Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by colleagues comment re. my figure?

125 replies

PeasinPod1 · 12/08/2015 09:11

So last week a group of us went out from work, a woman (around 8 years younger then me who i barely know) is talking about a new fitness craze and discussing it, to me says "its for people like us, with figures like us" I tired to ignore it..push aside as not sure what she meant (we are roughly same size but she has no tone or definition) then she repeated "yes its for people like US...not er...overweight...but you know, not toned either".

Now but of context...I had my DD 1 1/2 yr ago. I put on much too much weight but with so much hard work/diet and regular gym routine I am a bit lighter then before baby and am actually pretty toned!

Recently a lot of friends have given me amazing comments about how well/fit/toned i am looking...so was gutted to hear 1 comment just rocks me back down to earth with a huge bump. I'm sensitive about my looks and a moment like this builds up in my mind and makes me think thats how everyone actually sees me....just average...bleeeuuugh..nothing big or small just nothing special. All my gym work just seems wasted.

I'm fuming at her lopping me in the same bracket as her and daring to pass judgement about someone's figure like this. Sad

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 12/08/2015 12:23

Of course it was a put down!

She referred to the OP as 'Un-toned'.

So, she has also put herself down given she was referring to both herself and the OP witth what description.

SoupDragon · 12/08/2015 12:24

Put down: It's great for people like you, you know, un-toned...
Not a put down: It's great for people like us, you know, in-toned...

bodenbiscuit · 12/08/2015 12:28

I do think you are being hypocritical. Basically you think you're better looking than her and you're offended that she would suggest you have the same body types. I'm glad I don't work with bitchy people that's all I can say. It sounds a nightmare.

bodenbiscuit · 12/08/2015 12:29

Thing is, 'toned' is subjective. To some people it means ripped beyond belief.

Theycallmemellowjello · 12/08/2015 12:30

YANBU that the lady was rude to make a personal remark. But agree that you're overreacting and being a bit of a judge judy here!

It's great to go to the gym and be happy with how you look. But aside from a few models and pop stars, surely everyone is just average and nothing special? I don't really go around town looking at people and going in my head 'average... average.... average... OH MY GOD THIS ONE IS TONED'. That's just not how people think. No one gives a shit about other people's figures, and thank god.

Also if two people are the same size and wearing clothes you can't tell which one is toned.

Jackie0 · 12/08/2015 12:31

People like you / people like us ….......doesn't matter, still a put down.
It isn't okay to say
People that aren't bright ,like us......
People who suffer from bo , like us
People who are xenophobic, like us

Jackie0 · 12/08/2015 12:34

You've done yourself no favours op discussing your and you're colleague's appearance.
It's besides the point.
Personal remarks being rude is the point, or it would be for me in the scenario you describe.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 12/08/2015 12:34

I think YANBU, first off because someone should NEVER comment on another's weight/appearance, even if its a supposedly psuedo 'neutral' comment (!?) however, I can see that the reason you're upset is because of the fact that you are right in the throes of rectifying what you recognise in yourself as not being where you want to be in terms of weight/appearance. A comment like that just completely devalues how far you have come and the progress already made, I totally get your reaction, I'd feel the same.

AuntyMag10 · 12/08/2015 12:38

So Chanandler the ops friends were just as rude for commenting on her looks then?

Gruntfuttock · 12/08/2015 12:38

OP is offended because her colleague talked to her as if she's not special.
I'm sorry, but I do think that's very funny.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 12/08/2015 12:40

I'm a size 16, the biggest I've ever been, I don't feel good about myself and consider myself overweight, however, I would never 'align' myself with someone I thought a similar size to say something negative about our collective weight/appearance, for all I know they could have slimmed down from a larger size and be feeling absolutely amazing about their body and achievements, who am I to piss on their parade!! I see this as a similar thing.

Gottagetmoving · 12/08/2015 12:40

un-toned' isn't a nice thing to call someone though is it

DryShampooIsMyHero It is neither nice nor nasty - It is just stating a fact.
Most of us are un-toned once we become adults. Why is it an insult?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/08/2015 12:44

If someone cant say summat nice..

Jackie0 · 12/08/2015 12:44

It's an insult, not least because it was discussed in the context of a remedy .

TalkinPeace · 12/08/2015 12:46

Having just come back from holiday in south eastern Europe, the UK is fat.

And the fact that people do not allow comment on their size has allowed them all to delude themselves that they are not.
Sorry folks but the British are flabby and have fat tummies and necks and arms and thighs.

I'm glad I have a social circle where comments on weight and size are treated as constructive and supportive.

And I will regularly compare myself with countries without an obesity problem rather than here.

