands, etc)?
  • How does he treat you when you are ill? With compassion or is it more expect no fuss? (Relevant because pregnancy can make you quite ill, having a small baby can render you incapacitated, some women suffer PND, and just the general fact of being more reliant on him than you currently are.)
  • Could you and would you trust him to make a major decision which affected both of you without you if for some reason you were not able to be there? And in reverse? Would he trust you? (If the answer to either of these is no, then you may also want to look very carefully at whether you want to get married.)
  • Have you discussed child rearing and do you have similar or compatible views on subjects like discipline, diet, expectations of what family life will be like day to day, education?

Good luck - it's a life changing thing whichever way you go and whatever time you choose to do it, really! :)

BertieBotts · 12/08/2015 14:24

Oh Spartans makes a good point re being overlooked, too. When your experience is out of date it can make things difficult.

Chunkymonkey79 · 12/08/2015 14:33

The people saying you are too young are utterly ridiculous.????

I, like many others, was 23 when I had my first, I was already home owner, with a career. We knew we were ready to be parents so we went ahead and tried for baby. We have never been happier since becoming parents.

Age has fuck all to do with it, as long as you are in a stable relationship, can manage financially to support a child, and have a secure home, you are good to go if that is what both parties want.

Regarding the maternity package, I suppose it entirely depends on whether or not you can afford to support a child on any maternity benefits you do qualify for.

Owllady · 12/08/2015 15:13

I think most people are immature before they have children, no matter how long you leave it and I know many people my age who still haven't had children and compared to me, they are nearer in im/maturity to my teenage children rather than me
I haven't read any other threads by the op, so I'm just putting the age pov a cross

talentedmrsripley · 12/08/2015 15:35

He does equal amounts of housework, if anything he probably does a bit more as I can be messy. He is very caring when I'm ill.

You make points about getting established in a career but then to me there's two ways of doing it: have babies then get established or get established then have babies.

I'm a teacher and maybe I should work for a few years and get established but then I'd be back to the beginning again! So if I start my family now (and we will definitely be trying within twelve months) then when the children are primary aged I can think about promotions and so on - if I want them. My Mum was a primary school teacher and she remained a teacher throughout her working life because she didn't want promotions or power, just to work with children. I don't know what I want yet.

Most of our friends have children - we are currently the 'odd ones out' (not that that is a reason to have them!)

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/08/2015 16:45

Is this the man who doesn't like you going out with your friend and doesn't like you getting taxis because they're expensive?

hhhhhhh · 12/08/2015 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

talentedmrsripley · 12/08/2015 16:54

To definitely qualify we would probably be able to start trying in February/March 2016.

OP posts:
Pixa · 12/08/2015 17:11

Firstly, I haven't read any of the other posts.

I don't think there is ever a right time to have a baby; but there are times that are worse than others.

I am 25 now, financially secure, married in a professional career but I am on a fixed term contract. However, DH and I are certain that even if my contract were to end, we would be financially secure enough, and mentally supportive enough, to have a baby.

We did consider trying to conceive when I was 23, but we wanted to be settled financially and married first. We started trying after our wedding and have since found out we are infertile; I never think we should have started trying earlier because we made the right choices, for the right reasons at the right times.

I think you need to be absolutely certain in your decision and your choice. You and your DH are the only two people who can truly know whether it would be unreasonable.

Spartans · 12/08/2015 17:45

make points about getting established in a career but then to me there's two ways of doing it: have babies then get established or get established then have babies.

Establishing a career when you have little experience and did your training 6 years previously is much harder. What if you fell pregnant in the first month, by the time you have gone on Mat leave, how long will you have worked?

My dad was the lowest level of his job for 35 years as he had no inclination to be promoted. There is nothing wrong with that. Except you don't know that's what you want yet.

Tbh, I think you have made your mind up anyway, which is fine, it's your life. Not sure why you are asking for input, though.

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 12/08/2015 18:12

So it's only six months, that's nothing really is it? I get the need I really do. But it seems silly not to wait when it could make a big difference in the long term.

ilovesooty · 12/08/2015 18:31

You appear from your other thread to be married to someone who's controlling and potentially abusive. I think it would be possibly irresponsible to have a child at all with someone like that.

talentedmrsripley · 12/08/2015 18:39

How do you deduce this from one thread and one disliked friend?

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 12/08/2015 18:48

We wish we'd had the kids earlier. I see now those that did in my profession are in a better place now. Depends on your profession I suppose. My earlier work history matters little now, it's only recent stuff that counts.

You have no idea how easy or not you can get pregnant or what's round the corner. I ended up moving with DH job prior to a couple of mine unexpected, so lost out on the mat leave. In fact I have four and haven't had the mat leave package for any if them I don't think.
There was a thread a few days ago, about what you would change having kids. Most I think said earlier rather than later.
Keep a foot in the door with part time though, it's so must easier to trade up!

paxtecum · 12/08/2015 18:54

Go for it.

It is so much easier to have babies when you are young for so many reasons.

I can't imagine being 60+ and still have teenagers at home.

I think the modern trend of trying to conceive when you are 40+ is not quite right.

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