To be offended by colleagues comment re. my figure?

[PeasinPod1]

So last week a group of us went out from work, a woman (around 8 years younger then me who i barely know) is talking about a new fitness craze and discussing it, to me says "its for people like us, with figures like us" I tired to ignore it..push aside as not sure what she meant (we are roughly same size but she has no tone or definition) then she repeated "yes its for people like US...not er...overweight...but you know, not toned either".

Now but of context...I had my DD 1 1/2 yr ago. I put on much too much weight but with so much hard work/diet and regular gym routine I am a bit lighter then before baby and am actually pretty toned!

Recently a lot of friends have given me amazing comments about how well/fit/toned i am looking...so was gutted to hear 1 comment just rocks me back down to earth with a huge bump. I'm sensitive about my looks and a moment like this builds up in my mind and makes me think thats how everyone actually sees me....just average...bleeeuuugh..nothing big or small just nothing special. All my gym work just seems wasted.

I'm fuming at her lopping me in the same bracket as her and daring to pass judgement about someone's figure like this.

[youareallbonkers]

You say you are the same size. If you are overweight you are unlikely to look toned as the fat lies on top of the muscle. Cue a load of posters saying they are sz 18 and look toned. Sorry to break it to you but you dont...no, you dont...nope.

[Rainbunny]

Sorry OP but people say the wrong thing in life unintentionally and as others have stated people have different perceptions of themselves and others. It's actually not uncommon to think we are slimmer than we are.

I'm pretty slim (size 6-8) but I'm also in my late thirties and I'm very aware that I'll never be as perky in my boobs/bum area as I was in my twenties. I workout everyday and eat a good diet. My coworker who is the same height as me (5'4") but a solid 30 pounds heavier (I estimate) wanted to borrow my ski-clothes this past winter, I was surprised but she figured we were more or less the same size. She returned my items the next day absolutely shocked that she couldn't get my ski pants over her thighs! She still thinks we are the same size since she asked to borrow a newish dress of mine last week!

[BubGal13]

youareallbonkers as stated I'm a size 8/10 with a BMI at the low end of the healthy scale so nope, not overweight and I am reasonably toned (though could be far more so!).

Rainbunny thanks, completely, learning that perceptions can be so different from person to person from realistic self observation to how you receive othe.r

RedRowanBerries bodenbiscuit thanks you are helping me just forget about it, your comments really cheered me up.

[AvaCrowder]

What's the fitness craze?

[Gottagetmoving]

I think it is sad that so many of you are obsessed with your body and shape and size.
Instead of getting offended and blaming other people for comments they make,..do something about it, and I don't mean about your size or shape,..do something about your self esteem and about why you are body and looks obsessed, because if it wasn't your body, it would be something else.
There are lots of books out there that help people with issues,...do something!

[TalkinPeace]

I think its sad that so many overweight people are in denial about the long term damage they are doing to their health.

And that so many people are in denial that they are overweight

and that so many people think that lean is unhealthy when it is not

[toffeeboffin]

I know the feeling.

On vacation at the moment, we're all in bikinis and one of the girls said 'None of us are big, really'.

Yeah, fuck off. I know I'm not big! You have don't even need to mention it.

I work fucking hard to stay in good shape, just don't group us all the same bloody boat.

[ZanyMobster]

Gottagetmoving it is not always about being obsessed with body, shape and size. Having an eating disorders was actually nothing to do with those things at all.

[TheresACatInMeKitchen]

I can see both sides of this. Its not nice to mention someone else's weight size or shape regardless of whatever that may be.
It may have just been a passing comment without intent but also may have been a backhanded comment but its not always easy to tell.

Mermaid I also had an ex friend who had convinced herself she was a lot smaller than she was and would constantly go on how skinny she was and how people told her how amazing she looked......truth was she wasn't. She also used to ask to borrow my clothes and couldn't get them passed her knees/over her head!!!!!

At her heaviest she was a size 16-18, she thought she was 10-12, when she got down to a 12 she convinced herself she was a very small 8 bordering a 6. She tried to pass on her bigger clothes that no longer fit her, on to me (clothes were 14+) I am a size 4-6!!!!

Now if I had low self esteem I could have taken this personally but I know she was seriously deluded and she did in fact have esteem issues so I just let her get on with it. Same if someone told me I needed to put on weight I wouldn't take offence because I am happy with the way I am and let people think what they like.