Jackie0 · 12/08/2015 12:48

The comments on how good the op looked are personal remarks too, and would be offensive coming from someone she hardly knows.
Boundaries.

Bettercallsaul1 · 12/08/2015 12:59

I'm with you, OP and agree with JackieO's comment above: It doesn't matter if you're fat or thin or toned or untoned it is simply rude to comment on someone's body like this. Most of us are sensitive about our looks and, in my view, no-one should make a negative remark about someone else's appearance, especially in front of others.

I also think it is very unfair to compare what the OP says anonymously, on the internet - in response to what was said to her - with what someone has said in real life, in public. Everybody has private thoughts about other people, including making comparisons between ourselves and others, and there is a big difference between the other woman openly making a remark to the OP in front of her colleagues and the OP venting here, completely unknown to the other person.

scatterthenuns · 12/08/2015 13:10

OP is upset that her colleague thinks she's nothing special, when she thinks just that of the colleague!

It is amusing.

LiverMummy25 · 12/08/2015 13:16

Nomater what I thought about someone's body I would never say it to them unless they asked my opinion and even then i'd be hesitant as what to say. It certainly sounds to me as though the friend has insecurities and wanted OP to feel those same insecurities.

Just the statement 'People like us' sounds very judgemental and as though the friend puts people into brackets. It's like an average looking women saying to a good looking women oh people like us who are plain Jane's. Well maybe one is a plain Jane and should keep her opinions to herself.

Giving someone a compliment like 'oh you look nice and toned' Is not the same as saying ' I think you need to tone up' or suggesting that you go the fitness class together because you both need it.

For me one is to boost self esteem, something that real friends do and the other is just focusing on the negatives.

Gottagetmoving · 12/08/2015 13:22

The comments on how good the op looked are personal remarks too, and would be offensive coming from someone she hardly knows.
Boundaries

If people spent as much time working on their self esteem as they do getting upset and offended by comments from others, there wouldn't be a problem.
You cannot say anything these days without over sensitive, precious people using the offended card.

Saying someone is un-toned is offensive?? Christ! I cannot believe adults are so flamin' soft!

If you are fat you are fat whether anyone says it or not. I keep hearing fat people say they are happy with their size,..yeah, right, until someone else mentions it!

Bettercallsaul1 · 12/08/2015 13:25

scatterthenuns - The difference is that one of them said it out loud and hurt the other person's feelings.

Gottagetmoving · 12/08/2015 13:27

They didn't hurt the other persons feelings at all. The other person allowed her feelings to be hurt because of her own issues.

allthatglittersisnotgold · 12/08/2015 13:28

I get what the OP is saying, I'm very careful not to lump people into an "us" category because it's insensitive.

If it makes you feel better a tramp was sitting on the station steps the other day, generally chatting nonsense to people going past, when he told me I looked fat in my outfit- my partner told him to shut up, to which he replied but I said "love"!

Anyway I'm not "fat" I'm a size 12, could lose 10 pounds and look better, but anyway I've been dwelling on this for a week now! Utterly ridiculous! Reason being, he had no reason to sugar coat the truth he was not a friend or relative, he saw it as he saw it, and that was FAT! puts biscuits down

Original poster
PeasinPod1 · 12/08/2015 13:52

The "erruugh just average" comments was on MY figure and clearly how I am seen to some people not on her figure, in that a woman I barely know and have probably said 5 sentences to in my life, thinks its clearly stating the obvious, and something I myself have acknowledged as if she was just stating the obvious, that I am not overweight but not toned either. As in there is serious room for improvement and my figure is average if that. I am a size 8/10 and pretty toned actually- in a slim/athletic way but not super sculpted. To me thats very far from being overweight! and she has no idea about if i had a history with eating disorders or anything about me to be so confident to state openly how my figure is, if its a fact.

To me that is insanely judgemental and making assumptions, and something wouldn't even say to a close friend, even if i did think it. I always thought she was pretty and sim without giving it much thought, i only say the specifics of how I feel her figure is now, as i've analysed it so much since her comments.

I've put in crazy work in the gym to shift my baby weight and get in really good shape for a holiday coming up soon. For her to comment on my appearance in such a specific way, was very upsetting and yes, had made me very angry. All the lovely compliments I've had on my figure from friends not seen in a while and had no idea I was working out, just vanish in an instant when you hear just 1 comment like this, which makes me think this is how infact I'm seem by everyone.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 12/08/2015 14:04

but I said "love"! Grin

If he was talking nonsense he might not have meant it, allthatglitters! Probably just said because it was a rude thing to say to a woman.

Swipe left for the next trending thread