I think OP you do need to work on your own esteem issues though and take comments (good or bad) with a pinch of salt.

What is wrong with looking "average"?
Most people are "nothing special" and most people don't look "amazing"

You need to learn to be happy with yourself then other peoples opinion/size wont matter to you.

[Gottagetmoving]

Gottagetmoving it is not always about being obsessed with body, shape and size. Having an eating disorders was actually nothing to do with those things at all

I was not referring to people with genuine eating disorders. Women seem to be obsessed with their body size and shape. They don't all have eating disorders. It's the main topic of conversation for lots of women and they are bombarded with carp about how they should look by the media and magazines. They are also over sensitive to even the slightest remark.

[GrumpyOldBiddy2]

There'sacat

My DSD does this. I love her to bits, but she has a real blind spot when it comes to her size. Like your friend, when she was a size 16ish she wore size 10 clothes. I took her to a personal shopper who helped a bit by encouraging her to try a different style of clothes.

[BolshierAyraStark]

Struggling to imagine how she could see how 'toned' you are if you were dressed to go out & not in say your gym gear or undies?
You said you're roughly the same size so easy mistake for her to make. Try to be a little less body conscious, healthy is good-obsessed is not.

[AmIFatMyBMIis25point8]

How does somebody size 16 get in to size ten clothes?!

i'm size 12 and could get in to size 10 clothes with difficulty but no smaller!

I think it's quite common for people to be in denial about their size. As my screen name suggests, I'm not slim but I'm not massive. A woman who weighs a good stone more than I do (we are the same height) has tried to give me clothes she's dieted out of!! I tried on pair on as they were not your dauughters jeans! I am plucking up courage to give them back. She'll be REALLY shocked if I say they're too big!

[Ahemily]

I think it's really sad that what other people think of your physical appearance has caused this much upset. Who have you been losing the weight for? You or them?

[Lurkedforever1]

amI by wearing ones with stretch in, or at least it's something I see round here. There's one teen girl I regularly see who's lovely and slim, but wears 2 sizes too small, and as a result her thin healthy layer of fat and skin creates overhang so she looks like she needs to tone up even though she doesn't. Whenever I see her I wish she could be set straight. Let alone the unflattering look when it's someone who isn't starting from slim.

[GrumpyOldBiddy2]

AmI - lots of stretching, cracked seams, burst buttons and spilling out!

[Runningupthathill82]

AmI - a close family member of mine does this. She wears a size 18 but must be at least a 24 in high street clothes (i know her wedding dress was a 26).

She does it by wearing stretchy Lycra dresses and leggings, which then pull so much they go see-through. And the dresses end up far too short. Not a good look.

[LegoComplex]

Yanbu, in the sense that it must have been very demoralising after your hard work. I'm in the same boat, working my ass off after giving birth! like PP have said though try not to compare yourself to others or see people in terms of their weight, i don't think she meant it maliciously it was probably just careless wording.

[hookedonamoonagedaydream]

You're not really going to give them back are you AmIFatMyBMIis25point8?

I think I have had a severe case of thinking that I am slimmer than I am, vanity sizing means that I have no idea what size I am at all. That coupled with the fact that I have lost a lot of weight so people do comment means that I probably think I am slimmer than I am.

[Reubs15]

You sound just as bad if not worse than her! If it really bothers you just politely mention it to her! You sound really derogatory about her and if I'm honest, not very nice!

[SomethingBad]

YABU and very oversensitive. She probably just meant "not uber-fit body-building types", which sounds like an accurate description of you. She's a work colleague anyway, how does she know whether you're toned? Surely she hasn't seen any more of your body unclothed than arms and lower legs? You can't tell much with clothes on!

[maddening]

It's you not her - as in your (for whatever reason) insecurities - recognise and work on that and perhaps future meaningless comments won't spend so much time in your head.

[nooka]

The OP has described this woman as being roughly the same size as her, pretty and slim. Why she is then quite so offended as being thought to be similar is a bit odd, and I think speaks more to her own insecurities about the way she looks than anything else.

Get into shape for your own well being OP, stop judging yourself by how other people see you (or say they see you). If you are happy in yourself then this sort of slightly insensitive (maybe) comment won't make you fume. I'm sure she didn't think that your body needs 'huge improvement' it was probably just a bit of throwaway small talk, nothing that should make you quite so unhappy.